Eve Dallas Humor Quotes

Eve, did you marry me for my money?"
"You bet your ass. And you'd better hold on to it, or I'm history"
"It's very sweet of you to say so. ~ J.D. Robb

You're a dead man, Roarke. You don't know it, but you've already stopped breathing. The walking dead. And when you finally realize you're dead, and drop to the ground and you're laying there, I'm going to step over your cold, lifeless body, open the doors of that department store you call a closet, and I torch it.
Eve Dallas ~ J.D. Robb

I slept in myself, didn't get up until about nine."
"Has anyone looked outside, checked to see if the world is still spinning on its axis?"
"At which time," he continued dryly, "I had a workout - I had soufflé, too. Then, before I came down here to enjoy one of my gifts, I worked about an hour in my office. ~ J.D. Robb

Okay. Look, why don't you take care of the half a million things you've been letting dangle in Roarke's Empire of Everything?"
"Catchy title. I may use it one day. ~ J.D. Robb

The security officer smiled and said, 'Good afternoon, ma'am,' to me before I
gave him ID."
"It's a sick world, Eve." He resisted taking her hand for another squeeze. "A sick,
sad world. ~ J.D. Robb

He's not your type."
Peabody's face clouded exactly as it had when Eve had rejected the perfume. "How come - I like looking at his type."
"Sure, but try to have a conversation with him." Eve dipped her hands in her pockets and rocked back on her heels. "Guy's in love with himself and figures every woman who gets a load of him has to go moony eyed - just like you're doing. He'd bore you to death in ten minutes because all he'd talk about is himself - how he looks, what he does, what he likes. You'd just be his latest accessory."
Peabody considered, watching as the gold-tipped Adonis posed at the check-in counter. "Okay, so we won't bother to talk. We'll just have sex."
"He'd be a lousy lay - wouldn't give a damn if you got off or not."
"I'm getting off just looking at him." But she sighed when he took out a small silver-backed mirror and examined his face with obvious delight. "It's times like this I hate it when you're right. ~ J.D. Robb

What time is it in New York?"
He shook his head. "An hour later than it is here. The earth simply has to revolve, Eve, however annoying it is for you."
"It can revolve all it wants. I just don't see why people can't settle on the same time. ~ J.D. Robb

She would be a sparkling accent on his arm. She speaks flawless French and Italian, and has a limitless supply of charm when she wishes to dispense it. And'd she'll use him. She'll take, take more. If it was necessary, or if she simply had the whim, she'd toss him to the wolves to see who'd win."
He finished the whiskey. "You, Lieutenant, are often crude, you are certainly rude, and have very little sense of how to be the wife
in public
of a man in Roarke's position. And you would do anything, no matter what the personal risk, to keep him from harm. She will never love him. You will never do anything but. ~ J.D. Robb

What a woman you are," he murmured, and she heard the emotion in it, the
way the Irish thickened just a bit in his voice. And saw it in those vivid eyes when he drew back. "That you would think of this. That you would do this."
He shook his head, kissed her. Like the breath, long and quiet.
"I can't thank you enough. There isn't enough thanks. I can't say what this means to me, even to you. I don't have the words for it." He took her hands,
brought them both to his lips. "A ghra. You stagger me."
He framed her face now, touched his lips to her brow. "You're the beat of my heart, the breath in my body, the light in my soul. ~ J.D. Robb

I want a homing beacon on your vehicle."
"There will be."
"No, I want one on before we leave the grounds in the morning. I'll see to it."
Give and take, she reminded herself. Even when
maybe especially when
give and take was a pain in the ass. "Okay. But there go my plans to slip off and meet Pablo the pool boy for an hour of hot, sticky sex."
"We all have to make sacrifices. Myself, I've had to reschedule my liaison with Vivien the French maid three times in the last couple of days."
"Blows," Eve said as they slipped into bed.
"She certainly does. ~ J.D. Robb

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy. ~ Patrick Major Dallas OR

When [Satan] undertook to draw Eve away from God, he did not hit her with a stick, but with an idea. It was with an idea that God could not be trusted and that she must act on her own to secure her own well-being. ~ Dallas Willard

