Sly Humor Quotes

Look!" Mr. Poe said, who was still too far to help but close enough to see. "Genghis has an eye tattoo, like Count Olaf! In fact, I think he IS Count Olaf!"
"Of course he is!" Violet cried, holding up the unraveled turban.
"Merd!" Sunny shrieked, holding up a tiny piece of shoelace. She meant something like "That's what we've been trying to tell you. ~ Lemony Snicket

Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else does. ~ Steuart Henderson Britt

Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?" Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really
good point, they should ... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me! ~ Bo Burnham

I looked back at the two of them. I knew I didn't have the sharpest knives carving my Christmas turkey but I had what I had. ~ Vera Jane Cook

Every town you go to, they tell you what's special about their town. What they're number one at ... This guy comes up and says, 'D'you know that we're the home of the world's largest frying pan?'
' ... Really! That is great 'cause I'm writin' a new book called Things I Don't Care About. ~ Tim Hawkins

PISTOL-
Say'st thou me so? is that a ton of moys? Come hither, boy: ask me this slave in French What is his name.
Boy-
Ecoutez: comment etes-vous appele?
French Soldier-
Monsieur le Fer.
Boy-
He says his name is Master Fer.
PISTOL-
Master Fer! I'll fer him, and firk him, and ferret him: discuss the same in French unto him.
Boy-
I do not know the French for fer, and ferret, and firk. ~ William Shakespeare

Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I'd rather not think about – the sex of my guitar, for instance. If I honestly wanted to put my hands on a woman, would that automatically mean I could play? Gretchen's teacher never told her to think of her piano as a boy. Neither did Lisa's flute teacher, though in that case the analogy was obvious. On the off chance that sexual desire was all it took, I steered clear of Lisa's instrument, fearing that I might be labeled a prodigy. ~ David Sedaris

I put a chameleon on a red dildo... He blushed ~ Bo Burnham

In the middle of all beliefs you'll find a single lie. ~ Samuel L. Drew

Meaning what? We're going to pretend nothing's going on? That's stupid. The only way to deal with any of this is to get it out in the open.
Have you been watching Oprah again? ~ James Patterson

Using no control and using humor will build a relationship and make a dent to where the client puts the counselor in their quality world and then begins to relate and seek out the counselor. Effective therapy begins with the acceptance of the therapist into the client's quality world. ~ William Glasser

I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers ~ Josh Stern

Sometimes being a MOM is like a good
ol' country song! You lose your sleep, you lose your hair, you lose your patience, you lose your energy, you lose your memory AND you lose your SANITY! But you DO IT all for LOVE! ~ Tanya Masse

I believe I'm done for," said Tom. "The cussed sneaking dog, to leave me to die alone! My poor old mother always told me 'twould be so. ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

Being preoccupied is good. ~ Rhea Gutigulao

I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal education. ~ Tallulah Bankhead

And your life,' Katie said to Christy, 'is turning into a rather predictable romance. Girl meets boy. Boy is a dork for four years. Girl blossoms into a gorgeous woman. Boy finds his brain. Girl turns into starry-eyed mush head. ~ Robin Jones Gunn

I think the Book burned it, poor guy. ~ Kami Garcia

He has his head in the clouds. He must live in a skyscraper. ~ Ljupka Cvetanova

Do you believe in ghosts? ~ Terry Spear

Of course, I must say that I don't think America is God's gift to anybody--if it is, God's days have got to be numbered. That God these people say they serve--and do serve, in ways that they don't know--has got a very nasty sense of humor. Like you'd beat the shit out of Him, if He was a man. Or: if you were. ~ James Baldwin

Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished. ~ Leslie Nielsen

...Nothing is more disgusting than a glass of milk, especially French milk, which comes in a box and can sit unrefrigerated for five months, at which point it simply turns into cheese and is moved to a different section of the grocery store. ~ David Sedaris

There also wasn't one single bit of grass or dirt outside the airport. Even the median strip was a concrete sidewalk. Where did Atlanta's pet travelers pee? Maybe city dogs just learned to use the sidewalk. We kept walking. It looked like if we crossed the road that all the cars used to get onto the highway, we might come to a planted-up area, but we also might get killed.
Finally, I just lifted Cannoli up and plopped her down on a great big ashtray built into the top of the trash barrel. "Good thing you're not a German shepherd," I said. ~ Claire Cook

You can talk any redneck into a challenge. That's why so many rednecks die in strange ways. ~ Jase Robertson

Which leads me to ask ... what exactly are you going to do when we get there?"
I thought about it. "Rip Josh's nuggets off and feed them to his hamster? ~ Gemma Halliday

Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

The next week she withheld my paycheck until I signed a document (drafted by David) in which I promised not to marry Connor. Ever. I signed the document, took the check, and had David draft another document forbidding all Spellmans to practice any form of blackmail. David tried to explain to me that a contract in which you promise not to break the law is ultimately redundant, but I didn't care. ~ Lisa Lutz

There were many ways to extract information if you have more time? but if you were in a rush, they recommended flaying, crushing digits, or electrocuting the genitalia.(Say what you will about the Russians, they certainly didn't beat around the bush.) ~ B. Justin Shier

I never suspected you had a sense of humor," she mused aloud, studying his face as if he were a fascinating puzzle to be figured out. "See? Hardly ten minutes into the night and I am already learning fabulous things about you."
"Imagine what will happen in an hour," he said.
"That sounded suspiciously liberal to me," she rejoined slyly, reaching to wind her arms around his neck. "Did I mention that you look like you just stepped off a pirate ship? This outfit is very . . . roguish."
"Roguish?"
"'Roguish' is a word from the English language," she lectured. "It means . . . to be like a rogue. In your case, to be in the style of a rogue. Roguish."
"I know what it means, Neliss. I do not believe I have ever heard myself described in such a way before. I shall have to take your word on that." He reached up to push back some of the heavy fall of her hair. "You always wear dresses like this, and almost never bind your hair. Do not take this as a complaint, but I was wondering why that is."
"I like dresses. I never quite took to the idea of skirts above the ankle. I guess I am an old-fashioned eighteenth-century girl."
"I see. And just when, exactly, should I begin to look for those pigs that will be flying by?"
"You know, you sit there and accuse me of having a smart mouth?"
"Well, you were wondering what part of you was going to show up in me," he rejoined.
"Oh. Ha ha. Your stellar wit has charmed me straight to my toes," was her dr ~ Jacquelyn Frank

I just proposed to Isabelle," (Simon) announced.
Beatriz screamed with excitement. Some of the students, fearing a demon attack, also screamed. One of them fell off a rafter and thumped to the ground on a training mat. Clary burst into happy tears and threw her arms around Simon.
Jace lay down on the floor, arms thrown wide. "We're going to be family," he said glumly. "You and me, Simon, we're going to be brothers. People will think we're related."
"No one will think that," Simon said, his voice muffled against Clary's hair. ~ Cassandra Clare

They say you don't want to meet your heroes, but those two guys, you do want to meet them, because they do not disappoint. Walken has this amazing sense of humor, and Pacino is like just a sweetheart of a guy. ~ Bill Burr

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language. ~ Caroline Rhea

He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower. ~ Terry Pratchett

Venice is a Dorian Gray city. Somewhere up there in the world's attic, there's another place with the haggard, poxed and ravaged face of unspeakable evil. And I suspect it's Cardiff. ~ A.A. Gill