Jenny Han Quotes

It's all relative, I suppose. You think you know love, you think you know real pain, but you don't. You don't know anything. ~ Jenny Han

Maybe this is why Mommy told Margot not to go to college with a boyfriend. When you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, you only want to be with that person, and you forget about everybody else, and then when the two of you break up, you've lost all your friends. They were off doing fun stuff without you. ~ Jenny Han

He came up and kissed me on my forehead, and before he stepped away, I closed my eyes and tried hard to memorize this moment. I wanted to remember him exactly as he was right then, how his arms looked brown against his white shirt, the way his hair was cut a little too short in the front. Even the bruise, there because of me.

Then he was gone.

Just for that moment, the thought that I might never see him again… it felt worse than death. I wanted to
run after him. Tell him anything, everything. Just don't go. Please just never go. Please just always be near me, so I can at least see you.

Because it felt final. I always believed that we would find our way back to each other every time. That no matter what, we would be connected - by our history, by this house. But this time, this last time, it felt final. Like I would never see him again, or that when I did, it would be different, there would be a mountain between us.

I knew it in my bones. That this time was it. I had finally made my choice, and so had he. He let me go. I was relieved, which I expected. What I didn't expect was to feel so much grief.

Bye bye, Birdie. ~ Jenny Han

I open the box, and there are notes. Notes and notes and notes. Peter's notes. Peter's notes I threw away.
"I found them when I was emptying your trash," she says. Hastily she adds, "I only read a couple. And then I saved them because I could tell they were important."
I touch one that Peter folded into an airplane. "Kitty…you know Peter and I aren't getting back together, right?"
Kitty grabs the bowl of popcorn and says, "Just read them." Then she goes into the living room and turns on the TV.
I close the hatbox and take it with me upstairs. When I am in my room, I sit on the floor and spread them out around me.
A lot of the notes just say things like "Meet you at your locker after school" and Can I borrow your chemistry notes from yesterday?" I find the spiderweb one from Halloween, and it makes me smile. Another one says, "Can you take the bus home today? I want to surprise Kitty and pick her up from school so she can show me and my car off to her friends." "Thanks for coming to the estate sale with me this weekend. You made the day fun. I owe you one." "Don't forget to pack a Korean yogurt for me!" "If you make Josh's dumb white-chocolate cranberry cookies and not my fruitcake ones, it's over." I laugh out loud. And then, the one I read over and over: "You look pretty today. I like you in blue."
I've never gotten a love letter before. But reading these notes like this, one after the other, it feels like I have. It's like…it's like there's onl ~ Jenny Han

We're still here. It's not the future yet. * ~ Jenny Han

People come in and out of your life. For a time they are your world; they are everything. And then one day they're not. There's no telling how long you will have them near. ~ Jenny Han

Remember that summer you liked that girl who worked at the
boardwalk? Angie?"
"No," he said, but I knew he was lying. "What about her?"
"Did you ever hook up with her?"
Conrad finally lifted his head up from the couch. "No," he said.
"I don't believe you."
"I tried, once. But she socked me in the head and said she wasn't that kind of girl.I think she was a Jehovah's Witness or something. ~ Jenny Han

You know the saddest part? Josh and I will never be friends like we were before. Not after all this. That part's just over now. He was my best friend." I ~ Jenny Han

From the moment Leo comes on screen in that navy blue suit, I have chest palpitations. He's like an angel, a beautiful, damaged angel.
"What's he so stressed out about?" Peter asks, reaching down and stealing a handful of Kitty's popcorn. "Isn't he a prince or something?"
"He's not a prince," I say. "He's just rich. And his family is very powerful in this town."
"He's my dream guy," Kitty says in a proprietary tone.
"Well, he's all grown up now," I say, not taking my eyes off the screen. "He's practically Daddy's age." Still…
"Wait, I thought I was your dream guy," Peter says. Not to me, to Kitty. He knows he's not my dream guy. My dream guy is Gilbert Blythe from Anne of Green Gables. Handsome, loyal, smart in school.
"Ew," Kitty says. "You're like my brother."
Peter looks genuinely wounded, so I pat him on the shoulder.
"Don't you think he's a little scrawny?" Peter presses.
I shush him.
He crosses his arms. "I don't get why you guys get to talk during movies and I get shushed. It's pretty bullshit."
"It's our house," Kitty says.
"Your sister shushes me at my house too!"
We ignore him in unison. ~ Jenny Han

