Laurie A. Helgoe Quotes

I'm not so sure that live is always better. It is part of the extrovert assumption to value interaction over inner action. Most introverts savor live time with a close friend, because they know there will be plenty of inner action for both of them. But much of what we call "social" in America allows for very little inner action. Emailing a friend or posting a blog entry will probably feel much richer, and help us feel much closer, than being up close and impersonal.

Efforts to make work fun only annoy most of us, especially the introvert.

For introverts, who have limited energy for interaction, we need to be more thoughtful and deliberate about whom we meet - which, happily, is what we do best.

When psychologists Catherine Caldwell-Harris and Ayse Ayçiçegi compared U.S. and Turkish samples, they found that having "an orientation inconsistent with societal values" is a risk factor for poor mental health. The findings support what the researchers call the personality-culture clash hypothesis: "Psychological adjustment depends on the degree of match between personality and the values of surrounding society." To the extent that introverts feel the need to explain, apologize, or feel guilty about what works best for them, they feel alienated not only from society but from themselves.

Beware of extroverts in retreat center clothing!

If you are drawn to the refined, take up calligraphy or grow a bonsai.

James W. Pennebaker and his associates at the University of Texas have conducted extensive research on the benefits of journaling. His findings: if you want relief, write about your most upsetting experiences, write through the pain, and connect painful events with your life story.

I'm one of those introverts with well-honed social skills, and I have even danced on the occasional table, but I have felt sheer panic when my exhaustion precedes my exit. It's like the Cinderella story with a twist: I want to get out of there and into my duds before midnight - or ten, or eight.

Extroverts want us to have fun, because they assume we want what they want. And sometimes we do. But "fun" itself is a "bright" word, the kind of word that comes with flashing lights and an exclamation point! One of Merriam-Webster's definitions of "fun" is "violent or excited activity or argument." The very word makes me want to sit in a dimly lit room with lots of pillows - by myself.

While the introvert is reflecting on the question (thinking first), the extrovert takes this as an invitation to fill the void (talking first). As long as the introvert doesn't interrupt, the extrovert continues to fill the interpersonal space with talk. But as long as the extrovert talks, the introvert can't think and stays mute. Mute means the invitation is still open, and continued talk assures that the introvert remains mute. By the time the extrovert pauses to ask, the introvert's head is pounding and he or she just wants to get out so she can think. The extrovert just assumes the introvert had nothing to say, and moves on.

I will say that the socially oblivious extroverts do not represent the whole. As with introverts, social skills are independent of extroversion: some are skilled, some are not. The skilled ones know how to listen. But in contrast to socially unskilled introverts, who keep to themselves, socially unskilled extroverts insist on socializing.

Think of a group of Extrovert Moms gathered together at a Little League game, excitedly chatting and enjoying the action. In comes Introvert Mom who, after a full day of work, wants nothing more than to savor the game - all by herself. She sits off a bit from everyone else, stretching her feet onto the bleacher bench, and may even have a book to indulge in as the team warms up. She might enjoy watching the people around her, but she has no energy to interact. What are the Extrovert Moms thinking? Because they are oriented to people, they will likely assume that Introvert Mom is, too - which means they see Introvert Mom as not liking people (what we know now as asocial) or being a "snob," thinking she's too good for the Extrovert Moms. More likely, Introvert Mom is not thinking about them at all! She is just doing something she likes to do.

Introvert integrity means going the distance for what we love: moving from apology to acceptance, from acceptance to acknowledgement, and from acknowledgment to activism.

I heard, for the first time - nothing. I danced and did somersaults, lay down in a bed of grass, felt the breeze.
And for the first time, I heard my heart, and I knew who I was.

How do we maintain integrity as introverts, and at the same time allow our natural extroverted tendencies to emerge?
The answer: organically. We mosh best when we feel like moshing. The T'ai Chi symbol illustrates that introversion (yin) flows into extroversion (yang) and extroversion flows into introversion. Each specialty houses the nucleus of the other. When the introvert is safe, she can extrovert. When the extrovert is safe, he can introvert.

