Wine Jokes Quotes

She loved three things - a joke, a glass of wine, and a handsome man. ~ W. Somerset Maugham

I'm an old man, now. I've been alone since my 17th birthday. I'd wanted to marry, have a bunch of kids, and maybe be a grandpa. The big family around the Thanksgiving table, laughing and pouring wine and cracking jokes and harmlessly teasing the missus - I wanted that. I wanted to do something good with my life - something right. I didn't want what happened to Danny, my best childhood friend, to be the only mark I'd ever make in this world. But I thought it best not to fancy such hopes and dreams: a family, love. I'd been cursed by my best friend, and I thought it right not to inflict that curse on anyone who'd be foolish enough to love me. ~ J. Tonzelli

People think computers are different from people because they don't have minds, even though, in the Turing test, computers can have conversations with people about the weather and wine and what Italy is like, and they can even tell jokes. ~ Mark Haddon

What's going on, Helen?" Polydeuces came up behind us, followed closely by Castor. They'd been working hard down among the oarsmen again, and it was no pleasure to stand too near them on that windless day.
"The usual, from the look of things," Castor said, glancing at Milo's sagging body at the rail. He gave the boy an encouraging pat on the back. "Try to drink something, even if you can't keep your food down, lad," he said. "Shall I bring you a little watered wine?"
Milo lifted his sallow, haggard face and tried to thank my brother for his kindness but had to turn away quickly and spew over the side again.
Polydeuces sighed. "How can he still do that? I haven't seen him eat a bite of food since we boarded. You'd think his gut would be empty by now."
"Maybe it's a sacred mystery and only the gods know the answer," Castor said, smiling. "Like the horn of the she-goat who suckled the infant Zeus, the horn he broke off and blessed as soon as he was king of the gods so that it poured out a never-ending stream of food and drink."
"I always thought it was a strange way to thank the poor beast, breaking off one of her horns, Polydeuces said. "But it's not my place to question the gods." He, too, patted Milo's shivering back and added, "So, boy, how does it feel to be pouring out a never-ending stream of--?"
"Stop that!" I scowled at my brothers as I shooed them away from Milo. "How can you make such jokes in front of him?"
"To be honest, the only t ~ Esther M. Friesner

Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant. ~ Washington Irving

In Memory of M. B.

Here is my gift, not roses on your grave,
not sticks of burning incense.
You lived aloof, maintaining to the end
your magnificent disdain.
You drank wine, and told the wittiest jokes,
and suffocated inside stifling walls.
Alone you let the terrible stranger in,
and stayed with her alone.
Now you're gone, and nobody says a word
about your troubled and exalted life.
Only my voice, like a flute, will mourn
at your dumb funeral feast.
Oh, who would have dared believe that half-crazed I,
I, sick with grief for the buried past,
I, smoldering on a slow fire,
having lost everything and forgotten all,
would be fated to commemorate a man
so full of strength and will and bright inventions,
who only yesterday it seems, chatted with me,
hiding the tremor of his mortal pain. ~ Anna Akhmatova

If God forbade drinking, would He have made wine so good? ~ Cardinal Richelieu

Nothing makes the future look so rosy as to contemplate it through a glass of Chambertin. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

God made only water, but man made wine. ~ Victor Hugo

A gourmet meal without a glass of wine just seems tragic to me somehow. ~ Kathy Mattea

I like best the wine drunk at the cost of others. ~ Diogenes

To take wine into our mouths is to savor a droplet of the river of human history ~ Clifton Fadiman

Enjoy the wine, don't spill the night… ~ Talismanist Giebra

Ah, wine. Wine was my friend. Wine understood me. Wine knew that it was entirely possible to be one hundred percent happy for your sisters and also ten percent jealous, because Wine does not care about mathematics. ~ Melanie Harlow

Wine is to women as duct tape is to men, it fixes EVERYTHING! ~ Tanya Masse

Wine rejoices the heart of man and joy is the mother of all virtues. ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Most people whom you may view as wine experts are usually just good at one thing: winemakers are good at making wine, sommeliers at talking about it, and wine journalists at drinking it for free. ~ Olivier Magny

There must be always wine and fellowship or we are truly lost. ~ Ann Fairbairn

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes. ~ Fred Allen

What is man, when you come to think upon him, but a minutely set, ingenious machine for turning with infinite artfulness, the red wine of Shiraz into urine? ~ Isak Dinesen

Drinking wine was not a snobbism nor a sign of sophistication nor a cult; it was as natural as eating and to me as necessary ... ~ Ernest Hemingway,

