Stephen Osborne Quotes

It's my spider, Jeffrey. He's a tarantula."
"Yes, he certainly seems to be."
"He's my pet."
"Better you than me. I'm not overly fond of spiders. Too many
legs."
"No," Ernie said simply, "he's got the right number.

I'd like to put that day off as long as possible. You saw the guy
at dinner. He's Satan without the horns. Hitler used to get advice on
how to be nasty from him.

Gina's brow furrowed. "I'm a witch not fucking Harry Potter. You want miracles call the 700 Club.

Daisy was my beloved bulldog, who had some problems of her own - the main one being that she, too, was no longer alive. However, she wasn't a ghost like Robbie. Daisy was a zombie. Long story.

I'd never thrown myself through a window before, but I knew what to do in theory. The answer is: don't do it.

I at least got Carson calmed down a little. Interested, he asked,
"Really? There are demons who do that? Fuck all the time?"
"Yeah. I call them Kardashians.

several complaints that
night, ranging from people thinking cats were fighting to one soul who
thought that a neighbor was playing a Yoko Ono album much too loud.

The room was deathly quiet. Maybe because I was holding my
breath. You know that feeling you get when you know you're doing
something that you shouldn't be doing but you're doing it anyway? I
felt that if someone were to sneak up behind me and go "Boo" that
my heart would say "Fuck it" and just stop beating.
I told myself to think of something else. Think of that gorgeous
young man who had served us at dinner. Think of how he'd look
naked. Okay, maybe don't think of that. The only thing worse than
being found in someone else's room rifling through their things would
be to be found in someone else's room pleasuring yourself.

He hadn't actually acted since his high school senior play (where he had famously skipped two whole pages of dialog and died fifteen minutes too soon),

There are good kissers and bad kissers. Good kisser: Tony.
Sweet, passionate, and his lips make every nerve in your body stand
up and go, "Hey, what's this? What's going on, and can we make it go
on longer?" And then there are your bad kissers. Case in point: Tyler
Kendrick. My mouth thought it was being attacked by a squid. Big,
freaky tongue forcing its way into my mouth like the villain in a
Western movie coming through the saloon doors with a swagger. Too
much saliva, and in all the wrong places. Honestly, during a kiss your
cheeks should remain relatively dry.

It's just that… I'm wanting to start dating myself." I saw Gina's eyes bug out. "I don't mean dating myself. I've been doing that for ten years now. It's gotten to the point where I buy my left hand chocolates on Valentine's Day.

Sounds good. What sort of fun did you
have in mind?"
I rubbed my nose against his. "It's kind of like putting together
toys on Christmas morning. You have to insert dowel rod A into slot B
until it fits firmly…."
"Oh, yes?"
"…and then you move things around until you break something
and make a big mess.