Carl Hiaasen Quotes

His mother wanted him closer to home. The funeral had been ~ Carl Hiaasen

I don't have an e-reader. One reason is that I like to dog-ear the page when I find a particularly good sentence or passage. ~ Carl Hiaasen

My escape is to just get in a boat and disappear on the water. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Florida needs a special prison for tourists. Not all tourists - just the ones who trash the place, rob, shoplift, vandalize, drive drunk, assault the cops, puke in the alleys, pee in the medians, and so on. ~ Carl Hiaasen

When you put on the suits, when you pretend you're honest and you're robbing at a far higher level, these guys deserve to ... well, to be in my novels, and I have special fates reserved for them. ~ Carl Hiaasen

I don't care if you pack it in fucking kryptonite, that lottery ticket ain't going up your ass. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Love isn't about thinking. You should know that by now. ~ Carl Hiaasen

The Florida in my novels is not as seedy as the real Florida. It's hard to stay ahead of the curve. Every time I write a scene that I think is the sickest thing I have ever dreamed up, it is surpassed by something that happens in real life. ~ Carl Hiaasen

And the Chamber of Commerce was handing out cyanide capsules. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Sometimes you're going to be faced with situations where the line isn't clear between what's right and what's wrong.Your heart will tell you to do one thing and your brain will tell you to do something different. In the end, all that's left is to look at both sides and go with your best judgment. ~ Carl Hiaasen

The central part of the state is more remote and less scenic, and there's a huge agricultural belt that stretches from the south of Lake Okeechobee to the border of Everglades National Park, where the restoration effort is being concentrated, .. Obviously the movement to save the Everglades runs up against agricultural concerns. ~ Carl Hiaasen

They have a crystalline sense of right and wrong; it disappears when they walk out the door with their M.B.A. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Coroners made Al Garcia jumpy; they always got so cheery when somebody came up with a fresh way to die. ~ Carl Hiaasen

If anything is more irresistible than Jesus, it's Mickey. ~ Carl Hiaasen

You can do the best research and be making the strongest intellectual argument, but if readers don't get past the third paragraph you've wasted your energy and valuable ink. ~ Carl Hiaasen

As a lobbyist he had long ago concluded there was no difference in how Democrats and Republicans conducted the business of government. The game stayed the same: It was always about favors and friends, and who controlled the dough. Party labels were merely a way to keep track of the teams; issues were mostly smoke and vaudeville. Nobody believed in anything except hanging on to power, whatever it took ... ~ Carl Hiaasen

The gutted ruins of the Amazing Kingdom were razed, and the land was replanted with native trees, including buttonwoods, pigeon plums, torchwoods, brittle palms, tamarinds, gumbo-limbos and mangroves. This restoration was accomplished in spite of rigid opposition from the Monroe County Commission, which had hoped to use the property as a public dump. ~ Carl Hiaasen

The classroom fell quiet, a long heavy silence that roared in Roy's ears like a train. ~ Carl Hiaasen

If Carl Hiaasen and Donald Westlake had a literary love child, he would be Timothy Hallinan. ~ Julia Spencer-Fleming

To me, the newspaper business was a way to learn about life and how things worked in the real world and how people spoke. You learn all the skills - you learn to listen, you learn to take notes - everything you use later as a novelist was valuable training in the newspaper world. But I always wanted to write novels. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Kids feel so strongly about what's going on today and what's happening to the world, and that's very inspiring. I feel more hopeful than ever before about the future. ~ Carl Hiaasen

From the bow of the canoe she asked, "Do you know a rain dance?"
"First I need a virgin. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Shreave flicked away the dead mosquito. "Don't these things carry the bird flu too?"
"No Boyd, that would be a bird. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Good satire comes from anger. It comes from a sense of injustice, that there are wrongs in the world that need to be fixed. And what better place to get that well of venom and outrage boiling than a newsroom, because you're on the front lines. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Sunset on the water ought to be a quiet and easy time, but I guess some people can't stand a little silence. ~ Carl Hiaasen

