Jane Wagner Quotes

I worry that our lives are like soap operas. We can go for months and not tune in to them, then six months later we look in and the same stuff is still going on.

What you try to bury just ends up burying you.

To think we have the garment industry instead of nature to thank for the zipper concept when it would have come in so handy for childbirth.

What is reality anyway! It's nothing but a collective hunch.

People don't need sex so much as they need to be listened to.

When I first came into this world, Elvis was already fat.

I am sick of being the victim of trends I reflect but don't even understand.

If evolution was worth its salt, by now it should've evolved something better than survival of the fittest. I think a better idea would be survival of the wittiest.

Just think: your family are the people most likely to give you the flu.

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either.

It's one thing to tolerate a boring marriage; a boring affair does not make sense.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Infinity: Time on an ego trip.

The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you.

I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.

See, the human mind is kind of like...a pinata. When it breaks open, there's a lot of surprises inside. Once you get the pinata perspective, you see that losing your mind can be a peak experience.

I feel like my life is just passing me by like two ships in the night. And I have missed both boats.

It's not that I lack ambition. I am ambitious in the sense that I want to be more than I am now. But if I were truly ambitious, I think I'd already be more than I am now.

Ahhhhhhhh. There is nothing natural about natural childbirth. It is as close to a freak accident as anything I can think of. Why I picked a time like this to go off drugs.

I may not be great at geometry but I know one theorum. The longest distance between two points is you and your parents.

Sex is such a personal thing - why do we insist on sharing it with another person?

My mom says I have to be more positive, and I say life has to be more positive too or it's just not going to work.

Frankly, goin' crazy was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't say it's for everybody; some people couldn't cope.

My space chums think reality was once a primitive method of crowd control that got out of hand. In my view, it's absurdity dressed up in a three-piece business suit.

You don't know what it's like! Hyperactive twins! When they turned three, my doctor prescribed Ritalin
I wouldn't dream of giving a drug to my children, but it does help when I take it myself.

To me the term "sexual feedom" meant freedom from having sex

I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle, I found it too confining. It was just too needful; it expected me to be there for it all the time, and with all I have to do
I had to let something go.

I worry that drugs have forced us to be more creative than we really are.

I worry that humanity has been "advanced" to its present level of incompetency because evolution works on the Peter Principle.

Childhood comes at a time in your life when you are too young to understand what you are going through. And you're too young to understand that you are too young to understand.

Reality is just a collective hunch.

I even worry about reflective flea collars. Oh, sure, drivers can see them glow in the dark, but so can the fleas.

The truth can be made up if you know how.