Rarely Used Funny Quotes

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At the Republican convention, there were lots of words used to describe Hillary Clinton, but warm, funny and caring weren't among them. ~ Tamara Keith
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Tamara Keith
Here it is it was right here all the time was it come on I got up and followed we went up the hill the crickets hushing before us its funny how you can sit down and drop something and have to hunt all around for it the gray it was gray with dew slanting up into the gray sky then the trees beyond damn that honeysuckle I wish it would stop you used to like it we ~ William Faulkner
Rarely Used Funny quotes by William Faulkner
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it. ~ Phyllis Diller
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Phyllis Diller
The jokes I used to do on 'Sex and the City' were always comic character things, and they were rarely hard jokes. As soon as you go up in front of people, it demands laughter. ~ Michael Patrick King
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Michael Patrick King
I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I'm home?' And my mother said, 'You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.' And I said, 'Yes, but you see, I've reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?' ~ Natasha Leggero
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Natasha Leggero
I mean, my age is just a number. So what if you were born in the era when they still used rotary phones and cassette tapes? I think it's cute. ~ T.S. Krupa
Rarely Used Funny quotes by T.S. Krupa
Which didn't explain why Brant remained outside with Elizabeth, even when he started to suffer from heatstroke. Or maybe heatstroke was only the excuse he used for what happened next. With one eye pinned on Elizabeth, he stripped off his shirt, something he rarely did, and proceeded to perform feats of strength. He moved large rocks for no good reason, grunting as if he were leg-pressing a good five hundred pounds. He welded hedge clippers like Edward Scissorhands. And hoed like a lumberjack bent on clearing the Sierras.

It was heatstroke. It had to be. There was no other way to explain a thirty-eight-year-old man flexing and posing for a woman like some goddamned body builder in a competition.

And the worst part about it was she didn't even pay him the slightest bit of attention. ~ Katie Lane
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Katie Lane
Since the 1980s, I've been known more for my TV work, I used to host 'Live at Jongleurs' and of course 'Grumpy Old Men,' and so it's really all come from there. It's been a funny career really, there are people that know me now as a TV person, a comedian, an interviewer - I've had people genuinely gobsmacked to find out I am a musician. ~ Rick Wakeman
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Rick Wakeman
I have the reports from Gemson and Boyd," Syn replied. His boots were up on the corner of his desk as he reclined back in his chair, skimming the contents of the file.

"How are they?" God asked. He removed his leather coat and draped it over the back of his chair.

"Detailed. Good," Syn answered. He brought his feet down and gave God a pointed look.

The big man shook his head, already knowing what Syn wanted. He wanted everything they knew about this case. Now.

"Alright Syn. Chill out. We're not used to you yet. But we know what it means to have a Sergeant on our team. You're the team's go to, and have just as much command and input regarding decision making as we do," Day responded as God stared. Day chuckled. "Tito was just as important as the other Jacksons."

Syn threw a pen at Day, which he dodged easily. Syn couldn't help but laugh at Day's fucked up comparison. "I'm no fucking Tito, shithead. ~ A.E. Via
Rarely Used Funny quotes by A.E. Via
I stopped noticing the nit-picky things years ago, My late husband was brilliant, but never figured out dirty cups went in the sink. Used to drive me crazy, but one day I compared it to his good qualities. Supportive husband, hands-on dad. Smart, funny, awesome popcorn-maker. All that versus doesn't put cups in the sink. The latter just wasn't worth mentioning. ~ Donna Gentry Morton
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Donna Gentry Morton
It's so funny to think that I used to be a model and here I am doing arbitrage, shipping and negotiating margins, the list is endless. ~ Caprice Bourret
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Caprice Bourret
I can remember one occasion, taking a shower with my wife while high, in which I had an idea on the origins and invalidities of racism in terms of Gaussian distribution curves. It was a point obvious in a way, but rarely talked about. I drew curves in soap on the shower wall, and went to write the idea down. One idea led to another, and at the end of about an hour of extremely hard work I had found I had written eleven short essays on a wide range of social, political, philosophical, and human biological topics. . . . I have used them in university commencement addresses, public lectures, and in my books. ~ Carl Sagan
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Carl Sagan
It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. ~ Demetri Martin
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Demetri Martin
I had a dream about you. You were you, but you were many - a multitude of mannequins, each named Manny. And I was me, but I was Dark Jar Tin Zoo, and as such I made love to you - all of you. Then I woke up alone, naked, cuddling a mannequin I named after you who smells like you, because I spray it with the same fragrance you used to wear. Is that crazy? No, I didn't think so either. ~ Dora J. Arod
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Dora J. Arod
Jared told her he used to be an exotic dancer in San Francisco.'
'My body is a gift from God,' Jared said gravely. 'Except for my hips, which are clearly a gift from the devil. ~ Sarah Rees Brennan
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Sarah Rees Brennan
When I was a kid I didn't feel like I fit in because - this is really silly and I probably shouldn't say it, but, I didn't think anything was funny. So I used to go home and literally cry to my mom and my step-dad at the time and I didn't think anything was funny. I couldn't laugh. ~ Courteney Cox
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Courteney Cox
Ever since Alexander went to India, Greek kings used elephants in war, mainly for prestige. They were rarely any use. Unlike horses, they were far too intelligent to risk injury merely at a man's urging. It was easy to panic elephants to hastily retreat, trampling their own army. ~ Isaac Asimov
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Isaac Asimov
Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be. ~ Bill Vaughan
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Bill Vaughan
I really embrace things that I think people who like music can relate to, they grew up with the same stuff and know the same references so when they hear it being used as a metaphor to something else they'll be like that's unique, or funny or something that's relatable to me. ~ Hoodie Allen
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Hoodie Allen
He'd have to turn on his high-voltage charm with these people. Should work. They were only used to 12V battery power after all-he'd dazzle them. ~ Josephine Myles
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Josephine Myles
The summer of 1950 was the hottest in living memory, with high humidity and temperatures above 100 F. My mother had been washing every day, and she was attacked for this, too. Peasants, especially in the North where Mrs. Mi came from, washed very rarely, because of the shortage of water. In the guerrillas, men and women used to compete to see who had the most 'revolutionary insects' (lice).

