Sue Townsend Quotes

Eva said, Are you sure that it's my husband, Dr Brian Beaver, she's carrying on with? Only he's not the type.
"He's a man, isn't he?" Said Nicola.

Measured my 'thing'. It was eleven centimetres.

I don't know why women are so mad about flowers. Personally, they leave me cold. I prefer trees.

The DSS offices are not given enough funding, their staff are poorly paid and are driven to distraction by the amount of work they have to do. There is frequent turnover of staff. Morale is extremely low. Working with desperate people all day is very dispiriting; their unhappiness rubs off on you.

What's the most important quality a person could have, something that would benefit us all?

Will you lie to me and promise to read them? Books need to be read. The pages need to be turned.

'The Gambler' by Dostoevsky. It was the first time I realised that it was possible to have good and evil in one person. It led me to read a lot of Russian literature.

I have a slight addiction to Diet Coke, and, of course, I absolutely shouldn't touch it because it makes the kidneys work really hard.

I think Jane Austen should write something a bit more modern.

I'm spectacularly disorganised. I wrote my latest book in seven different notebooks scattered throughout my house.

Yes, I hate it when people call me a 'national treasure'. It takes away your bite and makes you feel like a harmless old golden Labrador.

I used to be the sort of boy who had sand kicked in his face, now I'm the sort of boy who watches somebody else have it kicked in their face

I couldn't think of anything to say so I kept quiet. I still can't think of anything to say so I am going to sleep.

I have decided to keep a full journal, in the hope that my life will perhaps seem more interesting when it is written down.

Nothing was true for long. In time, everything was deconstructed.

food cooked without love was bad food.

I don't know why people get so hot and bothered about sex. It's only the insertion of a penis into a nearby vagina.

Mrs O'Leary said, 'Tis the child I feel sorry for', and all the people looked up and saw me, so I looked especially sad, I expect the experience will give me a trauma at some stage in the future. I'm all right at the moment, but you never know.

Since I learned to read I've used them as a kind of anaesthetic.

Barry Kent's father looks like a big ape and has got more hair on the back of his hands than my father has got on his entire head.

My dark secrets are life threatening. Pockets of unhappiness set in aspic that build and build. I have this primitive feeling that if something good happens, it is going to be followed by something bad. There is always a price to pay.

Adrian Mole's diary
Easter
Poor Jesus, it must have been dead awful for him. I wouldn't have the guts to do it myself.

Pauline: "All under-fives are mad Adrian, you used to talk to the moon. You invited it to your birthday party and cried when it didn't turn up."
George: "When it went dark and the moon came up, you ran outside and threw a sausage roll at it!

I am from the working class. I am now what I was then. No amount of balsamic vinegar and Prada handbags could make me forget what it was like to be poor.

It's no surprise to me that intellectuals commit suicide, go mad or die from drink. We feel things more than other people. We know the world is rotten and that chins are ruined by spots.

I married two weeks after my 18th birthday, far too young, and by the time I was 23 I was a single mother of three small children, Sean, Daniel and Victoria, living in a prefab house.

To unlock the heavy outer door and to walk into the hushed interior, with the morning light spilling from the high windows on to the waiting books, gave her such pleasure that she would have worked for nothing.

I am the world's worst diabetic.

Mrs. Ball has got a daughter who is a writer. I asked her how her daughter qualified to be one. Mrs. Ball said that her daughter was dropped on her head as a child and has been "a bit queer" ever since.

Love is the only thing that keeps me sane ...

Just measured my thing. It has grown one centimetre. I might be needing it soon.

It's amazing what you can get used to, given time.

She liked people. Me, I can take them or leave them, but mostly leave them.

Watching 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' is my guilty pleasure.

He had always had difficulty in recognising an emotion.

Every time I start a new piece of work, I spend a long while under the duvet thinking I can't do it.

Brian kept the photograph inside an Old Bible. He knew it would be safe there. Nobody ever opened it.

I am a very independent person, and I, you know, I maintain that independence, but, you know, certain things - I mean, it takes, you know, it's just much easier for other people if other people can help you every now and again.

8.45 a.m. My mother is in the hospital grounds smoking a cigarette. She is looking old and haggard. All the debauchery is catching up with her.

I always write back to people who are kind enough to write to me. Actually, I don't write - I recline on my red velvet sofa with my feet on the coffee table and dictate the letters to my eldest son.

In my opinion it is essential to get lost in a new city, that way you are forced to walk about and discover places at a proper, natural pace. But you must have the taxi fare home, and it helps if you can remember the name of your hotel.

Had a note from Mr Cherry asking me when I can resume my paper round. I sent a note back to say that due to my mother's desertion I am still in a mental state. This is true. I wore odd socks yesterday without knowing it. One was red and one was green. I must pull myself together. I could end up in a lunatic asylum.

I've always loved books. I'm passionate about them. I think books are sexy. They are smooth and solid and contain delightful surprises. They smell good. They fit into a handbag and can be carried around and opened at will. They don't change. They are what they are and nothing else. One day I want to own a lot of books and have them nbear to me in my house, so that I can stroll to my bookshelves and choose what I fancy. I want a harem. I shall keep my favourites by my bed.

My second husband encouraged me to go to a writing group at our local theatre. It was my 'coming out of the closet' moment.

I usually listen to the same thing over and over again: Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto in D Major. And Leonard Cohen.

Rosie Germaine Mole.

Remember that conversation is like ping pong. You say something, she says something. Then you respond to something she's just said, then she bats it back. You ask her a question. She replies. Do you get the idea?

We had library books in our house, but not our own. So you had 14 days to read them. There would be eight books a fortnight in our house and I'd read as many of those as I could.

My skin is dead good. I think it must be a combination of being in love and Lucozade.

In the playground, I always made people laugh; I used to charge them three pence for an impression of a teacher. It kept me in toffees.

Adrian Mole's father was so angry that so many pepole got divorced nowadays. HE had been unhappilly married for 30 years, why should everybody else get away?

said he 'would rather go without'.

we all need to be loved, and we all need to love.

I take life very seriously. I can laugh at it, because what else can you do? But it's a hard daily battle.

She had always been comforted by confectionery

Alexander assured her, 'Eva, none of us know our children. Because they are not us.

Most social problems could be helped or prevented if people had more money and practical advice.

I have decided to be a poet. My father said there isn't a suitable career structure for poets and no pensions and other boring things, but I am quite decided.

Being poor with three small children is terrifying. You can't make any plans. You know you're not going on holiday, ever. There's no way you could ever afford driving lessons or a car. And the guilt I used to feel: they had holes in their shoes, and at one point, I had to send them to school wearing Wellingtons when the sun was shining.

I used to think I had nice arms, but I don't even think that anymore.

When all my kids were at home, I used to write from midnight onwards.

In the early days, it was, you know, I used to weep while I was writing. I used to grab at any kind of anything, any hint, any tip of how to make it easy.

Personally, nothing would surprise me any more. If my father announced that he was really a Russian agent or my mother ran away with a circus knife thrower, I wouldn't raise an eyebrow.

You should only speak when you have something worth saying.

I am surrounded by counselors. My sister is a counselor. My daughter is training to be a counselor. A lot of my friends are counselors.

My mother is now in the hospital 60 miles away, where they are treating her pneumonia. I refuse to feel guilty. Guilt is a destructive emotion and doesn't fit in with my Life Plan.

My grandma let the dog out of the coal shed. She said my mother was cruel to lock it up. The dog was sick on the kitchen floor. My grandma locked it up again.

As a journey begins with one step, so a crowd begins to collect with one person.

I prefer to keep my secrets to myself, to the grave ... and beyond!