Running Funny Quotes

If you can't win, make the one ahead of you break the record. ~ John McKeithen

If we (Lauren and Jim) ever get married, we're just going to put helmets on, run into each other from a hundred yards, and smash together like rams ~ Jim Carrey

A lot of things run through your head when you're going in to relieve in a tight spot. One of them was, "Should I spike myself?" ~ Lefty Gomez

My one goal when I started was not to actually vomit on TV or run away. ~ Kate McKinnon

When I come home, my daughter will run to the door and give me a big hug, and everything that's happened that day just melts away. ~ Hugh Jackman

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny. ~ Gilbert Gottfried

After a couple hours of this, seven-year-old Christo was beside himself. He had never been babysat before. How long was this fuckery going to go on? His sister was hysterical. He paced around our living room, now in his shirtsleeves and black pants. Pulling his golden curls nervously, he looked like the night manager of a miniature diner who had just had a party of six dine and dash. He ranted to his baby sister in Greek, This sent my mother running into the dining room laughing hysterically. I chased her. What? What did he say? Roughly translated it was Oh! My Maria! What is to become of us? ~ Tina Fey

I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny because people tell me I am, but when I watch myself, it doesn't make me laugh. Does that make sense? Because I know the jokes, and to me, I feel like I'm pulling the wool over people's eyes. And there are probably people who do not enjoy what I do. ~ Greg Behrendt

Hey, you're kind of adorable.
Hey. So are you.
There's a soft knock on my door.
One sex! Someone's here.
OMG, YOU PERVY IPHONE. Sec. Not sex.
TOO LATE! he writes. Three dots. Does this count as sexting?
I think so? ~ Becky Albertalli

The small amount of people that control the discourse around painting - I thought that the whole museum world was just a bunch of phonies, and I didn't really want to have anything to do with it. I guess I did installations, in a funny way, because they couldn't be commodified. ~ Fred Tomaselli

I'm asking you to tell Lady Cassandra about my good qualities as well as the bad ones."
"What good qualities?" West inquired sharply.
Tom had to think for a moment. "How rich I am? ~ Lisa Kleypas

I particularly like Twitter, because it's short and can be very funny and informative. It's a little bit like having your own radio program. ~ Margaret Atwood

At 88 years old - with every intention of living decades longer - I'm still running a company, writing articles, launching new ventures, and fully enjoying life. ~ David H. Murdock

I think we have arrived at the stage where we are making it too complicated. I know guys who can't play two rounds before running to their teachers. ~ Vijay Singh

When you find something funny search it for hidden truth. ~ George Bernard Shaw

The secret isn't in your legs, but in your strength of mind. You need to go for a run when it is raining, windy, and snowing, when lightning sets trees on fire as you pass them, when snowflakes or hailstones strike your legs and body in the storm and make you weep, and in order to keep running, you have to wipe away the tears to see the stones, walls, or sky. ~ Kilian Jornet

To me, the persistence of my grandfather's rituals meant that he was unchanged, running on discipline and continuance and stoicism. I didn't notice, and didn't realize, that the rituals themselves were changing, that there was a difference between the rituals of comfort and the preventive rituals that come at the end of life. ~ Tea Obreht

No dog is as well bred or as well mannered or as distinguished and handsome. ~ Eugene O'Neill

He'd been down at the Cass County Library, reading...Win danced a jig he thought that was so funny...about this cat Henry David Thoreau, which he pronounced Toe-Row. He read about his life and read some of his writings and this cat really had his shit together...Toe-Row knew better than anybody that Life is a Big Fat Asshole with everybody trying to Stick It To You when they get half the chance. ~ Joe Eszterhas

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. ~ Steven Wright

Being funny is a way of being liked and a way of dealing with sadness. ~ Wendy Wasserstein

I got a funny feeling like something was real wrong ...
Looked at her shoes and her feets was real long!
Then it hit me, Oh please God no,
Don't let this ho turn out to be a John Doe ...
He pulled a fast one on me, yo! ~ Fatlip

