Seinfeld Quotes

I grew up with 'Friends' from day one and, like, 'Seinfeld' and 'Frazier,' those sorts of shows, but for sure, 'Friends' was it for our family. Like, we would watch every Thursday night at eight o'clock; I couldn't wait. ~ Kaley Cuoco

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Sex, that's meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that's heavy. That's like an hour. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I was young enough to certainly realize the excitement of how popular 'Seinfeld' was. ~ Tim DeKay

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I hate shows, personally, where people stand around tossing stuff at each other, and any character can say any line, because you don't believe any of these characters care for each other. I used to fight with my friends who wrote on 'Seinfeld,' because they had such great pride in saying it was a show about nothing. ~ Bill Lawrence

To me, in retrospect, it was amazing that 'Seinfeld' was a show that had such mass appeal. At first it was a disaster in the ratings, but then it became a cultural phenomenon. I don't know if that's possible anymore, but I don't try for that. ~ Bill Lawrence

The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

There is no community service in 'Seinfeld.' But rather than lauding that, I think it shows the insane banality of it. ~ Jason Alexander

Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

NBC. How could I not? I grew up watching Seinfeld, Johnny Carson, Late Night with David Letterman, and reruns of The Mothers-in-Law. ~ Tina Fey

Sometimes you can do certain things on stage, or even in a TV series, and people see the look on your face and they know what you mean, so you can get away with certain things. But if you can't create that look on an animated character, which is essentially a puppet, the line will hit the audience in a very bad way. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Economy is essential to all good art. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!" ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Any day you had gym class was a weird school day. It started off normal. You had English, Social Studies, Geometry, then suddenly your in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. Your hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on, teachers are yelling at you, kids are throwing dodge balls at you and snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's Science,Language, and History. Now that is a weird day. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

The doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say 'SERENITY NOW!' Are you supposed to yell it? The man on the tape wasn't specific. - Seinfeld ~ Charlie Hoehn

If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

No, no. It's not your fault. Books, books, I need my books. Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? - Jerry ~ Seinfeld

You look at shows like The Simpsons or Larry Sanders or Curb Your Enthusiasm or Seinfeld, they're really sophisticated shows that we all love back home. ~ Simon Pegg

The Seinfeld motto: No learning, no hugging. ~ Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter ... " ~ Jerry Seinfeld

[Comedian Jerry Seinfeld was nominated for a Grammy for his spoken-word children's album] Halloween ... Don't Give Up on Me. ~ Jamie Lee Curtis

I'll work with Jerry Seinfeld any day of the week. Get a nice little paycheck there, but you do it for free. It's just good to be associated with that man. He's a great guy. ~ Patrick Warburton

This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. JERRY SEINFELD ~ Christopher Ryan

Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I'm not really in touch with those 'Seinfeld' lads except Jason Alexander. ~ Wayne Knight

People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn't even know it because of all the jokes. It's like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids' brownies. Suckers! ~ Tina Fey

Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Do you know that fat little guy from Seinfeld? He has become the main pitchman for KFC, Jason Alexander. And beginning in May he is going to star in the West Coast production of 'The Producers.' It's made for us. We can be slamming him as the play opens. If we do this properly, he will wish he never saw a chicken. ~ Dan Mathews

That's the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

In our first season we had a 22 rating. Today Seinfeld, a hit show, gets a 15. Lost in Space actually had a bigger audience than Star Trek got at that time. ~ Mark Goddard

I looked exactly like the female version of George Costanza when I was in sixth grade… I insisted on dressing myself in monochromatic outfits. All my shirts had an animal performing an action on them. I had a pink sweater with penguins knitting to match my pink ribbed leggings. A hunter green shirt with dogs painting. ~ Olive B. Persimmon

You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I have no illusions about having another 'Seinfeld' in my life. ~ Jason Alexander

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

During the week, my days are consumed with school commitments, play-dates and work for Baby Buggy, a nonprofit I started, which collects kids' gear for parents in need. So on weekends, I look forward to uninterrupted time with my family. ~ Jessica Seinfeld

