Wry Humor Quotes

You let the cops in. Thy've brought in a ram to take down the front door. A white chick in an evening gown will settle the cops faster than a brother with guns. ~ Faith Hunter

She feels a little sad. Is she sad? Helen considers an alternative: She is dehydrated. ~ Meg Howrey

What is your name?" he repeated - no demanded.
My hackles raised. "It's Mindya Business."
"That's exceedingly ...lame," he retorted.

"Trinity Lynn Marrow!" Misha called out. "I swear to Jesus, girl, when I get my hands on you..."
Drawing up short I closed my eyes.
"I'll admit I didn't expect to find out that soon." Wry humor dripped from Zayne's tone. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Going somewhere?" Tamlin asked. His voice was not entirely of this world.
I suppressed a shudder. "Midnight snack," I said, and I was keenly aware of every movement, every breath I took as I neared him.
His bare chest was painted with whorls of dark blue woad, and from the smudges in the paint, I knew exactly where he'd been touched. I tried not to notice that they descended past his muscled midriff.
I was about to pass him when he grabbed me, so fast that I didn't see anything until he had me pinned against the wall. The cookie dropped from my hand as he grasped my wrists. "I smelled you," he breathed, his painted chest rising and falling so close to mine. "I searched for you, and you weren't there."
He reeked of magic. When I looked into his eyes, remnants of power flickered there. No kindness, none of the wry humor and gentle reprimands. The Tamlin I knew was gone.
"Let go," I said as evenly as I could, but his claws punched out, imbedding in the wood above my hands. Still riding the magic, he was half-wild.
"You drove me mad," he growled, and the sound trembled down my neck, along my breasts until they ached. "I searched for you, and you weren't there. When I didn't find you," he said, bringing his face closer to mine, until we shared breath, "it made me pick another."
I couldn't escape. I wasn't entirely sure that I wanted to.
"She asked me not to be gentle with her, either," he snarled, his teeth bright in the moonlight. He brough ~ Sarah J. Maas

It is perhaps beside the point to remark that bowling alleys and supermarkets have nursery facilities, while schools and colleges and scientific laboratories and government offices do not. ~ Betty Friedan

The cure for writer's block is writer's cramp. ~ Inigo DeLeon

I was sorry he had not a cat, or a young dog, or better still, an old dog. But all he had to offer in the way of dumb companions was a pink and grey parrot. He used to try and teach it to say, Nihil in intellectu, etc. These first three words the bird managed well enough, but the celebrated restriction was too much for it, all you heard was a series of squawks. ~ Samuel Beckett

Well, how did you die, then?" the old man finally asked.
"Die?" Matthew threw back. "Are you crazy? I'm not dead. I'm just very late. ~ J. Tonzelli

As the proverb said, "Think in the morning, Act in the noon, Eat in the evening, Sleep in the night." Too late for thinking now. Too early for eating. ~ Orson Scott Card

My other chore is to buy a tree- a thankless task. The only truly well-proportioned Christmas trees are the ones they use in advertisements. If you try and find one in real life you face inevitable disapointment. Your tree will lean to the left or the right. It will be too bushy at the base, or straggly at the top. Even if you do, by some miracle, find a perfect tree, if won't fit in the car and by the time you strap it to the rooftop and drive it home the branches are broken and twisted out of shape. You
wrestle it through the door, gagling on pine needles and sweating profusely, only to hear the maddening question from countless Christmases past: 'Is that really the best one you could find? ~ Michael Robotham

Ramona chuckled as she picked up her basket and pruning shears. "You, my dear, are wasted out here where no one but the servants are subject to your wry humor and intelligence." I grinned. ~ L.R. Olson

I wonder what Proust would have made of our present-day locus of collective fantasy, the Internet. I'm guessing he would have seized on its wistful aspect, pointing out gently and with wry humor that much of what beguiles us is the act of reaching for what isn't there. ~ Jennifer Egan

