Douche Bag Quotes

If I was a cynic I would be wondering if sooner or later some charismatic douche-bag might stomp all over this Little House on the Prairie dream of yours. ~ Stephen Baxter

Abs - all the assholes had them. Four to six muscles were like a graph chart to show just how big of a douche bag the guy was. ~ Jamie McGuire

April is tax month. If you are having trouble filing your taxes, then you should hire an accountant. They'll give you the same advice that they've given hundreds of corporations - taxes are for douche bags. ~ Ed Helms

Don't demean what I know is one of your favorite body parts. ~ Gil A. Waters

There are five levels of the douche hierarchy: douche, douche bag, douche canoe, douche nozzle and right at the top, the king of it all, when the douche is displaying phenomenal amounts of doucheness, is a douche rocket. It's when someone is such a douche, like the KING of douches, they can no longer be described as a douche nozzle, they are ALL the levels of douchery put together, and douche rocked is used. ~ Christine Zolendz

Forget all of our past bullshit, okay? I've got less than a handful of days to convince you that I'm not a complete douche bag, and I want a fair shot. Give it to me. ~ Liz Reinhardt

I'll rip the fucking asshole's dick off and stuff it down his douche-bag throat. Take my whip and cornhole the bastard peckerheaded fuckwad till his ass whistles "The Star Spangled Banner." Then I'll break the dried-up piece of jackwad's leg off and shove it up his ass. ~ Cherise Sinclair

You're worse than a douche bag. You're a douche puddle, the excrement of a douching. ~ L.D. Davis

My mouth dropped open, because even if it wasn't my best friend, I knew the guy who was presently rubbing the short stubble on his chin. The only new thing about him was the little scar on his left eyebrow. It was Gabriel Green, known to me as Gabe the douche bag. Great! ~ Stephanie Witter

It takes the right guy to show you how wrong the last douche bag was. ~ Srinivas Shenoy

Hell, even I'm a little surprised by Nine
between this and our little heart-to-heart in the doorway earlier, I might have to upgrade him from total douche bag to minor tool. ~ Pittacus Lore

Your attempt at GQ has, tragically, ended in douche-bag. - Anna, Seers of Light ~ Jennifer DeLucy

If a man tells you he's an asshole & that you deserve better, believe him...it's a warning. It's best you listen before he proves it to you. ~ April Mae Monterrosa

A douchebag has an image to maintain. He is not real. He is the kind of guy who will change his last name into something cooler and more impressive. ~ Cory Duchesne

I know Matt is your friend, but I think he's a douche bag. ~ Rebekkah Ford

Sheriff Fox was running his fingers through his thin hair. In a few short years, he'd look bald as a peeled apple. The Snoop sisters and their sidekick, the town's bag lady no less, had traipsed into his office without knocking first. His admin (he couldn't remember their names to save his life) had ushered them in, and they'd just dumped this hot potato into his lap. ~ Ed Lynskey

The refugee card was and continues to be an insult to remind us of the little that refugees get in comparison with what they have really lost. Would a bag of flour compensate for the farmland they once had? Would a bag of sugar make up for the bitter misery those people have always felt after losing their sweet homes to dwell in refugee camps? Would the two bottles of oil make them forget their olive trees, which had been mercilessly uprooted as they themselves were? Or maybe it is simply a declaration that they are temporary refugees who once had the land which, as long as this card is still in their hands, would still be waiting for them to return. Only a shot of sharp pain brought me back to the present. ~ Refaat Alareer

When a man comes to your house with a bag full of money, he certainly has seen more in your backyard than in the bag. ~ M.F. Moonzajer

I think I'm in love, she said. He clapped a bag over his mouth and threw up. ~ Neal Stephenson

I believe in the Yves Saint Laurent woman who either has her hands in the pockets of her pantsuit or is holding her lover's hand. She doesn't need a bag. ~ Carine Roitfeld

If you do this, Nedra, if you choose necromancy… I cannot follow you into that darkness."
"Oh, Grey," I said, shifting my bag onto my shoulder. "What do you know of darkness? ~ Beth Revis