According to the prevailing extroversion assumption, inviting you is a nice gesture, and pressuring you is a compliment - an indication that you are wanted. How many times have you equivocated on or even declined an invitation, only to be asked again - and again?

Prefer spacious interactions with fewer people. And it means that, when you converse, you are more interested in sharing ideas than in talking about people and what they're doing. In a conversation with someone sharing gossip, the introvert's eyes glaze over and his brow furrows as he tries to comprehend how this conversation could interest anyone. This is not because the introvert is morally superior - he just doesn't get it. As we've discussed, introverts are energized and excited by ideas. Simply talking about people, what they do and who they know, is noise for the introvert. He'll be looking between the lines for some meaning, and this can be hard work! Before long, he'll be looking for a way out of the conversation. But when an introvert is hanging out

Solitude became, for me, an interesting mosaic of broken pieces, a place where the neglected parts of myself get collected - for better and for worse, sometimes barely tolerated and sometimes arranged into lovely patterns.

Here's a well-kept secret: introversion is not defined by lack. Introversion, when embraced, is a wellspring of riches.

I am rarely bored alone; I am often bored in groups and crowds.

Where else but cyberspace does the introvert have the opportunity to start in our comfort zone of written communication and talk later?

I talk with many Shadow Dwellers who are mystified by the fact that chatty workers are rarely reprimanded. Sit and gossip and you are fun; close the door (if you have one) and you are antisocial.

Our challenge as introverts is to adopt the attitude, based on the introversion assumption, that your need to retreat requires no explanation - it is self-evident.

It is impossible to fully and fairly understand introversion without looking inside. We aren't just going away, we're going toward something.

Similarly, a Solo Date is an outing with yourself to satisfy some of your introvert cravings. And it is a delicious treat.

Introverts keep their best stuff inside - that is, until it is ready. And this drives extroverts crazy! The explanation for the introvert's behavior - and there must be an explanation for this behavior, say the extroverts - is that he or she is antisocial, out of touch, or simply a snob.

Let's clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.

Some introverts accept and even embrace alienation from society, and to the extent possible, drop out of the mainstream. These are the Shadow Dwellers, and whether they just keep a low profile or become openly hosile to the mainstream, you probably won't see them at a 'meet and greet' function.

This book is not about finding balance - we are really tired of doing that! Besides, finding balance assumes that we have been allowed to be fully introverted. We have not. This book is about embracing the power of introversion. It's about indulging, melting into, drinking in, immersing ourselves in the joy, the genius, and the power of who we naturally are - and not just on the occasional retreat, but in the living of our lives.

When an introvert cares about someone, she also wants contact, not so much to keep up with the events of the other person's life, but to keep up with what's inside: the evolution of ideas, values, thoughts, and feelings.

Though introverts are drained by interaction, we can take immense pleasure in watching the scene around us.

It takes an extrovert to bring out my upbeat side. If it were up to me, everyone would probably just sit around talking about mysteries of the universe.

One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. - Vincent Van Gogh

Solitude is not lack.

Introverts are collectors of thoughts, and solitude is where the collection is curated and rearranged to make sense of the present and future.

For introverts, the best associations start with ideas. If you don't feel a part of your neighborhood association or the happy hour regulars after work, don't force it. The community that surrounds you may not be your community.

For the introvert, as for the flâneur, observing is not a fallback position - something we do because we can't participate. We watch because we want to. There is something wonderfully grounding about remaining still as others mull about - or mulling about while others remain still. Against the backdrop of the scene, the introvert feels more like an "I.

Online friends networks and dating sites, like the coffeehouse, are responding to the needs of introverts. We can write, not talk. We can get to the good stuff, and we can press delete as needed.

