Arthur Mathews Quotes

I never met anyone who gets up out of their bed after a night on the town and says, 'Oh I wish I'd had another drink last night. That would have been a great idea

In my experience, when people take offence at something, it is invariably because they know that there is a large grain of truth in what has offended them. Otherwise, why would they complain about it?

His cottage in Gweedore was made completely out of turf. This puzzled me, as a turf fire burned constantly in the grate, and I could never understand why the entire cottage didn't catch fire.

I told him that when I was young I had seen two dogs copulating in a field, and whenever I contemplate myself having intercourse, this was the image that automatically came into my head.

Nowadays, we are all very familiar with the newsreels of the period showing the brave troops frantically waving their hankies from trains and smiling excitedly at the cameras. It just somehow didn't occur to people at the time, least of all the soldiers, that anyone would end up getting killed, despite the fact that the event had been plainly billed as a war.

I have always thought foreigners with their unusual skin colours, mad languages and ignorant customs absolutely hilarious, and I think it's a shame that in recent years its become unfashionable to poke fun at them. I certainly don't think they themselves ever minded it.

My best man, of course, was Gloinn...who accompanied us on our honeymoon to Kildare...often popping into the marital bed with myself and Noreen when the winter nights got particularly cold. Once, while I was in the lavatory at the end of the corridor outside the bedroom, he tried to have sex with Noreen. I was a bit annoyed with him at first, but when he told me that it was Noreen who had led him on, I accepted his explanation immediately. Over the years, I have often wondered if Gloinn was being slightly disingenuous about this, as Noreen has the sexual urges of a corpse.