I sat down in a booth, and the waitress shoved a menu in front of me. There wasn't anything on it that sounded good, and anyway, one look at her and my stomach turned flipflops ... Every goddamned restaurant I go to, it's always the same way ... They'll have some old bag on the payroll - I figure they keep her locked up in the mop closet until they see me coming. And they'll doll her up in the dirtiest goddamned apron they can find and smear that crappy red polish all over her fingernails, and everything about her is smeary and sloppy and smelly. And she's the dame that always waits on me. ~ Jim Thompson

I'd fallen back on my looks over and over because I didn't think I had anything else to offer, but now I was starting to see that I was actually smart. Getting a graded paper on which the professor wrote "well written!" felt a million times better than getting a 25 percent tip because some d-bag got to ogle my butt when I dropped off his burger. ~ Naya Rivera

Check bags are fun. I just make sure there won't be anything illegal in my check bag which is forbidden at a cabin of a plane. Just leaving things like scissors and such out of my carry-on things in order to avoid troubles with some certain airline, y'know. ~ Kerry King

I had done a fair bit of traveling during the holidays in my school days with my guitar and discovered that I could live on it. Admittedly, I traveled with a sleeping bag but I could always find somewhere to lay my head. ~ Jeremy Irons

One day when we came to a stop, a worker took a piece of bread out of his bag and threw it into a wagon. There was a stampede. Dozens of starving men fought desperately over a few crumbs. The worker watched the spectacle with great interest... Years later, I witnessed a similar spectacle in Aden. Out ship's passengers amused themselves by throwing coins to the "natives," who dove to retrieve them. An elegant Parisian lady took great pleasure in this game. When I noticed two children desperately fighting in the water, one trying to strangle the other, I implored the lady, 'Please don't throw any more coins!' 'Why not?' said she. 'I like to give charity... ~ Elie Wiesel

I'll never forget that Depression Easter Sunday. Our son was four years old. I bought ten or fifteen cents' worth of eggs. You didn't get too many eggs for that. But we were down. Margaret said, 'Why he'll find those in five minutes.' I had a couple in the piano and all around. Tommy got his little Easter basket, and as he would find the eggs, I'd steal 'em out of the basket and re-hide them. The kid had more fun that Easter than he ever had. He hunted Easter eggs for three hours and he never knew the difference. (Laughs.) "My son is now thirty-nine years old. And I bore him to death every Easter with the story. He never even noticed his bag full of Easter eggs never got any fuller. . . . ~ Studs Terkel

My mom allowed me to take an old burlap bag and fill it with moss, corn stalks and rocks, then hang it from a tree and spend an hour a day punching my heavy bag. ~ Joe Frazier

I'm serious," I say. "I don't want to lose him."
"Then maybe you should go away for a little bit. After all, absence makes the heart grow horny, right?"
"That's not exactly how the saying goes."
"But it should, because you know it's true. If you go away for a couple of days, Ben won't know what to do with himself."
"Maybe you're right," I say, tossing more candy corn into my mouth (therapy in a bag).
"Damn straight, I am. Now, the biggest question: Can I fit into your suitcase? Because I really don't feel like staying here by myself. ~ Laurie Faria Stolarz

Kids shouting and skidding in the playground with no idea what future Hells awaited them: boring jobs and ruinous mortgages and bad marriages and hair loss and hip replacements and lonely cups of coffee in an empty house and a colostomy bag at the hospital. ~ Donna Tartt

Sarah'. She had thought they had thrown that bit of history into the trash, and the trash into the incinerator. But apparently 'Sarah' had only been thrown into a plastic bag and left in the closet under the bathroom sink, where the packet gathered mold and fungus and slowly acquired a signature stink. That stench was now slowly escaping from between the gap of the doors and the bathroom floor.
Sarah was Siddharth's ex. ~ Shweta Ganesh Kumar

You have to develop a style that suits you and pursue it, not just develop a bag of tricks. Always be yourself. ~ James Stewart

The boy swelled up, and his skin filled with pockets of blood. In some places, the skin almost separated from the underlying tissue. This happened during the last phase, while he was on the respirator. It is called third spacing. If you bleed into the first space, you bleed into your lungs. If you bleed into the second space, you bleed into your stomach and intestines. If you bleed into the third space, you bleed into the space between the skin and the flesh. The skin puffs up and separates from the flesh like a bag. Peter Cardinal had bled out under his skin. ~ Richard Preston

