Nerd Joke Quotes

Oregon was discovered when someone followed the Oregon Trail right out to the end. ~ Richard Armour

Lily, the girl who'd talked back to the jock, said, "I want to get as far away
from my parents as possible. We're like potassium and water."
The other kids laughed and I said, "Huh?"
"If potassium comes into contact with water, it instantly combusts," Lily
said slowly so if she was talking to a child. ~ Marta Acosta

Sometimes you feel as though you've slandered yourself, but the joke's on them. ~ Criss Jami

People who don't like cats haven't been around them. There's the old joke: dogs have masters, cats have staff. ~ Betty White

This was his glory and his guilt-- that he let them teach him to feel guilty of his glory, to accept the part of a sacrificial animal and, in punishment for the sin of intelligence, to perish on the altars of the brutes. The tragic joke of human history is that on any of the altars men erected, it was always man whom they immolated and the animal whom they enshrined. It was always the animal's attributes, not man's, that humanity worshipped: the idol of instinct and the idol of force--the mystics and the kings-- the mystics, who longed for an irresponsible consciousness and ruled by means of the claim that their dark emotions were superior to reason, that knowledge cam in blind, causeless fits, blindly to be followed, not doubted-- the kings, who ruled by means of claws and muscles, with conquest as their method and looting as their aim, with a club or a gun as sole sanction of their power. The defenders of man's soul were concerned with his feelings, and the defenders of man's body were concerned with his stomach-- but both were united against his mind. Yet no one, not the lowest of humans, is ever able fully to renounce his brain. No one has ever believed in the irrational; what they do believe in is the unjust. Whenever a man denounces the mind, it is because his goal is of a nature the mind would not permit him to confess. When he preaches contradictions, he does so in the knowledge that someone will accept the burden of the impossible, someone will make it work for him a ~ Ayn Rand

(fairy tale).
i wanna tell you a joke
but it will be like the frog finds the princess
says she's not enough
then jumps out of window
i wanna show you
a bit of snow on fingertips
so it will speak why the beauty is not for the ugly
and dwarves cannot run after white horse
i wanna tell you
how much a kiss costs
that sways both lives away
so that you may
remain us.
but you see, fairy tales start with curses
and so do we. ~ Zelda Gin

What a joke it is to read or hear - as I have read or heard more times than I can count - that writers 'see more clearly' or 'feel more deeply' than non-writers. The truth of the matter is that writers hardly 'see' or 'feel' at all. The disparity between a writer's works and the world per se is so great as to beggar comment. Writers who arrange their lives so as to 'have experiences' in order to reduce them to contemptible linguistic recordings of these experiences are beneath contempt. ~ Gilbert Sorrentino

The whole movie thing has never been a source of great pride for me, in that Burt Reynolds, who starred in the picture, butchered the original script I had written for the late Steve McQueen, and the result, while a massive moneymaker, was lashed by the critics. But like the old joke about Pierre the Bridge Builder, The Cannonball Run is indelibly inscribed on my so-called career portfolio, and few conversations with strangers pass without the subject of the picture arising. ~ Brock Yates

My family and I have a little joke that if I'm feeling particularly blue, and nobody cares about me, I should just go to the airport! That is where I am most recognized. ~ Maggie Wheeler

I've played D&D for years. I'm a comic book guy. Comic-Con in San Diego is nerd Christmas for me. ~ Brian Posehn

We joke around a lot with our ballclub. ~ Bill Laimbeer

I have a great pic of my father and Rev. Graham laughing hysterically at some joke with George Pratt Shultz looking on back in 1972 or so. ~ Ben Stein

Try not to wet yourself with excitement, you big nerd. ~ Talia Hibbert

When I was a kid, I wanted to be as good an actor as Patrick, as cool as Frakes, and as funny as Brent. From time to time, one of them would say something to me that made me feel like I'd taken a step in that direction, and it always meant the world to me. I loved it when Brent would joke around with me, because it made me feel like I was the peer I so desperately wanted to be, instead of the clueless teenager I knew I was. ~ Wil Wheaton

