Alan Partridge Quotes

A friend of mine once said he like his women like his parmesan: strong smelling and shaved. I don't agree with that, but I don't like hairy women.

Sadly, I can't say the same for my Father, who is probably in a different place - Hell.

1974 was a crazy, hazy time for Alan Partridge. The Sixties had come to East Anglia and it was a time of free thinking, free love and in my case free university accommodation.

He is also a keen cook, gardener and birder. He has no middle fingers on one hand, so he can't swear but is permanently doing the heavy metal sign.

The father, Trevor, was an asthmatic, but what he lacked in being able to breath quietly, he more than made up for with parental skills.

Meanwhile, for those of you on crowded public transport who chose not to say the words aloud, you'll feel no different, and that's your own fault because, as I say, you lack class and are assholes.

Like the name of a cartoon Belgian detective said in a Scottish accent, it's 10:10.'11 It

Putting a damp spoon back in the bowl is the tea-drinking equivalent of sharing a needle. And I did not want to end up with the tea-drinking equivalent of AIDS.

My heart is, in the wise words of Billy Ray Cyrus, achy breaky.

Surveillance isn't easy, though. You'll need warm clothes, a camera with telephoto lens, two Thermos flasks (one for tea, t'other for wee) and for God's sake remember your sandwiches.

Like a good-looking John Merrick, mine was a face that looked really shit.

Hello, Alan." said Carol's dad Keith.
"Hello, Alan." said Carol's mum, Stella, not bothering to think of a greeting of her own.

Snowflakes fell from the sky like tiny pieces of a snowman who had stood on a landmine.

Her yelling continues until I answer the door to find her on her knees shouting through the letterbox, like a gynaecologist bellowing into a woman.

my remarkable walked

Well suited to those with large shoulders and feet like spades, swimming enjoyed a boost in popularity in Victorian times when, due to advancements in water husbandry, we were able to domesticate H2O, trapping large amounts of it in four-sided pits or 'pools'. I

Sport, on the other hand, is straightforward. In badminton, if you win a rally, you get one point. In volleyball, if you win a rally, you get one point. In tennis, if you win a rally, you get 15 points for the first or second rallies you've won in that game, or 10 for the third, with an indeterminate amount assigned to the fourth rally other than the knowledge that the game is won, providing one player is two 10-point (or 15-point) segments clear of his opponent. It's clear and simple.

The human brain comprises 70% water, which means it's a similar consistency to tofu. Picture that for a second - a blob of tofu the size and shape of a brain. Now imagine taking that piece of tofu, and forcing your thumbs into it hard. It would burst wouldn't it?
Okay, now imagine those thumbs weren't thumbs but thumb-shaped pieces of bad news. And there weren't two of them, they were about half a dozen. Imagine you were forcing all six pieces of bad news - a divorce, multiple career snubs, accusations from the family of a dead celebrity, estranged kids, borderline homelessness, that kind of thing - into a piece of tofu.
With me? Good. Now imagine it's not tofu, but a human brain. And they're not pieces of bad news but six human thumbs. That's what happened to me. In 2001, my brain had half a dozen thumbs pushed into it.