I want a drink. I want fifty drinks. I want a bottle of the purest, strongest, most destructive, most poisonous alcohol on Earth. I want fifty bottles of it. I want crack, dirty and yellow and filled with formaldehyde. I want a pile of powder meth, five hundred hits of acid, a garbage bag full of mushrooms, a tube of glue bigger than a truck, a pool of gas large enough to drown in. I want something anything whatever however as much as I can. ~ James Frey

Every morning when you get up look in the mirror and say, "Fuck you, sadness. Eat shit, self-doubt. And suck a bag of dicks, Satan." Life is out to destroy you and everyone you care about. So kick it in the genitals and step on its throat. No matter what any religion says, independence is your divine right even if you have to murder god to achieve it. ~ Raptor Jesus

Loaded my black patent leather bag with sherry, cream cheese (for grammy's apricot tarts), thyme, basil, bay leaves (for Wendy's exotic stews - a facsimile of which now simmers on the stove), golden wafers (such an elegant name for Ritz crackers), apples and green pears.
I was getting worried about becoming too happily stodgily practical: instead of studying Locke, for instance, or writing - I go make an apple pie, or study the Joy of Cooking, reading it like a rare novel. Whoa, I said to myself. You will escape into domesticity & stifle yourself by falling headfirst into a bowl of cookie batter. ~ Sylvia Plath

The Surprise Attack. This is when you think someone scaring you will frighten the hiccups away. Of course, popping a paper bag behind you or clapping in your ear isn't going to cut it. No, this only works when somebody shoves you off a tall skyscraper ledge into a properly rigged-up safety net forty stories below. ~ Neil Pasricha

If you can write a character who is attractive but morally reprehensible, then you've got a character. It's got to feel like people I know and it doesn't just become a bag of tricks. ~ Jez Butterworth

Nobody said anything while I opened the bag and took out the egg salad sandwich. It was one of those funny moments when a bit of normal human activity embarrasses everybody out of their bluster and hostility, and roles are momentarily laid aside. ~ Jonathan Lethem

They look at the shoes, the watch, and the bag. Then they decide where to seat you. ~ Suzanne Munshower

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month. ~ Adam Carolla

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'. ~ Dave Barry

Tink flew over, hovering next to me. "How was your day, honey?"
I smiled faintly as I dropped the bag into the seat then zipped it open. "Not the greatest."
He cocked his head to the side. "You want to tell Dr. Tink all about it?"
"Thought you didn't like to be called Tink."
"Don't question my inconsistencies."
I laughed again. "I don't really want to talk about it." I pulled out the box of candies. "But I have pralines. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

There was something sly about his smile,
his eyes so black and sharp, his rufous hair. Something
that sent her early to their trysting place,
beneath the oak, beside the thornbush,
something that made her climb the tree and wait.
Climb a tree, and in her condition.
Her love arrived at dusk, skulking by owl-light,
carrying a bag,
from which he took a mattock, shovel, knife.
He worked with a will, beside the thornbush, beneath the oaken tree,
he whistled gently, and he sang, as he dug her grave,
that old song ...
shall I sing it for you, now, good folk? ~ Neil Gaiman

If ya got a bag of twee we'll blaze it real big, boo! ~ Bone Thugz-n-harmony

Are you for real?" She let out a short laugh, looking away. Why did so many good-looking guys have to be such douche canoes? "Man, you are something else."
"That I am."
"That wasn't a compliment."
"You sure about that?"
"Uh, yeah. I am."
"Hmm." He sounded utterly dismissive.
She had to force her hands to unclench. "I think you're the most uptight person I know."
"You know nothing about me."
"I know enough to know you need a hobby or a pastime. Maybe a different workout regimen to de-stress or you need to get laid. Something to loosen you up a bit."
His lips parted as he stared down at her. He looked affronted. Like if he had pearls, he'd be clutching them. "Did you seriously just tell me I needed to get laid?"
Rosie rolled her eyes. "Did you seriously just prove what I said?"
A moment passed. "Are you volunteering? ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout