Jenny Lawson Quotes

You are alive. You have fought and battled them. You are scarred and worn and sometimes exhausted and were perhaps even close to giving up, but you did not. ~ Jenny Lawson

Everything in this book is mostly true but some details have been changed to protect the guilty. I know it's usually about "protecting the innocent" but why would they need protection? They're innocent. And they're also not nearly as fun to write about as the guilty, who always have more fascinating stories and who make you feel better about yourself by comparison. ~ Jenny Lawson

I judge myself by the shiny, pretty people I see at parent-teacher meetings, or on Facebook, or Pinterest, who seem to totally have their shit together and never have unwashed hair. They never wait until Thursday night to help their kid with the entire week's homework. They don't have piles of dusty boxes in corners waiting to be opened from the move before last. They have pretty, pastel lives, and they are happy, and they own picnic baskets and napkins and know how to recycle, and they never run out of toilet paper or get their electricity turned off. And it's not even that I want to be one of those people. I fucking hate picnics. If God wanted us to eat on the ground He wouldn't have invented couches. I just don't want to feel like a failure because my biggest accomplishment of the day was going to the bank. ~ Jenny Lawson

For a brief moment I thought that Stanley the Magical Squirrel had been alive up until only seconds before, when my father had chosen to give him some sort of bizarre colorectal exam gone horribly wrong. Then I realized that this was, more likely, a squirrel my father had found dead on the road, and that he had sliced it open and decided to use it as some sort of grotesque hand puppet culled from the very bowels of hell. Lisa ~ Jenny Lawson

Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax. In fact, I should probably charge money to all the normal people to simply not go to your social functions and ruin them. ~ Jenny Lawson

I'd eat a human foot if it was smothered in enough cheese and butter. ~ Jenny Lawson

A house should look lived in, and I consider it clean as long as I don't stick to it and it doesn't give me cholera. ~ Jenny Lawson

There's so much shame involved in not being like everyone else. But I learned that the things that made me unique were good. Dealing with problems can be awful. But in the end I got positive results. I don't think I would have been a writer if I didn't have anxiety. ~ Jenny Lawson

When we see celebrities who fall victim to depression's lies we think to ourselves, "How in the world could they have killed themselves? They had everything." But they didn't. They didn't have a cure for an illness that convinced them they were better off dead. ~ Jenny Lawson

Imagine having a disease so overwhelming that your mind causes you to want to murder yourself. Imagine having a malignant disorder that no one understands. Imagine having a dangerous affliction that even you can't control or suppress. Imagine all the people living life in peace. Imagine the estate of John Lennon not suing me for using that last line. Then imagine that same (often fatal) disease being one of the most misunderstood disorders ... one that so few want to talk about and one that so many of us can never completely escape from. ~ Jenny Lawson

Don't make the same mistakes that everyone else makes. Make wonderful mistakes. Make the kind of mistakes that make people so shocked that they have no other choice but to be a little impressed. ~ Jenny Lawson

It's interesting with my blog, because it feels to me less like a blog and more like a forum, because my readers are so funny and leave hysterical comments. And I'm not being humble when I say that very often, the comments are so much better than the post originally was. ~ Jenny Lawson

I used to feel a lot of guilt about having depression but then I realized that's a lot like feeling guilty for having brown hair. ~ Jenny Lawson

I believe it was Sartre who said, "Hell is other people," and I suspect he wrote that after spending an hour with overinvolved parents who won't stop yelling at coaches, instructors, or crying four-year-olds who really just want a snow cone. ~ Jenny Lawson

Rory the Dead Raccoon stood up on his hind legs, his arms stretched out in glee. He looked like he was the most excited member of your surprise party, or like a Time Lord in the process of regenerating. His ~ Jenny Lawson

Necessity is the mother of invention but boredom is the mother of doing bafflingly stupid shit. ~ Jenny Lawson

he said that he couldn't even give people who'd been shot the bullets he dug out of them because they're considered "medical waste" once they've been pulled out of your body. This seems a bit hypocritical because my daughter came out of my body and they totally let me take her home. ~ Jenny Lawson