Cleanliness was regarded as un proletarian When the steamy summer turned into cool autumn my father's bodyguard weighed in with a new accusation: my mother was 'behaving like a Kuomintang official's grand lady' because she had used my father's leftover hot water. At the time, in order to save fuel, there was a rule that only officials above a certain rank were entitled to wash with hot water.

My father fell into this group, but my mother did not. She had been strongly advised by the women in my father's family not to touch cold water when she came near to delivery time. After the bodyguard's criticism, my father would not let my mother use his water. My mother felt like screaming at him for not taking her side against the endless intrusions into the most irrelevant recesses of her life. ~ Jung Chang
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Jung Chang
Bob Dole used to be really funny. Barney Frank can be kind of funny. Bob Kerrey has a good sense of humor. ~ Al Franken
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Al Franken
I got used to dealing with groups of boys and getting on with life in unpleasant circumstances and being smart and funny and subversive at the expense of authority. ~ Eric Idle
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Eric Idle
The really expert riders of horses let the horse know immediately who is in control, but then they guide the horse with loose reins and very seldom use the spurs. So it was with our chief [William Rehnquist]. He guided us with loose reins and used the spurs only rarely to get us up to speed with our work. ~ Sandra Day O'Connor
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Sandra Day O'Connor
Honestly, half the reason I like you is because you're so ... I don't know. You like life." He looked away from my eyes, amused as his thoughts spun, considering. "You're fearless. Bold. Not afraid to enjoy yourself. You just go out there and do what you want. I like the whirlwind you exist in. I envy it. It's funny, really." He smiled. "I used to think I wanted someone exactly like me, but now I think I'd be bored to death with another version of myself. I'm surprised I don't bore you sometimes."
I gaped. "Are you kidding? You're the most interesting person I know. Aside from Hugh maybe. But then, he installs breast implants and buys souls. That's a hard combination to beat. But he's not nearly as cute. ~ Richelle Mead
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Richelle Mead
Back in medieval times, " I said, "we used oil of vitriol for its healing properties. No doubt that's why Commodus had some in his infirmary. Today we call it sulfuric acid."
Meg flinched. "Isn't that dangerous?"
"Very."
"And you *healed* with it?"
"It was the Middle Ages. We were crazy back then. ~ Rick Riordan
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Rick Riordan
Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels. ~ Dennis Miller
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Dennis Miller
Where I grew up, the basketball courts were rarely used. ~ Denis Leary
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Denis Leary
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing. ~ Jimmy Carr
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Jimmy Carr
Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a thousand books along shelves in the driest part of the cave. There used to be several boxes of pornography until Mortimer realized that he'd spent nearly ten days in a row sitting in the cave masturbating. He burned the dirty magazines to keep from doing some terrible whacking injury to himself. ~ Victor Gischler
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Victor Gischler
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals. ~ Bob Monkhouse
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Bob Monkhouse
Come on. Let's go and sit down. I need to have a beer and a nervous
breakdown."
"Talk first, then breakdown. I want answers, not drool."
"You used to love my drool."
"Ha. You funny. ~ Marjorie M. Liu
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Marjorie M. Liu
Eloquence in public assemblies is not the surest road to fame and preferment, at least unless it be used with great caution, very rarely, and with great reserve. ~ John Adams
Rarely Used Funny quotes by John Adams
It's funny how you take things like electricity for granted. You hit the button that turns everything on and it just comes on. You get used to that and it just works every single time. So what happens when it suddenly doesn't? things very well could get messy. ~ Robin Burks
Rarely Used Funny quotes by Robin Burks
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