I wondered if it was possible to take someone's pain away with a kiss. Because that was what i wanted to do, take all of his sadness and pour it out of him, comfort him, make the boy i knew come back. ~ Jenny Han

Victory is a thousand times sweeter when you're the underdog. ~ Jenny Han

I don't think relationships are just physicality. There are ways to show you care about someone, not just using your lips ... Or any other body part. ~ Jenny Han

Things feel like they'll be forever, but they aren't. Love can go away, or people can, without even meaning to. Nothing is guaranteed. ~ Jenny Han

It wasn't was easy as picking one over the other. Nothing ever was. It wasn't as though I'd even had a choice, not really. ~ Jenny Han

Then she'll drink. Sometimes it's like there's this well of sadness inside her, and she has to drink to fill it up. And then sometimes it's like there's a monster inside of her, and drinking's the only thing that will calm it down. And sometimes she drinks just because. ~ Jenny Han

Families shrink and expand. All you can really do is be glad for it, glad for each other, for as long as you have each other. ~ Jenny Han

In the whole history of my letters, of my liking boys, not once has a boy liked me back at the same time as I liked him. It was always me alone, longing after a boy, and that was fine, that was safe ~ Jenny Han

After Josh leaves and Kitty goes upstairs to watch TV, I'm tidying up the living room and Peter's sprawled out on the couch watching me. I keep thinking he's about to leave, but then he keeps lingering.
Out of nowhere he says, "Remember back at Halloween how you were Cho Chang and Sanderson was Harry Potter? I bet you that wasn't a coincidence. I bet you a million bucks he got Kitty to find out what your costume was and then he ran out and bought a Harry Potter costume. The kid is into you."
I freeze. "No, he isn't. He loves my sister. He always has and he always will."
Peter waves this off. "Just you wait. As soon as you and I are done, he's gonna pull some cheesy-ass move and, like, profess his love for you with a boom box. I'm telling you, I know how guys think."
I yank away the pillow he's got cushioning his bac and put it on the recliner. "My sister will be home for winter break soon. I bet you a million dollars they get back together."
Peter holds his hand out for me to shake on it, and when I take it, he pulls me onto the couch next to him. Our legs touch. He has a mischievous glint in his eye, and I think maybe he's going to kiss me, and I'm scared, but I'm excited, too. But then I hear Kitty's footsteps coming down the stairs, and the moment's over. ~ Jenny Han

Being vulnerable, letting people in, getting hurt... it's all part of being in love. ~ Jenny Han

Peter and I were hanging out and he told me about what you guys were doing today. ~ Jenny Han

Your parents met at twenty; we met at--"
"Twelve," I supply.
Peter frowns, annoyed that I've messed up his argument. "Okay, so we met when were kids, but we didn't get together until we were seventeen--"
"I was sixteen."
"We didn't get together for real until we were both basically seventeen. Which is basically the same thing as eighteen, which is basically the same thing as twenty." He has the self-satisfied look of a lawyer who has just delivered a winning closing statement.
"That's a very long and twisty line of logic," I say. "Have you ever thought about being a lawyer?"
"No, but now I'm thinking maybe? ~ Jenny Han

Honey, I appreciate that so much, I really do, but it's not just transferring that I'm worrying about. I'm worried about his mind-set. When he gets to UVA, he needs to be focused. He's going there to be a student athlete. He can't be driving down to North Carolina every weekend. It just isn't practical. You're both so young. Peter's already making big life decisions based on you, and who even knows what's going to happen with you two in the future. You're teenagers. Life doesn't always work out the way you think it's going to work out. . . . I don't know if Peter ever told you this, but Peter's dad and I got married very young. And I'd - I'd just hate to see you two make the same mistakes we did." She hesitates. "Lara Jean, I know my son, and he's not going to let you go unless you let him go first." I ~ Jenny Han

I do this to feign confidence, because the more I fake it, the more it's supposed to feel true. ~ Jenny Han

People who don't face their problems head-on are the worst kind of cowards. ~ Jenny Han

It's probably because you were each other's firsts. That's why you can't let each other go. I've heard that's how it is with firsts, especially with guys. ~ Jenny Han

I hate when people say that they have something to tell you and they don't just say it. ~ Jenny Han

It's scary when it's real. When it's not just thinking about a person, but, like, having a real live person in front of you, with, like, expectations. And wants. ~ Jenny Han

I say looking on the bright side of life never killed anybody. ~ Jenny Han

That's life. Things don't always work out. ~ Jenny Han

I worried he'd let go, but he didn't. We held hands like this the whole rest of the way home. ~ Jenny Han

Nothing good happens after two a.m. ~ Jenny Han

If you were mine, I would never have broken up with you, not in a million years. ~ Jenny Han

I hate change more than almost anything. ~ Jenny Han

It doesn't matter if you don't burn. Protect your skin so you don't end up looking like an old leather bag." That's what Stormy used to tell me.
Kitty giggles at "old leather bag." "Like Mrs. Letty. Her skin is hot dog-colored."
"Well, I wasn't talking about any one person in particular. But yeah. She should've worn sunscreen in her younger days. Let that be a lesson to you, my sister." Mrs. Letty is our neighbor, and her skin hangs on her like crepe.
Peter puts on his sunglasses. "You guys are mean."
"Says the guy who once toilet-papered her lawn!"
Kitty giggles and steals a sip of my Coke. "You did that?"
"All lies and propaganda," Peter says blithely. ~ Jenny Han

I thought I was over him. When I wrote my letter, when I said my goodbyes, I mean it, I swear I did. It wasn´t even that hard, not really. ~ Jenny Han

I'd nursed a crush on Conrad for whole school years. I could survive for months, years, on a crush. It was like food. It could sustain me. If Conrad was mine, there was no way I'd break up with him over a summer-or a school year, for that matter. ~ Jenny Han

Daddy thinks that Mama is everything a woman should be: beautiful, clever, charming. Beauty has a way of making the bad things tolerable. When Mama tilts her green eyes at you, it's hard to remember why you were mad in the first place. ~ Jenny Han

I love Jere more than anybody. He's my brother, my family. I hate myself for doing this. But when I see you two together, I hate him too." His voice broke.
"Don't marry him. Don't be with him. Be with me. ~ Jenny Han

He made it so hard not to love him. When he was sweet like this, I remembered why I did. Used to love him, I mean. I remembered everything. ~ Jenny Han

Sometimes I like you so much I can't stand it. It fills up inside me, all the way to the brim, and I feel like I could overflow. I like you so much I don't know what to do with it. My heart beats so fast when I know I'm going to see you again. And then, when you look at me the way you do, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. ~ Jenny Han

We all look so young. John with his rosy cheeks, Trevor with his chubby ones, Peter with his skinny legs.
Underneath the picture I wrote, THE BEGINNING. "Aww," he says tenderly. "Baby Lara Jean and Baby Peter. Where'd you find this?"
"In a shoe box."
He flicks John's smiling face. "Punk."
"Peter!"
"Just kidding," he says. ~ Jenny Han

People are gonna disappoint you sometimes. We're flawed creatures. Not one of us is perfect, not even you, and you've gotta let people mess up and then you've gotta forgive them. That's just life. ~ Jenny Han

You'd rather make up a fantasy version of somebody in your head than be with a real person. ~ Jenny Han

Where were you this morning?" Peter demands.
I cross my arms and try to stand tall. It's hard, because I'm so short and he really is tall. "You're one to talk."
Peter huffs, "At least I texted you! I've called you like seventeen times. Why is your phone off?"
"You know we're not allowed to have our phones on at school!"
He huffs, "Lara Jean, I waited in front of your house for twenty minutes."
Yikes. "Well, I'm sorry."
"How'd you get to school? Sanderson?"
"Yes."
Peter exhales. "Listen, if you were pissed I couldn't come over last night, you should've just called and said so instead of the shit you pulled this morning."
In a small voice I say, "Well, what about that shit you pulled last night?"
A smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. "Did you just say 'shit'? It sounds really funny coming out of your mouth. ~ Jenny Han

So much of love is chance. There's something scary and wonderful about that. ~ Jenny Han