Quite suddenly she understood the impulse that caused men to engage in casual blasphemy. ~ Diana Gabaldon

Is she good company, able to laugh at herself, or a witty conversationalist? Has she any intelligence in her pretty head?'
'Yes, definitely. All of the above,' Abigail replied. 'And she has read Pride and Prejudice three times, Sense and Sensibility twice, and Mansfield Park only once.'
The woman's eyes glinted with wry humor. 'That is in her favor, indeed. I can tell you are an excellent judge of character, Miss Foster. ~ Julie Klassen

Facing Erienne, Christopher favored her with a lopsided grin. "I suppose this means I won't be welcomed here again?"
"Get out! And don't ever darken this door again!" she cried, fighting tears of anger and humiliation. Her lips curling with contempt, she gave him a scathing perusal. "Were a twisted, scar-faced, hunchbacked cripple the only other man on earth, I would surely choose him over you!"
Christopher let his gaze glide down her. "As for me, Erienne, were you cast down before me, I would not be wont to cross over you to get to some broad bovine." He smiled in wry humor as his eyes met hers again. " 'Twould be pure foolishness to spite myself for the sake of pride."
"Out!" The word was spat from her lips with vengeance as her arm thrust out in the direction of the door.

-Christopher & Erienne ~ Kathleen E. Woodiwiss

You know why I've survived in this job, year after year, lousy assignment after lousy assignment, with no counseling whatsoever? Because I have a keen appreciation of the ludicrous. Also because I have no choice. ~ Kage Baker

Josh Hanagarne has an astonishing story to tell, and he does so with insight, humor, grace, and wonder. All human beings suffer and struggle. Through the lens of his own miraculous experiences, Mr. Hanagarne illuminates the path to joy and the infinite possibilities of transcendence. ~ Melanie Rae Thon

Horace appears in good humor while he censures, and therefore his censure has the more weight, as supposed to proceed from judgment and not from passion. ~ Edward Young

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through! ~ George Lopez

See, there's this place called an Apple Store and I qwnr rhwew, picked one out. They didn't have any stock.' He paused as if to make sure I was following him, and all I could do was stare. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast ~ Josh Stern

Sticking a straw up your butt won't get rid of the constipation. ~ Jess H

You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve. ~ Al Swearengen

How did you . . . pass the time?' Sunday asked. 'You couldn't just ching out of it, could you?'

'We had a different form of chinging,' Eunice said. 'An earlier type of virtual-reality technology, much more robust and completely unaffected by time lag. You may have heard of it. We called it "reading". ~ Alastair Reynolds

The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense. ~ Jacob Riis

That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping. ~ Bill Cosby

I need COFFEE to help me change the things I can ... and WINE to help me accept the things I can't! ~ Tanya Masse

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it. ~ Terry Pratchett

Once I saw Paris Hilton leaving a restaurant in Hollywood and the paparazzi cameras were all over her. It looked so unpleasant. It wasn't because she didn't look sensational - she was that perfect combination of fashionable and slutty - it was because the paparazzi guys were shouting these insanely rude and intrusive questions at her. Like, asking her who she was sleeping with and stuff. I was kind of interested in the answer, so I was glad they asked, but it was still gross. ~ Mindy Kaling

Humor is a necessary part of wisdom; it gives perspective; it frees the spirit. - ROSE FITZGERALD KENNEDY I ~ Jean Kennedy Smith

Are You Ready for New Urban Fragrances?

Yeah, I guess I'm ready, but listen:

Perfume is a disguise. Since the middle ages, we have worn masks of fruit and flowers in order to conceal from ourselves the meaty essence of our humanity. We appreciate the sexual attractant of the rose, the ripeness of the orange, more than we honor our own ripe carnality.

Now today we want to perfume our cities, as well; to replace their stinging fumes of disturbed fossils' sleep with the scent of gardens and orchards. Yet, humans are not bees any more than they are blossoms. If we must pull an olfactory hood over our urban environment, let it be of a different nature.

