Heather Moehn Quotes

Problems in the Workplace

This section shows how the problems you have in school carry over into the workplace. If you have a part-time job, you may already experience some of the following problems. If so, you should feel good that you are working on solving them now. They probably will not get better on their own.
Many people who have suffered from social anxiety for years finally ask for help when they recognize that their careers are suffering. They realize that they will never reach the level of success they want if they do not overcome their social fears.

Possible Problems with Journal Writing
Be careful not to get too involved with your journal. In many published journals, writers such as Anais Nin worried that they found writing in a journal so satisfying that they were trapped into spending their lives writing about events, rather than living them. Don't let writing about feelings replace speaking with others. Journal writing should be a tool to help you become more confident, not a crutch that increases your isolation. If you find yourself becoming too dependent on your journal, take a break from writing for a week or two.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy

There are almost no pure cognitive or behavioral therapists. Instead, most therapists use a combination of both techniques. This is known as cognitive-behavioral therapy. It is generally recognized as the best therapy for social anxiety.
In cognitive-behavioral therapy, a therapist helps you identity maladaptive thinking patterns and replace them with new ways of thinking. He or she also teaches you relaxation techniques and new behaviors that make you feel more comfortable in social situations.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy uses many of the same techniques that we explored in the previous chapter. Although you might make great strides on your own, sometimes it is easier and faster to have someone guide you. Often it is difficult for people to explore hidden beliefs about themselves. A professional therapist is experienced in working with people who are trying to change. Often a therapist will see connections in your situation that you cannot.

Carlos was terrified of speaking in class. Whenever the teacher called on him, his heart raced, he blushed, and his stomach felt upset.
His therapist first had him focus on his thoughts during class. As an experiment, she had him purposely answer a question incorrectly during biology class. To his surprise, the teacher didn't make a big deal out of it, and the other students didn't laugh. As a result, Carlos realized that his imagined consequences for making errors were gr

How to Create Coping Statements

Coping statements should be brief and simple so you can easily remember them when you feel anxious. They should apply directly to the situation you fear--if you are worried about your hand shaking while you eat, a statement about public speaking won't help. They should also be realistic. You might try to counter anxious feelings with a statement like, "I won't be nervous." That statement is too unrealistic to help; everyone feels nervous at times. Your statements should help you cope with the nervousness. Some examples of effective coping statements include:

-Relax. I'm in control.
-My friends will still accept me if I say something silly.
-It's not that bad. I can do it.

You may want to write your coping statement on a piece of paper to carry with you. You can also write other helpful comments on it. Then, when you become anxious, you can read the coping card and can remind yourself that you can change the way you think. Often, simply having the card with you is calming whether you refer to it or not.

Cognitive Therapy

Instead of behavior, cognitive therapy emphasizes changing thoughts and beliefs. Cognitive therapists believe that irrational beliefs or distorted thinking patterns lead to social anxiety so they teach patients to think in more rational, constructive ways.

Journal Writing

Keeping a journal is an extremely valuable practice. Right now, your mind may be racing with anxious thoughts and worries. Writing them down helps you sort through your problems and come to a deeper understanding of the issues in your life.
The benefits of journal writing may be more than just psychological. Dr. James Pennebaker, a researcher in Texas, discovered that when people write about difficult experiences for twenty minutes at a time over a period of three to four days, their immune system functioning increases. This indicates that the simple act of writing about emotions has a direct impact on your body's ability to withstand stress and fight infection and disease.

Modeling

Modeling is the process of watching how others act in certain situations, then copying their behavior. For example, if you are worried about the first impression you make, pay attention to how others present themselves. What traits give a good first impression? What do people say? How do confident people carry themselves? Also examine people who give a bad first impression and try to determine why. Imitate the actions that impressed you. With time, you will feel more comfortable with modeling and begin to own the traits you admire in others.
Modeling works very well when you are in an unfamiliar situation. If you are not sure how to act, watching others will give you clues.