I went over and over everything that had ever happened between us. I couldn't keep doing it, going back and fourth, holding her close and then pushing her away. It wasn't right ~ Jenny Han

Smiling, he said, Did you know that astronomers call them interplanetary dust? ~ Jenny Han

I wonder, though ... what would it be like? To be that close to a boy and have him see all of you, no holding back. ~ Jenny Han

There have been other girls. But they weren't her. ~ Jenny Han

I don't want to forget any of this. The way he's looking at me at this very moment. How, when he kisses me, I still get shivers down my back, every time. I want to hold on to everything so tight. ~ Jenny Han

There are two kinds of girls in this world. The kind who breaks hearts and the kind who gets her heart broken. ~ Jenny Han

When I see Peter at the bus the next morning, he's standing around with all this lacrosse friends, and at first I feel shy and nervous, but then he sees me, and his face breaks into a grin. "C'mere, Covey," he says, so I go to him and he throws my tote over his shoulder. In my ear he says, "You're sitting with me, right?"
I nod.
As we make our way onto the bus, somebody wolf whistles. It seems like people are staring at us, and at first I think it's just my imagination, but then I see Genevieve look right at me and whisper to Emily Nussbaum. It sends a chill down my spine.
"Genevieve keeps staring at me," I whisper to Peter.
"It's because you're so adorably quirky," he says, and he rests his hands on my shoulders and gives me a kiss on the cheek, and I forget all about Genevieve. ~ Jenny Han

But then she says, "What if we use our cookie cutter to make heart-shaped pancakes instead? And put in red food coloring?"
I beam at her. "Attagirl!" So maybe she's got a little bit of me in her after all.
Kitty continues. "We could put red food coloring in the syrup, too, to make it look like blood. A bloody heart! ~ Jenny Han

Style" comes on and we all go crazy, screaming in each other's faces and jumping up and down. Peter goes craziest of all. He keeps asking me if I'm having fun. He only asks out loud once, but with his eyes he asks me again and again. They are bright and hopeful, alight with expectation. With my eyes I tell him, Yes yes yes I am having fun.
We're starting to get the hang of slow dancing, too. Maybe we should take a ballroom-dancing class when I get to UVA so we can actually get good at it.
I tell him this, and fondly he says, "You always want to take things to the next level. Next-level chocolate chip cookies."
"I gave up on those."
"Next-level Halloween costumes."
"I like for things to feel special." At this, Peter smiles down at me and I say, "It's just too bad we'll never dance cheek to cheek."
"Maybe we could order you some dancing stilts."
"Oh, you mean high heels?"
He snickers. "I don't think there's such a thing as ten-inch heels."
I ignore him. "And it's too bad your noodle arms aren't strong enough to pick me up."
Peter lets out a roar like an injured lion and swoops me up and swings me around, just like I knew he would. It's a rare thing, to know someone so well, whether they'll pivot left or right. Outside of my family, I think he might be the person I know best of all. ~ Jenny Han

His face darkens. He glares at me and I glare back. "Fine!" he yells. "I'm jealous! Are you happy now!"

And then he jerks is head toward mine and he kisses me. On the lips. ~ Jenny Han

I never knew kissing could be this good ~ Jenny Han

I tell him I'd better get going, because Margot's coming home from Scotland tonight, and I want to stock the fridge with all her favorite foods.
Peter's face falls. "You don't want to hang out a little longer? I can take you to the store."
"I still have to clean up the upstairs, too," I say, standing up.
He tugs on my shirt and tries to pull me back onto the bed. "Come on, five more minutes."
I lie back down next to him and he cuddles in close, but I'm still thinking about the yearbook. I've been working on his scrapbook for months; the least he can do is write me a nice yearbook message.
"This is good practice for college," he murmurs, pulling me toward him, wrapping his arms around me. "The beds are small at UVA. How big are the beds at UNC?"
My back to him, I say, "I don't know. I didn't get to see the dorms."
He tucks his head in the space between my neck and shoulder. "That was a trick question," he says, and I can feel him smile against my neck. "To check and see if you visited a random UNC guy's dorm room with Chris. Congrats, you passed the test."
I can't help but laugh. ~ Jenny Han

