Teen Humor Quotes

Come on, Lana," Liv groans. "Stop keeping me in suspense. Get to the juicy stuff."
I fling my pillow at her. "Hey! This isn't the latest soap opera we're discussing. This is my life!"
"Your life with the Kennedys," she swoons, tossing the pillow back at me. "That sounds like a soap opera I'd watch. ~ Siobhan Davis

Okay, let's do a tally. You think I'm infuriating, wimpy, and...adorable."
"I never said adorable."
He shifted closer, craving the heat of her body. "I know, but you're thinking it. ~ Cathryn Fox

I don't mind crack," I said. "I like crack as much as the next man. But it's not doing a thing for my nerves, and I already have a splitting headache - I say, I don't suppose those heroin dealers carry Anadin or acetaminophen or anything like that, do they?" "I think they just have heroin, Charlie. ~ Paul Murray

Writing a story is like ruling the world. Except it's even better. How many rulers out there that you know can tell people what they say? ~ VanillaCreamPie8888

Audrey Hepburn, as famous as she was, packed her own suitcases ... I don't know why that struck me, but it did. 'She has a servant's heart,' I thought. ~ Gavin MacLeod

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people, some of the time, but you can fool yourself anytime you need to badly enough. ~ Hilari Bell

You deserve good sperm. You've waited a long time. ~ Buffy Andrews

Hello? ... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven ... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out. ~ Katt Williams

Many people take it personally when we're impersonal. ~ Emmanuel Goldstein

The cosy glow which had been enveloping the Duke became shot through by a sudden chill. It was as if he had been luxuriating in a warm shower bath, and some hidden hand had turned on the cold tap. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

If you don't like your teeth; keep your mouth shut. ~ Lois Greiman

The question is which one of us is the frog and which is the toad,' Willem had said after they'd first seen the show, in JB's studio, and read the kindhearted books to each other late that night, laughing helplessly as they did.
He'd smiled; they had been lying in bed. 'Obviously, I'm the toad,' he said.
'No,' Willem said, 'I think you're the frog; your eyes are the same color as his skin.'
Willem sounded so serious that he grinned. 'That's your evidence?' he asked. 'And so what do you have in common with the toad?'
'I think I actually have a jacket like the one he has,' Willem said, and they began laughing again. ~ Hanya Yanagihara

I knew I was an unwanted child when my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. ~ Joan Rivers

I feel no grief for being called something
which
I am not;
in fact, it's enthralling, somehow, like a good
back rub ~ Charles Bukowski

Is this..." Chronicler hesitated, looking around. "Are we in Newarre?"
Kote nodded. "You are, in fact, in the middle of Newarre. ~ Patrick Rothfuss

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

She's trying to sabotage all the magic holding this island together. But that would create a catastrophe for all of Hawaii."
"Well, that does it," Koko huffed. "As of today, she's off my Christmas card list. ~ Laurence Yep

Emus are little more than feathered stomachs borne on mighty legs and ruled by a tiny brain. If an emu wants one of your sandwiches, he will get it, and then run away. He cannot help you with your sudoku. ~ Richard Fortey

Here's the thing: this eel spends its entire life trying to find a home, and what do you think women have inside them? Caves, where the eels like to live ... when they find a cave they like, the wriggle around inside it for a while to be sure that ... well, to be sure it's a nice cave, I suppose. And when they've made up their minds that it's comfortable, they mark the cave as their territory ... by spitting. ~ Arthur Golden

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating. ~ Adam Carolla

How to get in trouble #43: I was once caught staring at a woman's breasts, when she asked "why do you keep staring on my breasts?", I replied with "because your face is ugly ~ Haresh Daswani

This is what my girlfriend would look like without skin. ~ David Bischoff

Today isn't the day when we start to use one another's bodies. Or tomorrow, or ever. We're not barbarians. ~ Tamsyn Muir

The amount of energy necessary to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it. ~ Alberto Brandolini

The world is mad, and it takes a little madness at times to put it back in order again. ~ Lara Lee

Either I've got a wart on my nose they find curious, or I've grown a tail, Albie Merani muttered to himself. Just then he thought. I'd better get a move on, got work to do. He hurried across to some stairs, heading down deeper into station, then followed the signs to the pod station. ~ R.W. Rivers

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew. ~ Stephen Colbert

Someone out there was about to find that their worst nightmare was a maddened Librarian. With a badge. ~ Terry Pratchett

Meaning what? We're going to pretend nothing's going on? That's stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open.
Have you been watching Oprah again? ~ James Patterson

Rogan gave him a flat stare. Lesser men would've fled for their life, but Augustine was clearly made of sterner stuff. ~ Ilona Andrews

Bite me, Goth princess," Shane called from the back. "Not literally or anything."
"Maybe you should say that to Michael."
"Not funny, Eve," Michael said.
Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. "Little bit," she said. ~ Rachel Caine

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage. 'The probability of having a bomb on the plane is very low,' he reasons, 'and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero! ~ Rolf Dobelli

I decided we should get married no more of this running-through-the-rain shit. We should live in the same place, sleep in the same bed at night, wake up together in the morning, and whenever there's a tornado, I can take care of you and watch Baseball at the same time. ~ Curtis Sittenfeld

I am really, truly dead serious when I am just joking. But only if you're a joke would you mind my poking. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Got it. Demon. Death. Doom. ~ Kami Garcia

In happy operating procedure, the breathing is like fresh air through the body. In unkind operating procedure, the fresh air is gone sad."
Fresh air gone sad is a beautiful way to describe the death process. ~ Eric Garcia

Roosevelt's humor was broad, his manner friendly. Of wit there was little; of philosophy, none. What did he possess? Intuition, inspiration, love of adventure. ~ Emanuel Celler

Suffer doesn't kill but makes you stronger. ~ D.O.shedrack

Sorry I called you Goat-molester," Virgil said. "It was the first thing that came into my head, honestly."
"I don't need your damn apology!"
"Then why are you here?"
"I came here to kick your ass!"
"You might want to do that from a standing position."
"Screw you! I'll get up in my own time! ~ Derek Landy

I do have an interest in this book, which is for sale. (If you have bought it, dear reader, I thank you. If you have borrowed it, I honor your frugality. If you have stolen it, may it add to your confusion.) ~ Wendell Berry

If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess. ~ Honeya

One more question." Finn had a smirk on his face. "Do you use…" "If you say litter box, I will empty that pitcher of water on your head." She thought for a second and added, "Before I slash the tires on your car." "My baby?" Kess grinned. "Kidding! I'd just key it." She turned to Burke who was smirking at the look on his brother's face. "Is he always like this? ~ Jeanette Battista

Once anyone who has a sense of humor can do what they want, they want to do funny bits as much as possible. ~ Gavin McInnes