Marcus Brigstocke Quotes

If you go on stage with an agenda, you have to accept not everyone's going to agree with it.

Guilt is feeling bad about what you have done; shame is feeling bad about who you are - all it is, is muddling up things you have done with who you are.

The basic function of a comic is stand-up because it's so straightforward and simple. If the audience don't laugh, you didn't do your job. I've had some audiences where I didn't care if they laughed or not because they were either too drunk or stupid.

Catholicism has the clerical equivalent to a nut allergy - even a small exposure to change, and the whole thing will go into anaphylactic shock.

Jim Henson was an absolute genius.

I rarely fly, for environmental reasons more than anything else.

I became hugely overweight and then hated myself because it was a form of self-abuse, something over which I had no control. I think the thing compulsive over-eaters want to achieve is that stuffed-full Christmas afternoon feeling.

I find it hard to get enthusiastic about hotels because, as a touring comic, I spend a lot of time in them.

I realised that to compare your insides with other people's outsides leads to unhappiness.

And much as I enjoy writing and creating stuff, I don't enjoy it so much that I am willing to give up any time that could otherwise be spent performing.

All my shows are therapy, trying to navigate interesting subjects so I can work them out and to be honest and say some things are beyond the wit of this man.

Christians, you and your churches don't get to be millionaires while other people have nothing at all. They're your bloody rules! Either stick to them or abandon the faith.

Offence is important; that's how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you're not offended. So dull.

I'm best known as a stand-up comedian, but I'm a good actor in the right role.

I went to China for a brief working visit, and I thought that Shanghai was interesting, but Beijing totally grabbed me.

I don't mind not being cool; I wear a cardigan.

I have an addictive personality. Boarding school merely sent me more quickly on the downward spiral that dominated my childhood.

Eventually, somewhere - be it on the Internet or somewhere else - I will host some version of 'The Daily Show.'

I think Ross Noble is the only person that I've seen really storm a stand-up slot at a festival, and that was when he led 3,000 people on a conga out of the tent and across the entire site to a vegetarian food truck.

I find myself by default an atheist but fairly unhappily so. It would be bloody marvelous if there was a god.

You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.

I spend my jollity on stage, so there is less in my own life.

If you want something Scottish, go get yourself a kilt.

There are a lot of comics at the top end making staggering amounts of money and selling out stadiums. I think stand-up is a more intimate thing than that. Maybe because of the kind of comedy I do. It's like a discussion, but I'm the one with the microphone.

I'd like to start this week with a request, and this one goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: the Muslims, Christians, and Jews. It's just a little thing, really, but do you think that when you've finished smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privileges while you do it, do you think that maybe the rest of us could sort of have our planet back? I wouldn't ask, but I'm starting to think that there must be something written in the special books that each of you so enjoy referring to that it's ok to behave like special, petulant, pugnacious, pricks.

Forgive the alliteration, but your persistent, power-mad punch-ups are pissing me off. It's mainly the extremists obviously, but not exclusively. It's a lot of 'main-streamers' as well. Let me give you an example of what I'm talking about.

Muslims: listen up my bearded and veily friends! Calm down, ok? Stop blowing stuff up. Not everything that said about you is an attack on the prophet Mohammed and Allah that needs to end in the infidel being destroyed. Have a cup of tea, put on a Cat Stevens record, sit down and chill out. I mean seriously, what's wrong with a strongly-worded letter to The Times?

Christians: you and your churches don't get to be millionaires while other people have nothing at all. They're your bloody rules; either stick to them or abandon the faith. And stop persecuting and killing people you judge to be immoral. Oh, and st

I'd lie in bed in my dormitory and grab at bits of my body, wanting to tear them off ... I was so large by then that, in the heat, my thighs chafed together and bled. I was very unhappy, and yet no one ever asked me how I felt.

This goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: To the Jews, Christians, and Muslims. It's just a little thing, really. But do you think that when you're done smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privileges while you're at it ... do you think the rest of us could have our planet back?

We humans who art on Earth
Humanity is special
Our kingdom has come
Do what we innately know to be right
On earth, because that's all there is
Share the bread we have
Try not to screw up
When others screw up, understand
We can't have everything that tempts us
Deliver ourselves from evil
Because this is it, the Earth,
The power to do right and the glory to come if we do is ours
Now and forever,
Hu-man.

Britain is obsessed with political correctness.

Jews, I know you're God's chosen people and the rest of us are just 'whatever', but when Israel behaves like a violent, psychopathic bully and someone mentions it, that doesn't make them anti-Semitic.

I have learnt that I am incapable of packing the right amount of clothing, probably because I start 10 minutes before I'm supposed to leave, and that I truly hate airports.

My purist comedy friends accuse me of being a Jack of all trades and master of none.