Tell me again what we're doing here," I said, running a continuous scan of our surroundings.
Fang popped some Cracker Jack into his mouth. "We're here to watch manly men do manly things."
I followed Fang's line of sight: He was watching the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, who were not doing manly things, by any stretch of the imagination. ~ James Patterson

With the Special Ops Warrior Foundation's help, we put 266 kids through college last year. And that's what keeps me going. I'll be honest, I don't like running. I don't like biking. I don't like swimming. I do it to raise money. But, now that I'm in this sport, I want to see how far I can push myself. What makes me tick is that pain you feel when you do these ultramarathons. I love knowing that everyone's suffering because I know I can suffer just a little bit more. I can take a lot of pain. ~ David Goggins

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people" ~ Andy Borowitz

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' ~ Lillian Gordy Carter

Perspective is a funny thing. You think your back is to the wall, then something worse corners you, and the first threat looks puny in comparison. ~ Karen Marie Moning

I was eight feet tall and made of metal again, and oh how I'd missed it so. ~ Andrew Seiple

It is growing up different. It is extreme hypersensitivity. It is a bottomless pit of feeling you're failing, but three days later, you feel you can do anything, only to end the week where you began. It is not learning from your mistakes. It is distrusting people because you have been hurt enough. It is moments of knowing your pain is self inflicted, followed by blaming the world. It is wanting to listen, but you just can't anymore because your life has been to full of people that have judged you. It is fighting to be right; so for once in your life someone will respect and hear you for a change. It is a tiring life of endless games with people, in order to seek stimulus. It is a hyper focus, so intense about what bothers you, that you can't pay attention to anything else, for very long. It is a never-ending routine of forgetting things. It is a boredom and lack of contentment that keeps you running into the arms of anyone that has enough patience to stick around. It wears you out. It wears everyone out. It makes you question God's plan. You misinterpret everything, and you allow your creative mind to fill the gaps with the same old chains that bind you. It narrows your vision of who you let into your life. It is speaking and acting without thinking. It is disconnecting from the ones you love because your mind has taken you back to what you can't let go of. It is risk taking, thrill seeking and moodiness that never ends. You hang your hope on "signs" and abandon reason for re ~ Shannon L. Alder

I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships. ~ Maureen Johnson

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you. ~ Satchel Paige

When you're running a company, creating jobs is the last thing you want to. When you're running a company you want to employ as few people as possible, and yet you inadvertently create jobs. ~ Robert Metcalfe

Without setbacks there'd be no comebacks, and everyone loves a come. ~ Kyle Johnson

Maxon: "To be clear, no one agrees with you."
America: "To be clear, I don't care. ~ Kiera Cass

Men who are addicted to the passions are like the torch-carrier running against the wind; his hands are sure to be burned. ~ Gautama Buddha

Death is the engine that keeps us running, giving us the motivation to achieve, learn, love, and create. Philosophers have proclaimed this for thousands of years just as vehemently as we insist upon ignoring it generation after generation. ~ Caitlin Doughty

Now, as the party reached the royal hall the brothers shared, Tolners produced a note and held it up for Kell to read. "This isn't funny."
Apparently Rhy had had the grace to pin the note to his door, in case anyone in the palace should worry. "Not kidnapped. Out for a drink with Kell. Sit tight. ~ Victoria Schwab

The only job worse is a javelin catcher at a track - and - field meet. ~ Gump Worsley

Love is the tyrant of the heart; it darkens
Reason, confounds discretion; deaf to Counsel
It runs a headlong course to desperate madness. ~ John Ford

There's always been a love-hate thing between me and running. First off, if you don't get started at the ass crack of dawn, the Oklahoma summer sun will melt you into a puddle of good intentions. Plus, it hurts. I mean, have you ever seen a happy jogger? We scowl. We pant and grimace. In fact, if you ever see one of us smiling, you should assume we're a complete psychopath and run for your life. ~ Jennifer Latham