Supernaturalist Eoin Colfer Quotes

Who are you? he asked.
I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on. ~ Eoin Colfer

There will be consequences for this, he thought. You can't alter time and not be affected. But whatever the consequences are, I will bear them, because the alternative is too terrible. -Artemis Fowl, The Lost Colony ~ Eoin Colfer

Let's save some time here. I grow weary of your clumsy bluffs. In the case of an abduction, the LEP will send a crack Retrieval team to get back what has been lost.. You have done so. Excuse me while I titter. Crack team? Honestly. A Cub-Scout patrol armed with water pistols could have defeated them. ~ Eoin Colfer

M...maybe,' I stutter. 'Whatever the reason, this woman has problems. We need to be compassionate, show understanding.'

'Or slice her head off. I have plastic bags.'

Sure. We could toss her in the car beside her partner, then drive to the mall where I dumped Macey and line up all three bodies together in the Lexus. Hell, why not steal Connie's corpse from the morgue to complete the set? ~ Eoin Colfer

... even one centimetre can make an awful lot of difference when you don't have many to spare. ~ Eoin Colfer

This might hurt a little is universal code for this will definitely hurt a lot ~ Eoin Colfer

Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it."
Foaly: "Smite it with what? Your secret birthmark?"
Orion: "Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have. ~ Eoin Colfer

You wouldn't know a clue if it danced in front of you with a T-Shirt that read 'I'm a clue ~ Eoin Colfer

Make it fast, you shower of stinking rabbit droppings, I've got a fresh blade that I'm just itching to test! ~ Eoin Colfer

this was business. ~ Eoin Colfer

In fact, he was barely a man anymore. He was the devil. And sooner or later the devil destroyed everything in his reach. It was his nature. ~ Eoin Colfer

Perhaps we can win, he thought. But there will be no happy ending ~ Eoin Colfer

Holly winked. 'Do I look like a fly boy to you, Fowl?'
Artemis had to admit that she didn't. Captain Short was extremely pretty in a dangerous sort of way. Black-widow pretty. Artemis was expecting puberty to hit in approximately eight months, and he suspected that at that point he would look at Holly in a different light. It was probably just as well that she was eighty years old. ~ Eoin Colfer

The gremlin mob turned on Root, and when they saw the triple-barreled blaster on his hip, they kept right on turning. Root grabbed the microphone from behind the desk, and hauled it out to the extent of its cable. "Now hear this," he growled, his gravelly tones echoing around the terminal. "This is Commander Root of the LEP. We have a serious situation above ground, and I would appreciate cooperation from all you civilians. First, I would like you all to stop your yapping so I can hear myself think!" Root paused to make certain his wishes were being respected. They were. "Secondly, I would like every single one of you, including those squawling infants, to sit down on the courtesy benches until I have gone on my way. Then you can get back to griping or stuffing your faces. Or whatever else it is civilians do." No one had ever accused Root of political correctness. No one was ever likely to either. ~ Eoin Colfer

If it looks like a Dwarf, and it smells like a Dwarf, then it's probably a Dwarf or a latrine wearing dungerees. ~ Eoin Colfer

Remember the pain?' thought Artemis. I hate myself. I really do. ~ Eoin Colfer

I am so sick of you smart kids. Why can't you just boost cars or steal stuff like normal kids?' 'We do steal stuff. Just bigger stuff. ~ Eoin Colfer

There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You had to feel sorry for the B'wa Kell. ~ Eoin Colfer

Stay back, human. You don't know what you're dealing with. ~ Eoin Colfer

Foaly twitched his tail contentedly. Genius. No point in being humble about it. ~ Eoin Colfer

Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen
Annual Report
Student: Artemis Fowl II
Year: First
Fees: Paid
Tutor: Dr Po

Language Arts
As far as I can tell, Artemis has made absolutely no progress since the beginning of the year. This is because his abilities are beyond the scope of my experience. He memorizes and understands Shakespeare after a single reading. He finds mistakes in every exercise I administer, and has taken to chuckling gently when I attempt to explain some of the more complex texts. Next year I intend to grant his request and give him a library pass during my class.

Mathematics
Artemis is an infuriating boy. One day he answers all my questions correctly, and the next every answer is wrong. He calls this an example of the chaos theory, and says that he is only trying to prepare me for the real world. He says the notion of infinity is ridiculous. Frankly, I am not trained to deal with a boy like Artemis. Most of my pupils have trouble counting without the aid of their fingers. I am sorry to say, there is nothing I can teach Artemis about mathematics, but someone should teach him some manners.

Social Studies
Artemis distrusts all history texts, because he says history was written by the victors. He prefers living history, where survivors of certain events can actually be interviewed. Obviously this makes studying the Middle Ages somewhat difficult. Artemis has asked for permission to build a ~ Eoin Colfer

I'm not threatening you. I'm just informing you of police procedure. If you continue to obstruct me, I remove the obstruction, in this case you, and proceed to the next command. ~ Eoin Colfer

If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written. ~ Eoin Colfer

She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the moment of impact? I'm writing this short story
'
'Put that away, Hazel,' hissed Mam. 'The poor boy is in pain.'
Hazel persisted. 'Would that be a white-hot pain? Or more of a dull throbbing pain? ~ Eoin Colfer

It was calling me, that button," he offered as his excuse. "I couldn't resist." -MULCH DIGGUMS ON A HIGHLY PRESS-ABLE BUTTON- ~ Eoin Colfer

There is always a use for everything, Victor had told him. Even pain. ~ Eoin Colfer

People are afraid of you, Arty. Girls are terrified of you. You're a fifteen-year-old in a bespoke suit, and nobody died. ~ Eoin Colfer

Artemis was propped on his elbows. "You hit me," he said in disbelief. ~ Eoin Colfer

She strode across the McGraney boundary without a backward glance, legs cutting twin swatches in the green-black grass. Dawn sunlight simmered on the tip of each blade, and Holly's passage set a surging ripple of light flashing across the meadow.
Extraordinary, thought Artemis. What have I lost? ~ Eoin Colfer

I'm sorry, Arty,' she whispered into his ear.
'Sorry for what?'
'For everything. For the last few months, I haven't been myself. But things are going to change. Time to stop living in the past.'
Artemis felt a tear on his cheek. He wasn't sure whose tear it was. ~ Eoin Colfer

I wear a name tag to help people find me. It saves time when you're dealing with idiots. ~ Eoin Colfer

Holly clambered after him, struggling up the human-size steps.
"Wait! Just wait," she called, overtaking Artemis and looking him in the eye from one step up. "I know you, Artemis. You like to play your genius card close to your chest until the big reveal. And that's worked out for us so far. But this time you need to let me in. I can help. So, tell me the truth, do you have a plan?"
Artemis met his friend's gaze and lied to her face.
"No," he said. "No plan. ~ Eoin Colfer