Sam's best friend's father passed away and Sam attended the service. He had never been to a funeral before and felt very uncomfortable. As he stood in the receiving line, he felt anxious about what to say and how to act. He was terrified of saying the wrong thing and hurting his friend's family.
Sam stepped out of line and stood to the side for a moment. He observed what other people did as he breathed deeply and practiced relaxation techniques. After a few minutes, he figured out what to do and returned to the line. When he reached his friend's mother, he gave her a hug and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss." She hugged him back and thanked him for coming. Sam felt confident that he had acted appropriately.

How to Perform Paced Breathing

Paced breathing is a slow, regular rate of deep breathing. There are three main points to keep in mind when practicing:

1.Breathe slowly. Concentrate on slowing the rate of your breathing to eight or ten breaths per minute.

2.Inhale and exhale through your nose. It is more difficult to take shallow breaths from the upper chest when you breathe through your nose. This keeps you from hyperventilating.

3.Choose a neutral word to focus on while practicing paced breathing. The words "one," "calm," and "relax" work well. Each time you exhale, say the word in your mind. This will assist in keeping your breathing evenly paced, and will help to reduce the chances of interfering thoughts.

During the day, when you are not practicing paced breathing, alternate paced and normal breathing. Every single breath you take does not have to come from the diaphragm. There should be a natural rhythm between chest breathing and diaphragm breathing. Find a comfortable balance but do more diaphragmatic breathing than you usually do.

Tony is at a local law office to interview for an internship. He wants to become a trial lawyer. He is very excited by the thought of working professionally, but is so anxious about the interview that he feels lightheaded and numb. He is afraid he won't be able to say what he wants to, and that his answers will be incorrect.
As he waits for the interviewer, Tony starts to

The History of Social Anxiety

The fact that some people are shyer than others has been observed since ancient times. However, the medical community didn't become interested in this condition until the 1970s, when Philip Zimbardo founded the Stanford Shyness Clinic.
At the time, many professionals believed that shyness was a natural state that children eventually outgrew. Zimbardo showed that shyness actually is a widespread psychological problem that has deep and lasting effects on those who suffer from it.
This new awareness led to a great deal of research into the causes and treatment of social anxiety. Today, the condition is in the spotlight. Ads in magazines and commercials on television tell about social anxiety and advertise medications to treat it. People are becoming more open about discussing when they feel anxious and feel less ashamed about asking for help. The time has never been better for you to try to overcome your social anxiety.

Easing Your Mind's Responses to Anxiety

When you are in social situations, your mind might race with negative thoughts about yourself, expectations about what is going to happen, or fears about what others are thinking. Often, these thoughts develop into a vicious cycle: Because you believe you don't have anything worthwhile to express, you expect to have difficulty speaking. When you have difficulty speaking, you believe that people think you're stupid. Because you believe people think you are stupid, you have even more difficulties with conversation. With your mind in such a tizzy, it is difficult to relax and be yourself.
Your imagination is a very powerful tool to help combat negative self-talk and reduce stress, tension, and anxiety. This section will help you learn to think your way out of this mental trap.

Sociological Explanations

Sociologists theorize that people can live together in peace because of the development of a social hierarchy that ranges from dominant to submissive. Everyone in a group takes his or her place in the hierarchy. A certain degree of anxiety around others allows people to assess the level of threat that they pose, and helps maintain the balance between aggression and inhibition.
However, people with social anxiety tend to misinterpret others' behavior as more aggressive or powerful than it really is. As a result, a socially anxious person often will become overly submissive--blushing, not making eye contact, freezing, or withdrawing.
Sociologists believe this response may be the result of a fundamental fear of rejection. In monkeys, apes, and humans, being left to fend for oneself usually is a threat to survival. In social anxiety, people may see being judged as a threat to their position in the group. To them, rejection means failure.