I'm not entirely sure what these are all for but I think the top one that looks like a stick figure is to notify people that you've found the Blair Witch, and I think the next one means "Poop won't go down. Use your foot." I assume the orange button on the far left is for starting a war, and then there are two for washing your boobs for some reason, and then one about levitating on a fountain, and I think the last one is for ordering bacon? Frankly, I was too afraid to try out all of the buttons because just sitting on it triggered something that made it break out into song. It was unsettling. Like, a pooping lullaby. ~ Jenny Lawson

I told my boss that I had a book inside of me, and that I needed to get it out even if I had to squeeze it through my vagina. Because that's exactly what the world needs. A book squeezed from my vagina. ~ Jenny Lawson

I don't think you're listening to me," he said. And then he said something else but I didn't hear it because I was too busy being mad about his accusations. I mean, can you believe this guy? And then I realized that he'd stopped talking and was waiting for a response and I assumed he must've apologized so I said, "I forgive you. But don't let it happen again." Then he yelled some more, probably because he wasn't used to someone being that gracious. ~ Jenny Lawson

I wonder if when birds are new they ever try to land on clouds? And if so is it like when you think you've gone down the last stair but there's still another one and you step off and make that weird "oof" noise and everyone looks at you? That would suck. But at least birds are hidden when they fuck up and fall through clouds. ~ Jenny Lawson

I wish for her to have love, and just enough heartbreak to appreciate it. ~ Jenny Lawson

My old e-mail addresses are like bars I've been kicked out of and can never return to. ~ Jenny Lawson

No one ever expects vaginal arthritis. (Or the Spanish Inquisition). ~ Jenny Lawson

Yeah, I know what "off the horse" means. I just can't remember how we got to the point where I'm defending myself against the imaginary accusations of a man who gives hairless rats to neighborhood children, and who apparently trusts the nonexistent squirrel junkies in the attic. ~ Jenny Lawson

Are asparaguses just artichokes that haven't grown properly? Like they started smoking and got really skinny, like supermodels? * ~ Jenny Lawson

STAGE 2: You fall asleep for eight minutes and you have that dream where you've missed a semester of classes and don't know where you're supposed to be and when you wake up you realize that even in sleep you're fucking your life up. ~ Jenny Lawson

I stood at the end of the street, catching snow in my mouth, and laughed softly to myself as I realized that without my insomnia and anxiety and pain I'd never have been awake to see the city that never sleeps asleep and blanketed up for winter. I smiled and felt silly, but in the best possible way. ~ Jenny Lawson

I'd convinced myself that girls are like small bears: cute to look at, but far too dangerous to have lunch with. ~ Jenny Lawson

Personally, I always compare myself to Galileo because everyone knows he's fantastic, but he has no spoons at all because he's dead. So technically I'm better than Galileo because all I've done is take a shower and already I've accomplished more than him today. ~ Jenny Lawson

Someone has to be the worst ninja in the class. That's just basic math. ~ Jenny Lawson

everything in the world either is or isn't pandas ~ Jenny Lawson

It was my job to accidentally make money, and his job to make sure I didn't lose it while I was doing wobbly cartwheels in the parking lot after the bars closed. ~ Jenny Lawson

When life gives you lemons you should freeze them and use them to throw at your enemies using some sort of trebuchet. ~ Jenny Lawson

I'm fucking done with sadness, and I don't know what's up the ass of the universe lately, but I'VE HAD IT. I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUSLY HAPPY, OUT OF SHEER SPITE.

