Shopping Funny Quotes

This makes me so sore it gets my dandruff up. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

We are the conductors of the beauty of the orchestra of our inner lives. Keep a Händel on it and don't hold Bach! ~ Tom Althouse

The funny thing is that some reviews are published in magazines and websites that are seen by millions of people, and other reviews are in very small publications or less popular websites, and you just have to be lucky to have the good reviews land in places where more people see them, and bad reviews land in places where they will be less seen. ~ Jeffrey Lewis

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was. ~ Frank Carson

Dude," I said low. "All cornfields are haunted. Trust me. I know." Then I came up on my elbows so I was closer to him and I said quietly, "They whisper to you." ~ Kristen Ashley

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny. ~ Dane Cook

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.. ~ Noel Fielding

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." ~ Steven Wright

For someone so conflicted, who am I to give advice to anybody? It's such a funny, grandiose idea ~ Florence Welch

Friends should be like books, few, but hand-selected. ~ C.J. Langenhoven

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game. ~ Bill Bailey

A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns. ~ Mario Puzo

The first time someone asked me if I was pregnant, I was eating friend cheese at the Summit County Fair ~ Olive B. Persimmon

Piers looked up at him. 'You're new. What's your name?'
'Neythen, my lord.'
'Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I'm sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won't live a month. No, no, there's nothing I can do. Sandys would have preferred hearing that to syphilis. ~ Eloisa James

There's no time to waste," Kai said. He did a backflip off the tower and ran off.
"What is it with that guy?" Jay asked. "Always in a rush! ~ Greg Farshtey

A Complicated Kindness is just that: funny and strange, spellbinding and heartbreaking, this novel is a complicated kindness from a terrifically talented writer. ~ Gail Anderson-Dargatz

Funny how any sentence that started with "honestly" usually wasn't. ~ Jay Bell

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order ~ Josh Stern

Get over it. What a funny phrase that is! As if one's grief is a fallen house, and one has to pick one's way over the rubble to the ground on the other side… ~ Sarah Waters

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? ~ Steven Wright

[An example of misattribution:]

If you don't know the source of a quote,
you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.

- Mark Twain ~ Jakub Marian

...avoid – like the measles – phony laughter. No, really. If you don't find it to be funny, don't laugh. More evil and injustice has gotten a foothold in this world because of polite, counterfeit laughter – a desire to not "offend", or to not be "peculiar" - than anything else.

But when you do laugh, let your belly shimmy. ~ Jenna Brooks

I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag. ~ Molly Ivins

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it. ~ Chic Murray

By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

Is it necessary, do you think,' he began, leaning in so close behind me that I could smell his breath, 'for the purpose of visiting your grandmother's childhood home, to dress like a kindergarten whore? ~ Danielle Wood

Well, Clive, it's all about the two Ms - movement and positioning. ~ Ron Atkinson

A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child. ~ Bill Cosby

The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot. ~ Ian Strang

A chap wouldn't hole up in Occupied France just to get away from his wife, Vesta. ~ Sara Sheridan

Fate has a funny way of intervening in people's lives. ~ Katie Ashley

You scared the crap out of me," I shove his bare chest with a growl. "Was
that you at the front door?"
"Ya think?" He fires back with a raise of his eyebrows, taking hold of my arm
again, as he practically drags me back
toward the front entry.
"Did it occur to you to say something?" I shoot back with a scowl. "I thought
you were some kind of psychopath."
My frown deepens, as I consider whether he might in fact be a psychopath. ~ M.A. George

Besides, do you think you would have come if I'd just popped into your tattoo shop one night around closing and
said, 'Hello, I'm the Prince of Darkness. Think you could help me out
with a little war next Tuesday, say, sixish? ~ Richard Kadrey

Maybe I think you're cute and funny. Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean. ~ Ingrid Michaelson

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. ~ Oscar Wilde

Why, god, why? Why have you deserted me in my moment of need? I'm going to die. I'm going to internally combust never knowing what if feels like to be inside of my girlfriend.
Life is so unfair. ~ Cheryl McIntyre

Psst!" said a voice, and he looked around to see a wispy little witch and the ferrety wizard from Magical Maintenance gesturing to him from over beside the statue. Harry hastened to join them.
"You got in all right, then?" Hermione whispered to Harry.
"No, he's still stuck in the bog," said Ron.
"Oh, very funny… ~ J.K. Rowling

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, How to Build a Boat. ~ Stephen Wright

The heroines in 'That's What She Said' are flawed, messy, damaged, hilarious and culpable and not really concerned about being acceptable to the audience in any traditional sense, which for me is what makes them all the more gorgeous. And the fearless truth of that is what makes it funny. ~ Carrie Preston

The only rule was that the stuff had to be funny and pretty short. To me, the quintessential Army Man joke was one of John Swartzwelder's: 'They can kill the Kennedys. Why can't they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?' It's a horrifying idea juxtaposed with something really banal-and yet there's a kind of logic to it. It's illuminating because it's kind of how Americans see things: Life's a big jumble, but somehow it leads to something I can consume. I love that. ~ George Meyer

Grocery shopping was intimidating...the aisles were filled with everything from jumbo to miniature travel-sized rations. Who could I call to ask, "Does the size even matter?" I dare not ask my ex-wife. ~ Tez Brooks

Puns are the highest form of literature. ~ Alfred Hitchcock

Hey," Trenton said, breathless and sweaty.
He pulled a few yellow strands of fake hair from his face.
"Did you lose a bet?" I asked.
"As a matter of fact, I did."
Taylor and Tyler were across the room, slapping their knees and laughing so hard they could barely breathe.
I slapped Trenton's ass. "You look hot, bro."
"Thanks," he said. The music started and he shook his hips at me. I pushed him away, and, undeterred, he danced across the room to entertain the crowd. ~ Jamie McGuire

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out. ~ Robin Williams