Handjob Quotes

It looks like two alpacas fucking, mostly," he said apologetically. "Of course, sometimes, the boy can't get his boy parts past the girl's furry ass, and he needs a little help, so then it looks like two alpacas fucking while their handler's giving the one on top a handjob. ~ Amy Lane

I'm unemployed, so I'm seeking a handjob. ~ Jarod Kintz

If I shake your hand, and then jack off, it's as if you gave me an indirect handjob. ~ Jarod Kintz

Life is like a dry handjob. Just when it starts getting good, it's already over. ~ Jayme K.

Dipping his hand between the denim he'd parted, Logan thought he would feel cotton, but as his fingers brushed over wiry hair, he groaned out loud. "Commando? You came to see me fucking commando? ~ Ella Frank

Are you there, God? It's me, Layla. I know I just jerked off some guy who is not even my boyfriend in the bathroom of this crappy, brown house. But if you could find a way to kill me quickly and painlessly within the next ten seconds, I promise to never touch another penis again. Well, I'll be dead, so, I guess I promise not to whore it up in heaven. Which, of course is where you'll be sending me, right? I mean I'd hate to think you'd deny me an eternity behind your pearly gates just because of one impetuous handjob. Thank you. Sincerely, Layla Warren. Amen. ~ T. Torrest

Getting a rise out of him was like trying to give a handjob to a parking meter: you were going to end up frustrated and exhausted long before a cop came along to haul you away. ~ Christopher Moore

Man, that's a killer strategy, that is, an awesome way to persuade the incognoscenti that we're not crazed hokum junkies, high on hackwork, trying to pimp our addled euphoria to anyone who passes. Yeah, vehement denial that we've got anything to do with the crack-whore pump-daddy beast of a thousand cocks locked in the closet. Bitter accusations of snootcocking snipewankery when they point out that crack-whore pimp-daddy beast of a thousand cocks in the closet. Offended outrage when they assume the mindfuck we're touting is a cheap handjob, just because we're, like, standing on a street corner dressed to sell our arses. And because our first words to a prospective customer just happens to be, 'Hey, big boy. ~ Hal Duncan

I once got a handjob from a glove. I miss the 80s. ~ Jarod Kintz

It was as unsatisfying as a handjob from someone wearing an oven mitt. ~ Paul Di Filippo

Step 6: Stop enjoying things ironically. Just enjoy them
Know what? I love Britney Spears and Forever 21. And I could pretend like it's this whole meta thing where I'm not actually enjoying it but rather just making this esoteric statement on lowbrow culture, but (insert handjob motion here).
The truth is that I love trashy dance pop and the garments that are its clothing equivalent. You don't need to make your tastes a self-conscious statement about who you are. Just unapologetically like the things you like. ~ Kelly Williams Brown