Workplace Humour Quotes

#1. Only the great warriors fall down from their horses; one would not fall who rides a donkey cart. - Author: Waheed Ibne Musa

#2. I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. It's the way I take them OFF that makes me better than you. - Author: Jessica Park

#3. So how big an interest have you been taking in the Pilgrimage?' 'Big. That idiot Ethan really could trigger the end of the galaxy. I'd have to move.' 'How terrible. - Author: Peter F. Hamilton

#4. It was possibly the most circumspect advance in the history of military manoeuvres, right down at the bottom end of the scale that things like the Charge of the Light Brigade are at the top of. - Author: Terry Pratchett

#5. I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does.
"How's it hanging?" Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez! - Author: Barry Lyga

#6. If you want the extra-ordinary, you've got to be willing to forsake the ordinary' - Annie Grimes in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots - Author: D.M. Lee

#7. At the zoo, I stood in front of the primate cage listening to a woman marvel at how "presidential" the four-hundred-pound gorilla looked sitting astride a shorn oaken limb, keeping a watchful eye over his caged brood. When her boyfriend, his finger tapping the informational placard, pointed out the "presidential" silverback's name coincidentally was Baraka, the woman laughed aloud, until she saw me, the other four-hundred-pound gorilla in the room, stuffing something that might have been the last of a Big Stick Popsicle or a Chiquita banana in my mouth. - Author: Paul Beatty

#8. Of course I'm smart. What were you expecting-'Lordy, Mr. Lawyer Man, I don't know nuthin' 'bout filin' no injunction'? Please, Alayna muttered. - Author: Karyn Langhorne Folan

#9. The Greeks believed that it was a citizen's duty to watch a play. It was a kind of work in that it required attention, judgement, patience, all the social virtues."
"And the Greek were conquered by the more practical Romans, Arthur."
"Indeed, the Romans built their bridges, but they also spent many centuries wishing they were Greeks. And they, after all, were conquered by the barbarians, or by their own corrupt and small spirits. - Author: Timberlake Wertenbaker

#10. But there's magic too. You'll pick that up. It don't take much intelligence, otherwise wizards wouldn't be able to do it. - Author: Terry Pratchett

#11. Sadie was full of crap at the best of times, and in an institution where laxatives were traded like cigarettes in jail, that was really saying something. - Author: James Dawson

#12. He could tell Fleming he was a musician but he could not communicate what the music said to him or said to the people he played it for. The music told itself, it made some obscure connection for which there were no words. The music was its own story, but a man could dip into the vast reservoir of folk and blues lines and phrases and images and construct his own story: though upon performing it and without it losing any relevance to his own life it now belonged to the audience as well. It was something he could not fathom. The old songs with juryrigged verses like bodies cobbled up out of bones from a thousand skeletons. Songs about death and lost love and rambling down the line because sometimes down the line was the only place left. Songs that treated the most desperate of loss with a dark sardonic humour. "I'm going where the climate suits my clothes", the song said, not saying the frustration and despair that created it, saying that in the sheer lonesomeness of the sound, in the old man's driving banjo. There was an eerie timelessness about it that said it could have been written a thousand years ago, or it could have been an unfinished song about events that had not yet played themselves out. - Author: William Gay

#13. Do you always play this hard to get?"
"I wish I could afford to play hard to get. You women have wised up a lot in the last decade or so. None of my old lines work anymore."
"You mean 'wanna get naked' doesn't have women falling all over you?"
Mac peered at her over the top of the menu.
"Hey, that's my best one."
"I'd hate to hear your worst."
Yeah, you would. He set the menu down and leaned in as though about to say something confidential. "I crash and burn a lot."
Mac and Rachel. - Author: Suzie Quint

#14. Yes ... I miss that everyone in Ireland tries to knock some humour out of every situation. I don't think I appreciated that. It's unique to Ireland. - Author: Deirdre O'Kane

#15. It is Sunday afternoon, preferably before the war. The wife is already asleep in the armchair, and the children have been sent out for a nice long walk. You put your feet up on the sofa, settle your spectacles on your nose, and open the News of the World. Roast beef and Yorkshire, or roast pork and apple sauce, followed up by suet pudding and driven home, as it were, by a cup of mahogany-brown tea, have put you in just the right mood. Your pipe is drawing sweetly, the sofa cushions are soft underneath you, the fire is well alight, the air is warm and stagnant. In these blissful circumstances, what is it that you want to read about?
Naturally, about a murder. - Author: George Orwell

#16. Mr. Frederick Parker spent a good deal of his time in endeavouring to mask, under a cloak of boisterous good humour, a really remarkable combination of malevolence and imbecility. - Author: Norman Douglas

#17. He had done regular live concerts from San Quentin jail until the civil rights people got him under the Cruel and Unusual Punishment clause. - Author: Terry Pratchett

#18. Did god make man too perfect,
So that a piece has to be removed
through circumcision? - Author: A.J. Beirens

#19. Hey, the ubiquitous Leak-Cam is to 2010 as the bottom-of-the-screen news ticker was to late 2001: What you're seeing beneath the news anchor or talking head may not actually include any new information, but you feel like you're watching something dramatic. - Author: Jim Geraghty

#20. Look here, old sport," he broke out surprisingly. "What's your opinion of me, anyhow?" A little overwhelmed, I began the generalized evasions which that question deserves. - Author: F Scott Fitzgerald

