Jonathan Dunne Quotes

I don't believe he was made in China, but I do believe he is disposable.

Ruthy's got the curves of the Scalextric he had once gotten for Christmas.

Thank you. This kimono was handmade by the Chinese silkworms themselves, I'm led to believe.

The human being is not being human.

See this Swiss army knife, Lawless! It's gotta magnifying glass and a million blades but I only need one, so step right the fuck back!

So how do you know she was a mermaid if you didn't see her bottom half?

Earth is such a sweet 'n sour place, thought Gonzo, puffing on his seaweed roll-up, and he knew that if aliens did exist, then they'd probably only stop to avail of this planet's toilet facilities on the intergalactic highway.

Humanity must be cut to the ground and allowed to flourish once again

She is the clock-guardian. I was thinking about getting a German Shepherd, but they don't blow fire.

I wish this country was run by children

But some jokes are hilarious until they become true and they're not so funny anymore.

If mysterious means a bunch of freaks being brought together by a freak car-accident, then, yes, God does vork in mysterious vays' declared the eldest Russian Doll.

Today is the day that I learn women have an innate connection to Mother Nature; a sixth sense for the bitter-sweet cycle of life, whereas men are challenged with five.

Nicky, the van's on fire!'
'Fuck the van, Willy! We got ourselves a prodigy child!

I am the manacle chained to Man's ankles. Only when he sees the light will he be set free of my shackles, and I, the manacle, be set free of my shackles: Man.

Lately, their love had been reduced to yellow emojis.

Marvin wasn't a beat-box gangsta-rapper-bitch, but a stressed invalid in a town not equipped with ramps.

Your body isn't really yours, Jackie boy. Your body is mine and I'm claiming squatter's rights.

I'm not comparing Gloria to an Indian elephant, but she was just as big in my life

Look,' Jesus points out, 'do you think the guy cleaning the public toilets really wants to be dealing with people's shit on a Monday morning? No, he does it because it's in his contract. I'm dealing with people's shit twenty-four-seven because,' turning to the hobbled crow and speaking sarcastically, 'it's in my contract.

Instead of leaving on a gas-guzzling generator all night, Mama and Papa make a killing by making hard 'n fast love like a couple of blinded down-'n-out mixamatosis rabbits with nothing to live for.

My wife's contractions, labour, and birth was the most intense biology class of my life; it certainly topped Glugger's biology classes where we did nothing but burn litmus paper. My wife's waters just broke! Who cares if it's alkaline or acidic!

My old man always told me never do anything during the day that will keep you awake at night.

I'll buy Chiquita bananas with your smoking-fund money cos this monkey is our future. All hail the monkey!

They had taken see-no-evil and had made it their own by adopting a state sanctioned Orwellian see-no-evil policy

Yes, Cabbage: prison diplomacy. It's called offering the newcomer a very warm welcome. You can tell Mares that I made lots of friends at two in the morning on the first night and continued making friends in the back of the laundry room and if I didn't make friends there they would shove me into an industrial tumble-dryer and spin me around a few times until I was dizzy enough to make lots of friends at the same time.

Mama, rest in pieces, used to call it Dada's hibernation because sometimes people don't wake up from a coma.

Maybe blow-up dolls invaded Ireland during the Dark Ages, landing in the bay here. They raped the men and pillaged the women, adopted the children to imprint their rubbery ways on them, turning them into blow-up orphans. Hence,' she concludes, 'Dollymount Strand.

Time will always have the answer in the end, whether you like that answer is immaterial to Time because it tends not to keep friends.

The only time we stopped having nightmares was while we slept.

Even if we don't have a clock, we're all on the clock – from clocking in and out at work to clocking in and out of this world.

What do you mean? In Old Castle? I still live with my parents in case you haven't noticed, Jack. Those two strangers – that man and woman sitting on my sofa – are actually my parents. Oh, you mean your place? Yes, let's evict your parents…let's place them neatly in a cardboard box and leave it by the rubbish bins!

Unicorns are for those who aren't content with the wonders this world holds...not that I've seen any of it.

I try to dig deep into my memory vault but my memory fault is all I find.

Sarah is a mirage after all; an oasis in this arid, amnesiac, desert mindscape. I fear if I get too close she too will turn to dust.

I'm just one more PhD, looking up at the stars, asking why are we here, while the down-and-outs under the bridge are asking the same question.

Everest, son, remember when I told you that asking questions is a sign of weakness?

And that's the best thing about this crazy journey: I am forgetting that I'm an old man instead of the Alzheimer's reminding me by forgetting

But Dunraven refused to ask God – he may as well be asking Santa to comb the area with Rudolph and his toy sled.

Why can't people just be happy and live?

Payback takes many forms but from the business-end of a Christmas turkey isn't a form I would've bet on...

Why did you call me Jack of Hearts?'
'Because you like to gamble girls' hearts and play them close to your chest.

I met a few chimpanzees on my pilgrimages and I wasn't sure if they were just shrivelled-up villagers or chimps...

Watching copulating dung-beetles is exciting if you drink enough Red Bull, Jack.

Except that, very rarely, when the sun shines on her in the same way the sun's rays light up the inside of Stonehenge once a year, Jack finds Ruthy mesmerising.

Everest is a big, pretentious name for a new-born. But would Dympna have named her only son Everest if she had known that he would be a fat albino boy? The comparisons with the snow-covered mountain peak are startling, to be fair.

Humour is my best defence, so humour me.

Okay, that's it! I've had enough! I'm going to trade in my Biblical Studies PhD for a hot dog!

Gonzo, the enlightened hippy-biker island god, was a hermit in every sense of the word; a hermit crab and this island was his shell.