Ya Humor Quotes

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya. ~ George Carlin

After all, whistling put everyone at ease. Unless it was a funeral dirge. But he didn't want to think about that." Montague. ~ M.H. Snowy

My uncle Steve showed me this site, So ........ I gotta' go - See Ya!! ~ Ronald Johnson

Think Pickelman's our guy?'
'Maybe. Or maybe he knows who is. Or maybe he's guilty of something else.'
'Glad you could narrow it down,' Bailey replied.
'Always here for ya. ~ Marcia Clark

My phone started flashing on the bed. I looked at the screen, then looked up. "Fuck."
"Who is it?" Negin frowned. "Why do you look so scared?"
"Oh my god, is it ISIS?" Frankie yelled.
"Yes, it's ISIS," Negin yelled back. "They always phone Phoebe before they strike. ~ Tom Ellen

It's like a jolt of electric, but worse. ~ Lee Davidson

Why do I have to do the sewin'? 'Cause I'm a girl? Is that it? It ain't fair, I tell ya! ~ Sean Cullen

Life lesson 3, If someone of the same gender says something like, "Silly Willy", or "ohhohyou stop that big boy/little lady", all you need to do is BOOK IT MAN, RUN AS FAST AS YO FACE'LL TAKE YA! ~ John Hankins

He had good children and he raised them fine. All doing well -maybe except Joe ... they're talking about sending him to college, but all the rest are fine. ~ John Steinbeck

Zorro pulled her into his arms and crushed her against his body, kissing her soundly on the mouth.
"My, what a big sword you have, sir," she said, sweeping her hand over his sheathed sword.
"I'm fully armed," he said, "with that and more. ~ Terry Spear

I resisted the urge to hurl my plate at him. Of course not, Ian. It's just that normally at this hour, Bones and I are fucking like rabbits, so I get twitchy when I have to wait for him to climb aboard. ~ Jeaniene Frost

Why's it so sunny?" she repeated.
Zooey observed her rather narrowly. "I bring the sun wherever I go, buddy," he said. ~ J.D. Salinger

Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection." He paused to reconsider that. "Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try." (Adrian) ~ Richelle Mead

Morris Weissman [on the phone, discussing casting for his movie]: What about Claudette Colbert? She's British, isn't she? She sounds British. Is she, like, affected or is she British? ~ Julian Fellowes

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. ~ Daniel Tosh

The problem starts at the secondary level, not with the originator or developer of the idea but with the people who are attracted to it, who adopt it, who cling to it until their last nail breaks, and who invariably lack the overview, flexibility, imagination, and, most importantly, sense of humor, to maintain it in the spirit in which it was hatched. Ideas are made by masters, dogma by disciples, and the Buddha is always killed on the road. ~ Tom Robbins

Believe in your dreams for that is what makes you magical. ~ Deborah Sue Crews

It does no good to bark at the television,
I said. I've tried it too. So he stopped. ~ Mary Oliver

You can never tell about a person by guessing ... that's why language was invented. Otherwise, we'd all be like dogs, sniffing each other to find out where we stood. ~ Alice Hoffman

As the old saying goes: if you teach a man to fish, he will feed himself for a lifetime. But if you just give him a fishing pole, he'll have to teach himself. ~ Zechariah Barrett

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations. ~ Bill Watterson

When we passed a Catholic church, I recalled, he said, You think your dad's a good chemist? They're turning soda crackers into meat in there. Can your dad do that? ~ Kurt Vonnegut

The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

I tend to deal with most issues with humor ... always have and always will. ~ Gordon Gee

I think it would be cool if we wore suits while we committed these violent acts of retribution. Not fancy suits. No. Cheap suits that we won't mind ruining. Then if we're caught by the police, well, think how amazing we'll look! All bloody and torn and grizzled.
Plus, suits look official. They would add an air of credibility to our campaign of blood drenched disproportionate responses. ~ Joey Comeau

If Slater were someone else, Kevin would merely be the poor victim of a horrible plot. Unless he was killed by Slater, in which case he would be the dead victim of a horrible plot ~ Ted Dekker

