Ben Elton Quotes

[H]e was damned if he was going to water down his arguments simply to satisfy the preference of the mob for dogma and ignorance.

People who get through life dependent on other people's possessions are always the first to lecture you on how little possessions count.

Time is not linear. It does not go along on a steady course like a road from London to York. It does not have a beginning and it does not have an end, nor is it the same to one person as it is to another, nor to two planets or a million stars. It is different in all circumstances. Because it is relative. (pg 333)

The reactionary point of view was always so easy to put, the complex, radical argument always so easy to put down.

Sympathy for victims is always counter-balanced by an equal and opposite feeling of resentment towards them.

And roast beef and Yorkshire pudding is my personal signature dish.

Screw humanity. I don't give the whole stinking bunch of us more than a couple of generations and good riddance. The universe is better off without us.

I loved writing 'Two Brothers' more than anything else I have written. It's the first book I've written that I've always known I wanted to write. Having said that, it also kept me awake at nights.

No collection of people who are all waiting for the same thing are capable of holding a natural conversation. Even if the thing they are waiting for is only a taxi.

She spoke loudly in order to be heard above the noise of personal communitainers that were thudding and banging all around them. Some people used earphones, some didn't, clearly believing that as many people as possible should be given the opportunity to appreciate their musical taste. That, combined with the mass leakage from the headsets, created a terrible din and even discreet private conversations had to be conducted at a yell.

I see dull people as projects ... to be reformed

People in that crowd want to make poverty history, but NOT if they have to pay for it themselves

With privilege comes responsibility, you must understand that. People expect us to lead by example and we shall not disappoint them.

My advice to anyone adapting a novel is that once they've read it and learnt to understand it, then they must throw it away and never look at it again!

Leaders should never, ever try to look cool - that's for dictators

To positively discriminate in favour of groups that have been negatively discriminated against in the past.

What the matter wit' your momma? She only know one name?' Stone

Yes, OK, farty is a silly word. I wish I'd never used it. I'm 34. Perhaps it was a word for my 20s.

So far no one has claimed responsibility.

My parents were secular. I am an atheist.

I don't consider myself Jewish. I am half-Jewish by race but not through my mother.

I exercise hard and the reason I do is so that I can earn the things I like to consume.

I did not vote Labour because they've heard of Oasis and nobody is going to vote Tory because William Hague has got a baseball cap.

Artists don't create society, they reflect it

The worst thing about being a great power is when you're not one any more. It takes centuries to get over it.

People had got used to the planet dying.
They didn't care anymore, it had been lingering on for too long. The Earth was like some aged and slightly disgusting relative that just got sicker and sicker and yet refused to die. Requiring more and more attention, growing bigger tumours, bursting nastier sores and soiling its sheets ever more often. An embarrassment and an inconvenience, a constant reminder of family guilt.

We've just lost our way, that's all. But what if you could give us a chance to do better? Just one chance? One single move in the great game of history? What's your best shot? What would you consider to be the greatest mistake in world history and, more to the point, what single thing would you do to prevent it?

I'm lucky because the strongest emotion I have ever felt is being in love, and that definitely informs my writing.

Comedy will always be central to what I do, it's just an instinct for me, but I am a writer and always have been.

We've all got to look at ourselves, start with yourself, that's all you can do. I believe that we can act responsibly as a group, it's just that there are vested interests telling us not to bother.

A time when the miracles of technology were still virile and exciting: steam engines and flying machines, not smart phones and cosmetic surgery. When there were still wildernesses left to explore and mountains left unclimbed

I'm easy to work with, not a pushover, but I respond to criticism and find it inspiring.

There are lots of things I could have done for the money, but I've made a great living doing the things I want to do.

I think it is very difficult to legislate for morality.

The appropriation of radical thinking by lazy, self-obsessed hippies is a public relations disaster that could cost the earth.

Any closer would unravel her mystery, the very thing which made her so truly beautiful ... It was her mystery that he adored. He was in love with everything that he did not know about her ... No real sexual encounter could ever match the secret one that he could nurture in his imagination ... No living flesh could ever be the erotic equal of flesh kept private, untouchable and unknowable

What a world, eh? Sometimes I wish I could just live somewhere on Radio 4.

You think I look like a teletubby?

You didn't wake up, your dreams just changed gear.