Jasper Carrott Quotes

The whole debate on what food is best for us is complex, ongoing and often controlled by vested interests.

There's a rumour going 'round that if you amass a certain number of penalty points on your driving licence, the authorities will make you take your test again! Now, if ever there was an incentive to drive carefully, they could not have threatened a more terrifying ordeal.

My driving habits are so ingrained that the driving examiner would fail me in the first mile. That's provided he hadn't died of a heart attack by then.

I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.

I should be more vocal about the things I believe are doing us harm, but many years ago in my early twenties, I learned a bit of a lesson. I started to realise at that time the benefits of eating healthy food and drink.

Happiness to me is simply not being unhappy.

Having signed a few autographs in my time, I always wonder what the heck people do with them.

I have that working class fear of having nothing. I've always got one eye on what's in the bank.

Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

I want to do things I enjoy, and show business comes fifth or sixth down the line.

They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.

I've played with some very famous bandits in my time on the celebrity golf circuit.

I just felt that 'Golden Balls' was the right thing to do. I didn't care if people thought I was a failure.

I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I've discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb.