Snarky Humor Quotes

I know I'm asking a lot. You'd need to start talking, stop growling, and bathe. No offense meant, but you look like a crazy man the way you are. ~ Melissa Haag

Clearing his throat, he rumbled, "Miss Darling, a word if you please."
"Sesquipedalian," she said, keeping her back towards him.
The strange response momentarily stunned him. "Pardon?"
Turning around, she leaned against the counter and grinned at him, "You asked for a word and I gave you one. It means 'many syllabled' and while it's exceedingly pretentious it is a lot of fun to say. Sesquipedalian; it tangles up the tongue and then just falls right off.
"Or perhaps you would prefer a different word?" she continued guilelessly and he was completely charmed by her. "Tittle, which is the little dot over i's and j's; or Ornithopter, an aircraft that flies by flapping its wings; Tuatha De Danan Lora or Expector Patronum?"
"Now you're just making words up," he grinned, and realized he had missed talking to her. ~ A.C. Warneke

He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars. ~ Marika Christian

Elinor had some difficulty here to refrain from observing, that she thought Fanny might have borne with composure, an acquisition of wealth to her brother, by which neither she nor her child could be possibly impoverished. ~ Jane Austen

I guess Smart Seth is glad, he said reluctantly. But be careful. Idiot Seth is the guy to watch out for. ~ Brandon Mull

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train. ~ Joan Rivers

Veeva squirmed up and down the length of me, vibrating like a coin operated motel bed. When she stopped kissing my mouth, I said, It sounds so great, Veeva. Just you and me with our brand new plastic surgery noses, running for our lives, hating each other's guts ... Both of us getting to look more and more like Michael Jackson every day. ~ Dan Ahearn

He spoke in a trembling voice that didn't seem to be entirely in sync with the movement of his lips. That's because sound travels slower in halitosis. ~ Sorin Suciu

A woman with long, blonde hair stood for a moment on the other side of the door. She looked similar to his date. Was she entering or leaving the coffee house?
Before Paul could confirm her identity or stand and run after her, she strode away and disappeared in the crowd. ~ Cheryl Sterling

Just because someone's a pain in the ass in life, doesn't mean when they're dead, we shouldn't be respectful. ~ M. Judeth Nelson

Something girls never understood about poker night. The real point of the card play was to razz. Razzing calls forth unbridled farm-boy humour, earthy by some standards. The best quip involves belittling someone else's penis, or turning it back on the sayer, or both. ~ Allan Dare Pearce

Someone dying asks if there is life after death. Yes, comes the answer, only not yours. ~ E.L. Doctorow

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. ~ Mitch Hedberg

All masculine, hard-bodied and sensual, he was a deadly weapon sent by the gods to drive women mad, and a walking billboard for all things wicked and carnal. Orgasms! Get your orgasms here. Hot and juicy! Just how you like 'em! ~ Lisa Sanchez

How do YOU want to greet him?!"

"By licking his neck? ~ Chloe Seager

I don't like that guy. He calls the cops for everything. ~ Joji Tsubota

Studies have shown that an ant can carry one hundred times its own weight, but there is no known limit to the lifting power of the average tiny eighty-year-old Spanish peasant grandmother. ~ Terry Pratchett

You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?"
"I've a knife in my boot," she said, and then wondered, for a moment, if she could throttle a moose with her bare hands. ~ Kristin Cashore

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle. ~ Jim Norton

As one veteran Russian pilot dryly told me:We have to be very careful flying in the clouds. Around here they are full of rocks. ~ Alan Hinkes

A woman's voice answered, "Hello?"
Walter cried back at her, "Hello, oh Lord, hello!"
"This is a recording," recited the woman's voice. "Miss Helen Arasumian is not home. Will you leave a message on the wire spool so she may call you when she returns? Hello? This is a recording. Miss Helen Arasumian is not home. Will you leave a message -"
He hung up.
He sat with his mouth twitching.
On second thought he redialed that number.
"When Miss Helen Arasumian comes home," he said, "tell her to go to hell. ~ Ray Bradbury

I always thought that about the Garden of Eden story," said Ford.
"Eh?"
"Garden of Eden. Tree. Apple. That bit, remember?"
"Yes of course I do."
"Your God person puts an apple tree in the middle of a garden and says do what you like guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting 'Gotcha'. It wouldn't have any difference if they hadn't eaten it."
"Why not?"
"Because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end."
"What are you talking about?"
"Never mind, eat the fruit. ~ Douglas Adams