I want to travel on a train that smells like snowflakes.

I want to sip in cafes that smell like comets.

Under the pressure of my step, I want the streets to emit the precise odor of a diamond necklace.

I want the newspapers I read to smell like the violins left in pawnshops by weeping hobos on Christmas Eve.

I want to carry luggage that reeks of the neurons in Einstein's brain.

I want a city's gases to smell like the golden belly hairs of the gods.

And when I gaze at a televised picture of the moon, I want to detect, from a distance of 239,000 miles, the aroma of fresh mozzarella. ~ Tom Robbins

I can't wait to be eighty. So I can shock people by saying "rim job" in casual conversation. ~ Lena Dunham

When someone doesn't want to change then there is nothing you can do to change them. And, when someone wants to change there is nothing you can do to stop them. ~ Marnie Kay

Eriskigal, or as some say it, Erishkigal, is Morgan le Fay, Kali, Persephone, and Hel.'
'She's Hel all right,' Jarrah muttered. ~ Michael Grant

Mom stood over the still thrashing ghost with the bat and brought it down on its head again and again. "Leave him alone, leave my family alone!" she screamed. "We are not going to die in a stupid gas station in the middle of nowhere! ~ C.A. Marshall

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.. ~ Steven Wright

You look tired," Rachel told Jason.
"I wish I could jog and sleep at the same time."
"Can't you?" Ferrin asked, joining them at the little cascade. "I always imagined that you could sleep rolling down a mountainside in a barrel."
"I probably could today," Jason conceded. ~ Brandon Mull

I'm not looking for the perfect man. I'm looking for the man whose imperfections I can put up with. ~ Devon Ashley

Few things are more agreeable than the spectacle of a man who loses his temper; we should be grateful to such people for providing us with moments of often unsullied delight. ~ Harold Nicolson

Don't let your girlfriend cut your hair! ~ Stephen Colbert

I'm not really sure what makes a book a 'classic' to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end. ~ Jeff Kinney

It must be around forty, when you're "over the hill." I don't even know what that means and why it's a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I'm past the hard part and there's a snack in my future. That's a good thing as far as I'm concerned. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

Just don't eat all of it," Ram fusses. "It could be tampered with. You should show it to your dad first, he'll know
"
"Ram has Seahorse Syndrome," Sahara tells me wisely.
"What's that?" I ask.
"In seahorses the dad's the one who gets pregnant and has babies. We learned about it in life science class. Ram thinks he's a mother hen. So he must be a seahorse. ~ Rose Christo

Rico laughed a little, feeling helpless. "Is your life always this ... I don't know-"
"Tide of chaos washing ashore on the beach of what the fuck? Yesh. ~ Amy Lane

He dislikes even to touch these things, for they are the runes of an idiotic but nevertheless potent and evil magic; the magic of the think-machine gods, whose cult has one dogma - we cannot make a mistake. ~ Christopher Isherwood

When she shines we all bask in her happiness, but when the thunderstorms come in, let me warn you, find a faraway hiding hole. Dorothy Broadbelt, lady in waiting to Queen Elizabeth 1. ~ Suzanne Crowley

Whenever your in shit theres an asshole behind it. ~ Tony Arauz

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" ~ Henny Youngman

Im sorry it's just a little case of PMS that's all ... Im just one big emotional wreck ... Could you guys go get me some Midol and a Snicker ~ Shawn Wayans

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use? ~ Paul Harvey

I've got daughters. Nine years old and six years old. First of all, I'm gonna teach them about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them PUNISHED with a baby. ~ Barack Obama

Yeah, and if I have to choose between being eaten by the Endarkened and telling my Da I'm a Wildmage, I'm not sure which I'd pick. ~ Mercedes Lackey

Why?"
"Because ... because he's so tall," Mindy explained, like height was proof of good character. "And did I mention European?"
"Yes. It's so much better to be stalked by a tall European that an American of average height. ~ Beth Fantaskey