Jarod Kintz Coffee Quotes

I prefer statues silent, rather than of ears with tongues sticking out and licking out loudly. ~ Jarod Kintz

Met a guy named Bill once. We met in Williamsburg and discussed the Bill of Rights and duck's beaks. ~ Jarod Kintz

I'm not gentlemanly. When I'm gentle, I'm not manly, and when I'm manly, I'm not gentle. ~ Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used like a cat, if it were furry and purred. ~ Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to represent society as a whole. But to represent society as a half, I'd recommend using either a full carton of half and half, or a half-full carton of whole milk. ~ Jarod Kintz

Love is yesterday's tomorrow, minus the frozen musical notes, soggy teabags, and political opposition from your own embryonic offspring. ~ Jarod Kintz

If love had a pulse, like a heartbeat, would you find yourself oscillating like an isosceles triangle at the righteousness of a right-angled one? ~ Jarod Kintz

I feel like I'm late for love. I'll be 30 in March. Damn it! I knew I should have set my alarm clock. ~ Jarod Kintz

Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I'll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy land runner to ride. ~ Jarod Kintz

I have seen the deadly effects of love first hand, and I have seen them with my second hand (the left one). ~ Jarod Kintz

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge. ~ Jarod Kintz

I believe men belong in the garage, because that's where the dog food is stored. And the band is kept there. Auditions start after I move the car. ~ Jarod Kintz

If my initials were ARK, then you could call me Noah. ~ Jarod Kintz

If you forget your manners, you can always borrow mine. I won't be using them. ~ Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming - and that you are warm. Where's the cold war when you need it? ~ Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I'll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground. ~ Jarod Kintz

Whether you're a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don't think politicians are thieves, because you can't steal what you've been given. Once we stop giving in, they'll stop taking. ~ Jarod Kintz

A great band name would be Tickling Whiskers. Especially if the lead singer is a cat. I'd love to audition for backup dancer. ~ Jarod Kintz

I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor. ~ Jarod Kintz

On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me. ~ Jarod Kintz

Most people go to networking events to gain visibility. But in a crowded room, I'm trying to figure out how to become invisible. I network like the ghost of a chameleon. ~ Jarod Kintz

Blankets could be used as tents. That would free up tents to be used as portable sex stalls. ~ Jarod Kintz

There's nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn't hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I'll bet it was pretty funny. ~ Jarod Kintz

If love tasted like pork, and you were allergic to Francis Bacon, could I be your Shakespeare? We could make love on a pizza and make much ado about nothing, everything, anything, something. ~ Jarod Kintz

I finish what I start, and I Finnish what I Swedish. ~ Jarod Kintz

A hotel is more than bricks and blankets. A hotel is a welcoming atmosphere, and a place to engage in a business transaction with a prostitute. ~ Jarod Kintz

I told the tree it was going nowhere in life. It was hurtful, but true. Now, maybe in death it will go somewhere, as furniture. ~ Jarod Kintz

I'll never be as old as someone older than me, but I can be older than them if I outlive their lifespan. ~ Jarod Kintz

Night - it's the only thing that will cover up one of my black moods. Good thing my depression isn't an every day kind of thing. It's an after day thing. ~ Jarod Kintz

I don't understand why you don't trust me. It's not like you have a reason to not trust me. So, lend me some money, and let me give you the reason you were looking for to not trust me. Wouldn't you rather be proved right than not lose money? ~ Jarod Kintz

Networking isn't synonymous with partying. If you're doing it right, partying seems libraryesque in comparison. ~ Jarod Kintz

Reverse psychology, I do it in front of the mirror. ~ Jarod Kintz

Funerals and weddings often take place in the same location. Some would also argue that they sometimes happen at the same time too. ~ Jarod Kintz

My grandpa passed a few days ago. But I'm not sad. He was only driving 20 miles an hour, so I'm sure I'll catch up to him. ~ Jarod Kintz

I often laugh at a dog that chases its own tail. But aren't there some people out there who spend a lot of time "chasing their own tails?" Well, maybe those people should seriously consider getting their tails surgically removed. It did wonders for my self-esteem. ~ Jarod Kintz

When someone looks at something they don't understand and they say, "That could be a good thing, or that could be a bad thing," they're just highlighting the fact that they have no clue what they are talking about. Everything in the universe, besides God, could be a good or bad thing. ~ Jarod Kintz

Turn the fan off when I'm talking. It not only makes my words colder, but it distorts and dilutes what I'm saying. ~ Jarod Kintz

I meant to spend the day writing, but instead I spent the afternoon cleaning out my belly button. Historians will thank me one day. ~ Jarod Kintz

Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with betrayal, abuse, neglect, derision, thievery, and possibly even torture. ~ Jarod Kintz

Some people think nature is their God. I'd like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion. ~ Jarod Kintz