I expected to have some tags from reporters, but I'm clear there so far."
"I've had all inquiries from media rerouted to my office."
She narrowed her eyes "You can do that?"
"I can."
"Why don't you always do that? ~ J.D. Robb

Is there any exceptionally beautiful woman you haven't slept with?"
"I'll make you a list. So, you knocked her down. ~ J.D. Robb

Jack Woodson is currently living and working in Dallas, TX. He has forty children, and all of them have different mothers. ~ John Pearson

You have heard the expression 'love is blind'"
"I think it's bullshit. Lust dazzles, sure, at least for the short term. But love clears the vision. You see better, sharper, because you feel more that you did before ~ J.D. Robb

You are who you are. I know you. You believe that?
"Yea but
"
"You're Eve Dallas. You're the love of my life. My heart and Soul. You're a cop, mind and bone. You're a woman of strength and resilience. Stubborn, hardheaded, occassionally mean as a badger, and more generous that you'll admit. ~ J.D. Robb

I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont. ~ Dave Barry

There's an oatmeal cookie in there. I see no reason for the existence of oatmeal, particularly in cookies. ~ J.D. Robb

Bite me. -Lieutenant Eve Dallas, from any of the In Death books. ~ J.D. Robb

Far be in from me to dictate how you should assuage your guilt. Do you have a lot of it?"
She bit his good shoulder. "You're about to find out."
She toppled them both off the bench and onto the mat. "Well, ouch. I take it guilt doesn't bring out your gentler side. ~ J.D. Robb

Do you remember the first time we made love?" He touched his lips to hers as he said it. "We rode up in the elevator like this and couldn't keep our hands off each other, couldn't get to each other quick enough. I was mad for you. I wanted you more than I wanted to keep breathing. I still do." He deepened the kiss as the elevator doors opened. "It's never going to change. ~ J.D. Robb

I'm also discovering that while they seem to believe that I do not require sleep, my husband (who also doubles as their father) has the ability to morph into an invisible and supremely evasive nocturnal being, with powers so stealthy as to evade capture by the aliens [children] that had invaded our once peaceful and quiet habitat [bedroom at night]. ~ Dallas Louis

Task complete. Shut it down."
Unable to comply, the computer responded.
"I finished."
Inaccurate statement. Previous command stipulated all listed reports and evaluations must be complete before system rest. This command by Dallas, Lieutenant Eve, priority basis, can only be countermanded at her order by fire, terrorist attack, alien invasion or an open and active case requiring her attention ...
Jesus, had she really programmed that? "I changed my mind."
Previous command specifies changes of mind, fatigue, boredom, and other lame excuses not acceptable for countermand ...
"Bite me," Eve muttered. ~ J.D. Robb

Marriage is mostly a sucker bet"
"Spoken by the woman with Dream Husband"
"You just said Dream Husband might take a turn down the road and decide he wants to do a threesome or _"
"Me! Me!" Peabody shot up a hand. "Pick me!"
Eve & Peabody ~ J.D. Robb

Dallas, Lieutenant Eve, and aide, Peabody, ~ J.D. Robb

You're a fascinating woman, Eve. Here we are, wet, naked, both of us half dead from a very memorable night, and still you watch me with very cool, very suspicious eyes."
"You're a suspicious character, Roarke. ~ J.D. Robb

Vending Machine: "This product has no known nutritional value and may cause irritability or wakefulness in some individuals. Please enjoy your selection and your day."
Eve: "Up yours. ~ J.D. Robb

Clearing her throat, Peabody turned the cube on record. I owe Dallas, Lieutenant Meaniepants Eve, twenty dollars to be paid out of my hard-earned, under-appreciated detective's salary next payday. Peabody, Detective Churchmouse Delia. ~ J.D. Robb

PEABODY ATE COBBLER and watched as Eve and the computer added the hair from image one onto the head of image two.
"You know, you can do it all with one command if you - "
"I know I can do it all with one command," Eve said irritably. "It doesn't make the same damn point that way. Who's running this game?"
"You know, getting shot at with a short-range missile makes you really testy."
"Keep it up, and the next short-range missile's going straight up your ass."
"Dallas, you know how I love that sweet talk. ~ J.D. Robb