Can you hear that? That's me smiling, y'all. I'm smiling so loud you can fucking hear it. I'm going to destroy the goddamn universe with my irrational joy and I will spew forth pictures of clumsy kittens and baby puppies adopted by raccoons and MOTHERFUCKING NEWBORN LLAMAS DIPPED IN GLITTER AND THE BLOOD OF SEXY VAMPIRES AND IT'S GOING TO BE AWESOME. In fact, I'm starting a whole movement right now. The FURIOUSLY HAPPY movement. And it's going to be awesome because first of all, we're all going to be VEHEMENTLY happy, and secondly because it will freak the shit out of everyone that hates you because those assholes don't want to see you even vaguely amused, much less furiously happy, and it will make their world turn a little sideways and will probably scare the shit out of them. Which will make you even more happy. Legitimately. ~ Jenny Lawson

That's the good thing about hanging with bloggers. Most of them are kind of fucked up in the same way you are. ~ Jenny Lawson

The most unsettling part of the visit, however, came when the doctor casually asked if I'd ever considered having any work done, as they were having a special on Botox. Then I stabbed him in the knee with a pen. But just in my mind, because you can never find a pen when you really need one. In reality I just told him that I wasn't a fan of paying money to inject paralyzing poison into my face and that I was actually quite proud of my laugh lines, which I view as a badge that tells people I'm not an asshole. He countered that it was really the frown line between my eyebrows that he'd focus on. I pointed out that I'd gone through a lot of living to get that frowny wrinkle and I wasn't about to erase it now.
"MY HUSBAND MADE THAT LINE," I said, with a defensiveness that surprised even me. "This line represents every time I have ever argued with him about everything in the damn world. It's a line that says, 'Don't cross me or I will cut you.' It's practically a medal for time served and I EARNED IT. ~ Jenny Lawson

Texas is a state that had once outlawed sodomy and fellatio, but is totally cool with men giving themselves golden showers in the name of deer hunting. ~ Jenny Lawson

I know other people who are like me ... They are brilliant and amazing and forever broken. I'm lucky that although Victor doesn't understand it, he tries to understand, telling me, "Relax. There's absolutely nothing to panic about." I smile gratefully at him and pretend that's all I needed to hear and that this is just a silly phase that will pass one day. I know there's nothing to panic about. And that's exactly what makes it so much worse. ~ Jenny Lawson

Victor didn't entirely understand my love for Rory, but he couldn't disagree that Rory was probably the best raccoon corpse that anyone had ever loved. Rory's tiny arms perpetually reached out as if to say, "OHMYGOD, YOU ARE MY FAVORITE. PERSON. EVER. PLEASE LET ME CHEW YOUR FACE OFF WITH MY LOVE." Whenever I'd accomplished a particularly impossible goal (like remembering to refill my ADD meds even though I have ADD and was out of ADD meds) Rory was always there, eternally offering supportive high fives because he understood the value of celebrating the small victories. ~ Jenny Lawson

And maybe one day I'll be found, and someone will explain to me why I am the way that I am. Or maybe not. After all, some stories aren't meant to be told. ~ Jenny Lawson

Then she told me that the Americans with Disabilities Act was recently interpreted as allowing "people with anxiety disorders to travel with an emotional-support pony on airlines." So basically I could bring a goddamn pony on board with me. I'm pretty sure a pony wouldn't fit under my seat or in my lap, but I rather liked the idea of a small medicinal horse standing in the aisle beside me while I braided his mane. ~ Jenny Lawson

I made a note on my phone to create a Swiss Army Dillo but spell-check changed it to "Create a Swiss Army Dildo," which frankly just seems painful and excessive. ~ Jenny Lawson

So then I went on the Internet to find out why that is and apparently we yawn when other people yawn because we see them getting lots of delicious air and our brain is all, FUCK, THAT LOOKS DELICIOUS. GRAB SOME QUICK BEFORE THAT BITCH TAKES IT ALL. ~ Jenny Lawson

It's called "concoctulary,"2 y'all. ~ Jenny Lawson

I know that I'm crazy. And that has made all the difference." From: Furiously Happy: A funny book about horrible things. ~ Jenny Lawson

I've always been a fan of therapy. You spend an entire hour talking about yourself and someone has to fake being fascinated by the strange assemblage of minutiae that is you. ~ Jenny Lawson

