Jerk Off Quotes

The Romanians really do lead the world when it comes to cursing. "What have you got for me?" I asked a woman from Transylvania who was now living in Vienna.
"Shove your hand up my ass and jerk off my shit," she offered.

I was stunned. "Anyone else would say, 'Shove your hand up my ass,' and then run out of imagination," I told her. "You people, though, you just keep going. And that's what makes you the champions you are." Maybe it's not too late to learn how to drive, I thought, watching as she walked out the door and onto the unsuspecting streets of Vienna, this poet, this queen, this glittering jewel in a city of flint. ~ David Sedaris

That's the thing about slippery slopes. Take that first step, and the next thing you know, you've completed a jerk-off hat trick to your bestie. ~ Lauren Blakely

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now. ~ Doug Stanhope

She hated him, this man, and these men: the ones who picked her up without expression and used her without emotion. The ones who picked her up with no more regard than they had for picking lint off the collars of their well-pressed suits. She preferred the sweaty nervousness of young virgins or the eager speediness of excited old vets with their knobby fingers and waxy breath to these cold, hard men. These were the ones who called her squaw. Who called her half-breed, the ones who would just as soon slap her than bother to put on the condom she always handed them. She often wondered why they didn't just keep the $80 it cost to be with her and drive their comfortable, bucket-seated SUVs home to the suburbs. They could kiss their wives hello and then slip into very hot showers to jerk off for free. Their peckish wives could spend the money they saved spending an afternoon getting the silk wraps and pedicures that would goad them into putting out anyways. To these men she had no name and no face. She was a hole. Consequently, she held no regard for these bastards. She gave them the calculated respect accorded to dangerous dogs. ~ Cherie Dimaline

You jerk off feel great you wanna go working out.Keep jerking off and working out life is good. ~ Elliott Hulse

This wasn't - I wasn't." He was burning red with embarrassment, trying to get his pants up and grab his memory stick and hide the fact he'd been about to jerk off."

"What were you doing? Are you - to my porn?" Josh looked a bit dazed.

"I was submitting my paper. And I - "

"You tripped and fell into my porn folder? ~ Lana McGregor

What a country of lazy shits, with fucking hypocritical politicians claiming that people actually wanted to work if they could. Norwegians voted for the Socialist Party because it made it a human right to shirk their jobs, and who the hell wouldn't vote for a party that gave you three days off without a doctor's note, gave you carte blanche to sit at home and jerk off or go skiing or recover from a hangover? The Socialist Party knew, of course, what a perk this was, but still tried to appear responsible, preened themselves with their "trust in most people" and declared the right to malinger as some kind of social reform. The Progress Party was even more fucking infuriating, buying itself votes with tax cuts and hardly bothering to conceal the fact. ~ Jo Nesbo

Dangerous, free time on your hands. You can only jerk off so often. ~ Larry Kramer

What are the differences between computer and humanity??
If computer get hot, there is a fan for the computer. If a man get hot, which will mean to much information in head, the humanity start to masturbate!
But the question is why computer have one fan and humanity have two hands??
It's simple as that!
Fan can be replaced, but one hand can't be replaced if it's broken, so it's gave one more if you have problem with the one to use the other. Take it as a gift! ~ Deyth Banger

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street? ~ Eugene Mirman

10:16am
Thinking about Tina.
11:04am
Thinking about Tina's perfect ass.
12:37pm
Thinking about Tina panting under me in bed.
1:02pm
Going to the bathroom to jerk off.
I walk back into my office after finally getting some much needed relief.
Not hard anymore, are you?! Take that, penis! ~ Belle Aurora

I'm going to keep these panties, too. Maybe jerk off with them wrapped around my cock, imagining it's your lips. ~ Megan Erickson

Say that again, Tony," Jude warned, his jaw clenched, "and the only thing I'll be throwing at your pinhead again will be my boot."
"What?" Tony said. "Telling the truth about Adriana panting in heat for you?"
"No, shithead," Jude said, notes of anger slipping between his teeth. "Call my girl 'love' again. Shes's mine. I get to call her that. Not some pissant jerk-off with a big mouth. ~ Nicole Williams

