Sales Humor Quotes

When People in sales are at work, they are at war. ~ Honeya

Never put off until tomorrow that which may be avoided entirely. ~ Bill McKean

The witch's words were cut off and Izzy stumbled back into the earth.
Izzy looked up at the dragoness standing over her. her grandmother smiled. "What did I miss? I sensed I was missing something!"
Rhiannon looked down at her claws, "Did I step in something? I feel like I stepped in something. ~ G.A. Aiken

Who was the moron on the phone?"
"Carl Avery," Kate said. "A long-standing client and potential felon. ~ Jennifer Crusie

I shrug and shuffle my toe across the carpet in front of me, feeling silly. "So? It's a compliment being like you."
All the humor evaporates from his face and his honey-brown eyes. Within seconds he has me in his arms and he hugs me like I'm the most important thing in the world to him. "Don't ever change, Callie Lawrence," he whispers in my hair. "Promise me you won't. ~ Jessica Sorensen

Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it. ~ K. Martin Beckner

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, lived a young princess who awaited a prince who would give her everything she ever dreamed of... love, passion, loyalty. He'd be the sweetest, kindest, most heartwarming gentleman a girl could ever ask for. And he'd be perfect.

... Excuse me while I vomit. ~ Kennedy Fox

When consumers tried to improve their health by shifting to skim milk, Congress set up a scheme for the powerful dairy industry through which it has quietly turned all that unwanted, surplus fat into huge sales of cheese - not cheese to be eaten before or after dinner as a delicacy, but cheese that is slipped into our food as an alluring but unnecessary extra ingredient. The toll, thirty years later: The average American now consumes as much as thirty-three pounds of cheese a year. ~ Michael Moss

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and all. But my father and I have the sort of loving relationship in which, whenever he says more than one sentence in a a row to me, I want to stab myself in the heart with a a recently formed silver knife. ~ Leila Sales

It was a family joke that Lydia's domestic tendencies were somehow misplaced when she was created. ~ Lawana Blackwell

If you make some comment even obliquely alluding to menstruation or menopause and its effect on my judgment," Murphy interrupted, "I will break your arm in eleven places. ~ Jim Butcher

Writing poetry and reading books causes brain damage. ~ Pat Conroy

Eva," she said exasperated. "You should've established a personal style by now-and it shouldn't be sweats!"
Monica, Eva Tramell's mother, in "Reflected in You ~ Sylvia Day

Say what you would about the dietary requirements, vampirism sure did do great things for the skin and body. ~ Nalini Singh

You can't really have patience. You can be patient – if that's what's up for you. ~ Art Hochberg

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and it holds the world together. ~ Oprah Winfrey

Payback's a bitch, but thankfully those tissues are only full of snot and tears instead of dead little sperms. ~ Toni Aleo

You know, I just had a thought," he drawled.

"Is that a new occurence for you? Is your brain tingling?"

Cash and Jen ~ Elle Kennedy

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her. ~ Kristen Schaal

She ran into the bathroom and powdered her face and the front of her dress, drew a surrealistic version of a mouth beneath her nose, and dashed into her bedroom to find a coat. ~ John Kennedy Toole

I am Trella the victorious leader of the Force of Sheep rebellion. Yes the name sounds ridiculous, and I still can't believe we named a major life changing event after livestock - or actually a stuffed animal - but it made sense at the time. ~ Maria V. Snyder

•"As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself, 'The last thing you must do is forget your speech.' And, sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech. ~ Rowan Atkinson

When your ship comes in, don't be in the bathroom with your pants around your ankles."

quoted by Frank McNichols, father of Rose McNichols in A Nose for Hanky Panky, a Granite Cove Mystery ~ Sharon Love Cook

If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up ~ Josh Stern

You're wrong."
"I am?"
"I thought things through this time around. I even managed to restrain myself."
Theo stared at her, incredulous. "You did."
"I thought about kicking him in the balls, but I didn't. I figured that would be over kill." - Rendezvous with Destiny ~ Jess Schira

Most intellectuals and most artists belong to the same type. Only the strongest of them force their way through the atmosphere of the bourgeois earth and attain to the cosmic. The others all resign themselves or make compromises. Despising the bourgeoisie, and yet belonging to it, they add to its strength and glory; for in the last resort they have to share their beliefs in order to live. The lives of these infinitely numerous persons make no claim to the tragic; but they live under an evil star in a quite considerable affliction; and in this hell their talents ripen and bear fruit. The few who break free seek their reward in the unconditioned and go down in splendor. They wear the thorn crown and their number is small. The others, however, who remain in the fold and from whose talents the bourgeoisie reaps much gain, have a third kingdom left open to them, an imaginary and yet a sovereign world, humor. The lone wolves who know no peace, these victims of unceasing pain to whom the urge for tragedy has been denied and who can never break through the starry space,who feel themselves summoned thither and yet cannot survive in its atmosphere - for them is reserved, provided suffering has made their spirits tough and elastic enough, a way of reconcilement and an escape into humor. Humor has always something bourgeois in it, although the true bourgeois is incapable of understanding it. In its imaginary realm the intricate and manyfaceted ideal of all Steppenwolves finds its realisa ~ Hermann Hesse

Before there was an American Story, before Paterson spread before Oscar and Lola like a dream, or the trumpets from the Island of our eviction had even sounded, there was their mother, Hypatia Belicia Cabral: a girl so tall your leg bones ached just looking at her, so dark it was as if the Creatrix had, in her making, blinked. ~ Junot Diaz

I had always wondered why people wanted to be rich and famous. If you could be rich and anonymous, that would be fun. To be famous and not rich, the way we were, was the least fun. It takes time and effort to be famous, and if they offer you fame without the money, don't take it. It's a scam. ~ Alan Alda

She's talking about when Dimitri was very young, how he used to always beg her and her friends to let him play with them. He was about six and they were eight and didn't want him around." Viktoria paused again to take in the next part of the story. "Finally, Karolina told him he could if he agreed to be married off to their dolls. So Karolina and her friends dressed him and the dolls up over and over and kept having weddings. Dimitri was married at least ten times."
I couldn't help but laugh as I tried to picture tough, sexy Dimitri letting his big sister dress him up. He probably would have treated his wedding ceremony with a doll as seriously and stoically as he did his guardian duties. ~ Richelle Mead

I'm trying like hell to leave a footprint, carbon or otherwise. ~ M.A. Bookout

Mystical experience needs some form of dogma in order not to dissipate into moments of spiritual intensity that are merely personal, and dogma needs regular infusions of unknowingness to keep from calcifying into the predictable, pontificating, and anti-intellectual services so common in mainstream American churches. So what does all this mean practically? It means that congregations must be conscious of the persistent and ineradicable loneliness that makes a person seek communion, with other people and with God, in the first place. It means that conservative churches that are infused with the bouncy brand of American optimism one finds in sales pitches are selling shit. It means that liberal churches that go months without mentioning the name of Jesus, much less the dying Christ, have no more spiritual purpose or significance than a local union hall. It means that we -- those of us who call ourselves Christians -- need a revolution in the way we worship. This could mean many different things -- poetry as liturgy, focused and extended silences, learning from other religious traditions and rituals (this seems crucial), incorporating apophatic language. But one thing it means for sure: we must be conscious of language as language, must call into question every word we use until we refine or remake a language that is fit for our particular religious doubts and despairs -- and of course (and most of all!) our joys. ~ Christian Wiman

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read- ~ Mark Twain

A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers? ~ Cassandra Clare