Cleaning Humor Quotes

The biggest fight in my relationship with Danny regards his absurd claim that he invited the popular middle school phenomenon of saying "cha-cha-cha" after each phrase of the Happy Birthday song- an idea his ingenious sixth-grade brain allegedly spawned in a New Jersey Chuck E. Cheese and watched spread across 1993 America with an unprecedented rapidity. ~ Marina Keegan

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge. ~ Bertrand Russell

I hope your mamma is quite well?"
This unexpected inquiry put me into such a difficulty that I began saying in the absurdest way that if there had been any such person I had no doubt that she would have been quite well and would have been very much obliged and would have sent her compliments, when the nurse came to my rescue. ~ Charles Dickens

He stared down at the golden curls of the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness.
"You know," he concluded, after a while, "I think he actually looks like an Adam. ~ Neil Gaiman

Choose life, choose to be happy and make somebody smile. ~ Ray S. Jones

Twat is twat and that is that. ~ George Carlin

Oh, Fortuna, blind, heedless goddess, I am strapped to your wheel,' Ignatius belched, 'Do not crush me beneath your spokes. Raise me on high, divinity. ~ John Kennedy Toole

And now, it seems, they are all here: the handsome masculine ones desired alike by men and women; the gushing swishes, hands aflutter like wings; the few stray women secure among the men who will idolize them but not love them; and as in any group of homosexuals and those lured for whatever reason to them, there is here a mood of superficial good humor, of euphoria bordering on hysteria. So ~ John Rechy

I'd be very happy if someone remembered that there are no capitals in my name. (Sigh)
cj petterson ~ C.J. Petterson

Gated?" Aaron asked. "What does that mean?"

Scott paused before sharing a look with Skyler and Ella. "When you first
arrived at Salvador, you came across a Gate," Scott said.

Aaron thought for a moment. "You mean that big white door?"

Scott's lips lifted into an amused smile. Behind him, Skyler facepalmed. ~ S.F. Mazhar

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. ~ Emo Philips

If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away. ~ Eugene Mirman

Show physical affection. Nothing says "I love you" like bearing the entirety of your spouse's weight. ~ Jesse Petersen

For a few precarious seconds, the chaplain tingled with a weird, occult sensation of having experienced the identical situation before in some prior time or existence. He endeavored to trap and nourish the impression in order to predict, and perhaps even control, what incident would occur next, but the afflatus melted away unproductively, as he had known beforehand it would. Déjà vu. The subtle recurring confusion between illusion and reality that was characteristic of paramnesia fascinated the chaplain, and he knew a number of things about it. He knew, for example, that it was called paramnesia and he was interested as well in such corollary optical phenomena as jamais vu, never seen, and presque vu, almost seen. There were terrifying, sudden moments when objects, concepts and even people that the chaplain had lived with almost all his life inexplicably took on an unfamiliar and irregular aspect that he had never seen before and which made them seem totally strange: jamais vu. And there were other moments when he almost saw absolute truth in brilliant flashes of clarity that almost came to him: presque vu. ~ Joseph Heller

Humor is healing. ~ Brad Garrett

You can't make a person, a human being with a first kiss and a sense of humor and a favorite sandwich, and then expect her to dissolve back into scribbled notes and whiskeyed coffee when she no longer suits your purposes. I think I always knew she would come back to find me, someday. ~ Tana French

Your hallucination...
Yes?
Your hallucination has hallucinations.
Yes. ~ Brandon Sanderson

They sounded like intestines, only on the outside, and the men in the Bible were always having them cut off and not being able to go to church. Horrid. ~ Jeanette Winterson

Here are the Top Ten things that your parents say to you:
-Is that all you're going to do all day, sit in front of the computer?
-When I was your age I had two jobs.
-Why don't you wear some clothes that fir for a change?
-Turn it down. I can hear it all the way over here.
-You're not eating that for dinner.
-Did you do your homework?
-Stop mumbling and speak up.
-Now what did you do?
-Because I said so.
-No. ~ Charles Benoit

It's clearly a budget. It's got lots of numbers in it. ~ George W. Bush

Learning the difference between God's intervention, the devil's mischief, and PMS can lead to increased happiness. ~ J.P. Galuska

I have never heard any of your lectures, but from what I can learn I should say that for people who like the kind of lectures you deliver, they are just the kind of lectures such people like. Yours respectfully, O. Abe. ~ Artemus Ward

Clichés can be quite fun. That's how they got to be clichés. ~ Alan Bennett

Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on. ~ Solange Nicole

But she wasn't a wife and mother. And, Joey aside, she didn't want to be one. Her mother had spend every last minute cooking for Papa, cleaning for Papa, looking nice for Papa, entertaining for Papa, producing babies for Papa. The measuring stick she used to judge herself based on how pleased or displeased Papa was with her, their home, and her ability to raise their children properly.
The very thought of being measured by that same stick horrified Billy. She couldn't think of anything worse. As far as she was concerned, domesticity was nothing more than a glorified jail sentence. ~ Deeanne Gist

…"The few humans I've met who know what we are usually want to have sex with us."

"Even the men?" she asked, appearing confused.
"They want to have sex with the female centaurs?"

Caid was about to get insulted for the females of his race when Keeley added. "I mean...don't they feel insecure? There's no way they could possibly live up to what I've seen trotting around your camps."

Caid turned away, attempting to stop the laughter by rubbing his nose with his fist. ~ G.A. Aiken

Don't you love fall?" Stacey asked. "All the little festivals, the changing leaves, kids in Halloween costumes, the dead spewing up out of their graves to haunt the living ... ~ J.L. Bryan

When I was laying there in his arms nothing else mattered. My parents, my lack of funds, everything just seemed to melt away as I was lost in his lips- Bentley Evans ~ Magan Vernon

When Guante started, they thought he'd be like popcorn, one of the most popular things around. ~ Jerry Coleman

On the platform in the opposite corner of the bar, the jazz ensemble was playing a perky little tune. Admittedly, when the Count had first encountered jazz, he hadn't much of an affinity for it. He had been raised to appreciate music of sentiment and nuance, music that rewarded patience and attention with crescendos and diminuendos, allegros and adagios artfully arranged over four whole movements – not a fistful of notes crammed higgledy-piggledy into thirty measures.
And yet…
And yet, the art form had grown on him. Like the American correspondents, jazz seemed a naturally gregarious force – one that was a little unruly and prone to say the first thing that popped into its head, but generally of good humor and friendly intent. In addition, it seemed decidedly unconcerned with where it had been or where it was going – exhibiting somehow simultaneously the confidence of the master and the inexperience of the apprentice. Was there any wonder that such an art had failed to originate in Europe? ~ Amor Towles

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm". At the time this was the last thing on my mind ... ~ Terry Pratchett