Carlos Mencia Quotes

Race makes things funny. A black guy driving in NASCAR: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Tide: not funny. A black guy driving a car sponsored by Aunt Jemima: hilarious.

I grew up in the projects and I know how important it is for kids to have hope.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

We dropped two bombs on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, and the name of the plane that delivered the weapons was the Enola Gay. Do you know why? Because we wanted them to know that they were about to get boned in the ass.

Racism is exclusion, that's why I make fun of everybody.

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

If you ask me right now, you've seen the last of Mind of Mencia. I don't want to be a one-trick pony. I would rather walk away and do more movies, comedy and even some dramatic roles.

If God made Adam and Eve, they had children ... wait a minute ... that means someone banged their sister!

Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?

That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!

Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.

God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.

I don't have the time to steal other people's material even if I wanted to. The reason why these rumors got started is that I don't really contest them because I don't believe they deserve contesting. I really don't.

Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes.

I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!

And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.

If you aren't laughing, you aren't living!

When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.

The problem with the world is there's too many stupid people and nobody to eat them.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!

Know your religion, know who you are and don't be ashamed.

If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn't get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.

In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.

I am a product ... I'm a comedian. I'm not curing cancer. In the end, I tell jokes. I make people laugh. I make sense out of ridiculous situations, but in the end, it's all about laughter. It's all about your cheek hurting, your stomach hurting.

It is never okay to use the toilet with the door open ... I never want to know what comes out of there because sometimes I eat at that restaurant.

If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.

In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.

If your gonna drop out of school - tough grades are not your goal - then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!

When I go onstage, I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. It's one of those questions where any and everything is possible. I literally could be talking about somebody I was hanging out with two seconds ago or something from the news. Literally, there's really no rhyme or reason for it. I want to be free flowing like that.