Happy Birthday To Steph, You're a Hoe with Big Breasts, so take the Night off from Hooking ... If ya Smell what The Rock's cooking! ~ Dwayne Johnson

Here lies clever Trevor;
Truth was not his friend.
He lied until the end;
Now, he'll lie forever. ~ Esther Spurrill Jones

I don't think that God cares about what you think. It's the actions that count. Actually He doesn't care what you do as long as you keep Him in mind. ~ Art Hochberg

You have to watch your language. People will think you have no fucking class ~ Lani Diane Rich

Chong said, 'Do yourself a favor, Morg. Next time you're staring at a girl's boobs, look up. You'll be shocked to learn it, but there's going to be a face up there. Nose, mouth, eyes. And behind the eyes is an actual person. ~ Jonathan Maberry

Make everything an adventure. Otherwise, it will suck. ~ Nita Morgan

Although I don't use it nearly so much anymore, I've decided, five years down the line, that Mr. Treadstone's verdict on 'kind of' was kind of unjust. Obviously, this phrase can be redundant or reductive, or just plain stupid in some sentences, but not in all sentences. I wouldn't, for example, use a sentence like 'Antarctica is kind of cold', or 'Hitler was kind of evil'. But sometimes, things aren't black and white. And sometimes 'kind of' expresses this better than any other phrase. For example, when I tell you that my mother was kind of peculiar, I can think of no better way of putting this. ~ Gavin Extence

If you look at 'The Best Man,' there's a lot of humor in that, but I never consider that movie a comedy. I felt that it was a drama with comedic elements and comedic parts to it. ~ Malcolm D. Lee

Collin! What a gorgeous name. Then again his name could have been Cracker Jack and I would have thought it was just as wonderful. ~ Nicole Gulla

Her mum is leaning against the wall, arms crossed, when Summer exits. "Gage left from here a few minutes ago," she says, tone neutral. "His hair was ruffled." She gestures with her hand above her head.
The haze Gage left Summer in vanishes. She frowns.
Her mum sighs and steps forward. Smooths her daughter's hair. "If he hurts you," she says in a mild tone, "I'll kill him. ~ Laura Kreitzer

Gideon, you old dog, you have taken a mate," the Prince accused with humor sparkling from those fathomless eyes. "And I believe she finds me quite attractive."
Gideon heard Legna gasp in shock and tried to repress a feral smile as he became aware of the burning blush she sprouted.
"I would not cross that particular line even as a joke, Damien," Gideon warned him smoothly.
"My apologies. I could not resist." Damien looked steadily into Gideon's eyes for a moment. "She must be young, not to realize I would be able to read her presence within your mind."
"She is young, but I would not underestimate her if I were you. ~ Jacquelyn Frank

I'm not for gratuitous nudity, but if there's humor, I don't have a problem. ~ Rebecca Romijn

That's what families are for, don't ya know? To love each other to death, all the while ripping their hearts out. ~ Lisa Jackson

Looks like Faye's doing a little extracurricular activity," a voice behind her murmured, and Cassie turned gratefully. Nick nodded at the guy who was occupying the seat there, and the guy scrambled up and left. Cassie hardly noticed the occurrence, it was so common. The kids from Crowhaven Road indicated what they wanted, and the outsiders gave it to them. Always. It was the way things worked.
Nick sat in the vacated chair and took out a pack of cigarettes. He opened it,
shook one forward. Then he noticed Cassie.
Cassie was staring at him with her eyebrows lifted, her best Diana expression on. Disapproval radiating from her like heat waves.
"Ah," Nick said. He glanced at the cigarettes, then at her again. He tapped the protruding cigarette back into place and tucked the pack in his pocket.
"Bad habit," he said. ~ L.J.Smith

The P-38 WWII Nazi handgun looks comical lying on the breakfast table next to a bowl of oatmeal. ~ Matthew Quick

All lines are gray in the dark. ~ Nenia Campbell