All novels are about crime. You'd be hard pressed to find any novel that does not have an element of crime. I don't see myself as a crime novelist, but there are crimes in my books. That's the nature of storytelling, if you want to reflect the real world. ~ Carl Hiaasen

The message, never stated but avuncularly implied, is that America's values ought to reflect those of the Walt Disney Company and not the other way around. ~ Carl Hiaasen

If God was my co-pilot, Yancy once groused to Burton, I'd have the fucking pedal to the metal soon as I left the garage. ~ Carl Hiaasen

GRASS, LIKE NEARLY EVERYTHING else in China, is subject to political interpretation. Historically, the Chinese have taken a dim view of grass. In Peking's parks, the dirt is swept daily, since cleanliness is prized, but gardeners relentlessly uproot any tuft of grass. Grass breeds disease, generations of Chinese have been taught. Additionally, Communist doctrine teaches that grass is decadent, since it is usually associated with leisured classes and generates exploitation - one man hiring another to cut it. ~ Carl Hiaasen

You won't change the whole world, but you'll change somebody's world - and for the better. And, just as inevitably, some of you won't. You'll park your principles in the long-term lot and spend your future taking advantage of people. (pg. 39) ~ Carl Hiaasen

Malley told the shrink that she'd run away because Justin ~ Carl Hiaasen

The one thing a lifetime in the newspaper business teaches you is pace - you spend all your time trying to make sure that the reader's going to finish what you're writing. ~ Carl Hiaasen

I'd always wanted to write books ever since I was a kid. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Humor can be an incredible, lacerating and effective weapon. ~ Carl Hiaasen

My father's a large man, very strong, but he says fighting is for people who can't win with their brains. He also says there are times when you've got no choice but to defend yourself from common morons. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Hey. Sometimes to conclusions. ~ Carl Hiaasen

I think in the old days, the nexus of weirdness ran through Southern California, and to a degree New York City. I think it's changed so that every bizarre story in the country now has a Florida connection. I don't know why, except it must be some inversion of magnetic poles or something. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Every writer scrounges for inspiration in different places, and there's no shame in raiding the headlines. It's necessary, in fact, when attempting contemporary satire. Sharp-edged humor relies on topical reference points. ~ Carl Hiaasen

That's what people do when they find a special place that wild and full of life, they trample it to death. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Disney world is an armpit,compared to Montana!! ~ Carl Hiaasen

When you're given a newspaper column, you're not being paid to sit on a fence and scratch your chin and say 'On the one hand this' and 'On the other hand that.' You're getting paid for your opinion. ~ Carl Hiaasen

People say sometimes, gosh, that was brave of you to write such-and-such last week. 'Brave?' What do they mean 'brave?' It's right! How could you not write it? ~ Carl Hiaasen

Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Please don't grow up to be one of those men who lie for the sport of it, and most men do. That's a fact. That's why the world is so messed up, Noah. That's why history books are full of so much heartache, and tragedy. Politicians, dictators, kings, phoney-baloney preachers-most of 'em are men, and most of 'em lie like rugs ~ Carl Hiaasen

The one word that no politician will ever speak, is 'enough.' Enough. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Here's all I know about happiness: It's slippery. It's unpredictable. It's a different sensation for everyone.