White wine is like electricity. Red wine looks and tastes like a liquified beefsteak. ~ James Joyce

Water IS the most important element on the face of the earth, because without water, there would be no WINE and without WINE I would be living in a PADDED CELL! ~ Tanya Masse

The simplest definition of a great bottle of wine is when you feel sad because the bottle is empty. ~ Tony Margiotta

Wine brings to light the hidden secrets of the soul. ~ Horace

People should have fun with wine. A bottle should sit on your dinner table like all of the other condiments. ~ Andre Hueston Mack

It is better to hide ignorance, but it is hard to do this when we relax over wine. ~ Heraclitus

The wine-cup is the little silver well,
Where truth, if truth there be
Doth dwell. ~ William Shakespeare

Best wines with character have abyss within. ~ Talismanist Giebra

O thou invisible spirit of wine, if thou hast no name to be known by, let us call thee devil. ~ William Shakespeare

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected. ~ Bob Hope

Give me books, French wine, fruit, fine weather and a little music played out of doors by somebody I do not know. ~ John Keats

I don't do jokes. The characters are my jokes. ~ Jonathan Winters

Wine knows that having passion for life is an art itself. ~ Talismanist Giebra

The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars. ~ Benjamin Franklin

They have real glasses and real wine of three kinds, namely, blackthorn wine, berberris wine, and cowslip wine, ~ J.M. Barrie

When it comes to picking wine and cutting through the marketing smokes, bottom line is: two things really matter. First is how the grapes were farmed, and second is whether or not you like it. The rest is vastly BS. ~ Olivier Magny

I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one some day. ~ Michael Scott

Wine is just a conversation waiting to happen. ~ Jessica Altieri

Good wine needs neither bush nor preface to make it welcome. And they drank the red wine through the helmet barr'd. ~ Walter Scott

If wine tells truth - and so have said the wise, It makes me laugh to think how brandy lies! ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Is not old wine wholesomest, old pippins toothsomest, old wood burn brightest, old linen wash whitest? Old soldiers, sweethearts, are surest, and old lovers are soundest. ~ John Webster

At the end of the day, it's just grape juice. No one needs anything that I make. The last thing we need is another wine on the shelf. So that just makes me grateful for the people who do enjoy it. ~ Andre Hueston Mack

When you can't handle the heady concoction of wine and women, it's time to pack up your bags and quit. ~ Anurag Shourie

Most wine knowledge does not directly enhance the pleasures to be had in drinking wine but, rather, enhances one's ability to discover such pleasures ~ Kent Bach

Penicillin cures, but wine makes people happy. ~ Alexander Fleming

Wine, like food, is so emotional. If you think about it, so much of the courting ritual is surrounded by wine and food. There's a built-in romance to wine. ~ Padma Lakshmi

Who knows how to taste wine never drinks wine again, but tastes secrets instead ~ Salvador Dali

A bottle of wine begs to be shared; I have never met a miserly wine lover ~ Clifton Fadiman

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. ~ Daniel Tosh

It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes. ~ Wanda Sykes

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out. ~ Robin Williams

To buy very good wine nowadays requires only money. To serve it to your guests is a sign of fatigue. ~ William F. Buckley, Jr.

I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected. ~ Jon Stewart

Drinking wine was not historically limited to people who could afford it. Western and European culture turned it into an elite thing. Winemakers were farmers and field workers. Everyday people. And that's who should enjoy and have access to wine. ~ Andre Hueston Mack

Bacchus, that first from out the purple grape
Crush'd the sweet poison of misused wine. ~ John Milton

The key to enjoying wine isn't just to guzzle a lot of expensive wine, it's to learn about wine. ~ Jen Wilkin

Growing up, my dad drank a lot of wine, so I got a taste for, and learned how to enjoy it. He spoke a lot about flavors and differences in tastes of wine. Also, our manager, Rick Sales, is a big wine drinker; he goes to a lot of wine-tasting classes, and he's taught me about the qualities of wine. ~ Tom Araya

My glass of wine and I are besties. ~ Mila Kunis

Mathematics is a collection of cheap tricks and dirty jokes. ~ Lipman Bers

But a system made secure by the protective plating of humor and pretense always runs the risk of having its protection get out of hand. A relationship based on jokes invites jokes; jokes about anything
and jokes about anything are now and then bound to cut too close to the truth. ~ Ken Kesey

You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job. ~ John Oliver

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving. ~ Emo Philips

Nothing more excellent or valuable than wine was every granted by the gods to man. ~ Plato

Wine gives a man nothing ... it only puts in motion what had been locked up in frost. ~ Samuel Johnson