It's unpleasantly like being drunk."
"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"You ask a glass of water. ~ Douglas Adams

It would be really hard to get serious about anything political today unless it was a joke. ~ Carla Bley

I say, "My trigger is everything in the universe."
Everyone laughs.
I stare back at them, one by one. I hate it when I make people laugh. It's unintentional. I don't joke. To clear this up, I stare at Dr. Billy for a long time. Yes, like a threat.
"I know we sometimes feel that way," says Dr. Billy, after absorbing my look with his fat face. "Of course. But part of the exercise is to hone it down and get more specific."
"No," I say. "I'm being specific when I say that. Everything that exists, now, makes me angry. all. I don't know any other way to say it. all." I nod the last time I say "all"; I'm getting somewhere. ~ Patrick Somerville

That's the joke about confinement pigs: they taste like whatever sauce you cook them with. ~ Joel Salatin

Welcome in what?
In adult world??
I know it, people which are not sirious have a lot of money and don't know what to do. Every secret told to someone it's not anymore secured, if somebody know the secret, it's not anymore secret there is possibility somebody else to know from where somebody else...
It's really "OMG", the "Nerds" which most people call them do some positive things, the people which people call them cool what they do??
Say jokes which are even money, but we must laugh, I didn't get the joke?
It's not there the problem, the problem is that it's too stupid to get it, what do I see?
I change made, a stage from not secured to not sirious... People which fight are this which are not secured, people which are soldiers and work in police don't have anything else to do so they decide this to do, but after all when you become such you sign and the contract with the DEAD... ~ Deyth Banger

I do a lot of public speaking and presentations and I'll always start with a self-deprecating joke to make everybody feel comfortable with my size because there can be hang-ups and anxieties. ~ Warwick Davis

But if you were Charlotte, and you had been feeling that life was some cosmic joke that had no punchline, and in the space of a moment you had gone from being Charlotte-without-a-kitten to being Charlotte-with-a-kitten, you too would have found it nothing short of remarkable. ~ Anne Ursu

When you making a piece of comedy entertainment, the audience is a big component there. You do have to end up getting rid of things that you love, but in the interest of making a movie that's not longer than two hours, and in the interest of when every joke hopefully is good enough, then everybody looks good. You cut things that you love, but ultimately it's for the greater good of making the whole movie better. ~ Jason H. Moore

There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously - no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. ~ C.S. Lewis

What I usually do is tell funny stories from the road, many of which are, of course, unprintable. But I don't actually have a joke. I don't tell jokes much. I tell little stories. ~ Howard Dean

Why are you making a joke out of this?" she asks.
"Because it's stupid, Nik. There's not even room in my day to think about someone else. ~ Simone Elkeles

Other theories about the ultimate start involve gods creating the universe out of the ribs, entrails, and testicles of their father (gods like a joke as much as anyone else). There are quite a lot of these. They are interesting, not for what they tell you about cosmology, but for what they say about people. ~ Terry Pratchett

The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow. ~ H.G.Wells

Chennai is one of the scariest crowds to face. Everyone looks so conservative, but once you crack the first joke, they are so appreciatively loud that they will hit you with a laugh that will scare you stiff and yet give you energy. Chennaiites give me the loudest laughs; it's the coolest crowd to perform for. ~ Vir Das

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? ~ Steven Wright

I guess you could say I was kind of a nerd in high school, so I was in the upper division math courses - I embrace my inner nerd. ~ Justin Lee

I'm a Gemini, so there's two people in me. Straight up. There's the nerd who is totally zoned out in the studio, EQ-ing this kick drum, raising this snare one decibel, or swapping this high hat out for another. Then there's the other side who's a performer. I have to go out on stage and be electric, a fire cracker, just run around the stage and give a show. ~ G-Eazy

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds. ~ Greg Fitzsimmons