But one thing happiness is not is overrated. When you luck into some, enjoy every minute. ~ Carl Hiaasen

I won't be making any friends in the corporate suites. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Though Madeleine's face reminded Dr. Graveline in many ways of a camel, he was fond of her. She was the kind of steady patient that offshore trust funds are made of. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Lots of people can write a good first page but to sustain it, that's my litmus test. If I flip to the middle of the book and there's a piece of dialogue that's just outstanding, or a description, then I'll flip back to the first page and start it. ~ Carl Hiaasen

The other day, one of the big shots was trying to say 'Nice shoes!' and he accidentally told a government minister that his face looked like a butt wart. Not good. ~ Carl Hiaasen

and in the meantime don't jump to conclusions. ~ Carl Hiaasen

My driving record is not exemplary, but I have never had a speeding ticket over 100 m.p.h. I can say that unequivocally. ~ Carl Hiaasen

He considered telling her about his years as a big-time smuggler, but he doubted it would improve his odds of getting laid. Once upon a time, sure, absolutely - but hers was a generation that grew up on homegrown or Humboldt and thought Panama Red was a merlot. Gaspers suspected the young bartender would have been more impressed to meet a guy who worked for Apple, or maybe a professional skateboarder. ~ Carl Hiaasen

We get along fine. In return for food and shelter, they give me unconditional indifference. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Mrs. Bonneville never buckled her seat belt, even though it was required by state law; an ardent libertarian, she opposed government meddling in all matters of personal choice. ~ Carl Hiaasen

to a perfectly terrible day. ~ Carl Hiaasen

A quick puke, two rails of blow and she was solid. ~ Carl Hiaasen

She said there was no tactful way for a naked person to cope with a runny nose, especially while dancing. Orly grudgingly agreed. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Cell phone the night he died. She'd obtained this key information ~ Carl Hiaasen

stick together like shit on a shoe. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Whatever happens, I'm glad we ate that bleeping lizard. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Mickey Cray was surprised to learn that Derek Badger didn't want any of his captive critters on location. Mickey had never wrangled for a nature show that used only wild animals, nor had he ever encountered a person less qualified than Derek to handle untamed specimens. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Losing his hair. Ms. Chase and me, ~ Carl Hiaasen

It occurred to Yancy that, in the time they'd known each other, he hadn't once seen her look at her cell phone. She never texted, tweeted, Facebooked, Instagrammed, or posted a single picture when they were together. He found this behavior alluring. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Actually it was the mark of the stupid, which is what you get for sitting under a tree during a thunderstorm. ~ Carl Hiaasen

sucking on a football. ~ Carl Hiaasen

My books are character-driven. They're not driven by the story. ~ Carl Hiaasen

No deliberative body is manifestly less qualified to make decisions about public education than our state Legislature. With a few shining exceptions, most of these clowns don't read, can't write, and clearly can't add. ~ Carl Hiaasen

We've always been fascinated with movie stars and singers, but the fascination with people who really have nothing to offer is something new. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Right now there's a pair of bad cops on their way out here to shoot me."
"You don't know that."
"Yeah, you're right," Stranahan said. "They're probably just collecting Toys for Tots. Now go. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Don't order the fish," Yancy advised Merry when they sat down. "But it's a seafood joint." "More like a petri dish with menus. When they say 'catch of the day,' they mean infection." Brennan ~ Carl Hiaasen

I'm waiting for the day when Rush Limbaugh's pharmacist writes a book. ~ Carl Hiaasen

I think it's always good for the author to stay a good cattle prod's distance from the actual moviemaking. ~ Carl Hiaasen

He paused and manufactured a chuckle. ~ Carl Hiaasen

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Dastardly devious, cleverly conceived, and just a whole lot of fun to read, DEATH PERCEPTION is Lee Allen Howard on fire and at his finest. Rife with winsome weirdness, it's like the mutant stepchild of Carl Hiaasen and Stephen King, mixing a truly unique paranormal coming-of-age story with a quirky cast of offbeat noir characters into a novel that's simply unforgettable ... and hilariously original. A supernatural crime story, blazing with creative intrigue ... don't miss it. ~ Michael Arnzen

I'd love to see a good script of one of my books, in these years of animations and comic book sequels, and had so many written over the years, but none quite clicked. ~ Carl Hiaasen