Jokes are a lot about meaning. I think if we understand what jokes mean and why they work, we'd understand everything else. Genuinely I do. ~ John Lloyd

Do not let friars enter your wine cellars for fear they will bless every barrel and change the wine into blood. ~ John Wycliffe

Wine, it's in my veins and I can't get it out. ~ Burgess Meredith

My life is passed in making bad jokes and seeing them turn into true prophecies. ~ G.K. Chesterton

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou. ~ Omar Khayyam

Give me a bowl of wine. I have not that alacrity of spirit Nor cheer of mind that I was wont to have. ~ William Shakespeare

I am a connoisseur of fine irony. 'Tis a bit like fine wine, but it has a better bite. ~ Lynn Kurland

A typical wine writer was once described as someone with a typewriter who was looking for his name in print, a free lunch, and a way to write off his wine cellar. It's a dated view. Wine writers now use computers. ~ Frank J. Prial

Good wine is good. Great wine is great. More wine is better. ~ Ruth Fertel

Hmmm ... cooking with wine? I usually drink wine while cooking ... I do a good braised short ribs with cabernet, though. We're big red wine drinkers here. All that research showing that it's good for you takes the guilt away. ~ Alafair Burke

There's great wine from Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Chile and, of course, California. But there's nothing like a really great French wine, they're so well balanced. The better the wine, the less you feel the effects I think. ~ Ridley Scott

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. ~ W.C. Fields

Earlier this week Donald Trump gave an interview with CNN at a winery he owns in Virginia. It turns out Trump's winery makes two different kinds of wine: white wine and not-white wine. ~ Jimmy Fallon

Old wine, and an old friend, are good provisions. ~ George Herbert

So I went instead and tasted Taki's new white wine. Spiridion! what a wine ... like the blood of a dragon and smooth as a fish ... ~ Gerald Durrell

Fill the bowl with rosy wine, around our temples roses twine, And let us cheerfully awhile, like wine and roses, smile. ~ Abraham Cowley

No nation is drunken where wine is cheap, and none sober where the dearness of wine substitutes ardent spirits as the common beverage ~ Thomas Jefferson

Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath and a glass of wine ~ Thomas Aquinas

No need for confusion, my dear Mulgrave [ ... ] Beautiful wine and sour vinegar come from exactly the same source. Curiously if one leaves a bottle of wine open for long enough it will become vinegar. Happily in this house wine never survives long enough to go bad. ~ David Gemmell

The best wine comes from home, wherever it is. ~ Kirk Douglas

Fine worries, like fine wines, are at their best only after they have been properly mellowed. ~ Dan Greenburg

It's too much of a drinking culture, everything tastes better with a drink. Like, watch TV: glass of wine. Cooking dinner: glass of champagne. White wine vinegar hasn't got white wine in it. Has it? ~ Amy Winehouse

I rather like bad wine; one gets so bored with good wine. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them! ~ Kathy Lette

If any man gives you a wine you can't bear, don't say it is beastly ... But don't say you like it. You are endangering your soul and the use of wine as well ... Seek out some other wine good to your taste. ~ Hilaire Belloc

There is no wine so sweet as wine taken from a foe. ~ George R R Martin

The Crimean War is one of the bad jokes of history. ~ Philip Guedalla

Lovers drink wine all day and night and tear the veils of the mind.
When drunk with love's wine, body, heart and soul become one. ~ Rumi

Upon the first goblet he read this inscription, monkey wine; upon the second, lion wine; upon the third, sheep wine; upon the fourth, swine wine. These four inscriptions expressed the four descending degrees of drunkenness: the first, that which enlivens; the second, that which irritates; the third, that which stupefies; finally the last, that which brutalizes. ~ Victor Hugo

With wine ideas flow, without ideas wine flows. ~ Michele Jennae

If this was the best wine that Jim and Nora could afford or, worse, if this was their idea of a good wine - well, sadly, then they were better off dead. ~ Dean Koontz

I write in reverse: Rather than come up with a narrative and write jokes for that narrative, I write jokes independently of the narrative, then I try to fit them in. ~ Jeff Kinney

A timely, interesting, educational approach to today's wine picture. Wine still makes a feast out of a meal, but in times of not so plenty we will enjoy a bottle that is more reasonable. This tome is a must-read for wine lovers as well as the trade. ~ Margrit Mondavi

I could smell garlic, butter, and wine - the world's most delicious flavor combination. It made me feel warm, like the first few sips of wine always do. ~ Sarah Jio

The wine I produce is not for keeping. It's the wine you want when meeting friends for a game of cards. ~ Gerard Depardieu