If you're courting me, you have to tell me something about yourself that no one else knows."
He was silent for a moment. "I'd rather jerk-off to thoughts of you than be with anyone else. ~ Katie Reus

Hey Diddle Diddle
You can diddle with mystery or jerk off in the unknown,
but when you're screwing with hard facts,
one of you are going to get fucked. ~ Beryl Dov

It just goes to show you - for every woman you jerk off to, there's a tired husband/boyfriend/significant other jerking off to some other bitch. October ~ Asa Akira

Ideology is masturbation, a jerk-off afforded to those few privileged with time on their hands and no wolves at the door. ~ Rick Remender

This changes things. If you think I'm going to walk out of here and you'll conveniently forget about what happened, you should think again. This wasn't a fluke, no matter how much you try to pretend. You wanted it as much as I did, and you should remember that tonight when you jerk off, thinking about my tongue in your mouth. ~ Ella Frank

So, what, you put out date three or four? There about?"
I stopped, staring at him with absolute wonder. "Do I ask you how often you jerk off, Jimmy?"
"Least once a day, lately." He threw the information out there like it didn't even matter. "My libido kind of disappeared there for a while but it's back with a vengeance now. You're probably right on with the dating idea because if I don't get something soon I'm gonna break my fucking wrist. ~ Kylie Scott

AS for jerk-off... I just done it...... as for now it has happen something... Dexter will marry his sister... wtf... wtf... wtf

- Secrets
- Mysteries

- Nonsense.... looking there and there and there and soona and kiss comes,..... wtf it's really fucked up.... oh it was a dream.... god safe me from that sin.

- I am not a sinister! ~ Deyth Banger

Grief is when you feel so helpless and stupid that you think nothing will ever be right again, and your macaroni and cheese tastes like sawdust, and you can't even jerk off because it seems like too much trouble. (172) ~ Sherman Alexie

He stopped, finally, and smiled. Honestly? With this thing I think I could get my jerk-off muscles so well-developed that I could rub out a spooge with one pump! If that's not worth $19.95, I don't know what is. ~ Debra Anastasia

Last night felt good." He chuckled. "Not watching you jerk off, though that was fucking hot, but before that, when you were sleeping between me and Boris. I liked that."
A knot formed in Hans's chest, making it difficult to speak.
"So did Boris," Thomas insisted. "I know he did. Then he started worrying about you getting between me and him. He did what he did because he needed to prove I still belonged to him."
"I already fucking know that!" Hans snapped. He lowered his voice. "I know you have your special things I can't be a part of, like speaking to each other in Russian, and kissing and hugging, and all the things I wish I could do with you…." He stopped himself. He was overstepping again. "I shouldn't have said that. I've only known you guys for like two months. But I like being here. I'm lucky you haven't fired me for what I did last night, considering how much it upset Boris."
He tried to turn pull away, embarrassed, but Thomas wouldn't let go. "Boris and I have things that tie us together - things that do make me his - but despite all that, I think we both want to build something with you too."
Hans huffed out a breath. "I'm not sure how I feel about him now."
"Like I said, there will be bad days. He can't help it, other than to keep taking his meds and going to therapy. He's so much better than he was, when I met him in Russia. You have no idea!"
Hans settled into the embrace, reveling in the feel of Thomas's warm, soft skin. ~ Jamie Fessenden

Writing to you is like some embarrassing remake of Waiting For Godot. Why don't you jerk off on paper in my direction, as I've done. I am so unhappy it's amusing. ~ Maryse Holder

You know, I always suspected you were the kind of guy to jerk off to your own reflection, but this is a step too far. ~ Melanie Marchande

Jack in and jerk off, kid! You too can save the world ... from those evil, bug-eyed commies from space! ~ Hal Duncan

I now watch porn, but I don't have the feeling to go to the bath and start to jerk off. It's the world bad idea ever came. I have quite jerk off and I will quit it's not the way I should live, the same is for you! ~ Deyth Banger

Did you seriously jerk off just now?" I demand.

