Tombstone Funny Quotes

This situation was a heart attack waiting to happen. He just knew it. The stress of the job, now this. Yep, he was going to keel over. He could see the writing on his tombstone now: Sloane Brodie departed this world at age 37 due to massive coronary trauma as a result of idiot partner Dexter J. Daley.
--Sloane ~ Charlie Cochet

NO ONE GETS OUT OF CHILDHOOD ALIVE. It's not the first time I've said that. But among the few worthy bon mots I've gotten off in sixty-seven years, that and possibly one other may be the only considerations eligible for carving on my tombstone. (The other one is the one entrepreneurs have misappropriated to emboss on buttons and bumper stickers: The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
(I don't so much mind that they pirated it, but what does honk me off is that they never get it right. They render it dull and imbecile by phrasing it thus: "The two most common things in the universe are ... "
(Not things, you insensate gobbets of ambulatory giraffe dung, elements! Elements is funny, things is imprecise and semi-guttural. Things! Geezus, when will the goyim learn they don't know how to tell a joke. ~ Harlan Ellison

Killing the Demon right now? What would she do with a decomposing Demon corpse stinking up the place, his blood ruining the carpets? Sure, she could use the fridge to store the corpse, but what about all the food?
Until she found a way out of this hell hole, the Demon would have to remain breathing. Damn it.
"I'm Galen by the way. Galen Darvyn."
And now she knew what name to carve on his tombstone, handy. ~ Jane Cousins

In the sudden silence, Andrew grabbed my hand and shook it. "I'll miss you, Drew. You've been a regular gent."
It was hard not to cry, but I was determined to show Andrew I could be as tough as he was. "I'll miss you too," I admitted. "And Hannah and Theo and Mama and Papa. I never had a brother or a sister or a dog of my own before."
"But you won't miss Edward. He'll be there waiting for you." Andrew meant it as a joke, but neither of us laughed.
Suddenly serious, I gripped his shoulders tightly and stared into his eyes. "How will I know what happens to you?"
"Look in the graveyard," Andrew said in a melancholy voice. "If you don't see my tombstone, you'll know I didn't die."
He laughed to show me he was joking again, but death was even less funny than the old man in the wheelchair. ~ Mary Downing Hahn

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? ~ Margaret Smith

When I die, I want it to say 'Short and Funny' on my tombstone. ~ John Requa

Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. ~ Charles Lamb

I conceive disgust at these impertinent and misbecoming familiarities inscribed upon your ordinary tombstone. ~ Charles Lamb

On my tombstone, I really hope that someday they will write: He was true but partial ... ~ Ken Wilber

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.' ~ George Carlin

I like to think of my shining tombstone. It gives me, as you might say, something to live for. ~ Dorothy Parker

On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.' ~ Rita Rudner

Had I to carve an inscription on my tombstone I would ask for none other than "The Individual." ~ Soren Kierkegaard

On my tombstone just write, 'The sorest loser that ever lived.' ~ Earl Weaver

I want one word on my tombstone - dancer. ~ Agnes De Mille

I used to have nightmares that they would put 'He played Ted' on my tombstone. ~ Keanu Reeves

I've always felt that, when I looked at my tombstone, it shouldn't say, 'Mehmet Oz banged out 10,000 open-heart operations.' I've probably done 5,000. Am I any better at it than 10,000? He shook his head. It's just a different number on the tombstone. ~ Mehmet Oz

You only live once. You don't want your tombstone to read: 'Played it Safe.' ~ Rosario Dawson

I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma. ~ Eartha Kitt

My tombstone would someday read I died keeled over at my computer writing a screenplay or a business plan. ~ Gabriel Campisi

There'll be two dates on your tombstone and all your friends will read 'em but all that's gonna matter is that little dash between 'em. ~ Kevin Welch

No one has yet had the courage to memorialize his wealth on his tombstone. A dollar mark would not look well there. ~ Corra May Harris

Hatred is a heavy burden. It sinks the heart deep in the breast, and lies like a tombstone on all joys. ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

That's the one for my tombstone ... Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit? ~ David Byrne

I would die happy if I knew that on my tombstone could be written these words, "This man was an absolute fool. None of the disastrous things that he reluctantly predicted ever came to pass!" ~ Lewis Mumford

If a man needs an elaborate tombstone in order to remain in the memory of his country, it is clear that his living at all was an act of absolute superfluity. ~ Oscar Wilde

In case my life should end with the cannibals, I hope they will write on my tombstone, 'We have eaten Dr. Schweitzer. He was good to the end.' ~ Albert Schweitzer

I don't want my tombstone to say actress. I want it to say human being. ~ Laurie Holden

