Wine Humor Quotes

When you can't handle the heady concoction of wine and women, it's time to pack up your bags and quit. ~ Anurag Shourie

Most people whom you may view as wine experts are usually just good at one thing: winemakers are good at making wine, sommeliers at talking about it, and wine journalists at drinking it for free. ~ Olivier Magny

The dungeon image helped. "You need to let Maximus go," I stated, my voice stronger now.
"No. Wine? ~ Jeaniene Frost

We need to get acquainted with mediocrity to notice greatness. ~ Olivier Magny

Water IS the most important element on the face of the earth, because without water, there would be no WINE and without WINE I would be living in a PADDED CELL! ~ Tanya Masse

The oil and wine of merry meeting. ~ Washington Irving

I suffer from CLAUSTROPHOBIA, a fear of closed spaces.For example, I'm petrified that the WINE store will be closed before I have time to get there!!! ~ Tanya Masse

I need COFFEE to help me change the things I can ... and WINE to help me accept the things I can't! ~ Tanya Masse

Wine is to women as duct tape is to men, it fixes EVERYTHING! ~ Tanya Masse

CASSIO: Dost thou hear, my honest friend?
CLOWN: No, I hear not your honest friend, I hear you.
CASSIO: Prithee, keep up thy quillets. ~ William Shakespeare

No," I said finally.
"Slowness in Answering," she said into the handheld. "When's the last time you slept?"
"1940" I said promptly, which is the problem with Quickness in Answering. ~ Connie Willis

What shall we do with ... the Jews? ... their homes also should be razed and destroyed. ~ Martin Luther

David Copperfield has no magic in him. I'm talking about Santa flying around the world in one night kind of magic. Pumpkins transformed into coaches kind of magic. ~ Sydney Strand

Emma, okay, enough with the singing. Mommy's getting a three-pill headache. ~ Jeff Abbott

One of my most exciting Saturday nights was just me and a bottle of wine and a crochet book. ~ Jessica Pare

Dory is what Mum used to call a "strong-looking woman," which means that, from the back, she looked like a man, and, from the front, you preferred the back ~ Maggie Stiefvater

One Monday, just for sport, Charlie grabbed an eggplant that a spectacularly wizened granny was going for, but instead of twisting it out of his hand with some mystic kung fu move as he expected, she looked him in the eye and shook her head - just a jog, barely perceptible really - it might have been a tic, but it was the most eloquent of gestures. Charlie read it as saying: O White Devil, you do not want to purloin that purple fruit, for I have four thousand years of ancestors and civilization on you; my grandparents built the railroads and dug the silver mines, and my parents survived the earthquake, the fire, and a society that outlawed even being Chinese; I am mother to a dozen, grandmother to a hundred, and great-grandmother to a legion; I have birthed babies and washed the dead; I am history and suffering and wisdom; I am a Buddha and a dragon; so get your fucking hand off my eggplant before you lose it. ~ Christopher Moore

When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a shufti to see if it's solid, aren't we, we're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul? ~ J.K. Rowling

As long as I can hear the sweet melody of your words,
I need not;
The angel's secret, to be whispered in my ears

As long as I can lace your silky fingers round my own,
I need not;
Pretty diamonds, nor big cash nor gold

As long as I can watch the handsome sunshine of your face,
I need not;
Open skies, nor snowfall, nor the rain

As long as I can gaze into the emeralds of your eyes,
I need not;
New colors, new wings or paradise

As long as I can feel the tender tickle of your breath,
I need not;
The drifting wind, nor its call, nor caress

As long as I can feel your soft lips upon mine,
I need not;
Melted sugar, nor the most expensive of wines

As long as I can feel your warm body close to me
I need not;
A blanket, nor a bonfire's luxury

As long as I can see you every morning I wake,
I need not;
A mirror, nor a cloud, nor shade

As long as I can keep you in every petal of memories
I need not:
Dreams, nor desires, nor fantasies

And as long as I can hold you in every moment that I breathe,
I need not;
Oxygen, nor blood, nor heartbeats. ~ Sanober Khan

Happiness is a wine of the rarest vintage, and seems insipid to a vulgar taste. ~ Logan Pearsall Smith

Hey, Geekoid!" yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV? ~ Bruce Coville

First, he says, you have to go out into the world. This is not a simple matter of going outside one's door. No, that is simply going out. That's what one does when one is on the way to the store to buy a loaf of bread, some cheese, and a bottle of wine. When one goes out into the world, one is shedding preconceptions of past paths and ideas of past paths, and trying to move freely through an unsubstantiated and new geography. ~ Jesse Ball

You will never bore me, Nelissuna. I can see that fact straight to my soul."
"But I can clearly see you being easily capable of boring me to tears," she countered archly, trying to free her trapped hand with a determined tug. He was even stronger than he looked, she thought.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, noticing her struggle and insults about the same way he would notice a passing speck of dust.
"Why can you not tell me? You are the medic, are you not?" She exhaled sharply. "Will you please let go of me?"
"No."
Legna growled in frustration at him.
"You are so obnoxious!" she accused. "I hate it when you do that!"
"Do what? Answer a question? If it disturbs you, I will ignore your questions from now on."
"You know exactly what I mean. I hate it when you lay down the word no as if it were the last letter of the law. And do not think I do not know that you are doing it on purpose just to irritate me, because I do!"
"Then you should cease giving me the opportunity to say it," he told her, his tone so matter-of-fact that she almost screamed at him. "And you should be careful of those little growls you insist on making, Neliss. They are . . . very stimulating."
Suddenly Legna forgot all about trading barbs with him and became very aware of his warmth above and below her trapped hand, the solid strength she leaned up against so cozily, and the very clear hunger that was brewing under the humor he had been using to hide it.
N ~ Jacquelyn Frank

Drop. Your weapon. And. Come quietly," said a robotic voice.

