Michael R. Burch Quotes

Donald Trump really is a fan of the Bible, except that it's far too long for him to read. So he just released a new, improved version, the Gospel According to Trump. It reads: "I, Donald Trump, am God. Praise, worship, and adore Me as I do Myself. Then all shall be Great, as I am Great. The End."

If every witty thing that's said was true, Oscar Wilde, the world would worship You!

Trump appeals to right-wingnuts because when the going gets tough, they wig out.

Love is either wholly folly, or fully holy.

C'm'on lefties! Admit that Trump has been very tough on China. He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his clothing lines.

I lived as best I could, and then I died. Be careful where you step: the grave is wide.

Even Donald Trump's hairpiece is fed up with his insults and says it now supports Bernie Sanders. When Trump found out, he sobbed

How can the Bible be "infallible" when from Genesis to Revelation slavery is commanded and condoned, but never condemned?

These are clearly the end times, and now we understand why the prophets warned us about the Trump of Doom.

President Obama contends that charges he is "not really an American" have been trumped up by you-know-who.

Donald Trump just announced that if Republicans don't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.

I'll not!
The gents are impressed
with the way that I'm dressed.
I wouldn't change even one spot.

Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?

Trump's last name is an omen that he'll win the Republican nomination, since "trump" means "triumph." One might suggest that this will constitute the triumph of insanity over reason, except that none of the other Republican candidates make any sense either. Trump just makes them seem less crazy by comparison.

Trump appeals to the disaffected by loudly trumpet-ing what they want to hear: other people are always the problem, and the solution is to either put them in their proper place or get rid of them.

Many presidents have believed in God, but Donald Trump evidently believes that he is God.

Donald Trump isn't really running for president, come on! This is obviously a new reality show, Celebrity Presidential Apprentice. It ends with the incompetent celebrity being berated, humiliated, then unceremoniously fired.

Trump claims he'd be the "best jobs president that God ever created." But isn't his claim to fame firing people?

It's not that every leaf must finally fall, it's just that we can never catch them all.

There's no better tonic for other people's bad ideas, than to think for oneself.

If God is good half the Bible is libel.

What do we get when the Donald exposes his enormous ass? A trump roast.

Every political card played by Jeb Bush has been Trumped; every political note played by The Donald has been Trumpeted.

It's simply not true that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!

When I was being bullied, I had to learn not to judge myself by the opinions of intolerant morons. Then I felt much better.

The truth can finally be told: Donald Trump's autism was caused by a vaccination that went terribly wrong; this explains why he can't relate to other people.

Hell hath no fury like a frustrated fundamentalist whose God condemned him to "hell" for having "impure thoughts."

The slogan of the American Civil Rights Movement was "We shall overcome!" Donald Trump's new campaign slogan is "We shall overcomb!"

What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card.