When they bury me in a church and chuck earth on my grave, I'd like the words 'Well, at least he tried' engraved on my tombstone. ~ Steven Morrissey

Who has not raised a tombstone, here and there, over buried hopes and dead joys, on the road of life? Like the scars of the heart, they are not to be obliterated. ~ Ninon De L'Enclos

The burden of suffering seems a tombstone hung about our necks, while in reality it is only the weight which is necessary to keep down the diver while he is hunting for pearls. ~ Jean Paul

Death is a debt to Nature due
Which we have paid and so must you. ~ Tombstone Epitaph In Tatamagouche Nova Scotia

The chances that your tombstone will read 'Killed by Asteroid' are about the same as they'd be for 'Killed in Airplane Crash.' ~ Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Fame - a few words upon a tombstone, and the truth of those not to be depended on. ~ Christian Nestell Bovee

A thousand times over, the death knell of the Bible has been sounded, the funeral procession formed, the inscription cut on the tombstone, and committal read. But somehow the corpse never stays put. ~ Bernard Ramm

I did once answer the question 'What would you say on your tombstone?' I know what I would say: 'Mario Cuomo, 1932 - dash,' and, 'He tried.' That's it. ~ Mario Cuomo

All's well that ends well; which is the epitaph I should put on my tombstone if I were the last man left alive. ~ Bertrand Russell

Left love behind many years ago. Now it rests under a cross in the cemetery in Tombstone. ~ Franco Nero

James Joyce buried himself in his great work. _Finnegan's Wake_ is his monument and his tombstone. A dead end. ~ Edward Abbey

I'm not going to have a tombstone. I'm going to be tossed in the air. Ashes, tossed like a salad. ~ William Shatner

Every person has a legacy. You may not know what your impact is, and it may not be something that you can write on your tombstone, but every person has an impact on this world. ~ Dara Horn

If America ever passes out as a great nation, we ought to put on our tombstone: America died from a delusion she had Moral Leadership. ~ Will Rogers

When I am dead and buried, on my tombstone I would like to have it written, 'I have arrived.' Because when you feel that you have arrived, you are dead. ~ Yul Brynner

Surely with as good reason as had Archimedes to have the cylinder, cone and sphere engraved on his tombstone might our distinguished countrymen leave testamentary directions for the cubic eikosiheptagram to be engraved on theirs. Spirit of the Universe! wither are we drifting, and when, where, and how is all this to end? ~ James Joseph Sylvester

His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn't call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I wondered how this stranger could shake my hand, look me in the eye, smile, and expect me to believe such a bold-faced lie? ~ Jarod Kintz

As inscribed on John Keats' tombstone:
This Grave
contains all that was Mortal,
of a
YOUNG ENGLISH POET,
Who
on his Death Bed,
in the Bitterness of his Heart,
at the Malicious Power of his Enemies
Desired
these Words to be engraven on his Tomb Stone:
"Here lies One
Whose Name was writ in Water."
Feb 24 1821 ~ John Keats

Stop ye travellers as you pass by
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, soon you shall be -
Prepare yourself to follow me.

Graffiti response:
To follow you
I am not content --
How do I know
which way you went? ~ Tombstone Epitaph In Tasmania Australia

Some lucky people can be funny without half trying because they actually look funny, because acting funny is in their bones - fun as funny, not funny as crude slapstick. ~ F. Sionil Jose

A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble. ~ Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Some people collect paperweights, or pre-Columbian figures, or old masters, or young mistresses, or tombstone rubbings, or five-minute recipes, or any of a thousand other things ... My own collection is sunrises; and I find that they have their advantages. Sunrises are usually handsome, they can't possibly be dusted, and they take only a little room, so long as it has a window to see them from. ~ Peg Bracken

The problem is that we live in an uptight country. Why don't we just laugh at ourselves? We are funny. Gays are funny. Straights are funny. Women are funny. Men are funny. We are all funny, and we all do funny things. Let's laugh about it. ~ Bob Newhart

The structure of our public morality crashed to earth. Above its grave a tombstone read, "Be tolerant
even of evil." Logically the next step would be to say to our commonwealth's criminals, "I disagree that it's all right to rob and murder, but naturally I respect your opinion." Tolerance is only complacence when it makes no distinction between right and wrong. ~ Sarah-Patton Boyle

Hear the bells ringing they're singing "Christ is risen from the dead!" The angel up on the tombstone said, He is risen just as he said! ~ Keith Green

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~ Steven Wright

I know it is more agreeable to walk upon carpets than to lie upon dungeon floors, I know it is pleasant to have all the comforts and luxuries of civilization; but he who cares only for these things is worth no more than a butterfly, contented and thoughtless, upon a morning flower; and who ever thought of rearing a tombstone to a last summer's butterfly? ~ Henry Ward Beecher