Every minute with you, Darling Eve, is a minute to treasure."
She slid a glance toward him as she uncoded the seal. "You really do want sex."
"I'm still breathing, so that would be yes. ~ J.D. Robb

By the way, Dallas?"
"What, Peabody?"
"That's a lovely tattoo. New?"
Eve clamped her teeth together, strode toward the door with as much dignity as she could manage. "See?" She jabbed a finger into Roarke's chest as they walked down the corridor. "I told you I'd be humiliated by that stupid rosebud."
"You've been drugged, slapped, tied up naked, and nearly killed, but a rose on your butt humiliates you?"
"All that other stuff's the job. The rosebud's personal."
Laughing, he swung his arm around her shoulders, hugging her close. "Christ, Lieutenant, I love you. ~ J.D. Robb

She'd gotten through the entire evening without killing anyone. Lieutenant Eve Dallas, cop to the bone, figured the restraint showed enormous strength of character. ~ J.D. Robb

I got you a present."
"Did you?"
"It's a book of poetry
romancy stuff. I thought, 'How schmaltzy is that,' so it seemed like the thing. Then I screwed up and left it in my desk at work ~ J.D. Robb

Eve: "You already own half the universe"
Roarke: "Why settle for half when you can have all? ~ J.D. Robb

I'd rather be screwed up with you than smooth with anybody else. ~ J.D. Robb

Denial - usually in some form of rationalization - is the primary device that humans use to deal with their own wrongness. It was the first thing out of the mouths of Adam and Eve after they sinned, and it continues up to the latest edition of the newspaper. The prophetic witness from God must throw itself against the massive weight of group and individual denial, often institutionalized and subtly built into our customary ways of speaking and interacting. ~ Dallas Willard

So he found her. Most people would have said she was relaxed. But then, Roarke thought, most people didn't really know and certainly didn't understand Eve Dallas. He was more intimate with her, closer to her mind and heart than he had ever been with another. Yet there were still pockets of her he had yet to plumb. She was, always, a fascinating learning experience. She was naked, dipped to her chin in steamy water and perfumed bubbles. Her face was flushed from the heat, her eyes closed, but she wasn't relaxed. He could see the tension in the hand that was fisted on the wide ledge of the tub, in the faint frown between her eyes. No, Eve was thinking, he mused. ~ J.D. Robb

I wasn't going to have dessert, but it was right there, all gooey and sweet. It's like sex. I mean, when it's right there, what are you supposed to do? I wasn't going to have that either
sex
with my parents bunking in the office, but, well, it was right there."
"I'll tolerate the gooey and sweet, Peabody, but I'm not thinking about you having sex with McNab, especially in the same sentence as 'my parents.'"
"I think they had sex, too."
Eve struggled not to wince or twitch. "Do you want me to kick you down four flights of steps and make you walk up again?"
"I'd probably bounce all the way down, too, with all this gooey and sweet in my butt. So I guess not."
"Good choice. ~ J.D. Robb

Do you think the penis ever gets tired?
Whose?
Anybody's. I mean anybody with one. Does the penis ever just think: for God's sake pal, give it a rest? Or is it all: Woo-who!! Here we go again! ~ J.D. Robb

I want to see you again." He stopped, took her face in his hands. "I need to see you again."
Her pulse jumped, as if it had nothing to do with the rest of her. "Roarke, what's going on here?"
"Lieutenant." He leaned forward, touched his lips to hers. "indications are we're having a romance. ~ J.D. Robb

Have I missed a national holiday? There must be celebrations in the streets for you to be home at this hour of the day."
"I'm calling it Summerset Goes Mute Day. The city's gone mad with joy. ~ J.D. Robb

Driven, damaged and dangerous, FBI agent Mercy Gunderson is one of the best female leads to come down the pike since Eve Dallas. Lori Armstrong delivers the goods with MERCILESS. ~ Cindy Gerard

He blinked, then roared with laughter. "Eve Dallas, Vampire Slayer. One for the books."
~Eternity in Death ~ J.D. Robb

You know, I'm really trying to cut down on this stuff. But..." Peabody ripped into the pack of cookies. "Thing is, weird, McNab doesn't think I'm chubby. And when a guy sees you naked, he knows where the extra layers are."

