Toilet Tissue Quotes

A gal who wants to powder her nose should have enough toilet tissue in hand. ~ Anyaele Sam Chiyson

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows. ~ Erma Bombeck

Usually I spare myself from the news, because if it's not propaganda, then it's one threat or another exaggerated to the point of absurdity, or it's the tragedy of storm-quake-tsunami, of bigotry and oppression misnamed justice, of hatred passed off as righteousness and honor called dishonorable, all jammed in around advertisements in which a gecko sells insurance, a bear sells toilet tissue, a dog sells cars, a gorilla sells investment advisers, a tiger sells cereal, and an elephant sells a drug that will improve your lung capacity, as if no human being in America any longer believes any other human being, but trusts only the recommendations of animals. ~ Dean Koontz

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw. ~ Erma Bombeck

Don't you have something better to do right now, like chase after that polar bear dude or find that toilet paper your kind are so fond of?" She loved how his lips turned into a grin. "Only the softest for my sweet cheeks. ~ Eve Langlais

Earth is such a sweet 'n sour place, thought Gonzo, puffing on his seaweed roll-up, and he knew that if aliens did exist, then they'd probably only stop to avail of this planet's toilet facilities on the intergalactic highway. ~ Jonathan Dunne

This is one of the weird things about motherhood. You can predict that some of your best moments will happen around the toilet at six am while you're holding a pile of fingernail clipping like a Santeria priestess. ~ Tina Fey

Welcome to the real world of marriage, where hairs are always on the sink and little white spots cover the mirror, where arguments center on which way the toilet paper comes off and whether the lid should be up or down. It is a world where shoes do not walk to the closet and drawers do not close themselves, where coats do not like hangers and socks go AWOL during laundry. In this world, a look can hurt and a word can crush. Intimate lovers can become enemies, and marriage a battlefield. ~ Gary Chapman

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel. ~ Mark Twain

I surprised myself, that I was in the tissue of the character enough, that I could actually come up with something that I didn't actually feel or didn't believe. ~ Quentin Tarantino

The most powerful warlock I've ever seen?" Alec snarled. "She cut through your wards like tissue paper. And my man would eat you for breakfast. ~ Cassandra Clare

Madame Blavatsky affirmed long ago that "your best, your most powerful mediums, have all suffered in health and body and mind." Other authorities have stated that mediumship, while sometimes culminating in insanity, leads frequently to the atrophy of brain tissue, the degeneracy of mental powers and increasing egotism and emotionalism. Such testimony tallies, indirectly, with the contaminating presence of hungry ghosts. If mediumship is indeed synonymous with negativity and disintegration, only dissolute astral beings would participate in such a process. ~ Joe Fisher

I've learned that a ten-minute shower and the gift of going to the toilet without a ticking clock restores much more in new parents than personal hygiene. ~ Cecelia Ahern

During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey. ~ Dave Barry

We both disliked rude rickshwalas, shepu bhaji in any form, group photographs at weddings, lizards, tea that has gone cold, the habit of taking newspaper to the toilet, kissing a boy who'd just smoked a cigarette et cetra.
Another list. The things we loved: strong coffee, Matisse, Rumi, summer rain, bathing together, Tom Hanks, rice pancakes, Cafe Sunrise, black-and-white photographs, the first quiet moments after you wake up in the morning. ~ Sachin Kundalkar

Has someone hurt you? Should I call the constabulary?"
"No, no." I flashed her an embarrassed smile. "Just lost my way to the toilet, that's all!"
"It's in the lobby." She narrowed her eyes at me. "Is that blood on your dress? Are you sure you're all right?"
"Perfect." I nodded like a maniac. "Thanks! ~ Shelby Mahurin

When someone follows you all the way to the shop and watches you buy toilet roll, you know your life has changed. ~ Jennifer Aniston

I looked up and she said, "You have to believe I did everything a reasonable person would do. Maybe I didn't reach my hands into toilet water, but I did everything else I could. ~ Charlie Close

Got an issue, get a tissue. ~ Jeff Rich

Spending one's last moments prostrated before the toilet is the supreme act of repentance. It allows one to relieve a heavy inner burden. ~ Bauvard