He nods as if it's no biggie. "What, you think I can sit through a whole movie with blue balls?"

I gawk at him. "So you can't have sex with anyone while I'm in the house, but you can go upstairs and do that?"

A wolfish grin stretches his mouth. "I could've done it down here, but then you would've been too tempted to take over for me. I was trying to be nice."

It's hard not to roll my eyes. So I don't bother fighting the urge. "Trust me, I would have kept my hands to myself."

"With my cock right there in the open? No way. You wouldn't be able to help yourself." He arches a brow. "I have a great cock. ~ Elle Kennedy

THEO: Who do you picture when you think of me?
MORGAN: Papa Smurf.
THEO: Do you have a camera in here somewhere?
MORGAN: Yes, Theo. I watch you jerk off to smurf porn every night. ~ Con Riley

Is he bothering you?"
"Nah just some old pervert waiting for the sex show."
The ghost lips curled "If I was alive I'd teach you some manners First I'd-"
"I'm sure there are losts of thing you'd do to me if you were alive, but seeing as though your're not, I guess you're stuck watching ... " (makes a jerk-off gesture) ~ Kelley Armstrong

If you could jerk off to something else, like a hamburger, could you imagine the delight in being alive? ~ Jonathan Goldstein

Girls have periods and boys jerk off. Everybody. ~ Haruki Murakami

Ooh!" Willy pipes up. "Maybe he'll write a story about Santa and Mrs. Claus getting caught with their pants down with other people. If we get lucky, maybe he'll kill-"

"Don't finish that sentence, elf."

"Randy, you're such a spoilsport. You can't say you haven't conjured up that scenario in your big head a time or a dozen. Continue. Maybe I'll write that story."

"No, you won't. Your idea of a good story is nothing but sex, sex, and more sex. You'd never make it through writing a chapter because you'd have to stop and jerk off a half dozen times."

"Ew! Not about Santa and Mrs. Claus. Yuck," Willy comes back at him with a sour look on his face. "That's not even funny, Randy. ~ Candi Kay

All this "honest work" kills beauty in man too. It forces men into poor diet, poor choices, poor paths outside the workplace. Everything in life for them, whether they chose so or not, must revolve around their "honest work". No time to research, pick, and cook a proper meal so I have chips and soda again. No time to work out, to worship the sun in peace, to study so I watch television and jerk off in-between beers again. No time to even so much as consider another way of life so I hammer nails into useless thing for useless people in useless place again. You are being scammed, robbed. ~ Mike Ma

I really like to watch a porn, but mostly my dream is to fuck a woman. It's interesting to see how her lips touch your dick, I'm sure that the feeling, incrediable. But this isn't anything with she to have orgasm! To watch you right in the face, right in the eyes is interesting and not freaky, but it's more awesome to be such position to be in orgasm + to suck your cock gently. It's interesting, how woman watch the end proccess of jerk off, how they lick the dick like it's hot and they want to make it cold!
Ooh, that's one of my favourite faces how the sperm from the dick goes right on the face. It's really interesting the dick to be more large and big from a woman foot and hands, even from her mouth that's one of my favourite parts in the porn. It's interesting to look the dick like a pussy cat or more awesome the dick to goes slowly in the pussy! When a woman is getting fucked she to laugh that's the interesting part. ~ Deyth Banger

Rachel slid inside her silver Kia and slammed the car door, grateful that the museum's security guard was now watching from a distance. If he hadn't been, she might have acted on a homicidal impulse and run Chase over, the manipulative jerk. In fact, it made her feel better just to imagine it. ~ Kaylin McFarren