If they named him Tate, we could call him Tater Tot," I muse.
Two red blotches appear on Kitty's cheeks, and just like that, she looks as young as I always picture her in my head: a little kid. "I don't want them to have another baby. If they have a baby, I'll be in the middle. I'll be nothing."
"Hey!" I object. "I'm in the middle now!"
"Margot's oldest and smartest, and you're the prettiest." I'm the prettiest?? Kitty thinks I'm the prettiest? I try not to look too happy, because she's still talking. ~ Jenny Han

I wanna see the dance!"
"Forget about it," I tell him. We're in the living room; each of us has our own couch or armchair. I poured us iced teas and put out a bowl of potato chips, which we've already finished.
"Come on," he pouts. "Show me the dance. Please, please show me the dance."
"That's not going to work on me, Peter."
"What's not going to work?"
I wave my hand in his Handsome Boy face. "That. I'm immune to your charms, remember?"
Peter lifts his eyebrows like I've dared him. "Is that a challenge? 'Cause I'm warning you, you do not want to step into the ring with me. I'll crush you, Covey." He doesn't take his eyes off mine for several long seconds, and I can feel my smile fade and my cheeks heat up.
"Come on, Lara Jean!"
I blink. Kitty. I'd forgotten she was still in the room. ~ Jenny Han

All of this love crap makes me want to puke. ~ Jenny Han

What's this new shampoo you're wearing?"
"I stole it from Margot. It's juicy pear. Nice, right?"
"It's all right, I guess. But can you go back to the one you used to wear? The coconut one? I love the smell of that one." A dreamy look crosses his face, like evening fog settling over a city. ~ Jenny Han

I keep trying to block it out, but it keeps on coming back. ~ Jenny Han

It's hard to concentrate when your feelings are hurt. ~ Jenny Han

When someone's been gone a long time, at first you save up all the things you want to tell them. You try to keep track of everything in your head. But it's like trying to hold on to a fistful of sand: all the little bits slip out of your hands, and then you're just clutching air and grit. ~ Jenny Han

I truly don't mind staying in the guest room. I'd hate to make things awkward."
Daddy starts to answer him, but Margot gets there first. "No, it's totally fine," she assures Ravi. "Let's go get the rest of our stuff out of the car."
The second they leave, Kitty and I turn to each other. At the same time we say, "Oh my God."
Kitty ponders, "Why do they need to stay in the same room together? Do they have to have sex that bad?"
"Enough, Kitty," Daddy says, his tone sharper than I've heard him use with her. He turns and leaves, and I hear the sound of his office door closing. His office is where he goes when he is really mad. Ms. Rothschild gives her a stern look and follows after him.
Kitty and I look at each other again. "Yikes," I say.
"He didn't have to snap," Kitty says sullenly. "I'm not the one whose boyfriend is staying in my bed."
"He didn't mean it." I tuck her against me, wrapping my arms around her bony shoulders. "Gogo has a lot of nerve, huh?" She's very impressive, my sister. I just feel sorry for Daddy. This isn't a fight he's used to having--or any kind of fight at all, really.
Of course I text Peter right away and tell all. He sends back a lot of wide-eyed emojis. And: Do you think your dad would let us stay in the same room?? Which I ignore. ~ Jenny Han

I've only ever loved two boys - both of them with the last name Fisher. Conrad was first, and I loved him in a way that you can really only do the first time around. It's the kind of love that doesn't know better and doesn't want to - it's dizzy and foolish and fierce. That kind of love is really a one-time-only thing. ~ Jenny Han

To have it all, you have to risk it all ~ Jenny Han

Let's go out to the parking lot so you can get some air," he says, putting an arm around me and hustling me out the door and through the restaurant.
We step outside, and I sway on my feet a little. Peter's trying not to smile. "You're drunk."
"I guess I'm a weightlight!"
"Lightweight." He pinches my cheeks.
"Right. Weightlight. I mean, lightweight." Why is that so funny? I can't stop laughing. But then I see the way he is looking at me, with such tenderness, and I stop. I don't feel like laughing anymore. I feel like crying. Look at the way he made my dad's bachelor party so special. Look at all the ways he loves me so well. I have to love him back just as much. ~ Jenny Han