Kyoto went through her day at school constantly apologizing to everyone. Whenever she walked down the hall, opened her locker, sat down in an empty seat, or got in line in the cafeteria, she always said "Excuse me" or "I'm sorry." Most of the time, she didn't know why she was apologizing. She always wanted to please others.
Kyoto's mother took her to see a psychologist because of Kyoto's anxiety. The psychologist helped Kyoto see that she misinterpreted others' behavior as being more

Behavior Rehearsal

Behavior rehearsal is practicing your actions until you feel confident about them. The first step is to visualize the ideal situation. Imagine the scenario and see yourself feeling relaxed and comfortable. Imagine others reacting positively and think about what you will say and do. It may also help to write out the scenario in your journal. Sometimes writing down what you want to say "cements" it in your mind.
Next, practice what you imagined. It may help to do this with a friend or family member acting as the other characters. For instance, if you are afraid to call about a job opening, rehearse what you want to say with your mom or dad playing the role of the employer. Or, if you are going to an event where you do not know many people, practice with a sibling introducing yourself to a stranger.
Pay special attention to the various maladaptive thoughts and expectations you may have regarding the situation. Analyze them and explore how realistic they are. Once you feel you have a handle on the situation, develop a few coping statements for extra support.

When Does Social Anxiety Appear?

Social anxiety can develop at any age. Many people remember feeling afraid during social situations as early as kindergarten. Others don't develop symptoms until they are adults. However, social anxiety most commonly appears in adolescence, between the ages of 15 and 20. When you think about the changes that are taking place in your life at this time, this fact makes a lot of sense.
As a teenager, you are expected to act more like an adult than a child. You are beginning to take on adult responsibilities and see yourself as a part of society. Meeting the expectations of others and making a good impression are very important. As a result, you may worry about what others think of you and be afraid of acting incorrectly.

-Write out a conversation with your inner voice. Begin the entry with a question directed to yourself, then write your mental response. It may help to label the different voices A and B. Dialogue writing is a very effective way to get to the heart of the matter.

The following passage is an example of typical dialogue writing:

A: Tomorrow is a big day. You have an interview at a college. How do you feel?

B: I am really nervous. This is the first interview and I don't know what it is going to be like.

A: What are you afraid of?

B: I'm afraid I'll stutter and say something stupid. I'm worried the person will ask a question and I won't know what to say.

A: What do you want to discuss?

B: I think it is good that I was on the basketball team for four years. That shows commitment and dedication. I also got decent grades and earned a blue ribbon at the science fair.

A: What about your hobbies outside of school?

B: I really like to read. I could mention that. I could talk also about the vacations my family has taken. They are pretty interesting. I enjoy my part-time retail job.

A: It sounds like you do a lot.

B: I guess I am good at organizing my life and accomplishing what needs to be done. Hey, that would sound good in an interview!


-Try focused "freewriting." Pick one topic, such as school, friends, or family, and write everything that comes to

Change Your Inaccurate Expectations

Many social fears are caused by inaccurate expectations and "catastrophizing." One way to determine your expectations is to figure out exactly what you fear. For instance, if you are going to a friend's birthday party and you feel overly anxious, ask yourself "Why am I afraid?" "Because I am going to a party" isn't a good answer, because the party itself does not lead to anxiety. You need to determine what you expect will happen at the party to determine what is making you nervous. You might find that you believe no one will talk to you or that your friend will hate your gift. Once you identify concrete fears and expectations, you can work to change your maladaptive thinking patterns.

Fear of Trying New Things
High school is a time to figure out your interests. There are many clubs and groups that cover a wide variety of subjects. If you have social anxiety, however, you may be afraid of trying new things.
As we read earlier, many people with social anxiety are perfectionists. When you try something new, there is always a possibility that you won't be good at it. It is much safer to stick with what you know and avoid the possibility that you might fail or embarrass yourself in front of others.
In the future, however, you may regret not taking part in more activities. You may be upset that you did not take advantage of opportunities. Avoiding new activities now creates a pattern of avoidance that can be difficult to break.

Generalized Social Anxiety

In contrast to people with specific social anxieties, you may be afraid in a wide variety of situations. You might feel that people are judging everything you do and you might set unreasonable standards of perfection for yourself. This condition is called generalized (or discrete) social anxiety. Generalized social anxiety accounts for 80 percent of all cases of social anxiety.
Often, people with generalized social anxiety get caught in a vicious cycle. Because they are overly anxious in many situations, they act in clumsy and awkward ways, which in turn makes them feel even more discouraged and anxious. This cycle often results in depression and chronic stress.
Generalized social anxiety can affect almost every aspect of your life. This has been the case for Toni, a college senior.

