Stupid Jokes Quotes

One day you're going to see her holding hands with someone who took your chance. She won't even notice you because she's too busy laughing with the stupid jokes he makes. And it will burn your heart seeing that beautiful smile on her face and realizing that you're not the reason anymore. And then it will hit you: it was her, it was always her. ~ Elisabeth Van Den Abeele

If they invent a car that runs on stupid jokes, you could go far. ~ Haruki Murakami

I realised that all one really had to do was just observe. Observe and slightly exaggerate, and you had comedy. Instead of creating a mythical premise for a stupid joke, I found playing off truth got the best result. ~ Mel Brooks

I became the storyteller of South Side Chicago. I used an old Kiwi liquid shoe polish as a microphone. I'd go around the house interviewing everybody, telling stupid jokes, doing voices. I mimicked Sidney Poitier, Sammy Davis Jr., people on 'Laugh-In,' Flip Wilson. ~ Bernie Mac

I was on the first one when I felt his fingers encircle my wrist. "Sophie, come on. I don't want to fight with you."
Turning, I opened my mouth to say I didn't want to fight with him either. But before I could, I saw the telltale flash out of the corner of my eye, and the next thing I knew, my arm was jerking out of his grasp. "If you don't want to fight with her, maybe you shouldn't suggest she team up with people who want to kill her," my voice snarled.
Archer backed up so fast he nearly stumbled, and I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him look so freaked out. But he recovered quickly. "Elodie, if I wanted to talk to you, I'd do a séance or something. Maybe go on an episode of Ghost Hunters. But right now, I want to talk to Sophie. So clear out."
Elodie had no intention of doing that. "You always were a crappy boyfriend," she said. "Once you left, I chalked that up to you, you know, not actually liking me. But unless I'm blind as well as dead, you really like Sophie. In fact, hard as it is for me to fathom, I think you love her."
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Screw that, she retorted. You two spend all your time making stupid jokes and being all witty. Someone has to get real.
"What's your point?" Archer asked, narrowing his eyes at me. Her. Whatever. God, this was getting confusing.
"Cal loves her, too, you know. And the last time I checked, he wasn't part of a cult of monster killers. I'm just saying that if you're going have loyalties that divid ~ Rachel Hawkins

My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and great meals. I do not believe mankind will ever develop a formula to explain this. ~ Joel Klein

It's often the way that people who take their work seriously laugh at stupid jokes; it's as if they are under-humored and, as a consequence, suffer from premature laugh-ejaculation. ~ Nick Hornby

Why are you making a joke out of this?" she asks.
"Because it's stupid, Nik. There's not even room in my day to think about someone else. ~ Simone Elkeles

A PRESCRIPTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP Max Booth III A Prescription for Shut the Fuck Up Refills Left: Unlimited For: Your Stupid Face TAKE THREE TABLETS DAILY OR, REALLY, ANY TIME YOU THINK ABOUT OPENING THAT GODDAMN MOUTH OF YOURS CHILLPILL 50 MG. 50MG Dr. Sick of Hearing Your Voice Discard After: You learn how to interact with actual human beings. WARNING: MAY CAUSE EMPATHY ~ Meghan Arcuri

Parents who let teens run around with unearned adult freedoms are naive and stupid. ~ Dave Ramsey

You must be a rich human," went on Holonie. "You could have come here with bodyguards, dogs, something. But you came here alone. Very risky. Nearly insane. Completely stupid."
Elbryn laughed his flat, humorless laugh. "Thanks? ~ Ash Gray

What matters is to understand pleasure, not try to get rid of it - that is too stupid. Nobody can get rid of pleasure. ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti

I was, after the breakup, what you call a complete wreck. For the first time in my life, my pain had a focus. Any I just couldn't help myself. I didn't care what anyone thought, I didn't care that all the girls in school would say, See, he finally got wise, I didn't care how stupid I would look with teary mascara stains and purple eyeliner tracks down my cheeks, I didn't care about anything except how this was the worst pain ever. I used to weep for never having anything worth losing, but now I was simply resplendent--puffy, red, hysterical-- with a loss I could identify completely. I felt justified in my sorrow and I couldn't stand the way everything about Zachary seemed to be everywhere: Every staircase we'd necked on and lounge chair we'd chatted on between classes was redolent with memories of him. My God, even the lint that gathered on my clothing and still hadn't come out in the wash reminded me of Zachary. I would burst into tears in class and not bother to excuse myself. I cried on the subway. One day, I got mugged walking to the subway, and figured it was as good an excuse as any to go home and stay there. ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

I most fear stupid people. Stupid people will do anything. Truly smart people will do only what is logical for them to do. ~ C.J. Cherryh

