Some Humorous Quotes

You need to relax and be yourself, not whoever it is you're trying to be in your mad little head. I bloody don't, though. I'm me and I'm good at it. ~ Nick Harkaway

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare. ~ Dave Barry

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before. ~ Stewart Lee Beck

I'm OK with being single, but I'm not OK when the time comes where I have to move my furniture around and to change the high ceiling light balls ... ~ Hiroko Sakai

Looks to me like Felicity didn't enjoy being mauled, Daniel pointed out reasonably. When what he reasonably wanted to do, was shove Stuart's head so far up his ass the next time he gargled he'd give himself a colonic. -Felicity Stripped Bare ~ Vanessa Jaye

The Japanese have become so smitten with the Western condiment - its texture as silky as a kimono, its tang as understated as the tang of Zen - that today they have a word for mayonnaise junkie: mayora. ~ Tom Robbins

I screamed, Go to hell! in the car, and the GPS took me to my mother-in-law's house. ~ Emma Beasley

I doubt very much that writers ever go to therapy. I wouldn't! I imagine that I wouldn't have anything to write about after! ~ Angelina Assanti

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. ~ Paul Lynde

Have you ever heard of a condom? Don't Carpathians have condoms? Because I'm thinking that if you're all that worried, a condom might be just the thing."
His smile was slow in coming. "I had not thought of that. As a rule Carpathians do not need such things. ~ Christine Feehan

Yes, magnifliant. Magnificent, brilliant, splendid, superb. I could go on. ~ Ally Broadfield

If somebody tells me what to do, I will do my best not to do it. ~ Hiroko Sakai

Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road ... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD. ~ Bill Maher

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that. ~ Mark Twain

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass." ~ George Carlin

On the toilet no one is a star. Remember that and you will go far in life. ~ Ruby Wax

Occupation: Writer
Occupational Hazard: Carpel tunnel
Solution: Wrist guards to bed or my hands do all the sleeping
Perspective: I've decided my wrist guards have turned me into a Ninja Superhero that hides in the shadows ~ Christy Hall

Though she doesn't remember any trauma, she said that her parents told her she cried on a daily basis and her grandmother resorted to passing out candy so the kids would play with her. Though it was a humorous moment, Mila said, "I know, God bless her. She's an amazing, amazing woman." ~ Mila Kunis

We are the directors of our own life, creating our own version of truth, which can be humorous, pleasurable, miserable, brutal, or stupid. Reconciling loss and misfortune can provide a sense of sublimity or catharsis. ~ Kilroy J. Oldster

One acronym to live by: PDADP, meaning Personal Displays of Affection Disturb People. ~ Michelle A. Lammers

I think it would be totally inappropriate for me to even contemplate what I am thinking about. ~ Don Mazankowski

So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief. ~ John Fante

A massage is just like a movie, really relaxing and a total escape, except in a massage you're the star. And you don't miss anything by falling asleep! ~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

You've reached Fangtasia, where the undead live again every night ... For bar hours, press one. To make a party reservation, press two. To talk to a live person or a dead vampire, press three. Or, if you were intending to leave a humorous prank message on our answering machine, know this: we will find you.
-Pam ~ Charlaine Harris

Do you like him? Ty asked. "Not that I care." "I do," I said, because it was true. Even though it didn't matter anymore. "Not that I care you don't care. Though you clearly do care, and I don't care about that either." "Well, I don't care that you don't care that I don't care. In fact i'm glad. Because, um, if I were seeming someone that I liked, I'd want you to be happy for me.""Are you seeing someone?" I asked, pretty sure he wasn't. "Not that I care. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. ~ Mark Twain

It pains me to see how modern society has totally corrupted the limerick and given it the reputation of lewdness which, in turn, has morally barred our children from even taking a peek into this wonderful form of fun and rhythm. I think Edward Lear would turn in his grave if he knew that.
I have therefore decided to reinvent the limerick as it was originally intended: to poke fun, irreverence, just plain daftness, or erroneous behaviour. ~ Bernie Morris

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. ~ Bjarne Stroustrup

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. ~ George Carlin

The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.. ~ Dave Barry

And I'll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and rip all that shiny black hair from your head, then break your skinny arms and legs, and set you on fire, and then put you out with a hammer. And should there be children from your beastly rutting, I shall have the Russian man cut them to tiny pieces and feed them to Madame Jacob's dog. because, although he may be only a worthless, simpleminded, libertine artist, Lucien is my favorite, and I will not have him hurt. Do you understand? ~ Christopher Moore

Basker possesses three kinds of bite: a snap, a nip, and then something like a buzz saw and an angle grinder mounted on a bear trap. ~ Peter Hoeg

Jim Rosato was recently married, to a Greek nurse. Rosato was half Irish and half Italian, and there was a pool on at the 1st as to which of the two would arrive at work wearing the other's skin as a hat within the year. ~ Warren Ellis

Manage by objectives. Tell people exactly what you want them to do and then get out of their way. ~ Brian Tracy

Is this spirited man the cook?" she shouted. "Are you responsible for this delightful feast? What a piece of luck! ... What is it you say, Mr. Apples?"
"Like shittin' with the pope."
"No, the other thing, less vulgar."
"Whistlin' donkey."
"Quite! A surprise and a delight like a whistling ... How is it that these phrases make sense when you say them? Anyway, bring him along. ~ Eli Brown

Ladies glisten, men perspire, horses sweat.

-Early Nun Quote, The Old Ursuline Convent (1727)
New Orleans, LA ~ Diana Hollingsworth Gessler

The notion of a record is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card. ~ Dennis Ritchie

First, there was Confucius. Then, the sayings of Chairman Mao. And now the pithy, ironic, and humorous insights of Ai Weiwei. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this collection, which reflects a well-developed philosophy as well as a keen understanding of the Chinese Communist system. This is China made easy and interesting. ~ Jerome A. Cohen

Where's the pleasure in bein' the winner if the loser ain't alive to know they've lost? ~ Terry Pratchett

In fact it was altogether an odd dog, of uncertain breed, or breeds. It was large and black, but its hair was tufty, its body scrawny and clumsy, and its manner edgy, anxious, verging on the completely neurotic. Whenever it came to a halt for a moment or so, the business of starting up again often seemed to cause it trouble, as if it had difficulty in remembering where it had left each of its legs. ~ Douglas Adams

One son appears in stereo - a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.. ~ Erma Bombeck