Wilson Mizner Quotes

I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed.

All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.

The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.

I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'

He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.

I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.

Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.

I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.

I had never considered marriage, but I had an open mind, and I was to learn after a brief try at it that most open minds should be closed for repairs.

Be nice to people on your way up because you will meet them on your way down.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.

Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.

Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.

It is not in life, but in art that self-fulfillment is to be found.

If you copy from one author, it's plagiarism, but if you copy from many, it's research.

Women can instantly see through each other, and it's surprising how little they observe that's pleasant.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

Easy street is a blind alley.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

The only bird that gives the poor a real tumble is the stork.

Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.

If you count all your assets you always show a profit.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

There's nothing so comfortable as a small bankroll. A big one is always in danger.

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.

A good party is where you enjoy good people, and they taste even better with Champagne.

The most pitiful human ailment is a birdseed heart.