I'm walking off the dance floor when I see him. Peter, in a suit, standing to the side, beside the dogwood tree. He looks so handsome I can hardly stand it. I cross the backyard, and he watches me the whole time. My heart is pounding so hard. Is he here for me? Or did he just come because he promised my dad?
When I'm standing in front of him, I say, "You came."
Peter looks away. "Of course I came."
Softly I say, "I wish I could take back the things I said the other night. I don't even remember all of them."
Looking down, he says, "But you meant them, right? So it's a good thing you said them then, because somebody had to and you were right."
"Which part?" I whisper.
"About UNC. About me not transferring there." He lifts his head, his eyes wounded. "But you should have told me my mom talked to you."
I take a shaky breath. "You should have told me you were thinking about transferring! You should've told me how you were feeling, period. You shut down after graduation; you wouldn't let me in. You kept saying everything was going to be fine."
"Because I was fucking scared, okay!" he bursts out. He looks around to see if anyone heard, but the music is loud, and everyone is dancing; no one is looking at us, and it's like we are alone here in this backyard.
"What were you so scared about?" I whisper.
His hands tighten into fists at his sides. When he finally speaks, his voice comes out raw, like he hasn't used it in a while. "I was sc ~ Jenny Han

I didn't have that kind of friendship, the forever kind of friendship that will last your whole life through, no matter what. ~ Jenny Han

Music makes everything more romantic, doesn't it? One second you're walking your dog in the suburbs, and then you put on Adele, and it's like you're in a movie and you've just had your heart brutally broken. ~ Jenny Han

Ithrowmyarmsaroundhimandliftmychinexpectantly,waitingformygood-night kiss.Henuzzleshisfaceagainstmine,andIfeelgladnessforthefactthathehassmooth cheeksandbarelyevenneedstoshave.Iclosemyeyes,breathehimin,waitformykiss. Andheplantsachastepeckonmyforehead."Goodnight,Covey."

Myeyesflyopen."That'sallIget?"

Smuglyhesays,"YousaidearlierthatI'mnotthatgoodatkissing,remember?"

"Iwaskidding!"

Hewinksatmeashehopsinhiscar.Iwatchhimdriveaway.Evenafterawholeyearof beingtogether,itcanstillfeelsonew.Toloveaboy,tohavehimloveyouback.Itfeels miraculous.

Idon'tgoinsiderightaway.Justincasehecomesback.Handsonmyhips,Iwaitafull twentysecondsbeforeIturntowardthefrontsteps,whichiswhenhiscarcomespeeling backdownourstreetandstopsrightinfrontofourhouse.Peterstickshisheadoutthe window."Allrightthen,"hecallsout."Let'spractice."

Irunbacktohiscar,Ipullhimtowardmebyhisshirt,andanglemyfaceagainsthis - andthenIpushhimawayandrunbackward,laughing,myhairwhippingaroundmyface.

"Covey!"heyells.

"That'swhatyouget!"Icallbackgleefully."Seeyouonthebustomorrow! ~ Jenny Han

Her eyes never stop shining. It makes me wish I was little again and everything could be solved with a Christmas Day puppy. I ~ Jenny Han

I didn't want to make the same mistake my parents made. I didn't want my love to fade away one day like an old scar. I wanted it to burn forever. ~ Jenny Han

Love. He said "love." I feel dizzy. I am a girl who is loved, by a boy, and not just her sisters and father and dog. ~ Jenny Han

I'm giddy. Is this a dream? If so, let me never wake up. ~ Jenny Han

Chris gives me a new lipstick: red for when I want to be bad, she says. ~ Jenny Han

Tomorrow I want to get a New York bagel and see how it stacks up against Bodo's." Bodo's Bagels are legendary in Charlottesville; we're very proud of those bagels.
Putting my head on his shoulder, I yawn and say, "I wish we could go to Levain Bakery so I could try their cookie. It's supposed to be like no chocolate chip cookie you've had before. I want to go to Jacques Torres's chocolate shop too. His chocolate chip cookie is the definitive chocolate chip cookie, you know. It's truly legendary…" My eyes drift closed, and Peter pats my hair. I'm starting to fall asleep when I realize he's unraveling the milkmaid braids Kitty pinned on the crown of my head. My eyes fly back open. "Peter!"
"Shh, go back to sleep. I want to practice something."
"You'll never get it back to how she had it."
"Just let me try," he says, collecting bobby pins in the palm of his hand.
When we get to the hotel in New Jersey, despite his best efforts, my braids are lumpy and loose and won't stay pinned. "I'm sending a picture of this to Kitty so she'll see what a bad student you are," I say as I gather up my things.
"No, don't," Peter quickly says, which makes me smile. ~ Jenny Han

