Somewhat Funny Quotes

I like girls who are intelligent, somewhat funny, and pretty with a nice personality. ~ Leonardo DiCaprio

Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people's things. And my cousin, who's a 'gangster', he's like, 'No, Tash, you don't understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.' I'm like, 'No one thinks you own Costco.' ~ Natasha Leggero

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere. ~ Jeff Ross

It's somewhat of a contradiction, .. I guess the quieter the voice, the more necessary it is to push it. It's not going to leap out at you and scream. I also can't control how a book is marketed. To say the book marketing is aggressive, fine, I'm happy with that. Push the book. That doesn't mean that my personality or writing style changes. ~ David Bergen

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, How to Build a Boat. ~ Stephen Wright

It was going to be our job to annoy someone?"
"I know - it's a dream come true! ~ Joel N. Ross

Orgasms are a myth. Like good credit scores. ~ Kelly Moran

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? ~ Zach Galifianakis

We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English. ~ Winston S. Churchill

people who enter into an intercultural marriage have already distanced themselves somewhat from a strict adherence to many of the predominant values of their own society. ~ Wendy Williams

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up! ~ Frankie Boyle

Filming is a funny combination of having a good time and not being able to wait until it's over. ~ Nicole Holofcener

They sent the shrink round yesterday. He's put me on Prozac. Prozac! He thinks I'm depressed.'
'Aren't you depressed?'
'I wasn't depressed.'
'You did try to kill yourself,' I pointed out.
'Yes. That's what he said too. Apparently that's a classic symptom. It's not thought a sane plan of action for someone in my situation. ~ Gavin Extence

The man approached. He stood tall, at least six three, maybe six four. Broad shoulders. Long legs in black pants. His black hair fell in a tangled mess on his shoulders. It looked like he might have cut it himself with a knife and then tied a leather cord around his forehead to keep it somewhat pinned. I looked at his face. Handsome bastard. Defined jaw, chiseled cheekbones, full lips. Eyes like black fire. The kind of eyes that jumped from a woman's dreams right into her morning and made trouble in the marriage bed.
He gave me a feral grin. "Like what you see, dove?"
"Nope." I hadn't had sex in eighteen months. Pardon me while I struggle with my hormone overload.
Shave that jaw, brush the hair, tone down the crazy in the eyes, and he would have to fight off women with that crossbow. ~ Ilona Andrews

You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything. ~ Colin Quinn

"Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!" ~ Denis Leary

When I get up in the morning, I go and I work with beautiful women and charming men and funny comedians and dramatic artists. And I'm presented with costumes and great music to choose from and sets. I travel a certain amount of places, so I've been living in a bubble. And I like it. ~ Woody Allen

Life at times is a bunch of crap, the nice part about crap is that it's biodegradable. ~ Kyle Johnson

That's the way it was every time I studied it. ~ Eugene Ormandy

I'm not a sexual person, really. I don't really care about sex. ~ Paris Hilton

It's funny how giving up control can actually end up putting things back in place. But that's what I'm learning, that too much of something ends up yielding the opposite reaction. ~ Laurie Elizabeth Flynn

When I was a little girl, I was the girl laughing at things that are actually funny. I wasn't one of them girls sitting in a circle giggling silently at stupid stuff. I LAUGHED and I laughed loud and wonderfully! I laughed at things that are funny and offensive and stirring and hilarious! Girls are raised to not have wit, to have no sense of humour, to only be quiet and sweet, and to be offended by everything! Girls are raised to not be people. I was born into this world determined to be a person! And I did it. ~ C. JoyBell C.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy. ~ Craig Ferguson

It's always funny to find what people's button is. ~ Seth Rogen

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.' ~ Jim Gaffigan

You can't hold someone who
Wants to leave
You can't clutch a memory
As if it were today
You can't take an insult
Close to heart
You can't grasp for glory
From your chair
You can't seize life
Thinking only of loss
And you can't grab a laser pointer dot
On the wall
No matter how much you try
These hard-earned truths I give to you ~ Francesco Marciuliano

Anyway ... she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a horse who knows a goat who knows another horse- ~ Rick Riordan

Two things, generally, for me, is what life is about. And they're not funny. Living in the moment, is one. And No. 2 is getting out of yourself and helping other people. Because all of my suffering stems from thinking from myself. ~ Bobby Lee

Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

This is what my high school life had become - a horror show of epic, mind-fuck proportions. ~ G.G. Silverman

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room. ~ Mercedes McCambridge

My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked. ~ Henny Youngman