Slaves Funny Quotes

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'" ~ Mitch Hedberg

You go through at least the first two years of Star Trek and you find some amazing stuff. Everything that was going on Gene put into the series. He just put strange costumes on the actors and painted them funny colours and left the same situation in. ~ Majel Barrett

Music is funny. I shouldn't even ever talk about music, because you can have all the ideas in your head, and it never goes exactly the way that you think it's gonna go. ~ Alicia Keys

At each of these northern posts there were interesting experiences in store for me, as one who had read all the books of northern travel and dreamed for half a lifetime of the north; and that was - almost daily meeting with famous men. ~ Ernest Thompson Seton

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel. ~ Groucho Marx

Funny + sad is what I'm pitching for, every time. ~ Nick Hornby

Men of vision. Oh, I love the fine names men give each other to hide their greed and lust for adventure. ~ Charles MacArthur

It's quite clear that Virginia Wade is thriving on the pressure now that the pressure on her to do well is off . ~ Harry Carpenter

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11. ~ Frankie Boyle

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End ... ' ~ Tim Vine

When you have great players, playing great, well that's great football! ~ John Madden

These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying. ~ Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf

Gideon could not imagine any other young unmarried woman of his acquaintance passing up the opportunity to snare, if not himself, then the Carradice fortune. In any case, the number of women who'd rejected him in any way was gratifyingly small. Yet Miss Prudence Merridew had most unmistakably rejected him. Several times. Wielding that damned lethal reticule like a little Amazon, to emphasize her point. ~ Anne Gracie

If all of your friends are morons is it a
felony, a misdemeanor or an act of God if
you blow their fucking heads off with a
thirty-eight magnum? ~ Bret Easton Ellis

I predict that I'll be breaking out the 'right to a trial defense' again," I said, trying to not act any weirder than I already was.

"You don't think he'll be willing to plead guilty?"

"Probably not. He firmly believes that claiming to be a complete idiot will get him off."

"You're very funny," he said, leaning against the defense table right next to me again.

"Mr. Pierce, in my line of work, one either laughs or cries and I would rather laugh." Oh Jesus H. Christ! I sounded like a country western song. ~ N.M. Silber

I am pleased to say I find nothing funny, sir," Bent replied as they reached the bottom of the stairs. "I have no sense of humor whatsoever. None at all. It has been proven by phrenology. I have Nichtlachen-Keinwortz syndrome, which for some curious reason is considered a lamentable affliction. I, on the other hand, consider it a gift. I am happy to say that I regard the sight of a fat man slipping on a banana skin as nothing more than an unfortunate accident that highlights the need for care in the disposal of household waste." "Have you tried - " Moist began, but Bent held up a hand. "Please! I repeat, I do not regard it as a burden! And may I say it annoys me when people assume it is such! Do not feel impelled to try to make me laugh, sir! If I had no legs, would you try to make me run? I am quite happy, thank you!" He ~ Terry Pratchett

I have been waiting twenty years for someone to say to me: "You have to fight fire with fire" so that I could reply, "That's funny-I always use water." ~ Howard Gossage

Anyone who could build a universe in six days isn't going to let a little thing like that happen. Unless they want it to, of course." "Oh, come on. Be sensible," said Aziraphale, doubtfully. "That's not good advice," said Crowley. "That's not good advice at all. If you sit down and think about it sensibly, you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying 'THIS IS IT!'? ~ Terry Pratchett

Henry Miller is a famous writer whose work has fallen out of fashion, but I strongly recommend that readers who don't know his work pick up a book and experience this writer's zealous, crazy, inventive, funny, sexy, often delirious prose. ~ Siri Hustvedt

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse. ~ Dylan Moran

A better thing to grow up with is to be funny I think, and if I had, if I had my choice I would still pick that. ~ Joy Behar

Folks are funny. They can't stick to one way of thinking or doing anything unless they get a new reason for doing it ever so often. ~ William Faulkner

The scholar does not consider gold and jade to be precious treasures, but loyalty and good faith. ~ Confucius

If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.' ~ Demetri Martin

Finance is a slave's word. ~ Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Daddy is trying really fugging hard to think of a not-terrifying reason why you'd wake Daddy up in the middle of the night to ask that fugging question. But no. No. Daddy does not have a match or a lighter. ~ John Green

I'm not a comedian. I don't make things funny if they're not funny. I don't invent funny stuff. ~ Morgan Freeman