A lot of times people come up to me saying 'oh my god you can see,' and they think they're the first person to think of that joke, but they're probably the 10,000th one to say that joke. ~ Nat Wolff

After all, no one is stupid enough to prefer war to peace; in peace sons bury their fathers and in war fathers bury their sons. ~ Herodotus

Are you demented, you stupid badger ? Is that your problem ? Or are you just an idiot ?"
"As to that, I ... Did you just call me a badger ?"
"A bastard. I called you a bastard. ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

She felt stupid, though she knew she wasn't. She was intelligent, had always been an A student and an overachiever. The fact that her short-term memory came and went didn't make her less intelligent. It just made her feel that way - which made her think other people would feel the same way about her. They would think of her as brain-damaged. ~ Tami Hoag

Empowering Women 101: Know the difference between real love and a person that is with you because it is easy and convenient. A real woman doesn't live in the fantasy that he just all of a sudden knew you were the one and no one else believes that either. Be willing to settle and accept the situation or work on it. However, don't sit in denial and pretend going through hell in a relationship was required before he saw your worth. He should have known from the beginning. ~ Shannon L. Alder

Playing the blame game is stupid and childish. Even if it is someone else's fault, the blame game is wasted time, effort, and energy that takes you somewhere that is not going to get you anywhere. ~ Loren Weisman

If only my genitals didn't float
When I relaxed in the bath
And we both looked down and we both agreed
It's stupid to be a man ~ Leonard Cohen

The enemy wasn't men, or women, or the old, or even the dead. It was just bleedin' stupid people, who came in all varieties. And no one had the right to be stupid. ~ Terry Pratchett

Michele Bachmann ... I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it ... Tutti-frutti. I know I'm going to get in trouble! ~ Herman Cain

It is important to remember when making jokes about women, that they are not a minority. They weren't captured on another continent and brought here in leg-irons (funny shoes, yes, but not leg-irons) and Hitler didn't blame them for Germany's loss in WWI. Therefore, you can make any kind of fun of them you want. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

A joke's a joke; you can either take it, or you can't. ~ Brian Dunkleman

I was kind of like chasing my tail and trying to do the right thing, and was a little bit stupid. Or irresponsible, which is the same thing I guess. It's just been really busy and I had a lot of great opportunities. ~ Robert Downey, Jr.

With you guys, it seems like I'm hot stuff … a know-it-all … but I've been back with The Batman again, and next to him I feel like I'm a stupid kid repeating fifth grade … for the third time. ~ Marv Wolfman

I can remember being eight years old and having infinite possibilities. But life ends up being so much less that we thought it would be when we were kids, with relationships that are so empty and stupid and brutal. If you don't find a way to break the chain and change in some way, then you wind up, as the rhyme goes: a murder of one, for sorrow. ~ Adam Duritz

I talked about becoming stupid, but I've always been stupid. Fortunately I've been just smart enough to realize that I'm stupid. ~ Larry Wall

They're disgusting. Those papery wings and their stupid bug bodies ... ~ Veronica Roth

He who lives among a certain sort of people becomes accustomed to that kind of habit, behavior, and morals. Consequently the cool become enthusiastic, the stupid become sharp, the idle are aroused to activity by a lively interest in their fellow men. Spirit can give itself to spirit and act beneficially upon another and attract another to prayer, to attention. It can encourage him in despondency, turn him from vice, and arouse him to holy action. ~ Anonymous

Photogenic is a stupid, nonsensical word, but it is also a great mystery. ~ Blaise Cendrars

All the jokes in my films, the comedy, they're not me, I just try to hold a big mirror up to us. ~ Yahoo Serious

I'd never experienced such red-hot intensity. No one had ever made me feel so connected to them before. Not even Colin, and I'd been head over heels in love with that guy. Maybe I'd just been head over heels in stupid with him? ~ J. Sterling

Girls with their legs crossed, girls with their legs not crossed, girls with terrific legs, girls with lousy legs, girls that looked like swell girls, girls that looked like they'd be bitches if you knew them. It was really nice sightseeing, if you know what I mean. In a way, it was sort of depressing, too, because you kept wondering what the hell would happen to all of them. When they got out of school and college, I mean. You figured most of them would probably marry dopey guys. Guys that always talk about how many miles they get to a gallon in their goddam cars. Guys that get sore and childish as hell if you beat them at golf, or even just some stupid game like ping-pong. Guys that are very mean. Guys that never read books. Guys that are very boring - But I have to be careful about that. I mean about calling certain guys bores. I don't understand boring guys. I really don't. ~ J.D. Salinger