Yes, the issue was courage. It always had been, even as a kid. Things scared him. He couldn't help it. Noise scared him, dark scared him. Tunnels scared him: the time he almost won the Silver Star for valor. But the real issue was courage. It had nothing to do with the Silver Star...Oh, he would've liked winning it, true, but that wasn't the issue. He would've liked showing the medal to his father, the heavy feel of it, looking his father in the eye to show he had been brave, but even that wasn't the real issue. The real issue was the power of will to defeat fear. A matter of figuring a way to do it. Somehow working his way into that secret chamber of the human heart, where, in tangles, lay the circuitry for all that was possible, the full range of what a man might be. He believed, like Doc Peret, that somewhere inside each man is a biological center for the exercise of courage, a piece of tissue that might be touched and sparked and made to respond, a chemical maybe, or a lone chromosome that when made to fire would produce a blaze of valor that even the biles could not extinguish. A filament, a fuse, that if ignited would release the full energy of what might be. There was a Silver Star twinkling somewhere inside him. ~ Tim O'Brien

Not a fire of passion, not a ravaging fire, but something paralyzing, like the fire of cluster bombs that suck up the oxygen around them and leave you panting, because you've been kicked in the gut and a vacuum has ripped every living lung tissue and dried your mouth, and you hope nobody speaks, because you can't talk, and you pray no one asks you to move, because your heart is clogged and beats so fast it would sooner spit out shards of glass than let anything else flow through its narrowed chambers. ~ Andre Aciman

I think people should have fun with fashion, should enjoy wearing beautiful clothes
but also not save everything for the best. Fashion is there to be enjoyed, to be indulged
to wow in. Don't save it for Sunday best only. Get it out of the tissue paper and be sensational every day. ~ John Galliano

That done, a second list began to sketch itself from memory. Food, water, containers, blankets...

I set three piles aside, starting with the blankets, then took what pillowcases I could find. They always made useful bags for carrying things when backpacks weren't available. One small pot for boiling, one small pan for cooking or additional self-defense. Knives, always good. One fork and a spoon for each of us. More than that, and they'd clatter inside our bags, keeping us from moving silently. No batteries. One flashlight that seemed to be working for now, even if the beam wasn't strong. The real coup would have been canned food or toilet paper, but those were truly one-in-a-million finds.

"Did you forget to tell us that you're taking us camping?" I'm all four roughing it as long as that entails air-conditioning and a nice view."

...

"Sorry," I muttered, forcing myself onto my feet. "Old habits. ~ Alexandra Bracken

To prevent the formation of fibrous scar tissue in the hamstrings, it is essential to reeducate the muscles as soon as possible. A week after a tear, you must perform gentle stretches for the back of the thighs. The goal is to stretch the injured muscles and especially to soften the scar so that it doesn't tear when you resume training. ~ Frederic Delavier

[...] I wondered why I was acting so calm. I wondered why I didn't writhe against being inside my own body. If I could rip off my skin, I'd leave it in a bloody, shapeless heap on the floor beside the toilet, like so much dirty laundry. I'd beat my head against the wall until there was nothing left of my face, if it would get me outside of myself. ~ Goldberry Long

Eating, bathing, going to the toilet, talking, thinking, and many other activities related to the body are all work. How is it that the performance of one particular act is alone (considered) work? To be still is to be always engaged in work. To be silent is to be always talking. ~ Ramana Maharshi

You know, sometimes marriage is iron. Sometimes it's tissue paper. And I
think the times it's tissue paper are when you need to keep things to yourself. Or you can end up making a mistake that you'll regret forever. ~ Elizabeth Berg

The use of fetuses as organ and tissue donors is a ticking time bomb of bioethics. ~ Arthur Caplan

Not to go to the theater is like making one's toilet without a mirror. ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

You can almost judge how screwed up somebody is by the kind of toilet paper they use. Go in any rich house and it's some weird coloured embossed stuff. ~ Captain Beefheart

From the stage I've seen people of all ages absolutely roaring at really good toilet humour. ~ Adrian Edmondson

Yo momma's breath smells so bad I don't know if I should give her a Tic Tac or a piece of toilet paper. Yo ~ THE CLOWN FACTORY

That's all history is, after all: scar tissue. 3 ~ Stephen King

Everyone had taken their places, when I excused myself to visit the bathroom, and there, in the toilet, was the absolute biggest turd I have ever seen in my life - no toilet paper or anything, just this long and coiled specimen, as thick as a burrito. ~ David Sedaris