Most of us have had the experience of creating beauty, whether by cleaning a room, planting a bed of flowers or hanging a painting. Our first impulse is to say, "Come and see! Look what I did!" Though it may be a long time since mom or dad came to see, we still have the need to share - to be seen, acknowledged, appreciated. But it's more than approval we seek; we want to extend the joy. We want someone to help us make it more real, to linger with us in the warmth.

QUIET IS MIGHT.
SOLITUDE IS STRENGTH.
INTROVERSION IS POWER.

If a child stays quiet in the context of extroverted friends, or even prefers time alone, a parent may worry and even send her to therapy. She might be thrilled - she'll finally get to talk about the stuff she cares about, and without interruption! But if the therapist concludes that the child has a social phobia, the treatment of choice is to increasingly expose her to the situations she fears. This behavioral treatment is effective for treating phobias - if that is truly the problem. If it's not the problem, and the child just likes hanging out inside better than chatting, she'll have a problem soon. Her "illness" now will be an internalized self-reproach: "Why don't I enjoy this like everyone else?" The otherwise carefree child learns that something is wrong with her. She not only is pulled away from her home, she is supposed to like it. Now she is anxious and unhappy, confirming the suspicion that she has a problem.

The extrovert assumption is so woven into the fabric of our culture that an employee may suffer reprimands for keeping his door closed (that is, if he is one of the lucky ones who has a door), for not lunching with other staff members, or for missing the weekend golf game or any number of supposedly morale-boosting celebrations. Half. More than half of us don't want to play. We don't see the point. For us, an office potluck will not provide satisfying human contact - we'd much rather meet a friend for an intimate conversation (even if that friend is a coworker). For us, the gathering will not boost morale - and will probably leave us resentful that we stayed an extra hour to eat stale cookies and make small talk. For us, talking with coworkers does not benefit our work - it sidetracks us.

A good rule of thumb is that any environment that consistently leaves you feeling bad about who you are is the wrong environment.

Whatever kind of introvert you are, some people will find you "too much" in some ways and "not enough" in others.

If your friend knows you at all, she is being rude by pressuring you to do something that is bad for you. Yes, bad for you. Engaging in a painful activity that leaves you feeling crummy about yourself is self-destructive. But your friend is probably not a jerk - you wouldn't have chosen her for a friend if she were. She's just following the social rules. And you may be following them too.

Recognition is what you feel when a friend sums up exactly what you're feeling, when an author gives you the right words, when someone "gets" you.

Though I may be efficient at the family table, I linger at the table for two.

I believed that if I had the whole story, if I had the opportunity to really know the person I was sitting with, there would be nobody I could not love.

Though some of us like to get on stage, many introverts are content to put on their invisibility cloaks and watch. But well-meaning extroverts will have none of that! They need to draw us out, invite us to participate - repeatedly - and question why we are so depressed as to not want to join.

We have an assumption here in America that the kind thing to do is to be "friendly," which means being extroverted, even intrusive. The Japanese assume the opposite: being kind means holding back.

To express want is to own the desire, to stand in your own reality. The easier alternative is the language of impairment: "I can't come because I'm run down, overworked, under the gun, tired, sick, or not up to it." The underlying message is, "I cannot attend because I am impaired," rather than the more honest and self-respecting response: "I choose to not attend because I prefer the other option.

For an introvert, interacting in a group setting does mean missing out. Where there is too much input, the introvert misses his mind, his subjectivity, his freedom, his very potential. The high-stimulus social environment, the "where it's at on a Friday night," this apparent "more," becomes a prison to the introvert. He can't wait to be free - to get out and away from the noise, the talk, the interference with his inner process.

Reading is like travel, allowing you to exit your own life for a bit, and to come back with a renewed, even inspired, perspective.

Introvert conversations are like jazz, where each player gets to solo for a nice stretch before the other player comes in and does his solo. And like jazz, once we get going, we can play all night. Extrovert conversations are more like tennis matches, where thoughts are batted back and forth, and players need to be ready to respond. Introverts get winded pretty quickly.

Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss what insults your soul. - Walt Whitman