What about you?" I ask her. "What do you think I should read next?" She takes my hand and leads me to the children's section. She looks around for a second, then heads over to a display at the front. I see a certain green book sitting there and panic. "No! Not that one!" I say. But she isn't reaching for the green book. She's reaching for Harold and the Purple Crayon. "What could you possibly have against Harold and the Purple Crayon?" she asks. "I'm sorry. I thought you were heading for The Giving Tree." Rhiannon looks at me like I'm an insane duck. "I absolutely HATE The Giving Tree." I am so relieved. "Thank goodness. That would've been the end of us, had that been your favorite book." "Here - take my arms! Take my legs!" "Take my head! Take my shoulders!" "Because that's what love's about!" "That kid is, like, the jerk of the century," I say, relieved that Rhiannon will know what I mean. "The biggest jerk in the history of all literature, ~ David Levithan

Zane," I piped up quickly, hoping not to lose my nerve. "You can do whatever you want, but the truth is, I want you to come along. And not because I feel sorry for you. I do feel sorry for you-I'd be a total jerk if I didn't. But I want you to come because I enjoy your company, and if you don't come, I'll miss you. But I realize that's totally selfish of me, and I don't want you to come just because I asked you to." I paused for a breath, my heart racing. "Am I making any sense? ~ Edie Claire

Suddenly Tink was right in front of my face, causing me to jerk back. "I know you're mad at me and you probably want to slice and dice me up and wear my skin as a new bracelet."
I glanced around. "Um. That's not exactly what I want to do."
Hope widened his eyes.
"But I kind of want to flush you down a toilet," I amended.
He gasped. "I'd get stuck! And these pipes are old. How would you even do that? I'm not a goldfish."
I rolled my eyes. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

You're a jerk,' repeated the alien, 'a complete asshole. ~ Douglas Adams

I wasn't stupid. I realized that I was preventing her from being around her sister and her parents. Her boyfriend. I was banishing her from everything she knew.
From a comfortable future.
From money and opportunity.
From family Christmases and blue-eyed kids with Dean, who was oh-so-fucking enchanted with her.
From love.
I was ruining her life.
Because. I. Was. Jealous. ~ L.J. Shen

The telephone is a great knee-jerk machine, but if you really want to tell someone how you feel, you need the slowness of the letter. In a society where everything is fast, it's like going out in the country and looking up at the stars. ~ Nick Bantock

These days he was like a zombie, all grim business, just another jerk with an erection. ~ Tom Perrotta

I think I'm a mama's boy who wanted to be a hockey player, who failed, and had to become a singer. I think that I'm a generous, impatient, kind, jerk. ~ Michael Buble

Once I had asked, 'But are you a Democrat or a Republican?" and Jonathan said, "I'm socially progressive but fiscally conservative," and Doug Miles, a football player who also came to Sunday breakfast but only ever read the sports section and ignored everyone, lifted his head and said, "Is that like being bisexual?" Which I actually thought was funny, even though I was pretty sure Doug was a jerk. ~ Curtis Sittenfeld

If somebody's a jerk and says something nasty, be a bigger jerk and say something kind and walk away. ~ Jarod Kintz

Know the quiet place within your heart and touch the rainbow of possibility; be alive to the gentle breeze of communication, and please stop being such a jerk. ~ Garrison Keillor

I used to be surprised and even depressed when I met someone I had admired and discovered him or her to be a jerk or, perhaps worse, rather common. Now I half expect this reaction and even find it a little reassuring, maybe even uplifting. Isn't it amazing that somebody like that could produce such and such. ~ John Allen Paulos

But what if non-Christians don't like us? I hear. If someone doesn't like us, then that's no reason to change who you are. Now, if you're a jerk, then, by all means, stop being a jerk. But, don't stop being the church. Those who don't like us must not dictate who we are. That's like allowing a blind man to lead a seeing man through the gauntlet. If the church really can see, then she must lead the way. She is to dictate the culture, not the reverse. She is to tell media what's cool, not the opposite. The church is to set the trends, refusing to be a flea on the back of a dog, who merely sucks life from another organism. ~ Anonymous

Dissent is morally neutral. You can correctly call yourself a dissident because you like to kick puppies, but at the end of the day, you're just a jerk who likes to kick puppies. ~ Jonah Goldberg