I am furiously happy. It's not a cure for mental illness ... it's a weapon, designed to counter it. It's a way to take back some of the joy that's robbed from you when you're crazy. ~ Jenny Lawson

If I'd have been thinking I would have left some Woolite and my delicates by the sink for him to rinse out, but you never think to turn your pet raccoon into a tiny butler until it's too late. ~ Jenny Lawson

I don't get the anti-slut-shaming movement. They're like, "Don't shame the sluts," and I'm like, "You're the one calling them sluts." It's like having a "Lay off the fatties" campaign. ~ Jenny Lawson

So many of us feel like we're misfits until we finally find our tribe - the other people who are are strange in the same way - and suddenly everything clicks. ~ Jenny Lawson

To all who walk the dark path, and to those who walk in the sunshine but hold out a hand in the darkness to travel beside us: Brighter days are coming. Clearer sight will arrive. And you will arrive too. No, it might not be forever. The bright moments might be for a few days at a time, but hold on for those days. Those days are worth the dark. ~ Jenny Lawson

Also, whenever I read this paragraph to people who don't live in the South, they get hung up on the fact that we had furniture devoted to just guns, but in rural Texas pretty much everyone has a gun cabinet. Unless they're gay. Then they have gun armoires. ~ Jenny Lawson

I almost never use B.C. and A.D. to describe time periods. I use BKCWC. Before Kirk Cameron Went Crazy. That's how I judge time. * ~ Jenny Lawson

Most people don't have poisonous tap water in their house. ~ Jenny Lawson

*Spoiler alert: Bambi's mom doesn't make it. ~ Jenny Lawson

If you put a bunch of chameleons on top of a bunch of chameleons on top of a bowl of Skittles what would happen? Is that science? Because if so, I finally get why people want to do science. ~ Jenny Lawson

In spite of the fact that I hurt more than when I was in labor, I was pretty sure the doctor was just going to tell me I needed to fart really bad. ~ Jenny Lawson

Women scare enough, but bloggers can be even more frightening to deal with. Most bloggers are emotionally unstable and are often awkward in social situations, which is why so many of us turned to blogging in the first place. Also, they are always looking for something to write about, so if you fuck something up it will be blogged, Facebooked, and retweeted until your death. ~ Jenny Lawson

The world always looks nicer when it's a little blurry - that's why so many of us have a second glass of wine at dinner. ~ Jenny Lawson

The dark side always seemed very organized and vaguely Republican. ~ Jenny Lawson

You never think to appreciate your arms until you need them to stop the floor from punching you in the face. ~ Jenny Lawson

I'm always another half day behind in life. ~ Jenny Lawson

Victor claims these kinds of things don't go on in normal households, but I'm pretty sure this entire incident could be blamed on the fact that I have several real-life sleep disorders. This is not too surprising considering I collect neurological disorders like other people collect comic books. ~ Jenny Lawson

I'm not sure I have the words to describe that moment but if there's a word that means the exact opposite of "ladylike", that would be a good start. ~ Jenny Lawson

Because you are defined not by life's imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them. And because there is joy in embracing - rather than running from - the utter absurdity of life. ~ Jenny Lawson

Because it was the first time in my life that I gave myself permission to be me. I was still shy and self-conscious and terrified of people, but Jenkins had essentially freed me of the bonds of having to try to fit in. ~ Jenny Lawson

As the doctor walked me out he told me to "stop worrying so much" because it's possible that some of the rash actually is hives caused by nerves, and I made a note to tell my shrink the breaking news that the medical world finally found the cure for my severe anxiety disorder and that the prescription is "Just stop worrying so much." My God, we've come so far with science. Later ~ Jenny Lawson

Pretty much everyone hates high school. It's a measure of your humanity, I suspect. If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both. Those things aren't mutually exclusive, you know. I've tried to block out the memory of my high school years, but no matter how hard you try, it's always with you, like an unwanted hitchhiker. Or herpes. I assume ... ~ Jenny Lawson

