Popularity Tim Dorsey Quotes

Look forward to the wonderment of growing up, raising a family and driving by the gas station where the popular kids now work. ~ Tim Dorsey

The Roman Empire invented snacks, right after the aqueducts. Irrigation flowed, food plentiful, people munching between meals in the city-states. They ate these little, sun-dried meaty things, highly distasteful and falling out of favor until olive oil. I just made all that up. The key to life is making shit up. Everyone does it or society would unravel, like, Gee, your hair looks great! Or: God told me you're wrong ~ Tim Dorsey

Hang on to your dreams with everything you got. Because the best life is when your dreams come true. The second-best is when they don't but you never stop chasing them. ~ Tim Dorsey

Your mom's not that bad," said Jim. "Are you trying to make me mad?" "Okay she is." "I knew it. You've never liked her." "What's the right answer?" "So you're just telling me what I want to hear?" Jim reached over and put a hand on his wifes. "I love you. ~ Tim Dorsey

Serge's attention-deficit disorder was the first of many hyphens. Obsessive-compulsive, manic-depressive, anal-retentive, paranoid-schizophrenic. He was believed to be the only self-inflicted case of shaken-baby syndrome. ~ Tim Dorsey

WITH THREE WEEKS to go in the Florida governor's race, the Tallahassee morning newspaper ran the following headline: 2 HEADS EXPLODE IN SEPARATE INCIDENTS ~ Tim Dorsey

We don't simply say something that's untrue. We make statements so insane that there's no possible intelligent response. Like arguing with some old fart in a rocking chair who claims we never landed on the moon. Any educated person can only laugh. Meanwhile, we've just won over all the non-moon-landing votes. ~ Tim Dorsey

Like no other place on earth. Raw natural beauty, relentless freedom, unorthodox natives. A friend told me something else about the Keys I never forgot: Down here, nobody is who they seem to be. When people in other parts of the country want to reinvent themselves, they come to Florida. But when people in Florida want to reinvent themselves, they come to the Keys. ~ Tim Dorsey

They headed north, their taxi joining a sea of yellow cabs weaving up the Avenue of the Americas. The Russians saw there were lanes painted in the road, but that was clearly part of an ancient custom from some long-forgotten people. ~ Tim Dorsey

But you have to understand, mental illness is like cholesterol. There is is good kind and the bad. Without the good kind- less flavor to life. Van Gogh, Beethoven, Edgar Allen Poe, Sylvia Plath, Pink Floyd (the early Piper at the Gates of Dawn line up), scientific breakthroughs, spiritual revolution, utopian visions, zany nationalism that kills millions- wait, that's the bad kind. Tim Dorsey (Hurricane Punch) ~ Tim Dorsey

Florida is a theme park," said Serge. "And the theme is weirdness. ~ Tim Dorsey

The television was on Florida Cable News. A gray-haired man behind the anchor desk reported near tragedy at a state motor vehicle office, where a man who had failed the eye exam pulled a gun and fired fifteen shots at the staff, hitting nobody. ~ Tim Dorsey

Our political process appears to be a toxic dance of mutually assured destruction that takes all the citizens down with you, and that can't be right. So I've prepared a little experiment. ~ Tim Dorsey

Anger is sweeping the country! Tea bags from sea to shining sea! Voters everywhere exploding from frustration!" "Why?" "Because the facts don't support their beliefs. ~ Tim Dorsey

What's this whole Parrot Head phenomenon about, anyway?" asked Crease. "It's kind of like AA in reverse. ~ Tim Dorsey

This is trash state U.S.A. ~ Tim Dorsey

Technology has just passed our survival instinct, and the country is spinning on a stationary existential axis of make-believe importance: We text about a Tweet of a YouTube video posted on Facebook with a clip of Glee about not texting that we just texted about. Instead of actual life, we're now living an air-guitar version of life. ~ Tim Dorsey

my life's motto: If you're not willing to invent cool-sounding bullshit about yourself, don't expect others to. ~ Tim Dorsey

Chasing is in police DNA memory, like Labradors running after sticks," said Serge. "They probably don't even know why they do it. They just put the lights on and go, and a while later the partner who isn't behind the wheel says, 'Why are we stopping?' 'Something inside just told me to because there's a really cool crash up ahead. It's weird; I can't explain it. ~ Tim Dorsey

Worry is usually interest paid on a debt that never comes due. ~ Tim Dorsey

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues. ~ Tim Vine

What do they mean 'serial killers'! said Serge. (person 1), okay. But (person 2) was self-defence and the (person 3)-I mean, that was the World Series! You can call me a murderer, fair is fair, but as soon as you put 'serial' in front of it, everyone automatically thinks your crazy. ~ Tim Dorsey

Another tip to weld society together. Give the person up to bat at the ATM plenty of space so they're not nervous about you peeking at their PIN number or slipping a blade between their ribs the second the money spits out. ~ Tim Dorsey

