Turning 60 Funny Quotes

#1. It's just funny that Americans have to contend with 2000 channels, and 60 different specific news sources, and the confusion that it creates, and the junk that we get to see is hilarious. - Author: Adam McKay

#2. Turning 60 was not a happy time. I didn't think 'I'm falling apart,' but I did re-examine my priorities. - Author: Raquel Welch

#3. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see a child, then I look and see a woman who should be turning 60. - Author: LeAnn Rimes

#4. There are no specific memories of the first time I used ketamine, which was around age 17 or 18. The strongest recollection of ketamine use regarded an instance when I was concurrently smoking marijuana and inhaling nitrous oxide. I was in an easy chair and the popular high school band Sublime was playing on the CD player. I was with a friend. We were snorting lines of ketamine and then smoking marijuana from a pipe and blowing the marijuana smoke into a nitrous-filled balloon and inhaling and exhaling the nitrous-filled balloon until there was no more nitrous oxide in the balloon to achieve acute sensations of pleasure, [adjective describing state in which one is unable to comprehend anything], disorientation, etc. The first time I attempted this process my vision behaved as a compact disc sound when it skips - a single frame of vision replacing itself repeatedly for over 60 seconds, I think. Everything was vibrating. Obviously I couldn't move. My friend was later vomiting in the bathroom a lot and I remember being particularly fascinated by the sound of it; it was like he was screaming at the same time as vomiting, which I found funny, and he was making, to a certain degree, demon-like noises. My time 'with' ketamine lasted three months at the most, but despite my attempts I never achieved a 'k-hole.' At a party, once, I saw a girl sitting in bushes and asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm in a 'k-hole.'" While I have since stopped doing ketamine because of availa - Author: Brandon Scott Gorrell

#5. At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all. - Author: Ann Landers

#6. Congratulations on turning 60
Now you can wear what you like
No one cares, and more particularly
You're fine telling 'em 'Take a hike' - Author: John Walter Bratton

#7. When I turned 50, I said to myself, well, if this is what it's like turning 50, I can't wait to turn 60 because I still felt very, very mentally and physically good, outside my back surgery. - Author: Greg Norman

#8. I survived turning 60, I was not thrilled to turn 61, I was less thrilled to turn 62, I didn't much like being 63, I loathed being 64, and I will hate being 65. I don't let on about such things in person; in person, I am cheerful and Pollyanna-ish. But the honest truth is that it's sad to be over 60. - Author: Nora Ephron

#9. Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" - Author: Henny Youngman

#10. Sometimes I can't believe I'm going to be 60. I always say there's no point moaning about getting older, when there's nothing you can do about it. But still, I do find it quite funny. I look at that number, 60, and I think, 'Really? Me?' - Author: Twiggy

#11. As a comedian, I don't know if they're laughing because it's funny or if they're laughing at me because I'm not funny. And I'm thinking, 'Who cares? They're laughing.' If you go on stage, and they're laughing at you full-on for 60 minutes? You know, whatever puts them in the seats. - Author: Larry The Cable Guy

#12. The cat seldom interferes with other people's rights. His intelligence keeps him from doing many of the fool things that complicate life. - Author: Carl Van Vechten

#13. There was something, which was the turning point: I felt very strongly that women were sexualized, and perceived like they are sexual in every move, and it started off really early. - Author: Deniz Gamze Erguven

#14. When you're not happy, you need to be strong to change, resisting the temptation of turning back. The weak goes nowhere - Author: Ayrton Senna

#15. Turning her hand over, Gabriel kissed her palm and shaped her fingers against his cheek. his shaven skin was smooth in one direction and softly abrasive in the other, like a cat's tongue. The firelight had turned him golden everywhere except for those eyes, the clear blue of an arctic star. - Author: Lisa Kleypas

#16. I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. - Author: Zsa Zsa Gabor

#17. Sometimes I think what I write is funny in its quiet way. - Author: Doris Lessing

#18. Hurray', shouted Glokta. 'Porridge again!'He looked over at the motionless Practical. 'Porridge and honey, better than money, everything's funny, with porridge and honey! - Author: Joe Abercrombie

#19. I always thought the allusive "O" that girls always talked about was an urban legend, but Connor is quickly turning me into a believer. - Author: Devon Herrera

#20. Some of my cousins are so rich and stuck up. I fear they will one day have a heart attack when they realize that nasty smell was them as they farted. - Author: Mark A. Cooper

#21. We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff. - Author: Matt Groening

#22. Tomorrow's leaders not only have dreams, goals and plans. They are willing to work hard and to take responsibility for turning their plans into energy, perspiration and effort. They don't sit back and wait for someone else to turn their dreams into action. They take charge of executing their own plan. - Author: Denis Waitley

#23. You're a sad little hermit, and it creeps me out. - Author: Rainbow Rowell

#24. I wanted to write something tough, hard, sad, but funny. - Author: Jennifer Niven

#25. Oh here's a nice one, he brown recluse spider. This once resides in wooded areas. In other words, next to my head while I'm sleeping. ' In a small number of cases, a bite from a brown recluse can produce organ damage with occasional fatalities.' "
"That's the worst-case scenario. how can it be? It's called a 'recluse'"
"It's been my experience that all recluses have a mean streak. - Author: Yvonne Prinz

#26. Venice appeared to me as in a recurring dream, a place once visited and now fixed in memory like images on a photographer's plates so that my return was akin to turning the leaves of a portfolio: a scene of the gondolas moored by the railway station; the Grand Canal in twilight; the Rialto bridge; the Piazza San Marco; the shimmering, rippling wonderland; the bustling water traffic; the fish market; the Lido beach and boardwalk; Teeny in the launch; the singing, gesturing gondoliers; the bourgeois tourists drinking coffee at Florian's; the importunate beggars; the drowned girl's ghost haunting the Bridge of Sighs; the pigeons, mosquitoes and fetor of decay. - Author: Gary Inbinder

#27. People will laugh at anything, except their own moronic self. - Author: Fakeer Ishavardas

#28. Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are respectable affairs, after all. - Author: Bauvard

#29. Ninety percent of this game is half mental. - Author: Yogi Berra

#30. I know this music from memory, not from the music. - Author: Eugene Ormandy

#31. Don't you dare try to die again without asking my permission! - Author: Shungiku Nakamura

#32. God is glorified, not by our groans, but by our thanksgivings. - Author: Edwin Percy Whipple

#33. A wedding is like a funeral, but with musicians. - Author: Patrick Dempsey