Toilet Humor Quotes

The train resembles the Soviet type and is quite comfortable, but all socialist structures I have ever encountered have toilets stemming from a single model engineered by the Orthodox Church in Tsarist Russia to ensure that man never be allowed to forget the corruption of the flesh. ~ Arthur Miller

You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet. ~ Kami Garcia

I'm the bathroom master
I'm a real bowl blaster
Don't mess with me
'Cause I can mess it up faster
With just one flush
I can make a toilet gush
When my sister cleans it up
I just turn her to mush! ~ R.U. Slime

Never ask an elf for help; they might decide your better off dead, eh? (Orik) (Eldest) (Page 207) ~ Christopher Paolini

(pg.31)
As it was, my first days on Earth were somewhat anticlimactic. Mother and Father seemed so happy tempting and corrupting that I didn't want to interrupt them. But the fact was that I hadn't the slightest clue what to do with myself. I tried to convince cows to take over the world, to rampage across the fields slaughtering all in their wake, to start a new religion of udder worship, to build cities devoted to the consumption of grass, their aqueducts running with fresh milk. I even prepared a pictorial presentation of cows traveling into outer space aboard butter-powered space churns, but the cows seemed unconvinced, and soon returned to wondering how many stomachs they had. The current belief was seventeen. Cows:Unambitious. ~ George Pendle

I've learned that it doesn't matter how your husband squeezes the toothpaste, the important thing is how he squeezes you. ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I thought that was a really childish idea. So I did it. ~ John Duover

If you tell me the truth, the truth I'll proclaim.
If you tell me a lie, you'll be fair game. ~ Belva Rae Staples

He didn't know Rachel very well, but assumed her behavior would be similar to most women he encountered. As soon as he stepped foot inside she would attack, not allowing him to get in a word. At least that was what he imagined. ~ Wendy Owens

If there is such a thing as platonic love between a man and a woman it is the result of a profound misunderstanding, a stifling of their true and authentic impulses. ~ George Clooney

Internet friends are real friends ~ Wilson Rawls

All men are born with a nose and ten fingers, but no one was born with a knowledge of God. ~ Voltaire

It is customary, in England at least, for Coroners' courts to give the verdict 'Suicide while the balance of his mind was disturbed'. This insult automatically puts the victim in the wrong and reassures Society that all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. Have you ever noticed that Socialist governments have a particular horror of the individual's suicide? It is a direct criticism of their basic tenets. ~ Nanavira Thera

But I might - " he bit out. "Tell me you're not a fucking virgin."
"No, I'm not a fucking virgin. Virgins have yet to fuck, remember? ~ Lora Leigh

Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything. ~ Chuck Klosterman

What do people think about my staying with Harrison with him chasing everything that's hot and hollow? ~ Dashiell Hammett

I remember seeing McCoy Tyner in concert, and thinking that the music was incredible, but wanting to be invited in. I figured that humor was the way of letting the audience in. I've gotten a hard time about it, but I love to be funny onstage. ~ John Lurie

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded". ~ Tucker Max

Yeah. Shitty. Coffee. 'Shoffee,' if you will. ~ Megan Carroll

The American dream was not supposed to look like this, and when men went off the war, too often other men came in the night to the bedroom at the back of the long, narrow trailers. In fact, I had lived there and had gone off to war, and someone took of my place in the bed and took of my young wife. But that was few wars ago, and so much has happened since , that the only lingering bitterness left is that the bastard also took my dog. ~ Nelson DeMille

You're going to end up like one of those crazy cat ladies with your apartment smelling of piss and regret. ~ Kylie Scott

I could think of no better place to secretly murder someone than inside a fridge. Well, actually there were probably several better ones, but none came to mind at the time. ~ Yahtzee Croshaw

Learning the difference between God's intervention, the devil's mischief, and PMS can lead to increased happiness. ~ J.P. Galuska

No, I'm not shy." I folded my arms across my shell-covered chest. The press of the hard material against my sensitive nipples caused my core to tighten. "But I usually have to buy a girl a couple of drinks in order to be treated to a show like that."
She turned to look at me, the fringe on her dress swaying with her movement. A thin eyebrow arched, her cherry lips pulled into a dazzling smile. "Well." The intensity locked in her bright eyes as her green gaze moved from my head to my toes and back again made my entire body tingle. "I guess you owe me a drink, Meghan. ~ Elizabeth Morgan

The first thing I noticed about East Shoal High School was that it didn't have a bike rack. You know a school is run by stuck-up sons of bitches when it doesn't even have a bike rack.

I shoved Erwin behind the blocky green shrubs lining the school's front walk and stepped back to make sure the tires and handlebars were hidden. I didn't expect anyone to steal, touch, or notice him, since his rusty diarrhea color made people subconsciously avert their eyes, but I felt better knowing he was out of harm's way. ~ Francesca Zappia

Eve talking to someone on her computer and having trouble with the language translator.
... "I have two like crimes. Your data and your input on Leclerk would be very helpful"
Marie pursed her lips and humor danced in her eyes.
"It says you would like to have sex with me. I don't think that is correct"
"Oh, for Christ sake" Eve slammed a fist against the machine ... ~ J.D. Robb

The little weasel ripped all the buttons off my couch.
Ivan Petrovsky, pg 350 ~ Kerrelyn Sparks

Meaning what? We're going to pretend nothing's going on? That's stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open.
Have you been watching Oprah again? ~ James Patterson

While she'd been drying her hair, she'd come up with a new message for her answering machine - "I'm out, deliberately avoiding your call" - and that simple burst of creativity had raised her spirits a bit. ~ Carrie Fisher

Stand on your laigs you polecat, and admit you're a liar! ~ Owen Wister

So that means that Peter ... " I swallowed. "That his full name was Peter Parker."
"Yeah"
I burst into tears. "Oh, my God! I killed Spiderman! ~ Michelle Rowen

If you want to please me very much, you will fall down when I shoot you, -Oates
The White Darkness ~ Geraldine McCaughrean

There is one thing I like about the Poles - their language. Polish, when it is spoken by intelligent people, puts me in ecstasy. The sound of the language evokes strange images in which there is always a greensward of fine spiked grass in which hornets and snakes play a great part. I remember days long back when Stanley would invite me to visit his relatives; he used to make me carry a roll of music because he wanted to show me off to these rich relatives. I remember this atmosphere well because in the presence of these smooth−tongued, overly polite, pretentious and thoroughly false Poles I always felt miserably uncomfortable. But when they spoke to one another, sometimes in French, sometimes in Polish, I sat back and watched them fascinatedly. They made strange Polish grimaces, altogether unlike our relatives who were stupid barbarians at bottom. The Poles were like standing snakes fitted up with collars of hornets. I never knew what they were talking about but it always seemed to me as if they were politely assassinating some one. They were all fitted up with sabres and broad−swords which they held in their teeth or brandished fiercely in a thundering charge. They never swerved from the path but rode rough−shod over women and children, spiking them with long pikes beribboned with blood−red pennants. All this, of course, in the drawing−room over a glass of strong tea, the men in butter−colored gloves, the women dangling their silly lorgnettes. The women were always ravishing ~ Henry Miller

Free love is vibrator slogan. ~ Jay Caspian Kang