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be brave. I want ... life to start happening. I want to fall in love and I want a boy to fall in love with me back. ~ Jenny Han

just because you bury something, that doesn't mean it stops existing. ~ Jenny Han

Just you wait. As soon as you and I are done, he's gonna pull some cheesy-ass move and,like, profess his love for you with a boom box I'm telling you I know how guys think ~ Jenny Han

There are certain outfits you have that make you feel good every time you wear them, and then there are outfits where you wore them too many times in a row because you liked them so much, and now they just feel like garbage. ~ Jenny Han

Stormy, tell me about where you were when John F. Kennedy died."
"It was a Friday. I was baking a pineapple upside-down cake for my bridge club. I put it in the oven and then I saw the news and forgot all about the cake and nearly burned the house down. We had to have the kitchen repainted because of all the soot." She fusses with her hair. "He was a saint, that man. A prince. If I'd met him in my heyday, we really could've had some fun. You know, I flirted with a Kennedy once at an airport. He sidled up to me at the bar and bought me a very dry gin martini. Airports used to be so very much more glamorous. People got dressed up to travel. Young people on airplanes these days, they wear those horrible sheepskin boots and pajama pants and it's an eyesore. I wouldn't go out for the mail dressed like that."
"Which Kennedy?" I ask.
"Hmm? Oh, I don't know. He had the Kennedy chin, anyway."
I bite my lip to keep from smiling. Stormy and her escapades. ~ Jenny Han

She went as a "formal apology": she wore a floor-length evening gown we found at Goodwill for ten dollars, and she had a sign around her neck, written in calligraphy, which said, I'm sorry. ~ Jenny Han

Aching familiar in a way that made me wish I was still eight. Eight was before death or divorce or heartbreak. Eight was just eight. Hot dogs and peanut butter, mosquito bites and splinters, bikes and boogie boards. Tangled hair, sunburned shoulders, Judy Blume, in bed by nine thirty. ~ Jenny Han

The only thing I'll say is, make your own friends. Peter will be making tons of friends because of lacrosse, and the people he'll be friends with aren't necessarily the kinds of people you'd pick to be friends with. So make your own friends. Find your people. (Margot to Lara Jean) ~ Jenny Han

The distance came slowly, like seawater filling up a boat, without us even realizing it. Before you know it you're underwater. ~ Jenny Han

Tell me why you guys were laughing."
Clicking into my seat belt, I say, "At least once a week, Ms. Rothschild runs out to her car and spills hot coffee all over herself."
Kitty pipes up, "It's the funniest thing in the world."
Peter snorts. "You guys are sadistic."
"What's sadistic?" Kitty wants to know. She puts her head between us.
I push her back and say, "Put your seat belt on."
Peter puts the car in reverse. "It means seeing other people in pain makes you happy."
"Oh." She repeats it to herself softly. "Sadistic."
"Don't teach her weird stuff," I say.
"I like weird stuff," Kitty protests.
Peter says, "See? The kid likes weird stuff. ~ Jenny Han

Are you guys ready? I told Peter we'd meet him at eight."
Margot opens the door. "Ready," she says, and she doesn't look happy.
Ravi steps out behind her, carrying his suitcase. "I'm just going to drop this off in the guest room, and then I'm all set," he sys.
As soon as he's gone, I whisper to Margot, "Did something happen?"
"Ravi didn't want to make a bad impression on Daddy by us staying in the same room. I told him it was fine, but he doesn't feel comfortable."
"That's very considerate of him." I wouldn't say so to Margot, but it was totally the right move. Ravi just keeps rising in my estimation.
Reluctantly she says, "He's a very considerate guy."
"Really handsome, too."
A smile spreads across her face. "And there's that. ~ Jenny Han