If I cannot see the moon, I'll make my own. ~ Jenny Lawson

I am very aware of the fact that I'm not right. I know hiding under tables and in bathrooms isn't normal. I know that I've carved out a life that lets me hide when I need to because I wouldn't survive any other way. ~ Jenny Lawson

No," I replied testily. "I'm pretty sure 'digital' is Latin for 'fingeral,' so finger cancer equals digital cancer. This is all basic anatomy, Dr. Roland." The Dr. Roland told me that he thought I was overreacting, and the "fingeral" wasn't even a real word. Then I told him that I though he was underreacting, probably because he's embarrassed that he doesn't know how Latin works. Then he claimed that "underrecating" isn't a word either. The man has a terrible bedside manner. ~ Jenny Lawson

Because money can't buy the happiness of a good and understanding spouse. ~ Jenny Lawson

She was right, but at the same time she reminded me why girls make both great and terrible friends: They actually listen to your goals, even when you're too drunk to know what you're saying. ~ Jenny Lawson

I'm having one of those rare days where I love people and all of the amazing wonder they're capable of and if someone fucks that up for me I will stab them right in the face. ~ Jenny Lawson

Writing about my illness put me into places. It was very triggering. I had to completely remove myself and practice self-care. I learned to be patient. ~ Jenny Lawson

Interestingly, female kangaroos have three vaginas, but male kangaroos only have a two-pronged penis. It's like they've started a Darwinian game of one-upmanship and the girls are winning. (Fascinating factoid: Kangaroos also drool on themselves to keep cool [because nothing looks cooler than a drooling kangaroo] but that's helpful to know because when you see them drooling at the mouth it doesn't necessarily mean that they have rabies. It just means they're hot [hot referring to their temperature, not sexiness]. If you find drooling kangaroos sexy you probably need help.) I ~ Jenny Lawson

Even the ugliest person's cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel's lower intestine.' I'd put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it. ~ Jenny Lawson

The more I considered it, the more I realized how much I have in common with these koalas. We're both immunocompromised, lightly diseased, exhausted, and full of toxins. I'm totally a koala. ~ Jenny Lawson

I was in the midst of a medium-sized panic attack. ~ Jenny Lawson

How am I feeling? I'm sort of in the mood to feel righteously indignant but I don't have anything worth getting indignant about. I guess I'm mad that people aren't stupider when I need them to be. ~ Jenny Lawson

Perch Rory on their backs and they'd stand still for a second but by the time I'd backed up and gotten them in focus they'd turn around like, "What are you doing? Why is there a raccoon on my back? Why do they even let you be in charge of things?" and then they'd just flop over on their sides like a bunch of ingrates who didn't understand art. Rory would gently tumble onto the floor, which I suspect sent the cats mixed messages because he was still waving his hands in the air like he just didn't care, as if he were celebrating the cats being assholes, and I was like, "You're killin' me, Smalls," but then he just celebrated the fact that I was frustrated. Honestly, it is impossible to stay mad at that raccoon. ~ Jenny Lawson

So you'll have to trust me when I say that you are worthy, important, and necessary. And smart.
You may ask how I know and I'll tell you how. It's because right now? YOU'RE READING. That's what the sexy people do. Other, less awesome people might currently be in their front yards chasing down and punching squirrels, but not you. You're quietly curled up with a book designed to make you a better, happier, more introspective person.
You win. You are amazing. ~ Jenny Lawson

Usually your kids' positive qualities come less from your making them awesome and more from just not intentionally squashing the random things they're inherently born with that make them awesome. ~ Jenny Lawson

You are worthy, important, and necessary. And smart. You may ask how I know and I'll tell you how. It's because right now? YOU'RE READING. That's what the sexy people do. Other, less awesome people might currently be in their front yards chasing down and punching squirrels, but not you. You're quietly curled up with a book designed to make you a better, happier, more introspective person. ~ Jenny Lawson

Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he'd eaten a necklace. ~ Jenny Lawson