In high school, I hardly had any friends. I didn't participate in any extracurricular activities and managed to get by with average grades. Because I attend a large state university, I am even more invisible. So far, I have avoided any class that has any interaction with my peers, such as discussion groups or labs.
As graduation approaches, I need to decide what type of career I want. The thought of job interviews terrifies me. I am considering grad school but would need recommendations to apply. I haven't even spoken to most of my professors, and the ones who know me probably can't say anything good about me.
As a result, I'm r

Fear of Dating

Dating is a big part of the teenage years. Dances, parties, and other social events can make you long for a significant other. However, if you have social anxiety, you may be terrified of getting close to someone of the opposite sex. You may be afraid of saying something silly or acting inappropriately. Flirting, a playful way of getting noticed and letting someone know you like him or her, may seem impossible when you feel awkward and insecure.

How Journal Writing Helps

Because of your social anxiety, you may be so afraid that any opinions you have are wrong that you remain neutral on most subjects. Or, you might feel like a chameleon who changes opinions depending on the situation. Not expressing your opinions can make you feel empty and unsure of what you really believe. Writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal can help you figure out your likes and dislikes, your opinions on tough issues, and what you stand for. Once you have your true beliefs down on paper, they will seem more concrete and you will be able to remember them during social situations.
Although you probably are aware of what causes you the most anxiety, you also may have worries that are more difficult to identify. People often use various mental tricks to bury problems that are painful or difficult. As you write in your journal, you will become more aware of hidden fears and worries. Once they are brought into the open, you can begin to cope with them more effectively.
Writing about events also makes it easier to be objective. While a belief, such as "Everyone thinks I'm stupid," may cross your mind unconsciously, writing it down makes you realize how false and exaggerated it is. Once you see how maladaptive some of your thoughts are, it is easier to change them.
In addition, a journal is valuable whenever you feel discouraged. Reviewing past entries will remind you how much you have improved over time. This insight

Writing on Paper

A benefit of writing in a paper journal is that the only limitation is the size of the page. Be creative and make the book a reflection of your personality. Besides writing, you can draw or paint, glue in mementos like ticket stubs or photos, use different-colored pens and pencils, and insert letters and notes. You can write sideways or upside down on the page, and doodle in the margins. Writing in the journal can be fun. Your journal can be an expression of your individuality.

Are you publicly or privately shy?

If you are publicly shy, you will agree with the following types of statements that focus on how others view you.

-I'm concerned about my style of doing things.
-I worry about my appearance.
-I want to make a good impression.

If you are privately shy, you will agree with the following types of statements that focus on how you view yourself.

-I'm always trying to figure myself out.
-I constantly scrutinize my feelings and motives.
-I notice changes in my mood easily.

Group Therapy

Group therapy has been very successful for treating social anxiety, and there are many benefits to it. Members are a source of support for each other and the group allows you to address your fears in a safe environment. Listening to others' experiences helps you realize the ways in which social anxiety affects you. Group therapy also helps you become more comfortable speaking in front of people and sharing your thoughts. Moreover, it is typically less expensive than one-on-one therapy because group members share the cost.
There are also disadvantages to group therapy. You'll spend less time talking about your own problems than in one-on-one therapy. You might also worry about confidentiality. It is often difficult to trust that strangers aren't going to talk about your problems outside of the group. If you have this fear, it can be difficult to open up, thus lessening the effectiveness of group therapy.

Who Suffers?

If you have social anxiety, you are not alone. The National Comorbidity Study found social phobia to be the third most common psychiatric disorder, after major depression and alcohol dependence. Experts believe that millions of people suffer from it. It is difficult to get exact numbers because the nature of social anxiety often makes it difficult for people to seek help. Many people who appear confident and strong suffer silently for years before telling anyone how they feel.
In the general population, social anxiety appears to affect more women than men. This may be due in part to the social norms that determine that women should be less aggressive and more reserved than men. However, more men seek treatment, possibly because social anxiety has more of an impact on the jobs traditionally held by men. As gender roles in society continue to shift, these statistics will probably change.