I see that you have come to the last stage of human life; you are close upon your hundreth year, or even beyond: come now, hold an audit of your life. Reckon how much of your time has been taken up by a money-lender, how much by a mistress, a patron, a client, quarreling with your wife, punishing your slaves, dashing about the city on your social obligations. Consider also the diseases which we have brought on ourselves, and the time too which has been unused. You will find that you have fewer years than you reckon. Call to mind when you ever had a fixed purpose; how few days have passed as you had planned; when you were ever at your own disposal; when your face wore its natural expression; when your mind was undisturbed; what work you have achieved in such a long life; how many have plundered your life when you were unaware of your losses; how much you have lost through groundless sorrow, foolish joy, greedy desire, the seductions of society; how little of your own was left to you. You will realize that you are dying prematurely. ~ Seneca

It took a long time, but my heart now feels full when I think of him. When you fall in love again - which I have - it's funny the other things that come back in with that open-ness. You have this ghost chorus of the lovers who came before, but they're benign now, they're good spirits. ~ Emma Forrest

Today as always, men fall into two groups: slaves and free men. Whoever does not have two-thirds of his day for himself, is a slave, whatever he may be: a statesman, a businessman, an official, or a scholar. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Myths tend to spiral out of control. Do you howl at the full moon and steal maidens to devour?"
"Depends on the maiden," he said.
Was he flirting with me? Devouring didn't really go with flirting, but his tone of voice did. Was this how werewolves flirted? Hey, baby, if I had to kill any girl and eat her flesh, it would be you ...
clean sweep ~ Ilona Andrews

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't
scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and
not have a full on panic attack. ~ Bill Burr

So it was just funny to read a script that was just similar to what had been going on in my life. ~ Piper Perabo

Everyone is messed up in their own way. The funny part is we all don't want anyone else to know, so we work so hard to hide it. ~ Shana Norris

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last. ~ Evan Esar

The less one has to do, the less time one finds to do it in. ~ Lord Chesterfield

I almost turned around right there. Stupid, yeah, but PTSADS doesn't care how stupid a trigger is. If you need me to spell that out, it's Post-Traumatic Stuffed Animal Death Syndrome. I thought it was pretty funny. Mom and the psychologist did not. The psychologist said I had substituted George for Dad and I actually had post-dad syndrome. I told her George was a fucking bunny. ~ Leah Raeder

God' is a funny word, it implies omnipotence and omniscience. Let me assure, I am neither. ~ Brian McClellan

He preserved the union and freed the slaves. ~ Daniel H. Pink

Oh, fuck me. And not in the nice way, where I have two orgasms and someone makes me breakfast in the morning. ~ Lila Monroe

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. ~ Erma Bombeck

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity. ~ Natasha Leggero

You saved Dad's life. If anyone's got the right to eavesdrop on him, it's you. ~ J.K. Rowling

Halfway home, the sky goes from dark gray to almost black and a loud thunder snap accompanies the first few raindrops that fall. Heavy, warm, big drops, they drench me in seconds, like an overturned bucket from the sky dumping just on my head. I reach my hands up and out, as if that can stop my getting wetter, and open my mouth, trying to swallow the downpour, till it finally hits me how funny it is, my trying to stop the rain.

This is so funny to me, I laugh and laugh, as loud and free as I want. Instead of hurrying to higher ground, I jump lower, down off the curb, splashing through the puddles, playing and laughing all the way home. In all my life till now, rain has meant staying inside and not being able to go out to play. But now for the first time I realize that rain doesn't have to be bad. And what's more, I understand, sadness doesn't have to be bad, either. Come to think of it, I figure you need sadness, just as you need the rain.

Thoughts and ideas pour through my awareness. It feels to me that happiness is almost scary, like how I imagine being drunk might feel - real silly and not caring what anybody else says. Plus, that happy feeling always leaves so fast, and you know it's going to go before it even does. Sadness lasts longer, making it more familiar, and more comfortable. But maybe, I wonder, there's a way to find some happiness in the sadness. After all, it's like the rain, something you can't avoid. And so, it seems to me, if you're cau ~ Antwone Quenton Fisher

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap'n Crunch and I'd have to take a nap. ~ M.J. McGuire

My ideal guy would be funny and fun to be around. ~ Miranda Cosgrove

Goddess damn it, being a Siren quite literally sucked… she was a fricking straw for a ravenous rock.
Charisse grit her teeth in determination, unconsciously pulling up first one drooping sock, then the other… we'll just see about that bitch. ~ Jane Cousins

If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any "spare" change. ~ Dave Barry