For new atheists, the science is settled, the data is conclusive and the book (no, not the "Good Book") has been written. Time for everyone else to pack up and move on to other business, like, presumably, accumulating wealth and fulminating at the sight of the nearest Christmas tree. The militant atheist wants nothing more than to spoil the believer's spiritual journey. That's both mean-spirited and radically unenlightened. Though more than 95% of the world finds some meaning in faith, God-hating comic Bill Maher shrugs this off as a "neurological disorder." His version of a quest for knowledge was a series of scathing jokes at the faithfuls' expense in the documentary "Religulous." The latest incarnation of the thought-eschewing secularist is American Atheists spokesman Dave Silverman, who sums up the argument this way on atheistnexus.org: "Religion is my bitch." He has also tweeted, "Yes it is a myth. Deal with it. All delusions are myths." It's these snarky and condescending rejections, not of faith itself but of those who profess it, that reflect a total unwillingness to learn something new about human nature, the world around us and even of science itself. While the neo-atheists pay only cursory attention to dismantling arguments for God, they spend most of their time painting his followers as uncultured rubes. The fact that religion has inexplicably persisted, even despite Copernicus, Darwin and the Enlightenment, doesn't seem to have much sociological meaning for them. ~ S.E. Cupp

But, it didn't matter that my mother suspected and knew that I was a writer. It was expected of me to take care of my share of the responsibility of making our way in the world as a family. In those days, also, it was unheard of, by us certainly, that to get any help, even from members of our own family, let alone from the government, which would have been disgraceful. Thank God that that kind of folly in thinking is obsolete. There is a temptation to feel, 'Well, we all made it; why can't these other poor people make it?' And, of course, nothing is more than stupid than that attitude. I must confess that I find that attitude among many countrymen of my own who do find themselves taking undue pride in their own sense of ability - of being equal to any situation, and of seeing it through and improving it, and so on. And then, putting that against other people who don't have that, and thereby implying that the other people are lazy. Not taking into account the whole different structure and identity and a people who have survived for centuries under very harsh conditions and members of a very great culture, and I am talking about the Indians, to begin with, in the Valley - the San Joaquin Valley, in Fresno, in Tulare, and the mountains, and there are many tribes of them, of different kinds, and I am talking about, also, the Mestizos, the mixtures of Mexican, Spaniards with Indians, making the Mexican. And I am talking about any minority which is considered by anybody as bein ~ William Saroyan

His hands have begun to tremble, and he stuffs them into his pockets. They have put him in a thick gray coat, but he wears no scarf, and the skin of his neck and chest are exposed at the open collar. The healer in Arsinoe resists the urge to wrap him in a cloak. He is still weak and should be in front of a cozy fire with a hot bowl of soup.

"How is it that I have come to be here?" he asks. "I gather that I was stolen from the capital."

Emilia shoves him again. "You are here to give information, not get it."

"Emilia." Jules shakes her head, then returns her attention to Pietyr. "You were stolen from you sickbed in Greavesdrake Manor. From what we have heard, you had been there for a long time."

"You don't remember anything?" asks Arsinoe.

"Have you ever been unconscious, Queen Arsinoe?"

"Yes."

"Then you should know that is a stupid question."

She frowns. In her mind, she takes away his bowl of soup. ~ Kendare Blake

Really, the golden egg of doing a series is that you cross that very stupid bridge that says 'Name Actors Only' in casting sessions. All of a sudden, you become a name actor; it gives you marquee value. That's all that a series does. ~ Jason Alexander

We'll meet back here in fifteen minutes," he said before turning toward the shop.
"Aren't you going to lock the truck?"
"Not necessary."
The door swung shut behind him, and Phoebe was left standing on the sidewalk, wondering whether she'd heard him right. No need to lock the truck, even with her suitcases in the backseat and his window rolled down? She'd heard about places like that but had always assumed the people who lived there were fictional--or idiots. Zane didn't strike her as stupid, and her body's lingering reaction to his touch confirmed that he was very much a real man. ~ Susan Mallery

The most abysmal advise ever given by the ignorant to the stupid. ~ Tommy Armour

We all know I won't be killed because of this stupid allegation of espionage, but because I decided to be who I always dreamed. And the price of a dream is always high. ~ Paulo Coelho

I've been feeling down
I've been looking round the town
For somebody just like me
But the only ones I see
Are the dummies in the window
They spend their money on clothes
It saddens me to think
That the only ones I see are mannequins
Looking stupid, being used and being thin
And I don't know why I hang around with them.
The way they act, I'd rather be fat than be confused. ~ Belle And Sebastian

Peter to Austin:
Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid. Which makes me think you must have one 24/7. ~ Dani Alexander

Passengers don't like changing planes. That means waiting time, stress, running around. There's a joke that the hub principle is supposed to have been invented by cargo firms. The baggage doesn't care where and how it's pushed around. ~ Stelios Haji-Ioannou