Replace Maladaptive Thoughts with Coping Statements

When you feel anxious in social situations, you probably have many false beliefs and maladaptive thoughts, such as "I don't fit in" or "I'm so awkward." An important part of coping with social anxiety is to be able to recognize when your thinking is clouded.
Use your journal to record events that make you feel anxious, and examine what you were thinking at the time and why. It may help to refer to the list of maladaptive thinking patterns on pages 25 and 26 to help you see when your thinking is faulty. Remember that figuring out your faulty thoughts requires that you be totally honest with yourself. Once you have identified your maladaptive thoughts, you can work to replace them with more constructive thoughts, called coping statements.

Journaling Tips

-Try to write every day. Set aside a special time--perhaps right before you go to bed--to reflect on what happened during that day. Writing things down soon after they happen will help you to be honest and objective. If you wait, you may not remember the details as well, and maladaptive thinking patterns may cloud your interpretations.

-Record the date and time for every entry. Also, give each entry a title that reflects what you wrote about. This will help when you search for old entries about a particular day or topic.

-Don't worry about spelling, grammar, and punctuation, or organization. Being a perfectionist will lead to frustration. You aren't going to be graded on your journal--just write whatever comes to mind.

-Leave blank space for future comments. Reflecting on entries weeks, months, or even years after you wrote them will help you record your progress.

-Keep the journal in a safe place. Journal writing is most effective when you are completely honest. This may be hard if you are afraid your parents or siblings might read it.

Behavioral Therapy

Behavioral therapy differs dramatically from classical psychoanalysis. Instead of dealing with an individual's thoughts, feelings, and past experiences, it focuses solely on the specific behaviors that are causing problems. Behavioral therapists believe that all behaviors are learned and that you can relearn and replace maladaptive behaviors with more appropriate ones.

Avoiding School or Dropping Out

Unfortunately, school sometimes becomes so difficult for people with social anxiety that they start avoiding it as much as they can. This has a serious effect on a person's future. It is difficult to get a good job with a decent salary if you do not have a high school diploma. If you drop out, you are setting yourself up for a difficult time.

Cedric has always had a hard time in school because of his extreme social anxiety. He feels uncomfortable with his classmates and avoids speaking with them. During classes, he always sits in the back and never participates. When teachers call on him, he usually mumbles "I don't know." As a result of his social anxiety, he has low self-esteem and suffers from depression.
One day, he decided that it didn't matter if he went to school or not. Some mornings, he hides in the yard until his mother leaves for work, and then he stays in his room all day. Other times, he wanders around the woods.
Cedric has no idea what he wants to do with his life. He knows it is only a matter of time before his mother finds out he has been missing school. He wishes he could just hide and hibernate. Deep down, he knows he has a problem, but he doesn't know what to do about it. Secretly, he hopes his mother forces him to see a therapist because he is afraid of what the rest of his life is going to be like.

Learning from Negative Experiences

Many people with social anxiety can remember certain events that contributed to their fears. Martin knows exactly why he is afraid to speak in class.

When I was in seventh-grade science class, the teacher had each student read aloud a paragraph from the textbook. It was a chapter on different types of organisms. When it was my turn, I accidentally said "orgasm" instead of "organism." Everyone howled with laughter, including the teacher. I felt so embarrassed. My face was bright red and I wanted to hide. Kids teased me about it for a long time. Ever since then, I am terrified about reading anything aloud. Sometimes, I am even afraid of simply speaking.

This event, together with Martin's biochemistry and genes, set him up to have a form of social anxiety. People who don't have the same heightened sense of awareness or the same chemicals rushing through their bodies may not have been upset by this event. They may have laughed with the class or even have been able to make fun of themselves.

Changing Expectations by Estimating Probability

A step in correcting your inaccurate expectations is to figure out how likely it is that what you fear will occur. Here are four ways to estimate the probability of an event:

1.Remember past experiences. If you are afraid that no one will speak with you at the party, think about other parties you have attended. Have you ever been to a social gathering where no one spoke to you? Chances are that you probably have not.

