Swoon Funny Quotes

All the Padres need is a fly ball in the air. ~ Jerry Coleman

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. ~ Mark Twain

Reagan was an exceedingly likeable guy, just a heck of a nice fellow, despite his politics. He was funny and loved a good joke, the dirtier, I'm afraid the more ethnic, the better. I don't think he brought very much to the presidency, except charisma and success. ~ Walter Cronkite

No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?" ~ Eddie Izzard

He loved the humans' complete inability to see anything even when it stared them right in their faces. He knew what it was, too. Their logic. How could anything the size of a dragon turn into a human? Humans understood nothing of ancient Magick and how powerful it could be.
For a moment, he really thought that Annwyl figured it out. Still, he remained grateful she hadn't. He knew he shouldn't lie to her and, in the beginning, he really hadn't planned to. He trusted her now more than he trusted anyone, but her reaction to him as a human male completely confounded him.
She wanted the knight but hated the knight. Cared for the dragon but, not surprisingly, didn't seem to have any other feelings than general friendliness.
Annwyl continued to be the most complex creature he'd ever met. And, when he wasn't staring at her chest or rear, he found her intelligent, delightful, and extremely funny. Just a joy to be around. But only the dragon seemed lucky enough to see that side of her. When he came to her as the knight, he found her surly, foul tempered, and downright rude. He still found her a joy to be around, but probably because he liked how she smelled when she became angry. ~ G.A. Aiken

As I travel across the country speaking about MS, perhaps I can offer others comfort and hope. ~ Annette Funicello

Fall colors are funny. They're so bright and intense and beautiful. It's like nature is trying to fill you up with color, to saturate you so you can stockpile it before winter turns everything muted and dreary. ~ Siobhan Vivian

Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. "Coffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked. ~ Janet Evanovich

Oh God, I've unleashed a monster, haven't I?"
"Nope. Just a red-blooded man, darlin'. ~ Leah Braemel

The United States is the greatest law factory the world has ever known. ~ Charles Evans Hughes

I have not had so good of a week. Well, monday was a pretty good day, if you don't count Hamburger Surprise at lunch and Margaret's mother coming to get her. Or the stuff that happened in the principal's office when I got sent there to explain that Margaret's hair was not my fault and besides she looks okay without it, but I couldn't because Principal Rice was gone, trying to calm down Margaret's mother. Someone should tell you not to answer the phone in the principal's office, if that's a rule. Okay, fine, Monday was not so good of a day. ~ Sara Pennypacker

I always thought it would be very funny if I was a blind film director. ~ Woody Allen

There aren't many funny bits in Mr Tolkien either,' Matilda said.
'Do you think that all children's books ought to have funny bits in them?' Miss Honey asked.
'I do,' Matilda said. 'Children are not so serious as grown-ups and love to laugh. ~ Roald Dahl

I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days. ~ Sarah Silverman

Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot. ~ Bo Burnham

Funny how the world always praises its opera-singers so much and pays 'em so well and then starves its shoemakers, and yet it needs good shoes so much more than it needs opera
or war or fiction. ~ Sinclair Lewis

Gods, I love it when you talk mathy to me. ~ Kresley Cole

It is funny how no one seems to want my always excellent advice. ~ Anne Lamott

That's a federal crime," I told him. "Punishable by three to five years in a minimum-security prison. You'll get passed around like condiments at a barbeque." "My hole is already quivering," he said. ~ T.J. Klune

Quote: a banal proverb that is considered profound when uttered by a celebrity. ~ Bauvard

Dad used to say lots of funny things - like he was speaking his own language sometimes. Twenty-three skidoo, salad days, nosey parker, bandbox fresh, the catbird seat, chocolate teapot, and something about Grandma sucking eggs. One of his favourites was 'safe as houses'. Teaching me to ride a bike, my mother worrying in the doorway: "Calm down, Linda, this street is as safe as houses." Convincing Jamie to sleep without his nightlight: "It's as safe as houses in here, son, not a monster for miles."
Then overnight the world turned into a hideous nightmare, and the phrase became a black joke to Jamie and me. Houses were the most dangerous places we knew.
Hiding in a patch of scrubby pines, watching a car pull out from the garage of a secluded home, deciding whether to make a food run, whether it was too dicey. "Do you think the parasites'll be long gone?" "No way - that place is as safe as houses. Let's get out of here."
And now I can sit here and watch TV like it is five years ago and Mom and Dad are in the other room and i've never spent a night hiding in a drainpipe with Jamie and a bunch of rats while bodysnatchers with spotlights search for the thieves who made off with a bag of dried beans and a bowl of cold spaghetti.
I know that if Jamie and I survived alone for twenty years we would never find this feeling on our own. The feeling of safety. More than safety, even - happiness. Safe and happy, two things I thought i'd never feel again. Jared made us ~ Stephenie Meyer