"Kiss. My ass," said Zita, mocking the robot's tone. ~ Ash Gray

Silly cop, I don't need your help; I have a werewolf on retainer. ~ Kevin Hearne

If Z had only known in his perfectly lovely two rooms in Paris what he'd come to know in his single 6x8 block somewhere, he guessed, just outside Tel Aviv. If he'd had an inkling in that breezy French apartment of what true boredom felt like and true loneliness, and true limbo - what it might actually be like to be locked up, hidden away without hope. If he'd tasted real madness at that point, he'd not have decided that he was so bored and so crazy that, without TV or Radio or a suitably advanced French, that, at the very least, he deserved a taste of the night air and something decent to read, and maybe, if the shop was still open, a decent bottle of wine. ~ Nathan Englander

It's nice to have a station pet. Wish it wasn't trapped in a hovering prison in the men's bathroom, but listen: no pet is perfect. It becomes perfect when you learn to accept it for what it is. ~ Cecil Baldwin

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning ... That can keep me awake for days.. ~ Billy Connolly

It made him feel like less of a man. And given how much less of a man he'd felt the past several weeks, that was really saying something. He was surprised someone from the Man Club hadn't come by to revoke his dick and balls. ~ Heidi Betts

Mr. Schmidt had screamed at me in New York: LOSER! You English Loser ... I suppose he thought it was the most grievous insult he could hurl. But such a curse doesn't really have any effect on an English person - or a European - it seems to me. We know we're all going to lose in the end so it is deprived of any force as a slur. But not in the USA. Perhaps this is the great difference between the two worlds, this concept of Loserdom. In the New World it is the ultimate mark of shame - in the Old it prompts only a wry sympathy. ~ William Boyd

I walked over to the paper and bent as the pencil began scribbling across it.
You look OK. Are you OK?
"Liz?" A stupid question. Liz was the only poltergeist I knew. But if she was here, that meant. "Chloe?" My heart started thudding again. "Where's Chloe. Did they - ?"
She's outside.
I took a deep breath. "Good. Okay. My dad's there, too?"
I watched the paper. Nothing happened.
"Liz? My dad is with her, right? She called him, didn't she?"
Couldn't.
"What do you mean she couldn't. She has her cell - " No, she didn't. We hadn't taken them into the forest. If Chloe had managed to follow me straight from there ...
I swore. "Tell her to get to a pay phone. Call collect. Get my dad and - "
No time. They're packing the van.
"Then you ride with me. You can find out where we go, and return and Chloe - "
We're getting you out.
"What? No. Absolutely not. Tell Chloe - "
Girls rule :D ~ Kelley Armstrong

Spending all my remaining money on a ticket to Florence was rendered needlessly complicated by the fact that none of the ticket-sellers had ever heard of the place. At last their supervisor showed up and set them straight by informing them that the city they had always referred to as 'Firenze' was in reality called Florence. ~ Clive James

I don't know what I'd do without you. There's no one else to look after me. And it's not just that. I sometimes think you're the only person who really knows me. I only feel normal when I'm with you. ~ Anthony Horowitz

Much of the Kama Sutra is like origami; I don't quite understand all the bending that needs to happen. ~ Erica Goros

Van Gogh on his brother's upcoming marriage: "It's because he's in Holland, where he's getting married one of these days. Now, while not denying the advantages of a marriage in the very least, once it has been done and one is quietly set up in one's home, the funereal pomp of the reception &c., the lamentable congratulations of two families (even civilized) at the same time, not to mention the fortuitous appearances in those pharmacist's jars where antediluvian civil or religious magistrates sit – my word – isn't there good reason to pity the poor unfortunate obliged to present himself armed with the requisite papers in the places where, with a ferocity unequalled by the cruellest cannibals, you're married alive on the low heat of the aforementioned funereal receptions. ~ Liesbeth Heenk

Okay, let's talk about cartoon labels for half a second - some people think anything with a dog or a car or a colorful alien is garbage, which is not true. Look at Big Moose Red. It's, like, a $6 wine with a cheesy label, and it's actually a solid wine. ~ Gary Vaynerchuk

Solutions sometimes present themselves after a reset. ~ Les Lynam

What does 'hmm' have to do with anything? Could you ever use more than five words? All this grunting and minced words make you come across - primal."

His smile tipped higher. "Primal."

"You're impossible."

"Me Jev, you Nora. ~ Becca Fitzpatrick

I'm going to marry Prince William! I'll get all Kate Middleton's cute coats! ~ Claudia Gray

We are fans of Mozart and Beethoven, as well 'South Park' and Borat. We believe that we can attract many people who eschew the serious ambiance of concert halls and don't go to classical music concerts because of such reasons. However, there is a 'serious humor' on the stage: funny and ridiculous. That is important! ~ Aleksey Igudesman

Israel also deprived the world of its chance of shedding tears of genuine sympathy over her destruction. The world resents this; it likes to feel noble and sympathetic. ~ George Mikes

It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights! ... That's a real talent ~ Josh Stern

When we tend to be too hard on those we love, we erode the softness of our souls in the process, taking out the humanity within us that is the nucleus of our goodness, even if our actions are for their own sake. ~ Janvier Chouteu-Chando