Mama does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Dada first. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

I always was a funny guy, the class clown. I had a very funny dad and an extremely funny grandmother. ~ Charlie Day

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick. ~ Carroll Bryant

It's really easy to be funny. You get a lot of funny people in a room, the show is funny. ~ Jill Soloway

I shall be better satisfied if the same can be said of me as was said of the prophet of old, "That I walked in the fear of the Lord, and begat sons and daughters" [Genesis 5:22], than if it were inscribed on my tombstone that I governed the councils or commanded the arms of the whole continent of America. ~ Benjamin Rush

I never understood why when you died, you didn't just vanish, everything should just keep going on the way it was only you just wouldn't be there. I always thought I'd like my own tombstone to be blank. No epitaph, and no name. Well, actually, I'd like it to say 'figment'. ~ Andy Warhol

It was a quiet day in Tombstone. ~ Larry McMurtry

His star will forever shine. ~ Bert Convy

You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you're funny. ~ Al Franken

I find Anders very funny and funny lasts forever." Samantha ~ Angela Nicoara

I want this epitaph engraved on my tombstone: "See you soon ~ Edouard Leve

the tombstone sky cried down unending tears of rain all around ~ Shaun Harbinger

Life before toilet paper was not worth living. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

being funny is actually all about thinking "what if ?" in a creative way. ~ Shashankbisht

CHERFUL IN ALL WEATHERS, NEVER SHERKED A TASK, SPLENDID BEHAVIOUR. ~ Larry McMurtry

I always remember an epitaph which is in the cemetery at Tombstone, Arizona. It says: 'Here lies Jack Williams. He done his damnedest.' I think that is the greatest epitaph a man can have - When he gives everything that is in him to do the job he has before him. That is all you can ask of him and that is what I have tried to do. ~ Harry S. Truman

On my tombstone, I want written, 'He never did 'Love Boat! ~ Orson Welles

Each tombstone was like the cover of a book that had been sealed forever. ~ Marina Nemat

Here lies one whose name was writ on water. ~ John Keats

I'm not funny. People assume that because my books are funny, I'll be funny in real life. It's the inevitable disappointment of meeting me. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Interviewer: What do you want your tombstone to say? Reply: I was hoping for a pyramid. ~ Eldon Farrell

Thy soul shall find itself alone
'Mid dark thoughts of the gray tombstone
Not one, of all the crowd, to pry
Into thine hour of secrecy.
Be silent in that solitude,
Which is not loneliness - for then
The spirits of the dead who stood
In life before thee are again
In death around thee - and their will
Shall overshadow thee: be still. [ ... ] ~ Edgar Allan Poe

He calls me desperate (on my tombstone)
I hope poetic license will allow: HUNGRY ~ Eli Coppola

When you die there's going to be a tombstone. It's going to have your name. It's gonna have the year you're born and the day you die. In between there's going to be a dash. And that dash is going to represent everything you did in your life, good and bad. That's how you're remembered. What do you want your dash to represent? ~ Tim Tebow

If the Confederacy falls, there should be written on its tombstone: Died of a theory. ~ Jefferson Davis

Ish #109 If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker. ~ Regina Griffin

We can't against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous. ~ Nobita Nobi

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ~ Helen Hayes

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick. ~ Erma Bombeck

I've finally gotten to the bottom of things. ~ Dorothy Parker

I like funny things, but I don't find myself particularly funny. ~ Chris Messina

Nothing in Moderation We all loved him. ~ Ernie Kovacs

I will not be back after these messages ~ Merv Griffin

Ish #21 Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat! ~ Regina Griffin

In loving memory from the Family. ~ Bugsy Siegel

I never know when I am being funny, and the other way too. I don't think you can think about that. I don't think you can try to be funny. Some people are just funny. ~ Christopher Walken

On my tombstone they will carve, IT NEVER GOT FAST ENOUGH FOR ME. ~ Hunter S. Thompson

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. ~ Natalie Wood

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything. ~ Steve Martin

If you're going to sit on someone's tombstone, you might as well know something about them, right? ~ Nicholas Sparks

I've never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny. ~ Maya Rudolph

As I get older, I just prefer to knit. ~ Tracey Ullman

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself. ~ Chris Rock

When you don't have a laugh track, you can make the clothes funny. We can make a sign funny. We can make the way somebody walks funny. The makeup can be funny. ~ Mitchell Hurwitz

I have funny bones. If there's ever any kind of tension, I'll always be the one to try and be funny to loosen things up. ~ Matt LeBlanc