Peter's mom told me he was talking about transferring to UNC next year. She wanted me to break up with him before he messed up his life for me."
"Damn! Peter's mom is kind of a bitch!"
"She didn't use those exact words, but that was the gist of it." I take a sip of tea. "I wouldn't want him to transfer for me either…My mom used to say not to go to college with a boyfriend, because you'll lose out on a true freshman experience."
"Well, to be fair, your mom never met Peter Kavinsky. She didn't have all the facts. If she had met him…" Trina lets out a low whistle. "She might've been singing a different tune."
Tears fill my eyes. "Honestly I regret breaking up with him and I wish I could take it all back!"
She tips up my chin. "Then why don't you?"
"I don't think he'll ever forgive me for hurting him like that. He doesn't let people in easily. I think I'm probably dead to him."
Trina tries to hide a smile. "I doubt that. Look, you'll talk to him at the wedding tomorrow. When he sees you in that dress, all will be forgiven."
I sniffle. "I'm sure he's not coming."
"I'm sure he is. You don't plan a man's bachelor party and then not show to the wedding. Not to mention the fact that he's crazy about you."
"But what if I hurt him again?"
She wraps both her hands around her mug of tea and takes a sip. "You can't protect him from being hurt, babe, no matter what you do. Being vulnerable, letting people in, getting hurt…it's all a par ~ Jenny Han

People say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I think they're wrong: Proximity makes the heart grow fonder. ~ Jenny Han

I'd never heard of them, but at that moment, it was the best song I'd ever heard. I went out and bought Ten and listened to it on repeat. When I listened to track five, "Black," it was like I was there, in that moment all over again.
After the summer was over, when I got back home, I went to the music store and bought the sheet music and learned to play it on the piano. I thought one day I could accompany Conrad and we could be, like, a band. ~ Jenny Han

Things weren't the same with us, not right away, and maybe not ever. We were growing up. We were still figuring out how to be in each other's lives without being everything to each other. ~ Jenny Han

The thrill of a boy putting his hands on you for the first time. ~ Jenny Han

He drives off into the night and I'm still standing there with my fingers to my lips. Peter Kavinsky just kissed me. ~ Jenny Han

Pack light and figure the rest out as you go ~ Jenny Han

Is a known fact that in life, you can't have everything ~ Jenny Han

But the really special thing I've included is my letter, the one I wrote to him so long ago, the one that brought us together. I wanted to keep it, but something felt right about Peter having it. One day all of this will be proof, proof that we were here, proof that we loved each other. It's the guarantee that no matter what happens to us in the future, this time was ours. ~ Jenny Han

Lara Jean?"
"Yes?"
I peek around the door and it's Lucas Krapf, wearing a thin V-neck sweater in brilliant blue and stone-colored khakis. "I've had this for a while now…I wans't going to say anything, but then I thought maybe you'd want it back." He puts a pink envelope in my hand. It's my letter. So Lucas got his, too.
I drop it into my locker, make a yikes face at myself in the mirror, and then close the door. "So you're probably wondering what this is all about," I begin. And then I immediately falter. "It's um, well, I wrote it a long time ago, and--"
"You don't have to explain."
"Really? You're not curious?"
"No. It was just really nice to get a letter like that. I was actually pretty honored."
I let out a relieved sigh and sag against my locker. Why is Lucas Krapf just so exactly right? He knows how to say the perfect thing.
And then Lucas gives me a half grimace, half smile. "But the thing is…" He lowers his voice. "You know I'm gay, right?"
"Oh, right, totally," I say, trying not to sound disappointed. "No, I totally knew." So Peter was right after all.
Lucas smiles. "You're so cute," he says, and I perk up again. Then he says, "Listen, can you not tell anybody, though? I mean, I'm out, but I'm not out out yet. You know what I mean?"
"Totally," I say, super confident. ~ Jenny Han

I'm gonna master it just like I mastered the other kind of French." He winks at me.
Kitty and I both scream at him for that. "Don't talk like that in front of my sister!" I yell, shoving him in the chest.
"I was kidding!"
"Also, you're not that good at French kissing." Even though, yeah, he is.
Peter gives me a Who are you kidding? look, and I shrug, because who am I kidding? ~ Jenny Han