Woman, if you don't already know that you've been on my mind every day for the last six years, I got no clue how to communicate that to you. Now that I've had you, that shit has not changed. It's just got worse." My back straightened and I started glaring. "Worse?" "Worse," he confirmed on a downward jerk of his chin. "Now it's not every day. It's every hour. I don't fight it, every minute. Fuck, every second, I don't keep it in check. Every second, I'm thinkin' of you, thinkin' of gettin' shit done, but only so I can get back to you." That was very, very sweet. I was still pissed. And this was because I got nothing from him, not one thing for a month! "You didn't tell me that, Deacon." "I fuckin' did, Cassidy." "When?" I snapped. He leaned toward me and shot back, "Every moment I was with you. ~ Kristen Ashley

It isn't the ups and downs that make life difficult; it's the jerks. ~ Charlie Chaplin

I've actually apologized to some people I was a real jerk to, because I feel ashamed. I didn't need to be that hungry. There was something going on inside me when I was angry and feeling very threatened and not feeling good about myself. ~ Howard Stern

You jerk."
Grinning, he backed down the steps. "I'll see you at noon, Kitten."
"I hate you," I hissed.
"The feeling's mutual." He glanced over his shoulder. "Twenty bucks says you wear a once-piece swimsuit."
He was insufferable. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

When she got downstairs, the whole family was in the kitchen, including Lucas. His face lit up like Vegas when he saw her. She automatically went straight to him and sat down, her hopes of a quiet escape ruined by what felt like a knee-jerk reaction. She hadn't intended to stay for breakfast, but it was almost as if she needed to be near him. ~ Josephine Angelini

But I can tell you this, Mr. James, I refuse to be treated with disrespect."
"Disrespect?" Burnett growled.
And then everything went to hell.
Burnett and Hayden exchanged colourful verbal blows. According to Hayden, Burnett was a prick, and according to Burnett, Hayden was an overconfident jerk who had lied.
She didn't know if she felt confident the tension wouldn't elevate to physical blows, or if she was simply too tired to care anymore. If they broke each other's noses, so be it. ~ C.C. Hunter

He stepped back, cursing. "Hey, haven't you heard of the First Amendment? You jerk!"

The security guard, still gunning like a mad scientist, said over the loudspeaker, "Sure, you little shit, and Prince Charles is a Tampax ~ Catherine Coulter

That's the problem with having a moral code. We want to destroy the jerkish part of the jerks, but we want to save the human being underneath. ~ David Levithan

He had light blond hair and a demanding voice. Devin took him either as a total jerk or the guy in charge. ~ Jordan Jarman

Fi laughs at me, the jerk. "Become real familiar with your hand."
"Pillow," I correct without thinking.
"What?" Her eyes are wide, her smile scandalized.
"Nothing. I said nothing." Fucking booze. I'm never drinking again.
"Sure you didn't, Miss Hump-and-Pump."
The throw pillow flies out of my hand and whacks her face. "Eew," Fi shouts. "This had better not be the pillow!"
"Better smell it and see. ~ Kristen Callihan

There is some blogging jerk out there who feels he can generalize his way to validity. ~ Neil Young

Upon her butler's announcing the arrival of Mr Ravenscar, Lady Mablethorpe, who had been dozing over a novel from the Circulating Library, sat up with a jerk, and raised a hand to her dishevelled cap. ~ Georgette Heyer

You're either humble or you're not. If you were a jerk before the fame, you just become a jerk with a bigger spotlight. Whoever you are really comes through. ~ Oprah Winfrey

Life sucks when you find out Superman's a jerk. ~ Lisa Turner

I know that I'm definitely not a big big snob, and I know that at the times that I am a diva I know I'm being a diva. It's kind of annoying to know that you are. Because it's a person I do not want to be. So I'm trying my best not to become a jerk. ~ Jackie Evancho

Any jerk can have short-term earnings. You squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, and the company sinks five years later. ~ Jack Welch