What is this thing? Did you make it?"
"I am a chemist, aren't I?" Laurence says.
"You own a meth-lab," Benjamin says. "That does not qualify you as a chemist. ~ Sam Hunter

Be happy, be fun, let your hair down and be AGELESS! ~ Margo Vader

Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way. ~ George Carlin

How come abbreviated is such a long word? ~ Steven Wright

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. ~ Rita Rudner

Everybody knew gentlemen could be obtuse, especially when it came to matters of the heart. Everybody knew, as well, that gentlemen needed to believe they were in charge. Therefore, ladies had to learn ways of communicating the obvious without being obvious about it. ~ Loretta Chase

Dr. Pervy-Pants
Dr. Depravity
Dr. Ain't-Puttin'-Out
Dr. Bossy-as-Fuck
Dr. Obsessive-Compulsive
Dr. Kinkybones
Dr. Deviant
Dr. Oh-So-Proper-I-Iron-My-Jeans
Dr. Lick-My-Boots
Dr. Smug-as-Shit
Dr. Love-Me-Love-My-Butt-Nozzle
Dr. Damn-Your-Dick-is-Motherfucking-Big
Dr. Full-of-Shit
Dr. Smack-a-Lot
Dr. Ruined-Me-For-Anyone-Else ~ Finn Marlowe

Reach down inside yourself, Peabody, and get a grip on reality, however slippery. ~ J.D. Robb

My new apartment might be a place where there are lots of children. They might gather on my porch to play, and when I step out for groceries, they will ask me, "Hi, do you have any kids?" and then, "Why not, don't you like kids?"
"I like kids," I will explain. "I like kids very much." And when I almost run over them with my car, in my driveway, I will feel many different things. ~ Lorrie Moore

Magrat said she could never make the wand do that and Esme said no because, she wasted time wishing for thinges to happen instead of working out how to make them happen. ~ Terry Pratchett

Girls don't want boys, girls want high-speed internet and dragons. ~ Speranza

Mr. Montgomery pushes the envelope. It's everything we shouldn't do, yet, he makes us want to, anyway. ~ Nadlee Thims

I think that sense of humor is important in marriage. A sense of humor gets people through marriage. ~ Kyle Chandler

Yeah, well, that won't matter if your throat starts swelling and you die in my passenger seat." That could happen with an allergic reaction. He'd seen it on the Discovery Channel. ~ Katee Robert

I cannot believe that you're still a girl. Your kisses don't seem that innocent. They are driving me crazy. ~ Olga Goa

Justin: "Say hi to Paul Thompson for me," he added.
Madeline: "Garrlgh," I gagged. The corner of his lips curled up.
Justin: "What was that?"
Madeline: "That was vomit creeping up the back of my mouth when you mentioned Paul's name. ~ Katie Kacvinsky

Holy Zarquon, did I ask for an existentialist elevator? ~ Douglas Adams

He let the curtain drop and the terrible light that had played on his features went off to play somewhere more healthy. ~ Douglas Adams

Norris didn't cry, but he was apt to puke on them, the way he had puked on homer gamache that time he had found homer sprawled in a ditch out by homeland cemetary, beaten to death with his own artificial arm. ~ Stephen King

It's the Cuyahoga River that puts the cleave in Cleveland, separating East from Midwest, integration from segregation, a place that sees itself as America's westernmost Eastern city from a place that sees itself as the easternmost midwestern city. The rest of the country sees it as neither, though it must be said that the rest of the country is perversely wont to misunderstand Cleveland. ~ Mark Winegardner

He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~ Mae West

I feel like I'm going to die,' he says.
'Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?'
'Only if you do it quietly.'
'I met this girl last night. I need your advice.'
'Come back later.'
'No. You might be dead. ~ Doug MacLeod

So what are you guys doing?" Deacon sat beside them. He pulled his physics book from under Mark's bed.
"Having guy talk," Mark said.
Brandon snorted.
"No, really. I read an article in Time about how guys share their feelings and whatever now. As long as we mention the name of a sports team once in this conversation, we're totally manly. Also, erogenous zones are science. ~ Lisa Henry

The Wizard was from a place called America, and to him, a female ruler was a strange and unsettling notion. ~ Danielle Paige

you don't have the luxury of whipping out your dicks and seeing who's bigger ~ Alanea Alder

A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good. ~ Lois Greiman

I make love like farm equipment - not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can't tell it. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot. ~ Ian Strang

What makes a Ford run faster? when its being hauled by Duramax! ~ Kassi