When I'm deciding to read a book, I never open to the first chapter, because that's been revised and worked over 88 times. I'll just turn to the middle of the book, to the middle of a chapter, and just read a random page and I'll know right away whether this is the real deal or not. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Everybody's idea of a great book is different, of course. For me it's one that makes my jaw drop on every page, the writing is so original. ~ Carl Hiaasen

You can make a day of any size. ~ Mario Iezzoni

That's the thing about being a Labrador retriever - you were born for fun. Seldom was your loopy, freewheeling mind cluttered by contemplation, and never at all by somber worry; every day was a romp. What else could there possibly be to life? Eating was a thrill. Pissing was a treat. Shitting was a joy. And licking your own balls? Bliss. And everywhere you went were gullible humans who patted and hugged and fussed over you. ~ Carl Hiaasen

I never laugh or smile when I am writing. When I come home for lunch after writing all morning, my wife says I look like I just came home from a funeral. This is not bragging. This is an illness. ~ Carl Hiaasen

But Erin let it slide. The child was only four years old; she had a whole lifetime to learn about sadness. Today was for Dalmatians, ice cream and new dolls. ~ Carl Hiaasen

The dog proved to be as dumb and stubborn as a mud fence, so Stranahan had named him Strom. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Love this description of minor character, Lou Zicutto: Lou was branch claims manager of the mammoth insurance company where Decker worked part-time as an investigator. Lou was a spindly little twit, maybe a hundred twenty pounds, but he had a huge florid head, which he shaved every day. As a result he looked very much like a Tootsie Pop with lips. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Roy remembered the time he and his father had a talk about fighting. 'It's important to stand up for what's right,' Mr. Eberhardt had said, 'but sometimes there's a fine line between courage and stupidity. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Nobody from the Amazing Kingdom bothered to check with previous employers, such as the New York City Police Department, to inquire about allegations of bribery, moral turpitude, substance abuse, witness tampering and the unnecessary use of deadly force, to wit, the pistol-whipping of a young man suspected of shoplifting a bag of cheese-flavored Doritos. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Bode Gazzer was five feet six and had never forgiven his parents for it. He wore three-inch snakeskin shitkickers and walked with a swagger that suggested not brawn so much as hemorrhoidal tribulation. ~ Carl Hiaasen

So for a while, they sat peacefully in the swamp, listening to Mrs. Starch hum while the little panther slurped happily and the emerald leaves overhead shimmered and shook in the sunlight. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Miami ... the floating-human-body-parts capital of America. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Obviously you have to make a profit to put out a newspaper. I'm not an idiot. But when the margins are in excess of 25 per cent you're talking about greed. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Unfortunately for novelists, real life is getting way too funny and far-fetched. ~ Carl Hiaasen

The man's a born straggler, Honey thought, another lucky exception to the rules of natural selection. A million years ago he would've been an easy snack for a saber-toothed tiger. ~ Carl Hiaasen

You from the IRS? The man's voice was deep and wet, like mud slipping down a drain. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Boyd Shreave tore the page from Eugenie Fonda's memoir and, with a contemptuous flourish, wiped his ass with it. ~ Carl Hiaasen

The greatest sin for a writer is to be boring. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Steve Forman strafes the south Florida scene with Boca Knights, an outrageously funny mystery novel with a raft of offbeat characters and prose that moves trippingly off the pen. His main man, Eddie Perlmutter, ex-Boston cop attempting semi-retirement in Boca Raton like a fish trying to retire out of the water, is a character for the ages. Carl Hiaasen, watch your back. ~ Douglas Preston

For now, there's nothing to do but strap on an attitude and act like I'm having a ball. ~ Carl Hiaasen

Only because you're injured," she said, and kissed him again. He pulled her close. "How's this going to work with all these stitches? Do I have to keep standing?" "Well," whispered Rosa, "I suppose you could kneel." Yancy lifted her sundress. "You're the doctor. ~ Carl Hiaasen

I want to die in my sleep like my friend...
Not yelling like the passengers in his car. ~ Carl Hiaasen