I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

In 2008, an Australian company commissioned a study to find out exactly how much people fear public speaking. The survey of more than one thousand people found that 23 percent feared public speaking more than death itself! As Jerry Seinfeld once said, most people attending a funeral would rather be in the casket than delivering the eulogy!
I can relate to those people because I feared speaking in front of a class or group of people more than anything else when I was a kid. In fact, I dropped speech in high school because when I signed up for it I thought it was a grammar class for an English credit. When I found out it actually required giving an oral presentation, I didn't want any part of it! After hearing the overview of the class on the first day, I got out of my seat and walked toward the door; the teacher asked me where I was going. We had a brief meeting in the hall, in which she informed me that nobody ever dropped her class. After a meeting with the principal, I dropped the class, but on the condition that I might be called upon in the near future to use my hunting and fishing skills. I thought the principal was joking--until I was called upon later that year during duck season to pick ducks during recess! I looked at it as a fair trade. ~ Jase Robertson

The Seinfeld writers began checking message boards and other sites regularly to gauge fan response to the episodes. ~ Jennifer Keishin Armstrong

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away." ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Sudenly Garge spring up and walk to the wall to admire some modarn art hanging on Frank and Estele Catandas wall. Hes impressed. Frank and Estele have always had a traditienel sensibility when it come to aesthetic matter's. For as long as he knew it, this space on the wall was ocupied by a Normen Rockwell print of a smileing child with a cast on his arm eating a handful of bird seed out of the hand of the postman. But now its replace with this minimelist art work, a large black rectangle. He make out hes bald reflectien in the imposibly smooth black surfece. It look like something that should be hang in the Moma (Museum Of Modarn Art).
"This is beauteful," Garge remark. "It seem like a stark comentary on the end of art. Who designe this?"
"Not art," Frank go. "Thats a televisien. ~ Seinfeld 2000

What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I had three jobs in college. The best day of my life was when I paid off my student loans, on my own. ~ Jessica Seinfeld

What is the story with the airport sinks, that they will not give us a twist-on twist-off human faucet. "Is it that too risky for the human population? We have to do the one-handed pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucets. "What is it they think we will do? Turn 'em all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!! ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as love for the whole family. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

The biggest laugh has to come at the end. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I watch sitcoms like Seinfeld, and here's a newsflash, but what a great show. ~ Scott Wolf

Seinfeld told his writers that nine was his lucky number, so he just had to go out with his ninth season. ~ Jennifer Keishin Armstrong

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.' ~ Jerry Seinfeld

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld advised aspiring comedian Brad Isaac that, because daily writing was the key to writing better jokes, Isaac should buy a calendar with a box for every day of the year, and every day, after writing, cross off the day with a big red X. "After a few days you'll have a chain," Seinfeld explained. "You'll like seeing that chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job next is to not break the chain. ~ Gretchen Rubin

Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I grew up watching Letterman, 'Seinfeld,' 'SNL,' and Monty Python movies. But nothing made me want to get into comedy more than when 'Mr. Show' started airing. ~ Joe Mande

The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I like definitive things. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I love energy. I love it. And I pursue it, and I want more of it. Physical and mental energy, to me, are the greatest riches of human life. And TM is like a free account of an endless amount of it. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Maybe if we lie down our brains will work. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

I love being a dad. I just love it. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Korie: Jase lives right across the street from us, and he and his wife, Missy, have three kids: Reed, Cole, and Mia. Jase and Missy like to joke that our oldest son, John Luke, is like Kramer from Seinfeld. On nights when we're not cooking at our house, John Luke busts through their front door as soon as he sees the dining room light go on to join them for dinner. He seems to know exactly when Missy pulls the rolls out of the oven. Our baby girl, Bella, and their daughter, Mia, are great friends. We say Mia is like the ghost of our house. She appears in our house at all times. You'll turn around in your recliner, and she'll be standing there. As soon as we pull in the driveway, she's in our house, waiting to play with Bella. Our entire neighborhood is actually family. My parents are next door, along with four aunts and uncles and two grandparents. That's the absolute best thing about where we live. It's all about family. ~ Willie Robertson

I don't really get a chance to watch much television. I mostly watch BBC Worldwide and repeats of Seinfeld and Everybody Loves Raymond. ~ Will Estes

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Frasier and Friends and Seinfeld, they all pissed each other off, said the wrong thing, drove each other nuts, but in the end, it turns out they'd do anything for their friends. TV Land has really found that formula. ~ David Alan Basche

Work is the least important thing and family is the most important. ~ Jerry Seinfeld