#21. Best that all mischief be undertaken behind a squeaky door - Author: Benny Bellamacina

#22. Besides, take away self-interest and you condemn the species to extinction, that's my motto! - Author: X

#23. Fuck me,' I said to Toby. 'We're living in Isengard. - Author: Ben Aaronovitch

#24. The definition of Brevity: That which people believe would be a virtue - in me! - Author: Greg Curtis

#25. Xav sprinkled olive oil on his lettuce. 'Lola was very particular that it all had to fit properly.'
'Lola?' squeaked Diamond. I wanted to warn her not to rise to the bait Xav was dangling in front of her but it was too late.
Xav added some Parmesan and pepper. 'Suspicious, Diamond? You should be. This is a bachelor party I'm organizing, not a school outing, and it is going to tick all of Trace's boxes. Lola is either a very efficient water sports instructor or an exotic dancing girl; I'll leave it your imagination.'
I rolled my eyes at Diamond. 'Myabe she's both. I mean the guys will really go for that, I guess. Don't worry,Di, Luigi and his crew will not disappoint us girls.' Luigi was in fact Contessa Nicoletta's little bespectacled chef with whom I had been consulting about the menu for Friday, but the Benedicts weren't to know that. 'He has promised to provide something suitably spicy for our tastes. - Author: Joss Stirling

#26. He does possess a penetrating sense of humour. At the end of one briefing in Mexico, when Nigel Mansell had let the world know that he was suffering seriously from uncontrollable diarrhoea and needed to interrupt practice several times on this account, Prost drily asked Roland Bruynseraede, 'If Nigel has to come in during the race will you show a brown flag? - Author: Sid Watkins

#27. If you can identify humor in problems then you will have less difficulties in solving them ... Most importantly, "you should be able to laugh on yourself". - Author: Honeya

#28. You've got to admit it's a bit of a pantomime, though," said Crawly. "I mean, pointing out the Tree and saying 'Don't Touch' in big letters. Not very subtle, is it? I mean, why not put it on top of a high mountain or a long way off? Makes you wonder what He's really planning. - Author: Neil Gaiman

#29. What would friendship entail?

Well, on Wednesdays, we sacrifice a cat to Satan - Author: Roshani Chokshi

#30. Where do rumors come from, Sir Kofa?" i was truly curious to know the answer.
"Where don't they come from? I suppose the majority of rumors are a combination of leaked information and the astouding imaginations of numerous storytellers. And, of course, the hope that things aren't really as boring as they seem on the surface. - Author: Max Frei

#31. JOIN THE CIRCUS OF CHAOS ... juggling, stilt walking, and other skills for socially acceptable procrastination. - Author: Pat Murphy

#32. Well we were lucky because we started in Canada where everybody has a sense of humour! We flirted a little while with Josh Groban. He was personally interested in it. He said oh I'd love to do something different, and I said well it's pretty different! But in the end the dates didn't work out. - Author: Eric Idle

#33. Christianity on HP - Buy now, Pray later - Author: Jonathan Aitken

#34. There are 25 differences in the way women and men behave in the workplace. These 25 differences lead to men receiving higher pay and women having better lives or at least more balanced lives. - Author: Warren Farrell

#35. It was a relationship based on cunning, connivingness, and capitalism. - Author: Laura May

#36. I like to think that even with some of the more intense ones sometimes there is humour in there, you try to make a complete human being, whether the guy is good or bad. - Author: Ray Liotta

#37. Edward shifted from one foot to the other, then headed to one of the younger knights from Carrick, leading his horse and their father's white mare. 'Sir Duncan, will you hold the horses?' 'That's your task, Master Edward,' chided the knight.
John de Warenne had ascended the platform beside Bishop Bek and was addressing the assembly. There were more men than benches and those who hadn't found a place had crowded in behind. Robert could no longer see his father and grandfather. He glanced round as Edward spoke again.
'Please, Duncan.' 'Why?' Edward paused. 'If you do, I won't tell my father you once tried to kiss Isabel.' The knight laughed. 'Your sister? I've never even spoken to her.' 'My father doesn't know that.' 'You're jesting,' said the knight, but his smile had disappeared. Edward didn't respond. The young knight's face tightened, but he held out his hand to take the reins. 'Wherever you're going, you had better be back here before the earl. - Author: Robyn Young

#38. Right then, in a nutshell: this one hasn't a single bone of obedient-little-wife material in her heavenly body.'
'Hasn't she? Then what kind of bone does your expertise detect?'
Fermin came closer, adopting a confidential tone. 'The passionate kind,' he said, raising his eyebrows with an air of mystery. 'And you can be sure I mean that as a compliment. - Author: Carlos Ruiz Zafon

#39. If you don't remove your hands immediately, I will render you unable to biologically maintain life. - Author: Kaede Kouchi

#40. Just then there came the wheezy sound of an accordion. It was an odd little tune that, had he been alive exactly one hundred and fifty years later, the scarf-wearing pirate would have recognized as the first few bars from 'Theme to Murder, She Wrote'. - Author: Gideon Defoe

#41. Vimes' glare ran from face to face, causing most of the squad to do an immediate impression of the Floorboard and Ceiling Inspectors Synchronised Observation Team. - Author: Terry Pratchett