Witty Funny Quotes

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself. ~ Oscar Wilde

Money and women. They're two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn't do for anything else. Same with money. ~ Satchel Paige

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. ~ Casey Stengel

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. ~ Igor Stravinsky

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. ~ Marilyn Vos Savant

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

This makes me so sore it gets my dandruff up. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

At once, it's clear I cannot gush. We try me playing cocky, but I just don't have the arrogance. Apparently, I'm too "vulnerable" for ferocity. I'm not witty. Funny. Sexy. Or mysterious By the end of the session, I am no one at all. ~ Suzanne Collins

Between funny and witty
Falls the shadow ~ Stephen Fry

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up. ~ Charles M. Schulz

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have! ~ Groucho Marx

It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint'
-archy the cockroach ~ Don Marquis

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. ~ Henny Youngman

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? ~ George Carlin

When people are missing out in their choices and cannot make a distinction between cheery, witty, funny, filthy or scurrilous walks of life, they will have a hard time to inhabit a pleasing and enriching life; and to integrate into a world of understanding and recognition. ("Love lying fallow " ) ~ Erik Pevernagie

Friends from America!(Translation:"Tourist with Money")Look this way! ~ Amanda Hudson

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ~ Helen Hayes

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one. ~ Marcus Porcius Cato

Whether I'm writing a novel about a guy mourning the death of his father or whether I'm writing a show about people killing each other, you want to hear characters speak and be funny and witty. ~ Jonathan Tropper

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. ~ Phyllis Diller

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed. ~ George Carlin

Tell them to stand closer apart. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. ~ Christopher Isherwood

Only love will attract love."~ Amunhotep El Bey ~ Amunhotep El Bey

If even dying is to be made a social function, then, grant me the favor of sneaking out on tiptoe without disturbing the party. ~ Dag Hammarskjold

Pretty people don't keep comedies on the air. Funny people keep comedies on the air. ~ Allison Jones

My father was not a failure. After all, he was the father of a president of the United States. ~ Harry S. Truman

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! ~ Groucho Marx

In most cases the only difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment. ~ Marc Maron

My dear Natalya Petrovna, there's funny and funny. ~ Ivan Turgenev

Just to travel is rather boring, but to travel with a purpose is educational and exciting. ~ Sargent Shriver

Radical Edwards's profile? He's a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.
-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script ~ Keiko Nobumoto

You need to be funny in a way that people feel like you're trying to make a deeper connection. So that's what I try to do. ~ Drew Magary

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman.
Homer Simpson ~ Matt Groening

Coffee in England is just toasted milk. ~ Christopher Fry

The problem is you make the tricks look good. You are a brilliant acrobat, and a witty comedian. You are skillful. People want a fool to be foolish
trip on banana peels and grin and spout nonsense. These men want fools to make them feel better about themselves, not to remind them what they lack. ~ Kelli Swofford Nielsen

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. ~ Rita Rudner

Rituals were funny things. People thought of them as either elaborate formulas, magic spells, or compulsions drilled into the subconscious by months or years of repetition. But really, ritual was just a fancy word for habit. A thing that became easier to do than not do. And habits were simple - especially bad ones, like letting people in. ~ Victoria Schwab

Life sometimes confuses us by making us discover in someone we hate a quality or qualities we love. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

He's the meanest one. We call him..Byrd the Turd ~ Marthe Jocelyn

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. ~ Rita Rudner

Trust me, there are things in this mountain that will make your jaw bounce off the floor. ~ Jaleigh Johnson

But Phoebe loved her mother best as she was now, wistful, out-of-step, her laugh tinged always with sadness, as if things were only funny in spite of themselves. ~ Jennifer Egan

Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are respectable affairs, after all. ~ Bauvard

Let me tell you something. I'm a funny girl, and I gave birth to what? Funny. I can't help it. It just is what it is, and my kids have been around my antics so long, it kind of rubs off a little bit. So when it comes to what you see, you only see what is really manifesting in our lives at the time. ~ Niecy Nash

Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really. ~ Dave Barry

Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree. ~ Lois Greiman

You're lucky you're good in
bed."
"Oh." He grabbed at my foot. "I think you keep me around for other reasons."
I slanted him a look out of the corner of my eye. "Right now, for the life of me I can't think what those reasons are."
Braden tugged harder on my foot, raising his fingers towards it. "Take it back or the foot getsit."
Oh hell no! I yanked at my appendage.
"Braden, no."
Deaf to my warning, he started to tickle me,his grip tightening as I laughed breathlessly and
kicked out, trying to get free.
He wouldn't stop. Ruthless!
"Braden," I panted hysterically, attempting to shove at him with my arms but struggling as he continued his war on my feet. I laughed harder,
ribs aching, and then… horror.
I broke wind.
Big time.
Braden immediately let go of my feet, his loud, rumbling laugh filling the room, laughter that only deepened when I lost balance, from kicking out
at him and then being abruptly let go, and fell off the couch with an undignified thud.
Mortified as he collapsed against the couch
belly laughing at my fart then fall, I grabbed a cushion and launched it at him from my position on the floor.
Of course this only made the idiot laugh
harder. I warred between feeling humiliation at farting in front of him, something you just didn't do in
company, and laughing, since his was so
infectious. "Braden!" I whined. "Shut up. It's not funny," I huffed, my lips caught i ~ Samantha Young

Funny how life messed with you. ~ Sarah Mlynowski

If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh. ~ Pat Hitchcock

Sometimes I hate the girl I was back then. It's like how, when you see a horror movie, you can't help but feel contempt for the virgin who goes for a walk in the woods after midnight. How can she be so stupid? Doesn't she know she's about to get gruesomely hacked to death?
She should know. That's why it's so hard to watch. Because you want her to know. You want her to defend herself, and you look down on her for not knowing, even though obviously it's the guy who hacks her up who's at fault. ~ Robin York

The only time I get sick of making people laugh is when I'm in a non-writing-joke mode, and I just can't seem to come up with anything new that's funny. That's a tough place to be as a comedian. ~ Bill Burr

Can I brush your hair? she asked as she led the way, her disposition doing a 180 on a dime. Kids. Can't live with 'em. Can't eat 'em for lunch. ~ Darynda Jones

Alien Chutney is just what the name suggests it is. Its music that is so funny and quirky and weird that it feels entirely alien to the listener; yet, the content and the subject matter is so Indian and relatable, it's still chutney. ~ Vir Das

The parrot's so funny. He imitates me and I don't even realize he's doing it. I'm walking around the house talking to myself and whistling and the next day he's said something I've said ... it's scary you know? ~ Mick Ralphs

If he just wanted sex from her, everyone knew the fastest approach to that end was just to enquire bluntly if she was interested. She was either willing to kill some time, or she was too busy killing. ~ Jane Cousins

If someone makes you feel wrong-footed, you're unlikely to find them witty. ~ Rosamund Pike

Funny, I don't particularly care for either "laws" or "order". Liberty is messy. Freedom yields imperfect results. ~ A.E. Samaan

He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand. ~ Charles Dickens

But definitely I was in the zone in the match today. I was still thinking it's the final and I knew the emotions. It's a little bit like Fed Cup when I'm playing in the Czech Republic and I feel the crowd. My stomach is a little bit funny - it's just goosebumps. But when I won the first set, I said to myself, 'Okay, I still have to do the same work.' I was worried I couldn't do it for the whole match, but I did it. ~ Petra Kvitova

The fishing was good; it was the catching that was bad. ~ A. Best

We were at the White House a couple of weeks ago," the man says, "they had a state dinner for Prince Charles and Camilla. Listen, those royals are just the finest people, no pretensions to them whatsoever. You can talk to Prince Charles about anything."
Billy nods. There's a silence. Just in time he asks, "What did you talk about?"
"Hunting," the man answers. ~ Ben Fountain