"Peabody, do you have some delusion that I want to hear how McNab sees you naked?"

She crunched into a cookie. "I'm just saying. Anyway, you know we have sex, so you've probably reached the conclusion we're naked when we're having it. You being an ace detective and all."

"Peabody, in the chain of command, you may, on rare occasions and due to my astonishing good nature, respond to sarcasm with sarcasm. You are not permitted to lead with it. Give me a damn cookie."

"They're coconut crunchies. You hate coconut."

"Then why did you buy coconut?"

"To piss you off." Grinning now, Peabody pulled another pack of cookies from her bag. "Then I bought chocolate chip, just for you."

"Well, hand them over then."

"Okay, so ..." Peabody ripped open the second pack, offered Eve a cookie. "Anyway, McNab's got a little, bitty butt, and hardly any shoulders. Still -- "

"Stop. Stop right there. If I get an image of a naked McNab in my head, you're going back to traffic detail."

Peabody munched, hummed, waited.

"Damn it! There he is."

Hooting with laughter, Peabody polished off the last cookie. "Sorry. Dallas, I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. Kinda c ~ J.D. Robb

You're Eve Dallas. You're the love of my life. My heart and soul. You're a cop, mind and bone. You're a woman of strength and resilience. Stubborn, hardheaded, occasionally mean as a badger, and more generous than you'll admit. ~ J.D. Robb

As she read over Eve's shoulder, Mavis let out a low whistle. "Not the Roarke! The incredibly wealthy, fabulous to look at, sexily mysterious Roarke who owns approximately twenty-eight percent of the world, and its satellites?"
All Eve felt was irritation. "He's the only one I know."
"You know him." Mavis rolled her green shadowed eyes. "Dallas, I've underestimated you unforgivably. Tell me everything. How, when, why? Did you sleep with him? Tell me you slept with him, then give me every tiny detail."
"We've had a secret, passionate affair for the last three years, during which time I bore him a son who's being raised on the far side of the moon by Buddhist monks. ~ J.D. Robb

But Eve had already scented it, already - despite herself - begun to smile. "It's coffee," she murmured, unaware of the way her voice softened as she reached for the simple brown bag Mavis held. "Coffee." Illusions shattered, Mavis stared. "The man's got more money than God, and he sends you a bag of coffee?"
"Real coffee."
"Oh, well then." In disgust, Mavis waved a hand. "I don't care what the damn stuff costs a pound, Dallas. A woman wants glitter."
Eve brought the bag to her face and sniffed deep. "Not this woman. The son of a bitch knew just how to get to me." She sighed. "In more ways than one. ~ J.D. Robb

What about your crepe?"
"Stuff It."
"She's crazy about you," Mavis commented.
"It's almost embarrassing, the way she fawns. ~ J.D. Robb

Wow, colorful. I think the kid's head plowed into me. He came at me like a mortar. Pow! Skull meets tits. Tits lose. ~ J.D. Robb

I want a riot laser," Eve snapped at Peabody. "Full body armor." She yanked a six-inch combat knife from its leather sheath and watched with glee, as its wicked serrated edge caught the sunlight through her little window.
Peabody's eyes popped. "Sir?"
"I'm going down to maintenance, and I'm going locked and loaded. I'm taking those piss-brain sons of bitches out, one by one. Then I'm going to haul what's left of the bodies into my vehicle and set it on fire."
"Jesus, Dallas, I thought we had a red flag."
"I've got a red flag. I've got one." Her eyes wheeled to Peabody. "I've got under fifty miles on my ride since those lying, cheating, sniveling shitheads said it was road ready. Road ready? Do you want me to tell you about road ready?"
"I would like that very much, Lieutenant. If you'd sheathe that knife first. ~ J.D. Robb