The Bursar Quotes

In fact he was incurably insane and hallucinated more or less continuously, but by a remarkable stroke of lateral thinking his fellow wizards had reasoned that, in that case, the whole business could be sorted out if only they could find a formula that caused him to hallucinate that he was completely sane.*
*This is a very common hallucination, shared by most people. ~ Terry Pratchett

He removed his hat, something a wizard doesn't ordinarily do unless he's about to pull something out of it, and handed it to the Bursar. Then he tore a thin strip off the bottom of his robe, held it dramatically in both hands, and tied it around his forehead.
"It's part of the ethos," he said, in answer to their penetratingly unspoken question. "That's what the warriors on the Counterweight Continent do before they go into battle. And you have to shout --" He tried to remember some far-off reading. "-er, bonsai. Yes. Bonsai!"
"I thought that meant chopping bits off trees to make them small," said the Senior Wrangler.
The Dean hesitated. He wasn't too sure himself, if it came to it.
But a good wizard never let uncertainty stand in his way.
"No, it's definitely got to be bonsai," he said. He considered it some more then brightened up. "On account of it all being part of bushido. Like...small trees. Bush-i-do. Yeah. Makes sense, when you think about it."
"But you can't shout 'bonsai' here." said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. "We've got a totally different cultural background. It'd be useless. No one will know what you mean.
"I'll work on it, " said the Dean.* ~ Terry Pratchett

Interesting thing, these fellows never seem to get the idea of perspective-'
The Bursar thought, or received the thought: that's because perspective is a lie. If I know a pond is round then why should I draw it oval? I will draw it round because round is true. Why should my brush lie to you just because my eye lies to me? ~ Terry Pratchett

Willow bark," said the Bursar. "That's a good idea," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. "It's an analgesic." "Really? Well, possibly, though it's probably better to give it to him by mouth, ~ Terry Pratchett

I'm sure the Bursar would not agree with those figures," said the Senior Wrangler sourly.
"That is so,' said Ponder, "but I'm afraid that is because he regards the decimal point as a nuisance. ~ Terry Pratchett

Yeah!" said the Dean, now in a grip of a wild, unwizardly machismo. "We're mean! Yeah! Are we mean?"
The Archchancellor raised his eyebrows, and then turned to the rest of the wizards.
"Are we mean?" he said.
"Er.. I'm feeling reasonably mean," said the Lecturer of Recent Runes.
"I'm definitely very mean, I think," said the Bursar. "It's having no boots that does it," he added.
"I'll be mean if everyone else is," said the Senior Wrangler.
The Archchancellor turned back to the Dean.
"Yes," he said, "it appears that we are all mean."
"Yo!" said the Dean.
"Yo what?" said Ridcully.
"It's not a yo what, it's just a yo," said the Senior Wrangler, behind him. "It's a general street greeting and affirmative with convivial military ingroup and masculine bonding-ritual overtones."
"What? What, like 'jolly good'?" said Ridcully.
"I suppose so..." said the Senior Wrangler, reluctantly. ~ Terry Pratchett

Bursar?"
"Yes, Archchancellor?"
"You ain't a member of some secret society or somethin', are you?"
"Me? No, Archchancellor."
"Then it'd be a damn good idea to take your underpants off your head. ~ Terry Pratchett