True story: Some homeowner's burning a yard pile just like this one. And he goes inside for lemonade and opens the cabinet under the sink to toss something in the trash, and this rat's down in the bottom, gnawing a chicken bone. The rat had been driving the guy crazy for months, living in the walls and scampering through the attic at night like it had combat boots. So the guy grabs a rolling pin and beats it to death. Then he takes it outside and throws it on the burning pile." "Good story," said Coleman. "What's the problem?" "The rat's not dead. The heat wakes him up. It jumps off the pile and makes a beeline for the house. Except now its fur's on fire. The homeowner tries to intercept, but it zips between his legs, runs back inside and gets in the walls. Ignited the insulation. Whole place burned down. ~ Tim Dorsey

I love conversations!" "Why?" "Because we're all crazy!" said Serge. "And that's how society makes progress: imaginations getting together and glancing off each other in accidental tangents of invention. ~ Tim Dorsey

Son of a bitch!" "What is it?" asked Coleman. "Our flight's delayed!" "But only fifteen minutes," said Coleman. "I've seen this movie before. 'Fifteen minutes' is code for 'at least three to five hours.' They know the plane's stuck in Pittsburgh, where they wrestled another drunk pilot to the runway, but they don't want an open passenger revolt, so they incrementally string us along fifteen minutes at a time, until you're across the international date line." Serge paced in front of the departure screen. Fifteen minutes later, Serge grabbed Coleman and pointed. "Sweet Jesus! They just added another fifteen minutes! ~ Tim Dorsey

He's coming off the bridge," said Serge. "The rocks will start soon." "Rocks?" "It's local tradition, and another reason I love the Keys." Serge stood and put on his sneakers. "It's our version of when those people went out to the overpasses and waved at O. J. Simpson during the slow-motion chase. Except in the Keys, when there's a high-speed pursuit on TV heading south, the locals line the road and wait for the car to come off the bridge to Key Largo. Last time was around Christmas." "You're right." Coleman pointed at the TV again. "They're lining the side of the road. They're throwing rocks." "And we're at Mile Marker 105, so that gives us about three minutes." Serge tightened the Velcro straps on his shoes. "Let's go throw rocks. ~ Tim Dorsey

I smell panic," said Serge. "These are different animals now. They're starting to winnow out the weak at the fringe of the herd. We need to hurry or this could affect our snack situation. ~ Tim Dorsey

We're all damaged. It's a universal component of the human condition, like the stages of grief, deja vu, and expired coupons. ~ Tim Dorsey

Yes, give us books about the psychotic behavior and peripheral weirdness we see all around every day
and we will laugh in its face.
We are a proud people.
We are Floridians. ~ Tim Dorsey

At work, he pretended every woman customer was a floozy with a hard-luck story who only needed a good slapping. ~ Tim Dorsey

Nature's what it's all about, but our people have been brainwashed into thinking that life is a cell phone against your head and the TV on a beer commercial with hot chicks. ~ Tim Dorsey

An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and a mouth full of paper.
One of the firefighters look at the other. Not again. ~ Tim Dorsey

I realize the congressman isn't in. I want you to deliver this message to him personally: Tell him to shut his goddamn mouth! ... I know we're working behind the scenes to protect the oil company from its victims. That's exactly why he needs to go mute. Those were the strict ground rules from the beginning of his term: no press conferences, no interviews except Fox, and sit like a silent lump in the committee ... Because he's fucking stupid! And I'm not going to let him throw this away! Do you have any idea how hard it was to get a moron like that elected? ~ Tim Dorsey

Back at the Rash [a Florida nightclub], a waif in a lime latex body tube went into the rest room to snort the newest designer drug, XGB5, which gave people the uncanny sensation of throwing money away while chewing their own lips off. It was hard to come by and everyone had to have it. ~ Tim Dorsey

Courage is the ability to suspend the imagination. ~ Tim Dorsey

Don't make fun of people who are different. Unless they have more money and influence. Then you must ~ Tim Dorsey

You open a door and find a midget, and there's no way you can be in a bad mood. It's just not possible. ~ Tim Dorsey

Couldn't be scathed. He was the crack in the system ~ Tim Dorsey

Tampa's Latin quarter, Ybor City. Ybor had been the Cuban-Italian core when Tampa was Cigar City USA. ~ Tim Dorsey

Yes Serge has killed a lot of people , but let's not overlook all of his other accomplishments. ~ Tim Dorsey

Those are the Big Three: clipboards, orange cones, elf suits. People don't question ~ Tim Dorsey

I'm a one-hundred-percent, made-in-Florida, dope-smugglin', time-sharin', spring-breakin', log-flumin', double-occupancy discount vacation. I'm a tall glass of orange juice and a day without sunshine. I'm the wind in your sails, the sun on your burn and the moon over Miami. I am the native. ~ Tim Dorsey

Don't you understand? The answer is inside each of you! Don't follow anyone else! Be your own leader! Lead yourselves! ~ Tim Dorsey

Do you think heaven's like that?
Could be worse, said Serge. You know all those pushy people who keep telling us we're not going to heaven? It could be full of them instead. ~ Tim Dorsey

Mount Batten jumped up from his chair and ran yelling across the living room. He broke through the yellow crime scene tape across the front door like a finish line and kept on running. Sharon ~ Tim Dorsey