2.Look at general rules. If you are worried about spilling something, look at your general experience with how people deal with spills. When someone else spilled, did everyone laugh and gossip about that person? Most likely, they didn't. Spills happen all the time, especially at parties where people are carrying food and drinks. The general rule about spills is that they are usually cleaned up quickly without much fuss.

3.Think about alternate explanations. What you expect is only one possibility. There are also many other possibilities for why something happens. For instance, if a friend from summer camp stops e-mailing you, you might think he or she has decided you are not a good friend. However, there are many other possibilities. He or she simply may be very busy or maybe he or she has forgotten that you wrote last.

4.Practice role reversal. This is one of the best methods for realizing how critical you are of yourself. Pretend that whatever you fear actuall

How to Perform Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Make sure you are wearing loose clothing and that you remove your shoes. Sit in a comfortable chair with your body fully supported.
First, tense all the muscles in the area you are targeting. Concentrate on how tight they feel. Next, relax the muscles that were just tensed. Imagine they have turned to jelly and concentrate on how limp and loose they feel. When that muscle group is completely relaxed, move on to the next area. It is recommended that you work all the major muscle groups in your body, listed as follows. When you have finished, keep your eyes closed for a few seconds, then get up slowly.

-Right foot
-Right calf and foot
-Entire right leg
-Left foot
-Left calf and foot
-Entire left leg
-Right hand
-Right forearm and hand
-Entire right arm
-Left hand
-Left forearm and hand
-Entire left arm
-Face
-Neck and shoulders
-Abdomen
-Chest

How to Perform Visualization

To practice visualization, sit in a comfortable position and relax any muscle tension. Once you feel relaxed, begin to visualize a pleasant scene. Imagine every aspect of the scene, using all of your senses. For instance, if you visualize sitting on a beach watching the ocean waves lapping against the shore, imagine first what the scene looks like, then imagine how the sand feels on your bare feet. Take a deep breath and imagine how the clean ocean air smells and tastes. Next, listen for the sounds of the waves and seagulls.
As you become more involved with your mental picture, your body will relax and you will be able to let go of your worrisome thoughts. It often helps to make positive, affirmative statements, such as "I feel calm and relaxed," while practicing to block negative thoughts more effectively. You could picture also an image that represents the tension you feel when you begin, such as a kite that is stuck in a tree getting more and more tangled. As you become relaxed, imagine the string loosening and the kite becoming free and soaring in the sky.
With practice, you will be able to use this technique to help yourself relax whenever you feel distressed.

Lori spent last Thanksgiving at her best friend Haley's house. Most of the members of Haley's large, extended family were there. Everyone was talking at once, the children were running around, and Lori felt completely overwhelmed. It was so different fro

Visualization

One way to calm your mind is to replace your maladaptive thoughts with a relaxing, happy scene. You probably can remember a place where the scenery completely relaxed you--maybe it was at the beach or in your backyard, lying in a hammock. In visualization, you focus on this calming memory.

Paced Breathing

People who experience anxiety often breathe improperly. They take shallow breaths from their chests instead of deep breaths from their diaphragms. (The diaphragm is the muscle that separates your chest cavity from your abdominal cavity and that makes it possible for you to inhale and exhale.)
Breathing from the chest can cause you to hyperventilate, which has a negative effect on your body's chemistry. Hyperventilation does not only mean panting or gasping for air; it also includes yawning, holding your breath, and sighing. The symptoms of hyperventilation are similar to those associated with anxiety: shortness of breath, lightheadedness, faintness, tingling or numbness in your fingers and toes, and the feeling that you are walking around in a dream. If you deal with anxiety and begin to hyperventilate, it will make the situation even worse.

Problems in Your Social Life

Social anxiety can make you feel empty and alone. You may feel as though you go through each day like a robot--simply doing only what you need to without drawing attention to yourself. You may feel trapped in an unfulfilling and unsatisfying life.
When you suffer from anxiety, it is difficult to have the courage to change your situation. However, trying to get through life without the support of others is tough. The longer you live without creating fulfilling relationships, the more difficult it will be to make them in the future.