(Family rumor has it that he was originally cloistered off - that is relieved of his duties as a secular priest in Astoria - to free him of a persistent temptation to administer the sacramental wafer to his parishioners' lips by standing back two or three feet and trajecting it in a lovely arc over his left shoulder.) ~ J.D. Salinger

Popularity, my dear, is as overrated as a large member. ~ Sarah Winman

Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break ... juggle something. ~ Dom Irrera

There are some people
who would rather be right than happy,
as though making a point
was more fun than having a good time
These are the people
who will risk their lives to get the last laugh
even when it isn't funny ~ Merrit Malloy

I have always been very fond of them (drama critics) ... I think it is so frightfully clever of them to go night after night to the theatre and know so little about it. ~ Noel Coward

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors. ~ Tina Fey

People say conversation is a lost art; how often I have wished it were. ~ Edward R. Murrow

Life ... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast. ~ Douglas Adams

Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!' ~ Russell Howard

A 41-inch bust and a lot of perseverance will get you more than a cup of coffee - a lot more. ~ Jayne Mansfield

Goodness is funny because it draws you to it while curiously possessing you with the untrammelled desire to turn it into something bad. ~ Sophie Villalobos

When I was a little girl, I was the girl laughing at things that are actually funny. I wasn't one of them girls sitting in a circle giggling silently at stupid stuff. I LAUGHED and I laughed loud and wonderfully! I laughed at things that are funny and offensive and stirring and hilarious! Girls are raised to not have wit, to have no sense of humour, to only be quiet and sweet, and to be offended by everything! Girls are raised to not be people. I was born into this world determined to be a person! And I did it. ~ C. JoyBell C.

If the proper preparations have been made and the necessary precautions taken, any staged event is guaranteed success
Ethelred The Unready ~ Robert Asprin

These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ~ Margaret Atwood

A foolproof plan for not getting a job - show up for your interview wearing flip flops. ~ Alan Davies

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations." ~ Bill Engvall

Sweetie, this is Hell. We invented paperwork. ~ Jackie Kessler

I managed to take a family trip to the Bahamas and it was quite lovely. ~ Jackie Collins

I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Loki in 'Thor' is the most incredible springboard into a sort of excavation of the darker aspects of human nature. So that was thrilling, coming back knowing that I'd built the boat and now I could set sail into choppier waters. ~ Tom Hiddleston

THE MYTH OF THE GOOD OL BOY AND THE NICE GAL
The good of boy myth and the nice gal are a kind of social conformity myth. They create a real paradox when put together with the "rugged individual" part of the Success Myth. How can I be a rugged individual, be my own man and conform at the same time? Conforming means "Don't make a wave", "Don't rock the boat". Be a nice gal or a good ol' boy. This means that we have to pretend a lot.
"We are taught to be nice and polite. We are taught that these behaviors (most often lies) are better than telling the truth. Our churches, schools, and politics are rampant with teaching dishonesty (saying things we don't mean and pretending to feel ways we don't feel). We smile when we feel sad; laugh nervously when dealing with grief; laugh at jokes we don't think are funny; tell people things to be polite that we surely don't mean."
- Bradshaw On: The Family ~ John Bradshaw

Monkeys
What! His partner said.
Monkeys are funny, said Peabody.'So why didn't we we pick monkeys.
His partner sighed and shook his head with sad dismay.
Monkeys? Jesus.
Monkeys' idea of fun is throwing their shit at you. Monkeys always take the joke a step too far. ~ Toby Barlow

I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not. ~ Brendan Behan