I've tried many torturous techniques to make my outsides fit the ridiculous standards society has set but it never ends well because my body lives in reality and it's a reality that has too much cheese in it. ~ Jenny Lawson

When I was little, my father used to sell guns and ammo at a sporting goods store, but I always told everyone he was an arms dealer, because it sounded more exciting. ~ Jenny Lawson

Then a man onstage quoted Sam Houston, saying, "Texas can make it without the United States, BUT THE UNITED STATES CANNOT MAKE IT WITHOUT TEXAS!" and everyone in the entire fucking audience yelled it along with him, and I thought, "Wow. It's really no wonder that the rest of America hates us. ~ Jenny Lawson

It's tempting to start each sentence with an apology or disclaimer. To preface everything with "In my life I've found" so that people can't yell at me for being wrong (I often am) or misinformed (sure) or overly emotional (HOW DARE YOU). ... That's one of the frightening things about writing a book that no one ever tells you. You have to pin down your thoughts and opinions and then they exist on a page, ungrowing, forever. ~ Jenny Lawson

I'm not rewarding unrequested, lazy singers with their aggressive pudding demands. ~ Jenny Lawson

I once threw myself a surprise party on Twitter because I was lonely. It was awesome. Thousands of people showed up and then Wil Wheaton and I made a bunch of monkey-ponies. It was the most successful surprise party I've ever thrown in my life. It was also the only surprise party I've ever thrown in my whole life. ~ Jenny Lawson

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever. ~ Jenny Lawson

That's when I consider chopping off their arms and then blaming them for not picking up their severed arms so they can take them to the hospital to get reattached. Just pick them up and take them to get fixed. IT'S NOT THAT HARD, SARAH. I pick up stuff all the time. We all do. No, I'm not going to help you because you have to learn to do this for yourself. I won't always be around to help you, you know. I'm sure you could do it if you just tried. Honestly, it's like you don't even want to have arms. ~ Jenny Lawson

The dead raccoon's name was Rory. I fell in love with him the instant I saw him because he looked exactly like Rambo, the rescued, orphaned raccoon who lived in my bathtub when I was little. Rory hadn't been lucky enough to be adopted by a small child who'd dress him up in small shorts sets and let him turn her sink into his own tiny waterfall. Instead, Rory had fallen in with a bad crowd and ended up as roadkill, but my friend Jeremy (a burgeoning taxidermist) saw great potential (and very few tire marks) on the cadaver and decided that Rory's tiny spirit should live on in the most disturbingly joyous way possible. ~ Jenny Lawson

Suddenly bug infestations were the new friendship bracelet and some people even took to pretending to have scabies in order to fit in with the cool kids. People were literally bragging about internal bug infestations THAT THEY DIDN'T. EVEN. HAVE. And that's when I realized that popularity is a big bunch of bullshit. ~ Jenny Lawson

If I were a dominatrix I would force my submissive to do my washing up and clean the fridge and brush the cats and whenever he tried to say the safety word ("banana") to make me stop because it wasn't what he wanted I would chuckle softly and say, "No, Gary. That's definitely not the safety word," and I would tighten the leash and hand him a mop and I'd say, "So your wife won't do this for you? That's so sad. Now finish the floors and go pick up my dry-cleaning." It would be ten years later and I'd still have someone to pick me up at the airport and do all the shit I didn't want to do and then on his deathbed I'd say, "Hey, Gary? I was just kidding. The secret word really was 'banana,'" and then we'd laugh and laugh. ~ Jenny Lawson

I had always wanted to go on the Orient Express, but that I'd sort of consider it a wasted opportunity if a murder didn't happen. It's not that I'm particularly bloodthirsty, it's just that I have standards ~ Jenny Lawson

Technically, if I were farther away from the center of the Earth then I'd be subjected to less gravity and then I would weigh less. So I'm not really fat. I'm just not high enough. ~ Jenny Lawson

Laura, they rub your face off using DIAMONDS. ~ Jenny Lawson